May 142015


Reader questions on vampire gloves, dumb ideas, and foolproof indicators of submissiveness.

I’m looking for spikes as used on the gloves you mentioned. Would you help me to find out, where I can buy such spikes and how they are named?
Kindest regards from Austria.

Hello Austria. What an interesting name! (heh)

If you’re looking for the gloves with spikes, they’re called ‘vampire gloves,’ ‘vampire mitts,’ or ‘spanking gloves.’ If you’re just looking for the spikes, my hunch is that they come already attached to some sort of fabric. I’d recommend contacting Mistress Serene over at Love Bite Gloves. She sadistically lovingly makes vegan, fabric vampire gloves by hand, so she would know.

I would like to be trained to be a slave, I am married she doesn’t know, if you train me I will only obey you my mobile number is 075-JERKOFF†.

She doesn’t know you are married? Or she doesn’t know you are married to her? Does she know she’s married at all? Holy shit… if you’ve married her and she doesn’t know, you’ve achieved Silver Dragon Ninja level stealth submission. Kudos to you.


Despite your piss poor grammar, I’m going to assume the most likely situation: you’d like to go behind your wife’s back in “submitting” to a Domme. Aren’t you a fucking gem?

All the same, I can overlook the fact you’re a terrible human being if you’re serious. You’ll obey only me, hmm? Excellent! Slave training begins today.

  1. Buy a grammar book. Learn everything in it.
  2. Slam your cock in a car door.
  3. Use your new mastery of grammar to write your wife an apology for being such an awful person.
  4. Talk to your wife about what you want. Have a fucking conversation. Maybe she’ll be into it. (Maybe she won’t, but at least you’ll be slightly less of an asshole for being honest with her.)
How do I know if I will make a good sub?

Do you know what it means to be submissive? Do you like being submissive?* Are you good at being submissive? If yes to all of the above, then you’ll probably be fine… or whatever.

Short of knowing you and making a prediction, you could just buy one of those over-the-counter submission tests. It’s like an OTC pregnancy test, only instead of peeing on the stick, you jerk off onto it.


† What, you thought I would list his phone number? Fuck no. I hope he slams his cock in a car door, but I’m not sadistic enough to publish his phone number.
* There are big differences between aptitude, ability, and enjoyment. Do you have any idea what restraint I employ to  resist the urge to parse out those various meanings? You’re welcome.
May 112015

With companies debuting kinky dating apps, it was only a matter of time before someone launched a kinky version of Airbnb. KinkBNB is a pretty good business idea (damn good, actually), and while there’s the potential for similar problems as bookings on Airbnb, at least orgies won’t be unexpected (actually, KinkBNB hosts can indicate whether their listings are “orgy friendly”).

KinkBNB home page screen shot

The prices are surprisingly reasonable, ranging from $150 a night (Violet Room* in San Francisco, CA, which appears to be a private home) to $650 a night (Le Fleur De Lis Club in Redlands, CA, a well appointed commercial “dungeon”).

Of the 17 listings currently live on KinkBNB, there are a mix of private residential properties and commercial play spaces, many of which boast kinky amenities (spanking benches, St. Andrew’s Crosses, sex swings, padded cages, vac beds, stocks, and suspension rigging points) alongside more conventional lodging appointments (private kitchens with flatware, coffee makers, and complementary refreshments; full bathrooms with luxury bathrobes, toiletries, towels, and hair driers; as well as wireless internet, surround sound stereo with iPod/iPhone docks and Pandora subscriptions, memory foam mattresses, and concierge service).

KinkBNB home page screen shot showing featured listings

I suppose KinkBNB might save someone the trouble of getting a bunch of sex/play toys through TSA for cross-country kinkery, but the idea of using someone else’s toys squicks me the fuck out.

screen shots of amenities (toys) from KinkBNB listings

clockwise from top left: Dungeon West (LA, $250/night); La Douleur Exquise (LA, $250/night); Love in the Lascivious Lair (San Francisco, $300/night); InnThrall (Seattle, $395/night)

All the same, booking a vacation with KinkBNB might be a great opportunity for kinksters without the funds, space, or commitment required to access large, expensive BDSM furniture and equipment.

If you aren’t lucky enough to have access to your own “American style” prison cell, you can rent one. Prison Cell (Regis-Breitingen, Germany, $200/night) does NOT include amenities such as A/C or heat, furniture, equipment, toys, or room service… but I imagine people looking to rent a prison cell aren’t interested in room service, fluffy towels, or complimentary coffee.

KinkBNB listing, Prison Cell, Germany

I’ll be curious to see how KinkBNB develops and the degree to which they parallel Airbnb in terms of posting safety information, warnings, and ‘best practices’ for being a good host/guest, etc. So far, KinkBNB has no such information posted on their website (aside from the TOS, which doesn’t really count).

What do you think about KinkBNB?

  • Would you consider using KinkBNB to book kinky accommodations?
  • Would you consider renting a private residence? A commercial dungeon?
  • Would you use someone else’s furniture, equipment, and/or toys?

KinkBNB website images courtesy of KinkBNB. All property/listing images courtesy of their respective owners.
* From the watermarks on their images, the Violet Room appears to be listed on Airbnb too, though I can’t imagine it’s listed as such. The Violet Room listing also shares one image with Love in the Lascivious Lair in San Francisco, so I don’t know what’s going on there.
FYI, KinkBNB’s not-so-subtle allusion to the Leather Pride Flag didn’t escape my observation. More on that another day (yes, really).
May 082015


Today’s question is from Novice Noemi
(of Tyro Town, TN)
Hi D!,
I was so happy to find a blog that was about the joy of Domination and occasional slip ups, instead of just the craving of another person’s pain. But I’m still a little stuck and terrified of what I want.
I am 21 years old and I have never been in a relationship, but the idea of a normal relationship just never seemed like… enough to me. Recently, trolling the internet, I stumbled onto BDSM.
I keep searching but most (if not almost all) of the information on the internet is purely about sex and pain. I want a relationship based on love affection and trust, while still including the D/S element that I am attracted to. I really think this could be what I want, but I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and have never had consensual sex!! I have no one in my close circle I can ask about this because they will be appalled, but I am soon getting my own apartment and I want to live my own life.
What would be your advice? Do I need to learn to be a good submissive before I can be a good Domme? Do I need to have a cleanly vanilla relationship before anything at all??? I also have NO IDEA how to start a real relationship that includes everything that I feel I need (Did that make sense?).
Noemi (A confused girl)
P.S. I have no idea if you respond to things like this.

Hi Noemi,

I do respond to things like this, but I’m not sure why — I’m completely unqualified to offer anyone advice (you know that, right?). While that fact has never actually stopped me from responding to reader questions, it’s good to keep in mind. First, the easy questions…

Do I need to learn to be a good sub before I can be a good Domme?

No. People don’t need to be submissive to learn how to be a good dominant, nor do they have to be dominant in order to learn how to be a good submissive. With that said, it’s never a bad idea to be empathetic — to imagine yourself in your partner’s position in order to be a better partner to them. But having to sub before you can dom? Nah.

Do I need to have a cleanly vanilla relationship before anything at all?

Cleanly vanilla… as opposed to a kinky or D/s relationship? No — you don’t need to have a ‘cleanly vanilla’ relationship first.

Also, keep two things in mind. First, what’s vanilla to one person might be kinky-as-fuck to someone else. Second, all relationships have a dynamic with components of unequal power. Perhaps Lois defers to Clark on picking out the restaurant, but Clark defers to Lois on controlling the TV remote. Bruce is happy to let Selina handle the couple’s finances, and Selina is grateful that Bruce handles all insurance related decisions.

I have NO IDEA how to start a real relationship that includes everything I feel I need

I’m not the best person to give advice about any of the following, but the most common advice out there is to join (and be active on) FetLife, go to a munch, attend some classes, try a dating website…


Advice You Didn’t Ask For

There’s no need to know exactly what you want. Personally, I think it’s better to know what you absolutely don’t want in a potential partner and to be open to the possibilities of anything and everything else.

Some needs are immutable. Some aren’t. Some needs aren’t really needs at all, but they’re wants. Sometimes what you thought you needed (or wanted) won’t bring you the happiness you seek.

So… what does bring you happiness?

If you don’t know already, then figure it out — find out what brings you happiness — and do that. Spend some time on your work or school, on your friends, your art, your passion… or just spend some time living your life and figuring out what makes you happy.

While your doing that (whatever it is), try a munch, read more on D/s, join an online community and be curious — but don’t limit yourself to one specific vision of what an ideal relationship looks like. Don’t cut yourself off from the possibility of finding a really great friend, boyfriend, or partner just because he isn’t what you thought he should be.

Sometimes happiness bites you in the ass when you least expect it, when you have few expectations, and when you thought you couldn’t be any happier than you already were. That? That’s fucking magical. :)


May 062015


A brass ring is a small grabbable ring that a dispenser presents to a carousel rider during the course of a ride. Usually there are a large number of iron rings and one brass one, or just a few. It takes some dexterity to grab a ring from the dispenser as the carousel rotates. The iron rings can be tossed at a target as an amusement. Typically, getting the brass ring gets the rider some sort of prize when presented to the operator. The prize often is a free repeat ride. The phrase to grab the brass ring is derived from this device. (Wikipedia: Brass Ring)
I got it. :)

“The big brass ring” by nosha, (2010). Work licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0). [changes made: gradient blur, contrast, text overlay]
Apr 142015

So, my career is ramping up, or ending. Possibly both. I’m not sure.

In the beginning of this blog, I described my career as being on knife’s edge between up and coming industry expert or complete and total failure. That was the case some years before I started here, and it was years in the making before that.

I’ll find out soon which side of the blade I’ll fall on.

I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in all my life as I have these past few months. I routinely pull all-nighters like I’m a college kid (I’m not). If the whole career thing doesn’t work out, I’m going to kick myself for not buying stock in eye drops and coffee.

So, I’m feeling reflective, which isn’t much of a deviation from the norm — it’s like status quo to the nth power.

It’s the sort of existential crisis that comes with being on the brink of being what you’re meant to be and what you’ve worked toward… accompanied by the dread that comes with knowing it’s not in your power to decide.

I’ll know soon.

And then I’ll get to keep on doing what I do, or I’ll have to start over. Either way, I’ll move on with my life.

I’m looking forward to it.