my ignorance: submission = weakness

maybe

May 222013

He’s leaving soon. Maybe? Maybe within the next few months. Maybe sooner. Maybe not. He’s come close to leaving before, but this time feels different. As far as I know, I’ve always been privy to his plans to go — I’ve always been aware — but this time, it took me by surprise. Surprise…? Maybe. J has always been leaving, so I can’t say it’s a surprise. It isn’t. But it is. I nearly broke down a few nights ago, right after he told me… right after he left. I sent two emails. email #1: Fuck you. Please stop it. … [read more]

abandon spreadsheet (sometimes less is more)

D/s, my boy, relationship crap

May 122013

abandon spreadsheet (sometimes less is more)

A month and a half ago, a bunch of little communication issues and disappointments all added up, compounded, and finally reached a tipping point. I wasn’t happy about it, but I decided to be proactive in taking steps to improve the situation. I had big plans — I promised crystal clear new rules, weekly tasks, a “Ma’am is pissed at you” early warning system, and a color coded spreadsheet to keep track of it all (complete with push notifications that would be sent to our phones). I wasn’t being over-dramatic, but there’s a teeny, tiny chance my plan was a … [read more]

sad at you

dear J, random, relationship crap

May 102013

I’m sad at you. (Is that even a thing?) It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but it’s difficult to describe. It’s aimless and amorphous; it seeks out direction and fails to find a form. It’s a pervasive, quiet melancholy that comes with separation, a wistful hum in the background of an indeterminately determinate arrangement. It’s missing something that isn’t gone yet; it’s nostalgia before its time. It can’t be fought and it can’t be fixed, so instead, I try to frame it. Missing you affirms how much you’re wanted. Fear of losing you is proof of what you’re worth. The sometimes-sadness … [read more]

it’s not about submission… (why submission isn’t weak)

D/s, erotica, my boy, relationship crap

May 052013

it's not about submission... (why submission isn't weak)

Two years ago, I told J I wasn’t interested in a weak man. This was his response: D, You said neither confession nor obsession turned you off. I’ll take you at your word. When we talked the other night, you mentioned part of what turned you on was being hunted. You also made it clear that you are not interested in weak men. While I understand and respect that, I am not sure you understand me. I do not know what you read or heard, but my being submissive does not make me weak and I resent the implication. Instead … [read more]

my ignorance: submission = weakness

about me, BDSM, D/s, my boy, relationship crap

May 022013

When I saw J for the first time, my attraction was immediate. He was tall, athletic, and clean cut, with killer blue eyes and an air of self-confidence. He dressed well, and his crisp button down shirt hinted at a fantastic build underneath. Later on that day, when he unbuttoned his shirt cuffs and rolled up his sleeves, the ink on his forearms suggested perhaps he wasn’t quite as clean cut as he first appeared. The entire day, I couldn’t keep myself from thinking about what he might look like out of his business casual attire — How cut is … [read more]

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