Sep 202011

I’m lost today, swinging at unfinished thoughts in the air, but nothing is connecting. It was a long weekend and I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around any of it. I have a tendency to conduct post-mortems on my time with J, and for the most part, I find there’s generally something I need to consider, figure out, understand, or learn about myself. It’s like there’s something discordant that needs resolved, and generally, it gets resolved, and it’s a good thing. This time, I don’t feel the resolution and I’m not even sure I can identify the dissonance. I’ve been … [read more]

Sep 172011
BDSM and Aristotle's Aesthetics

I often bristle at some of the language I see associated with BDSM and general kink: actors, players, scenes, props, cues, scripts, costumes, dialogues, etc. On one hand, the language suggests drama–heavy, significant, and serious. On the other, it also suggests fabrication–light, inconsequential, and playful. I understand the language, but I don’t like it. I don’t like to think of myself as an actor doing a scene. I don’t want to imbue everything with significance, but I’m not playing either. While I don’t endorse some of the language in theory, I have to admit the realities of practice. I do … [read more]

Sep 112011
first sex dream

I have no idea how old I was, but my first sex dream was about Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.… [read more]

Aug 202011

As part of my “research” to figure out who I am, what this is, and what I want, I’ve come across so many beautiful photos of stunning Dommes outfitted in second-skin latex, curve-hugging leather corsets, towering on fantastic stiletto heels. Okay, maybe I’m not quite ready to lace myself into leather, but I’d love to find something black and lacy to wear the next time I see J. I know I want a pair of sexy stilettos, and at least, I can wear them to the office–under sensible slacks, of course. I think it’s time to go shopping. I don’t … [read more]

Aug 182011

Right now, I am in a relationship with J. He’s smart and beautiful, and most of the time, he is sweet and attentive. J has known that he is submissive for nine or ten years. I’ve only realized that I’m dominant since I met him. Looking back, I can certainly see signs throughout most of my relationships, but I’ve never felt the urge to dominate anyone before him. It’s been an interesting journey, as he’s an experienced submissive and I’m just realizing that I deeply enjoy dominance. I enjoy hurting him, teasing him, and petting him, and I love being … [read more]