Jul 282015


I’m back. I traveled — by land, by sea, and by air — and now I’m back.

The trip wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great, either. All things considered, I wish I had stayed home. My foot isn’t any less broken, I have a bunch of work emails to catch up on, and on the whole, I did not enjoy seeing old friends.

My friends suck. Or maybe I suck. Or maybe nobody sucks because we’ve just grown apart and friendships are hard to maintain. To be fair, perhaps I should say friendships are hard to revisit (rekindle?) since there’s been little maintenance.

Most of my oldest friends (from high school and university) fall into one of two categories: 1) the marrieds with kids, or 2) the singles.

The Marrieds

The marrieds with kids (or married with dogs, or trying for kids/dogs) are WAY into being married (and/or raising kids) — their lives are ABOUT being married… for better or worse. Marriage and children are either the best-thing-in-the-whole-fucking-world or the worst mistake of their lives.[1]

The marrieds drink a lot… mostly cheap wine and shitty domestic beer.

The Singles

The singles can be divided into three subcategories: a) the ones who desperately want to be married, b) the ones who are now hatefully divorced, and/or c) a few who haven’t gotten the memo that college is over, we’re not in our twenties anymore, it’s time to grow the fuck up.[2] For the record, subcategory “c” has nothing to do with relationship status or sex partners — it has to do with lack of passion or ambition (for anything — work, love, hobbies, etc).febreze-flavored-cocktail

The singles drink a lot too… but they’re all over the map. They drink everything, including, but not limited to:

  • cosmopolitans in unbalanced martini glasses garnished with unnaturally spiraled lemon twists
…fuck Sex in the City… seriously.
  • two-for-one well drinks, drafts, and happy hour specials
…are you familiar with the shame that comes with ordering a “bucket-o-beer”?
  • weird, complicated shots named for body parts, sex acts, and general nonsense, e.g., Buttery Nipple, Blow Job, and Duck Fart.[3]
…drinks that scream “I’m holding onto youth with both hands” or “I’m holding onto youth with one hand… and I’ll jerk you off with the other.”
  • layered cocktails of exotic fruit liqueurs delicately dripped over gigantic spherical ice cubes, infused with herbal aroma vapors, garnished with edible flowers
…is it supposed to taste like lavender Febreze?

Anyway, I just didn’t enjoy anyone’s company (though I did my best to be good company) or conversations… and that feels weird, or a little disappointing? I don’t know. Maybe it just wasn’t what I expected.

Things change. People change. Relationships change. But thankfully, drinking is forever.



1. “I’m married and I’m totally not like that. Fuck you for generalizing about married people.” Did I visit you in the past two weeks? No? Then I’m not talking about you. I’m sure your marriage is awesome, you’re interesting, and if I knew you, I’d have to write a retraction for this post. Also, your kid/dog is ADORABLE.
2. “I’m single and I’m totally not like that. Fuck you for generalizing about single people.” Did I visit you in the past two weeks? No? Then I’m not talking about you. I’m sure being single is awesome, you’re interesting, and if I knew you, we’d totally be BFFs. Also, kids/dogs are ANNOYING.
3. Duck Fart = equal parts Kahlúa, Bailey’s, and Crown Royal


  7 Responses to “the marrieds and the singles (everybody drinks)”

  1. What… No weed? None of ’em smoke any weed!? No wonder you didn’t have that good a time. I have found that weed goes just as well with cheap wine and shitty domestic beer, as it does with exotic crazy ass drink concoctions that always sound better than they taste.

    Best of all, when the conversation begins to drag, you can fall asleep on the couch and nobody will mind. They’ll think you’re just resting your eyes.

    By the way, welcome home.

  2. ty for including the recipe for duck fat. Unbelievably noxious concoction. Hope you didn’t do one?
    That alone would have killed the trip for me.

    Wait til you revisit them in their so-called Golden years, cause then they will all discuss health, non stop. The state of their health in detail, including illnesses you’ve never heard of, or the health of everyone else around them, or the regimen they’ve set up to avoid the inevitable. This will involve even more incredible details of diets, supplements, and exercising, which they believe will reward them with immortality.

    The only solution to this is to plead hard-of-hearing, get another drink and tell yourself the best revenge will be to simply outlast them. You think you don’t like them now, just wait!

    Personally I am following my mom’s advice which is to make younger friends, they’ll be less likely to die on you. When you lose your friends, even the ones you’re no longer to keen about, you’ll feel very sad because they’ll take a lot of happy shared memories with them.

    Hugs, Raffi xo

  3. I’m with you on the married friends, but I realize that my identity as “married” – when I was – was so much more important to me than my personal development. I needed that protection of the group identity to camouflage the fact that I was so fucking miserable.

    I still continue to see my married friends after going through an awkward period of not tolerating them. To me, the value of our shared past and current non-marriage related interests trumps the irritation I feel at hearing about which method of dog/child rearing yields better behaved pets/pets.

  4. LOL! I can relate to this post! When I was in my twenties most of my friends were having kids and that changed their lives forever. I was foot loose and fancy free traveling the world without any responsibility but, myself. I would come home to visit and couldn’t relate to their new lifestyle. It became more of an effort than it was worth. I finally just gave up on any kind of “MAINTENANCE” and so did they. I still don’t have kids and never will. I’ve been married twice and am single again. Everyone elses lives revolve around their kids. I’ve found the older you get the less friends you have. People move away, die, etc… Most people talk about their kids and grand kids. Me, I just listen. I don’t have anything to share in that department. I have one single friend left who never had kids. That’s life in the single’s lane I guess!
    Conundrum Flats

  5. There is actually one category of single you forgot to mention that is way cooler to visit then all the other categories:

    Single Awesome Lesbian: Doesn’t drink fancy named or cheap drinks. Has vodka ready. Loves to listen to beautiful intelligent women and have intellectual conversations. Not married, not looking to be married. Child will be 18 very shortly and takes care of herself mostly. I’m happy divorced not angrily divorced. I’ve grown the fuck up. I’m very ambitious and extremely passionate. Happily willing to pamper ladies (take shoes off, get drinks, rub your tired feet, etc) and provide entertainment.

    I hope I pass the test!! lol I probably don’t because I’m still single though.


  6. I fall into the very odd category of “Married but no kids and not trying for kids.” Which basically means that I can’t talk to the marrieds about diaper changing, child rearing, or paying for college. And I’m also not interested in pretending I’m twentysomething any more either. Not that I was ever into drinking and carousing in the first place. I do tend to have more interests in common with people younger than I am, but I’m also in a very different place in life than most of them. I can still talk to my age group about home maintenance issues and hedge funds, though! So hopefully I’m not in danger of becoming that creepy old lady at the rave who freaks out all the twentysomethings.

  7. Duck Fart sounds revolting. Excellent use of the Conch Republic flag. Batten down the hatches….

 Leave a Reply