Jun 222015
 

J and I are trying to untangle an amorphous snarl of hurt feelings, miscommunications, and mismatched expectations related to the relationship (past, present, and future). Yeah… we’re still something.

That something? I’m not sure what to call it. It’s a relationship where we’re broken up without a break up, in a situation where  we’re physically separate, but not emotionally separated. We’re not together, but not apart. We’re both single, but not looking* because we’re still in love (but doomed).

What do you call that? A mess? Sure. But it’s the mess we find ourselves in. It’s one we’ve been in, but I’ve been hesitant to talk about because I’m not sure how to talk about it, because there’s so much unresolved, and because it’s probably boring to read about.

Recently, he hit an emotional breaking point because I’ve been distant. I’ve been distant because he’s not handled my feelings well since he left. (How’s that for vague?)

Anyway, I’ve had a recurring dream since he left — not a single dream, but variations on a theme. The details of the dreams that remain constant are that it’s always he and I, alone together, in an otherwise empty space.

In the weeks right after he left…
I dream of fucking him on a couch in a big empty room (in a big empty house).  The house is unfamiliar — it isn’t his or mine — and it’s not clear who is moving out, or moving in, or whether we are moving separately or together.
As the months passed…
The dream evolves into one that begins with us in an elevator going down. We are leaving some sort of party (not a loud boisterous celebration, but a dark room filled with sweaty bodies twisting against one another). The elevator doors open into a massive, dimly lit, empty industrial space. We take a few steps into the room before I turn, back him into a wall, and maul him. There is no sex, but lots of hungry kisses and crude groping. When he tries to move away from the wall, I shove him back, wrench his head to get at his mouth, and maul him again.
That dream morphed into…
I find him seated at a huge dining table, set up for a banquet or reception, only in medieval times (I blame binge watching Game of Thrones for that). He is the only one in the room. I pull back his chair, unzip his pants, and pull his cock free. Lifting my skirt, I straddle him, slip his cock inside me and start grinding. Neither one of us speaks, but we both know we have to fuck quickly before anyone else enters the room.

line-break-flourish-sm

In hindsight, I realize these dreams come in the days following some sort of emotional turmoil or tension between us (happy, hot tension or sad and frustrated stuff). In our most recent tangle, I sent a long, painstakingly written (emotionally draining) letter.

The dream shifted again…
We are outdoors on a massive stone staircase, looking down. It’s unclear what’s below and what’s above — there are concrete steps and nothing more. I stand; he is seated next to my feet. He reaches up, wraps his arms around my waist, and rests his head against my hip.
He asks if I feel him, if I can feel his arms around me, if I can feel his weight against mine.
“Of course,” I tell him… but it’s not true.
I see him there — he is flesh and bone and blood — but I can’t feel him.

fading couple on stone staircase


* Also, I can’t speak for him, but I’m not looking because I’m not interested in dating, fucking, or finding another partner right now. It’s just not on my “things to do” list.
Composite based on “Stairs, Temple” by Unsplash, (2013). Work licensed under a CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0) Public Domain Dedication.

  16 Responses to “recurring dream (variations on a theme)”

  1. That sounds really difficult.

    I’m actually really glad you and J are still a ‘thing’: I kept wanting to fight for your relationship when he was moving: you sometimes only saw each other once a month when you were together anyway, “GET ON A PLANE EVERY MONTH!” I wanted to all-caps at you because ‘LOVE!! *flailing*‘.

    Short story: One of my exes has been in plane-distance LDR for 15 years, a short stint of living together in there when it worked out for them, but then moving again. They fly to meet up frequently, go on holidays together, and are one of the happiest couples I know.

    So yeah, why aren’t you on a plane right now if you have emotional stuff to sort out. Hasn’t the high stress work stuff settled down? Whyyyyy???!

    Rhetorical question of course: I know internet people saying this kind of shit isn’t helpful, though I’m saying it, so apparently I can only hold things in so long before I explode.

    Also THIS is interesting stuff: navigating actual relationships, the messy reality of complex situations, they grey areas.

    Sending a whole bunch of positive thoughts. I really hope you and J can work it out, whatever ‘it’ is.

    Ferns

    • I’m actually really glad you and J are still a ‘thing’: I kept wanting to fight for your relationship when he was moving: you sometimes only saw each other once a month when you were together anyway, “GET ON A PLANE EVERY MONTH!” I wanted to all-caps at you because ‘LOVE!! *flailing*‘.

      Yeah, it’s something. :/ Before he left, I thought it would be easier to make a clean break… and it would have been… if we were able to do that. Apparently, 2,500 miles (4,000 km) doesn’t make people not love each other anymore. While I’m sure that’s obvious to most people, I thought it was more an in theory thing than in practice. I was betting on “out of sight; out of mind.”

      Short story: One of my exes has been in plane-distance LDR for 15 years, a short stint of living together in there when it worked out for them, but then moving again. They fly to meet up frequently, go on holidays together, and are one of the happiest couples I know.

      That’s tremendously sweet — thank you for sharing. :)

      So yeah, why aren’t you on a plane right now if you have emotional stuff to sort out. Hasn’t the high stress work stuff settled down? Whyyyyy???!

      The work stuff has settled down for a bit. As for why I’m not on a plane, that’s an excellent question for which I have a not-so-excellent answer… I think I’ll write about it, actually.

      Rhetorical question of course: I know internet people saying this kind of shit isn’t helpful, though I’m saying it, so apparently I can only hold things in so long before I explode.

      It is helpful, actually, because it makes me thinks things through in a more meaningful way than how they’ve been all jumbled around in my head. So, thank you. :)

      Also THIS is interesting stuff: navigating actual relationships, the messy reality of complex situations, they grey areas. Sending a whole bunch of positive thoughts. I really hope you and J can work it out, whatever ‘it’ is.

      Thank you for saying so. It is a great grey area (patterned grey, perhaps paisley or polka dots, rather than shades of grey, of course)

  2. Exactly what Ferns says! (though my *flailing* is hardly adequate compared to hers!)

    • though my *flailing* is hardly adequate compared to hers!

      I strongly disagree — your *flailing* is well-beyond adequate. It’s above average, at least!

  3. If I had any hope that TN still loved me…

    The emotional wasteland of a breakup is no where to be. I can’t begin to tell you how painful it’s been trying to navigate a new relationship (with him or anybody else), but I’ve finally decided to do the opposite of what you say you’re doing: I’ve given up on him and I’m looking for a replacement.

    It’s goddamned awful, though…

    • The emotional wasteland of a breakup is no where to be.

      I know it. I feel like I’ve been on the perimeter of that sort of breakup for a while — tip-toeing in and out mentally. It’s nothing like the real deal, though, and I’m sorry you’re in it.

      I consider myself very lucky that we never really broke up. We didn’t have any problems — we were in a really good place when he moved away.

      I’ve finally decided to do the opposite of what you say you’re doing: I’ve given up on him and I’m looking for a replacement.

      I give you all the kudos in the world for making a conscious decision to do what’s best for you and move on. I’m in a slightly different place, though, as I wasn’t looking for a relationship when J happened, nor do I have any real desire for one. A relationship with J, however, is a different thing entirely.

      *hugs* to you, Hy.

  4. Those dreams don’t help, do they…?

    Fingers crossed that the “thing” works out… in the best possible thingy way.

  5. That is a LOT of transition symbolism…

  6. No advice to offer. But we do want to know because we care about you!

    I spent a whole year in the grey zone. It stinks.

  7. I concur with Ferns.

    Long-distance relationships bring all sorts of additional problems with them. Many, many problems. But really, if you love one another, can’t live without each other, and are not planning to start a family, it’s a no-brainer.

    Half a loaf, and all that…

  8. That story would have been better with an animated GIF. Maybe a slinky on an escalator.

  9. I’m one of those people that is VERY interested in hearing your ‘BORING’ relationship experiences! I’ve been in a LDR for a little over three years now. It’s been VERY difficult to say the least! It’s been SO worth it though! We see each other when we can! When we’re apart we keep in touch by phone and face time. I’m her male submissive and sometimes she has a session with me via face time! She is supposed to move here. We don’t know when. Until then we keep things going long distance! We will keep that frustrating emotional roller coaster going. It will TOTALLY be worth it to get on that plane!

    • Glad to hear things are working out for you! Hopefully, she’ll/you’ll be able to move sooner than later. :)

      I suspect things are a bit different in my situation because we started out as a not-so-long-distance relationship (we didn’t live together — we were “driving distance”). It’s been tough transitioning, particularly because neither one of us wanted an LDR (I didn’t, at least, and I still don’t want one… sorta).

      Good luck on the emotional roller coaster! It sounds like you both have things worked out until you get the chance to live in the same place. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that the move is soon!

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