May 142015


Reader questions on vampire gloves, dumb ideas, and foolproof indicators of submissiveness.

I’m looking for spikes as used on the gloves you mentioned. Would you help me to find out, where I can buy such spikes and how they are named?
Kindest regards from Austria.

Hello Austria. What an interesting name! (heh)

If you’re looking for the gloves with spikes, they’re called ‘vampire gloves,’ ‘vampire mitts,’ or ‘spanking gloves.’ If you’re just looking for the spikes, my hunch is that they come already attached to some sort of fabric. I’d recommend contacting Mistress Serene over at Love Bite Gloves. She sadistically lovingly makes vegan, fabric vampire gloves by hand, so she would know.

I would like to be trained to be a slave, I am married she doesn’t know, if you train me I will only obey you my mobile number is 075-JERKOFF†.

She doesn’t know you are married? Or she doesn’t know you are married to her? Does she know she’s married at all? Holy shit… if you’ve married her and she doesn’t know, you’ve achieved Silver Dragon Ninja level stealth submission. Kudos to you.


Despite your piss poor grammar, I’m going to assume the most likely situation: you’d like to go behind your wife’s back in “submitting” to a Domme. Aren’t you a fucking gem?

All the same, I can overlook the fact you’re a terrible human being if you’re serious. You’ll obey only me, hmm? Excellent! Slave training begins today.

  1. Buy a grammar book. Learn everything in it.
  2. Slam your cock in a car door.
  3. Use your new mastery of grammar to write your wife an apology for being such an awful person.
  4. Talk to your wife about what you want. Have a fucking conversation. Maybe she’ll be into it. (Maybe she won’t, but at least you’ll be slightly less of an asshole for being honest with her.)
How do I know if I will make a good sub?

Do you know what it means to be submissive? Do you like being submissive?* Are you good at being submissive? If yes to all of the above, then you’ll probably be fine… or whatever.

Short of knowing you and making a prediction, you could just buy one of those over-the-counter submission tests. It’s like an OTC pregnancy test, only instead of peeing on the stick, you jerk off onto it.


† What, you thought I would list his phone number? Fuck no. I hope he slams his cock in a car door, but I’m not sadistic enough to publish his phone number.
* There are big differences between aptitude, ability, and enjoyment. Do you have any idea what restraint I employ to  resist the urge to parse out those various meanings? You’re welcome.

  9 Responses to “Q/A: vampire gloves, dumb ideas, and sub tests”

  1. Some people just can’t handle the results though…

  2. That’s funny

  3. I needed a smile, thank you for being the cause

  4. Thank you so much for a big belly laugh brought on by your hilarious grammar-based comments! Someone on OK Cupid recently sent me the message “whats your sexual preference?” and I wrote back, “People who capitalize their sentences.”

  5. On tests for submissiveness: once I was at a talk and an idiot whom I shall not name pulled up a volunteer and told the audience, “You can tell he’s submissive because he lets me do this.” She was putting her hand on his throat. I wanted to put my teeth around her bones. That’s so damn close to saying, “All subs let me do whatever I want.” No, lady, I am NOT submissive to you.

    But years later, I heard another speaker talk about ways of figuring out a partner’s particular flavour of kink while playing with them. He said, “If you put your hand on their throat and they relax, that often means they’re into D/s, not just S&M.” And that made a lot more sense to me.

    Having said that, I think you’re a good sub if you’re a good PERSON. End of story. Subbing itself is just about what you like. There is no way to be good or bad about it, any more than there is a good or bad way to like strawberry ice cream.

  6. You are a Fucking riot! People say the darndest things on the internet. Thank you for sharing some of them! Absolutely look forward to your posts. . Always make me grin.

    (My space bar is working today! )

  7. LOL Clearblue Submission test, hilarious :-)

  8. I can’t believe you didn’t mention the submission test! *runs off to walmart*

    You always keep me coming back for your sarcastic humor and wit.


  9. The phone number! I’d have signed him up for every text-spam thing I could find. I assume you didn’t, because you’re classier than I am.

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