May 082015
 

vanilla-kinky-ds-question

Today’s question is from Novice Noemi
(of Tyro Town, TN)
Hi D!,
I was so happy to find a blog that was about the joy of Domination and occasional slip ups, instead of just the craving of another person’s pain. But I’m still a little stuck and terrified of what I want.
I am 21 years old and I have never been in a relationship, but the idea of a normal relationship just never seemed like… enough to me. Recently, trolling the internet, I stumbled onto BDSM.
I keep searching but most (if not almost all) of the information on the internet is purely about sex and pain. I want a relationship based on love affection and trust, while still including the D/S element that I am attracted to. I really think this could be what I want, but I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and have never had consensual sex!! I have no one in my close circle I can ask about this because they will be appalled, but I am soon getting my own apartment and I want to live my own life.
What would be your advice? Do I need to learn to be a good submissive before I can be a good Domme? Do I need to have a cleanly vanilla relationship before anything at all??? I also have NO IDEA how to start a real relationship that includes everything that I feel I need (Did that make sense?).
Respectfully,
Noemi (A confused girl)
P.S. I have no idea if you respond to things like this.

Hi Noemi,

I do respond to things like this, but I’m not sure why — I’m completely unqualified to offer anyone advice (you know that, right?). While that fact has never actually stopped me from responding to reader questions, it’s good to keep in mind. First, the easy questions…

Do I need to learn to be a good sub before I can be a good Domme?

No. People don’t need to be submissive to learn how to be a good dominant, nor do they have to be dominant in order to learn how to be a good submissive. With that said, it’s never a bad idea to be empathetic — to imagine yourself in your partner’s position in order to be a better partner to them. But having to sub before you can dom? Nah.

Do I need to have a cleanly vanilla relationship before anything at all?

Cleanly vanilla… as opposed to a kinky or D/s relationship? No — you don’t need to have a ‘cleanly vanilla’ relationship first.

Also, keep two things in mind. First, what’s vanilla to one person might be kinky-as-fuck to someone else. Second, all relationships have a dynamic with components of unequal power. Perhaps Lois defers to Clark on picking out the restaurant, but Clark defers to Lois on controlling the TV remote. Bruce is happy to let Selina handle the couple’s finances, and Selina is grateful that Bruce handles all insurance related decisions.

I have NO IDEA how to start a real relationship that includes everything I feel I need

I’m not the best person to give advice about any of the following, but the most common advice out there is to join (and be active on) FetLife, go to a munch, attend some classes, try a dating website…

vanilla-kinky-ds-4

Advice You Didn’t Ask For

There’s no need to know exactly what you want. Personally, I think it’s better to know what you absolutely don’t want in a potential partner and to be open to the possibilities of anything and everything else.

Some needs are immutable. Some aren’t. Some needs aren’t really needs at all, but they’re wants. Sometimes what you thought you needed (or wanted) won’t bring you the happiness you seek.

So… what does bring you happiness?

If you don’t know already, then figure it out — find out what brings you happiness — and do that. Spend some time on your work or school, on your friends, your art, your passion… or just spend some time living your life and figuring out what makes you happy.

While your doing that (whatever it is), try a munch, read more on D/s, join an online community and be curious — but don’t limit yourself to one specific vision of what an ideal relationship looks like. Don’t cut yourself off from the possibility of finding a really great friend, boyfriend, or partner just because he isn’t what you thought he should be.

Sometimes happiness bites you in the ass when you least expect it, when you have few expectations, and when you thought you couldn’t be any happier than you already were. That? That’s fucking magical. :)

 

  7 Responses to “sub before domme? vanilla before kink?”

  1. Spot on advice….You’rereallygoodatcutting through bullshit (sorry..think my phone is dying and is refusing to auto space) Thatissooften ones first foray into this life style. Kudos!

    Nilla

  2. “Your” to “you’re” in the second to last paragraph.
    Cheers.

    • Thanks, Anon, but I’m leaving it!

      I don’t want to encourage reader-editors to alert me to every error on the blog… that could get tedious. :)

  3. I was once in Noemi’s position, and a guy on Bondage.com said to me incredulously, “You want to do this before you’ve even had vanilla sex?” That hurt for years. Finally someone told me, “That’s like telling gay people they should try vanilla sex first!”

    I would agree with the general advice to join FetLife and meet real people, but I would also stress that FetLife stinks if you leave out the meeting real people part.

    Last piece of advice: take your time! That’s why doing non-kinky happy things is so important. You have to be able to turn down kink opportunities which don’t look right, and it’s a lot easier to do that if you don’t feel like your chance of happiness is riding on every single one.

    • I would also stress that FetLife stinks if you leave out the meeting real people part.

      It stinks if you leave out the “meeting real people” part BUT you’re looking to connect with people. It’s fine for just getting an idea of conversations and types of people out there. (I have very low expectations for FetLife).

      take your time! That’s why doing non-kinky happy things is so important. You have to be able to turn down kink opportunities which don’t look right, and it’s a lot easier to do that if you don’t feel like your chance of happiness is riding on every single one.

      EXCELLENT advice, Yingtai. Besides, if you focus too much on any one part of life, it becomes TOO important and too consequential.

  4. I just want to expand on one idea a little bit.

    The idea that you have to be submissive before you can be dominant.

    I’ve met dominants who’ve gone that route and I’m met dominants who say they could never, and will never, be submissive. The path should be yours to chose. Don’t let any “authority” decide for you what’s right. You’ll find people who talk about “true” submissives and “true” dominants. Be careful of the “authorities.” They’re usually just talk and trouble.

    That said, the idea isn’t that you have to be submissive first. It’s that you experience some of the things a submissive might in order to understand how they feel, to know what they’re going though as you dominate them. So that you can be better as a dominate.

    That could go as far as submitting completely or just as little as flogging your own arm to see how it feels. Experience is the important thing. The best way to get it, in my opinion, is to find your local scene. Attend munches, make friends, watch other people scene and get an idea of what you’re interested in.

    Make lots of friends, as many as you can. Get to know submissives and dominants. Ask around and find out who has experience and who you should be careful of. Just as every scene has people that are friendly and willing to help it also has people who prey on the new comers. Be careful, thoughtful and ease your way into things.

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