Oct 082014
 

Today’s reader question comes from Hopeful Husband from Mangled Metaphors, Massachusetts, who wants to be dominated by his wife.


My wife is vanilla and I wish to be dominated and feminized. I know this will be slow process. I am unable to express my desires and do not want to freak her out. Sexually I suck her toes, massage her body and give lots of oral. She is naturally somewhat dominant and feminine. I think she would enjoy more control.
Increasingly I am doing more around the house and trying to please her. I guess I just need to come and just say it. Or I should be the knight in shining armor and put up on a pedestal. Long term relationship and we are retired. Your thoughts are appreciated.

I really don’t know what to do with questions like these. I’m going to pull this one apart.

Oh, and before someone points out that I can’t possibly know all the details of Hopeful Husband’s relationship with his wife… yeah, I get that. I’m doing the best I can with the details I was given. If you’d like to file a complaint with our Feedback Department, click the little “X” on your browser tab and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.

I am unable to express my desires and do not want to freak her out.

If you’re honestly unable to express your desires, I think you’re pretty much fucked. My hunch is that you are able — you’re just nervous. That’s understandable, but you’re going to have to find a way to discuss what you want because leading her to “dominance” any other way is dishonest (in my opinion).

I think she would enjoy more control.

Why? Why do you think she would enjoy more control? You can’t really know unless you ask her.

Increasingly I am doing more around the house and trying to please her.

Urgh! Why are you linking chores and pleasing your partner to being dominated and feminized? First, doing chores isn’t feminine — there’s no natural or biological link between being a woman and doing laundry (or whatever). Second, why aren’t you doing this stuff anyway? Sharing household responsibilities and being nice to your partner is part of being in a healthy relationship (and that goes for vanilla relationships and kinky ones).

I guess I just need to come and just say it.

Yes. You do need to come out and say it. Of course, you can be sensitive to her and measured in the way you present your desires, but at some point, you’re going to have to discuss it. When you do, be sure to give her some time to think about it listen to what she says when she responds. I get that you have kinky wants and desires, but you’re in a relationship, so this isn’t just about what you want/need.knight in shining armor on a pedastal

Or I should be the knight in shining armor and put [her] up on a pedestal.

Wow. That sentence is well over 50% metaphor, and neither of your metaphors work. First, unless your wife needs rescued, she doesn’t need a “knight in shining armor.” Second, “putting her on a pedestal” is a really shitty metaphor — your wife isn’t an object and you can’t put her wherever you want her.

If the context of your question was different, I’d be more inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that by “putting her on a pedestal” you meant that you intend to do things to make her happy… simply because you love her. But since you’re thinking of sneakily “encouraging” her into dominance because your cock told you to, I can’t give you the benefit of the doubt.

But even if I could, why the fuck is trying to make your wife happy only a recent goal for you?

Oh yeah… because you want something from her. Because cock. You have one… and it’s very important. Meh.

Acting/being submissive with the secret intention of turning your partner dominant is called “stealth submission.” There are people who advocate this as a means to “turn” a woman dominant, but I’m not a fan. With very few exceptions, I think it’s selfish and manipulative.

Of course, everyone is selfish and manipulative to varying degrees, and there are reasonable, understandable, and ethical ways to “change” a partner’s behavior — like complementing her cooking to encourage her to cook more often, or asking him directly to take responsibility for the laundry. But trying to push your wife into dominating and feminizing you without talking about it with her is just too much. You’re not nudging her to take out the trash more often — what you want sounds like a major change in your relationship roles and expression/practice of sexuality. That’s something you need to talk to about… together. Tricking her into fulfilling your fantasies — even by being extra nice — isn’t likely to work, and even if it does, it’s dishonest, manipulative, and selfish.

So, talk to her.

Presumably, if you’re in a long term relationship, part of what has enabled you to stay together is a commitment to fulfilling each others needs. Hopefully, that means she’ll be open to discussing your fantasies and willing to indulge you (better yet, she might be into it!).

You won’t know unless you ask.

 


Related Reading: How to turn your wife into your Domme

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  12 Responses to “he wants his wife to dominate… because cock (he has one, and it’s very important)”

  1. I clicked the little x to give you some feedback.
    When can I expect to hear back from you? :)

    • For responses to general complaints, expect delivery on February 31st.

      For responses to stupid complaints, please allow 8-10 weeks.

      For responses to insulting/condescending/angry complaints, please allow 12-14 minutes or 12-14 years. Time in transit depends on reserves of patience and current stock of snark.

      For all other inquiries, please press ALT+F4 (Win) or ⌘Q (OSX).

  2. So many questions. How long has your correspondent wished to be dominated? If he knew he was submissive before getting married, then why were these issues not discussed openly beforehand? Alternatively, again, if he knew his own ‘deviant’ sexuality, why did he not seek out a dominant woman to relate to and then commit to? There has never been a better time with more opportunity to do this.

    Alternatively, if his need for submission incubated over a long period, and then emerged *after* his marriage, then he’s between a rock and a hard place, because partners of either sex, tend to jib at being confronted with sexual needs that were either not there, or concealed at the outset. They feel cheated, and may well lose respect for their partner.

    • So many questions. How long has your correspondent wished to be dominated?

      I’m a little curious too, but I’m not sure any of that matters. He can’t go back and change the past, so, as you say, he’s in a bit of a spot.

      partners of either sex, tend to jib at being confronted with sexual needs that were either not there, or concealed at the outset. They feel cheated, and may well lose respect for their partner.

      I don’t know about this. Sure, a partner might feel misled at not having known about the other partner’s sexual preferences earlier, but a partner also might understand and want to give it a go. I’m sure it depends on how open minded they are about non-traditional expression of sexuality (i.e. freaky kinky sex, etc.), but it’s absolutely possible… and I’m going to hope that’s the case. :)

  3. This brightened my morning. I especially liked the bit about the complaints department. So thanks.

    Fury

  4. ”Increasingly I am doing more around the house and trying to please her.”

    I find this a bit amusing because, I do lots of laundry, cooking, and other “chores”, not because I want to be dominated, but because shit gets dirty and we get hungry. I also try to go out of my way to do nice stuff for my room-mate because we have to live together so I might as well make it as pleasant as possible for the both of us. Even though she has no intention of ever dominating me, (we even sleep in separate rooms) we always have plenty to eat, and our clothes always smell spring-time fresh.

    ”Or I should be the knight in shining armor and put [her] up on a pedestal.”

    As far as the shining armor goes, I don’t like it because it’s noisy, uncomfortable, and unless you constantly polish it, the shine wears off rather quickly. (Yeah, THAT”S the part they never tell you about… It’s in the service manual) We do however, have a mutual agreement that we help each other out of tough spots. We both have spare keys and a small amount of bail money, if needed. It’s the neighborly thing to do.

    Also, I don’t even HAVE a pedestal. My apartment is too small, and anyway, anyone who’d want to be put up there would have to fight it out with two cats and a parrot for the honor. The smart money is on the bird.

    • As far as the shining armor goes, I don’t like it because it’s noisy, uncomfortable, and unless you constantly polish it, the shine wears off rather quickly. (Yeah, THAT”S the part they never tell you about… It’s in the service manual)

      I know, right? It is really hard to get suits of armor smelling springtime fresh (like you do with the laundry, of course).

      anyone who’d want to be put up there would have to fight it out with two cats and a parrot for the honor. The smart money is on the bird.

      I’m not sure cats really deserve to be up there… but the parrot… now that is one beast that is both majestic and demanding. I feel a kinship there…

      (Slapshot, honest to goodness, I’m thinking of instating some sort of “comment of the month” award just for this comment alone. It made me LOL and that isn’t even something I do)

  5. A Standing ovation for the advice given! Well done!

    (Hopefully that helps balance out the complaints)

  6. Ha! I wish I got questions like these. Though I wouldn’t field them nearly as adeptly as you.

    My heart actually goes out to the guy. He’s 65+, this is probably an intimidating prospect to finally shift the power. He wrote a clumsy email, for sure, but I bet his intentions are good. Oops- I just revealed how Pollyanna I can be sometimes ;)

    • He wrote a clumsy email, for sure, but I bet his intentions are good

      Yeah, I guess so, but honestly, I’m getting tired of the of continuing to excuse bad behavior on the count of intentions that aren’t even really good, just intentions that aren’t bad.

      It’s just when these dudes write in, it’s mostly “me, me, me” with little or nothing about the wives or what they might want. I still wonder what makes people think their partners would enjoy control — I suspect they would respond “who wouldn’t want more control”? to which I would respond “you, and countless like you…”

      Eh… so much for one sided conversations that happen in my head. :)

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