Oct 272014
 
But as long as you hemorrhoidal gunt stains continue this asininity, [. . . .] it makes me want to pick you all up collectively and shake you until your rectum leaks out what little brains you have because YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB.

line-break-flourish-smChris KluweIt’s been too long since I last updated my celebrity crush list (though Rachel Maddow, Marc Maron, Henry Rollins, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson are still on it).

Today, Chris Kluwe — outspoken gay (equal) rights advocate, same sex marriage supporter, Voltaire fan, card carrying nerd, gamergate destroyer, and former punter for some American football team — has the high honor of making it onto my crush list. (Congratulations, Chris! You can pick up your award at my place… just ring the bell and drop your pants…)

After hearing him on Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist (#323) and Aisha Tyler’s Girl on Guy (#87) podcasts, I was impressed with Kluwe’s willingness to speak out about issues of gay (equal) rights and marriage equality as part of the NFL (and subsequently, speak up against censorship of his views). Undoubtedly, his outspokenness had something to do with his being released by the Minnesota Vikings (and his not being picked up by any other team, despite having a pretty good record of kicking footballs where they’re supposed to go).

Recently, Kluwe spoke out about gamergate in the most brilliant way — his article, “Why #Gamergaters Piss Me The F*** Off” on Medium is a thing of beauty. It’s not what he said that put him on my list, but the way he said it (okay… what he said was pretty great, too). He is, truly, a poet and a gentleman — I stand in awe and reverence at his mastery of the language I hold in high esteem.

A selection of his eloquence and brilliant wordsmithery…

You slopebrowed weaseldicks with zero reading comprehension and even less critical thinking skills who think an article claiming “Gamers are dead” is something bad? Fuck me sideways with a sandblaster.

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But as long as you hemorrhoidal gunt stains continue this asininity, they won’t, and it makes me want to pick you all up collectively and shake you until your rectum leaks out what little brains you have because YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB.

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Every time I see one of you slackjawed pickletits link me something like “I’m a moderate #Gamergate’r,” [. . .] it pisses me the fuck off because you are ruining something I enjoy.

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I hope you all, every #Gamergater, picks up a debilitating case of genital warts.

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And if you aren’t already swooning as hard as I am, here’s a Chris Kluwe bonus quote from his open letter to Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. (who wrote a letter to the Baltimore Ravens’ owner demanding he censor a Ravens player who expressed support for marriage equality:

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.

middle, left: cover photo of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities by Chris Kluwe, Little, Brown & Company, 2013.
middle, right: photo of Chris Kluwe by Chris Kluwe, Lockerz.
bottom: “Chris Kluwe” for Out. Photography by David Bowman (2012), and styling by Brent Austin Coover. From by “Chris Kluwe: Kick Ass,” article by Cyd Zeigle, Oct. 2 2012.

  3 Responses to “slackjawed pickletits; slopebrowed weaseldicks”

  1. Hey…I saw him first so you know……..:)

    Seriously though I was SO proud of him when I first read this months ago. America and our political correct nonsense drives me nuts. Its like the Christian right feels they can engage in bully tactics based on whatever the “Sin-Flavor of the Week” is….gays……porn etc. and no one is allowed to voice opposition. More power to the guy and anyone else that takes a stand for those that are oppressed! :)

  2. thanks for adding this guy to my radar screen. My guess is he did not fit into a conventional NFL locker room. Wouldn’t it be nice for some contrarian NFL coach put together a team filled with this type of “misfit” and kick every other team’s ass.

    Mick

    • Wouldn’t it be nice for some contrarian NFL coach put together a team filled with this type of “misfit” and kick every other team’s ass.

      I’d cheer for them. Hell, I’d be a cheerleader… if I did that sort of thing. :)

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