Aug 132014

I have a relatively well-appointed workspace in my garage, but it’s for woodworking. I don’t do metal beyond Firehouse, junior high shop class level soldering, and occasional short-lived obsessions with various arts and crafts. I don’t own a bandsaw, a blow torch, or bolt cutters.

In theory, taking O-rings off a collar isn’t difficult or complicated, but in reality, it took me while to figure out. It required multiple trips to Home Depot and several frustration-related cocktail breaks.

In hindsight, I should have taken some measurements and read up on what’s required to cut through different gauges of metal. Or I could have just taken the collar with me to Home Depot and asked an employee for a recommendation.

I mean, Home Depot is pretty fucking kinky anyway (it’s my favorite place for pervertibles). And I don’t give a fuck if Employee-of-the-Month Dax McJerksov realizes I like to fuck boys while they’re collared and chained to my bed. If he does, I’m sure his bright orange apron will hide his hard-on well enough.

bdsm pervertables at hardware storepervertibles: WD40 isn’t an appropriate substitute for lube, but zip ties are made of awesome.
aprons to hide hardwareDax McJerksov, Employee of Month: the apron hides the boner… I mean… the ‘hardware.’

Anyway, the first bolt cutters I bought didn’t cut jack shit. They did little more than put ugly dents in the D-rings, so I assumed I just needed bigger bolt cutters. Once again, I didn’t bother to read anything — I just went back to the store and bought a bigger pair.

The bigger bolt cutters made bigger dents, but didn’t cut even halfway through.

At some point, I noticed the odd hex screws (eccentricity bolts?) and realized that bolt cutters need to be calibrated in some way. (The damn things don’t come with instructions and I didn’t think I needed any beyond step 1) buy bolt cutters, step 2) cut bolt.)

kinky crafts bolt cutters

Adjusting the bolt cutters correctly took some time (and even more frustration-related cocktails) — surprisingly, there aren’t decent instructions online. The instructions I found told me to adjust the blades until they were a sheet-of-paper-thickness apart (almost touching, but not), but they didn’t tell me how to do that. (Yes, I knew it was the hex bolts/screws/nuts/whateverthefuck, but with three of them, I didn’t know which of them to adjust, in which direction, or to what degree. If I got the blades parallel, they were too far apart. When I got them close enough, they weren’t parallel….)

Anyway, I fucked around with the adjustments, had another cocktail, and at some point, I finally got the blades parallel and almost-but-not-quite-touching.

bdsm collar craft repurposingDon’t be a douchebag and email me instructions on how to adjust bolt cutters. I don’t give a fuck.

After I adjusted the bolt cutters properly, I had a celebratory cocktail, cried a little, had an “I’m sad” cocktail, and passed out a short time later. Thankfully, I made it out of the garage and fell asleep on the couch. Still, waking up with a ratchet and a bunch of different sockets on my coffee table was a bit disorienting.

The next day, or maybe the day after that (more breakup sex was somewhere in there), I returned to the garage, stuck the rings in the vice grips and bolt-cutted a half an inch of steel out of the D-ring on the left and the D-ring on the right. It was fucking transcendent — I felt purposeful, powerful, and masculine (wait… stereotypical ‘dudes’ don’t use the word “transcendent” to describe their feelings… do they?). The only thing that would have made it better is if I had been wearing a cock while I did it. Unfortunately, not wearing pants in the garage is a health hazard on a number of levels.

It took exactly 4 minutes and 47 seconds from when I started turning the vice grips on the first D-ring until I finished loosening them after the second D-ring (and that’s including time in the middle to admire my handiwork.)

bdsm collar craft repurposing
I left the center D-ring and O-ring intact — and that’s the way our collar will stay for the foreseeable future.

As for the detached O-rings… I have plans for them.

More on this… soon.

  15 Responses to “breaking up (the collar), part 1”

  1. Breaking up is hard to do … literally? :/

    I loved the sly metal-working reference. I got a slightly silly, hipster-ish thrill.

  2. I laughed at the idea of “transcendent”. No somehow I don’t think dudes do feel that, but it’s okay if we do sometimes when we’ve worked hard to accomplish something a bit unorthodox.


    • Maybe unfortunately, but my goals are often orthodox… it’s my methods that aren’t. :)

      No somehow I don’t think dudes do feel that, but it’s okay if we do sometimes when we’ve worked hard

      Ha! I feel transcendent… IN A MACHO WAY. *makes muscles* *adjusts my junk*

  3. Times like this I’m glad I live with an engineer. Every now and then I attempt to do workshop type stuff on my own and it frequently ends with tears, even after googling “how do I…?”. I tried to drill out the rivets of a collar once as I’d heard my partner refer to doing that. Completely mangled the leather in the process. My partner then removed the other rivet with a pair of pliers in a few deft movements. I don’t think I’d trust myself with bolt cutters.

    But back on topic, I’m interested to see what you do with the collar. I like the idea of transforming it into something else.

    • I don’t think I’d trust myself with bolt cutters.

      And with all of the frustration, celebration, and lamentation related cocktails, I probably shouldn’t have trusted myself with bolt cutters either.

      As degree of drunkeness increases, so does degree of difficulty. :)

  4. I knew it was just “stuff”

    And while Im all agog to read episode 2 , do you think you could give a smidgin less detail about the ironwork and more about the contents of the cocktails

    Best wishes.

  5. once again you’ve left me laughing–you have such a deft hand in writing through your pain. I’m afraid I have NO advice on how to loosen (tighten?) bolt cutters. I had NO idea they were adjustable. (laughing)


    • I had NO idea they were adjustable

      I know, right? Now, if only pain were adjustable, I’d be on top of the world (holding bolt cutters, of course).

      you have such a deft hand in writing through your pain

      Thank you for such a fantastic compliment. Honestly, sitting back and finding the ridiculousness in all of it gets me through… and I’ve always wondered if others might find humor in it too ( my pain, not necessarily theirs… sometimes I laugh at others pain/ridiculousness, but only only out of earshot…) :)

  6. I wouldn’t even have a clue on what to buy or even do to take apart something like this.
    I love how you described your feelings on accomplishing the task, and as ever – appreciate your humor and honesty in not being perfect in your mission.

  7. I don’t know what to say except that this was amazing.

  8. I appreciate the effort you took to personalize the first bolt cutter photo. Brilliant.

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