J’s leaving, and I’m sad as fuck, but there are still a number of relationship crap issues I want to think through. I’ve got a bunch of drafts that need attention — thoughts to finish, opinions to articulate, questions to answer, and (mediocre) advice to give — it’s all stuff I want to get back to when I’m able to step away from my pity-party-of-one for a little while.
But for now, and for the not-so-distant future, there’s going to be some sadness here. It’s a beautiful sadness, and it’s my hope that I can put some of that beauty into words. It’s profound, affecting, and lovely — it’s the sort of melancholy that accompanies the impending loss of a thing that was worth having.
But still, some part of me cringes when I post sad stuff — I don’t want to seem (or be) whiny, I certainly don’t want to bring anyone down, and I’m well-aware this might be the longest ‘breakup’ in the history of breakups…. and that’s tedious.
I imagine long-time readers thinking, “Come on…. you’ve been weepy about the breakup for over a year and it hasn’t even happened yet… get on with it already!”
I get it. Trust me… I’ve had the same thought. I hate myself for this, but in my worst (saddest, angriest, most-self-pitying) moments, I almost wish he’d just leave already so I could go about the business of grieving and moving on with my life.
While I absolutely appreciate the words of support, commiseration, and empathy from readers (I know they’re sincere and they’re appreciated), I’ve found myself avoiding the blog when I know there are a couple of sympathetic comments on my emo posts. It’s a strange sort of discomfort wherein I imagine readers aren’t sure how to respond, and I certainly don’t know how to respond to readers’ responses (that makes sense, right?).
It feels particularly weird because some of the worst feelings — the ones that are heavy and painful enough to write about — are fleeting. It’s exhausting to jump back into that headspace after the moment has passed, and revisiting that stuff certainly doesn’t help me pull out of it.
Anyway, my point in all this is to say that I think I’m going to close comments on most/all of my sad-sack emo ramblings from this point forward. I think closing comments will make me feel more comfortable in posting the sad stuff, and perhaps, it might make readers feel more comfortable reading it… or not reading it. Whatever.
- I’m going to post happy stuff, sad stuff, sexy stuff, and/or silly stuff without regard to narrative coherence, tonal consistency, or adherence to IRL timeline and actual happenings. Hope you can handle the whiplash. :)
- I know this is, like, the longest breakup in the history of breakups. Deal with it. (It’s no fun for me either.) If you don’t want to read the sad stuff, skip it — posts with sad stuff will be tagged “breakup project.” If you think I’m just whiny and want me to get over it, then go fuck yourself with a dehydrated cactus.
- I think I’ll be closing comments on my angsty emo-domme posts to save us all from the awkwardness, redundancy, and the not-knowing how to respond. (Comments on everything else, however, will be open… thoughts, comments, questions, and compliments are still very much appreciated!)