Today’s reader question comes from Wrestling Rita from Tumblrville, Interwebz.
You know you can ask me anything over there, right?
Thanks for the kind words. :)
Sorry to hear that you’re wrestling with yourself over your dominant desires. It won’t make you feel any better, but you’re not alone. You didn’t identify your gender or sexuality, but if you identify as a cisgendered, heterosexual woman, dominance probably isn’t something you’ve been enculturated to embrace — it’s unfamiliar. Hell… if your a cis/het lady, you probably aren’t all that comfortable articulating your desires… or even having them. After all, culture educates us to believe that women are meant to be the objects of desire — our role is to fulfill desires… not to have them.
Anyway, glad to hear you’re acknowledging your dominance and your desires. :)
To answer your question, yes. I have felt guilt and shame (or something like it) over my sexual (and relationship) desires — not necessarily my desires as a dominant, but my desires as a sadist.
In the beginning of my relationship with J, I was only ‘playing’ sadistic (or at least I thought I was?). I was going through the motions — play acting as a “Domme” in order to fulfill my partner’s desires.
I like to think of myself as a person who goes out of her way to not hurt people, particularly people I care about. Because I knew my submissive was a masochist (something he had known about himself long before we met), it was easy enough to rationalize sadism as something I was doing for him.
I didn’t feel much shame or guilt because I wasn’t really a sadist — I wasn’t hurting him because I enjoyed it — I was hurting him because he enjoyed it (…right!?!?).
But somewhere along the line, I had to admit that I was sadistic. My realization wasn’t the product of any mental steps I took to think it through, but instead, it was the product of finally recognizing my physical reactions — my body reacted to hurting him. It turned me on.
It took a bit of mental gymnastics to come to terms with that, but since I was already in a situation where I knew my partner was a masochist, I never felt shame or guilt about it enough to make me hesitate. (I hesitate because I don’t want to hurt him too much, not because I like hurting him too much.) In some ways, it was a relief to realize that I wasn’t (role) playing anymore.
My guilt and shame — the sorts that bother me — aren’t about general desires, my sexuality, or what I want out of sex and love.
My guilt comes after I’ve acted on my desires — after I’ve dominated (hurt, fucked, commanded, consumed) been sadistic with J.
It’s top drop, and I’ve written about it before. My first attempt was articulating what top drop feels like. Two years later, I found myself better able to identify drop, but no better at preventing it or making it go away.