Jul 152014

Dammit. I feel like we’re just hitting our stride in the bedroom.do all the sex things

We’ve been fucking for over three years, but because we’re in a driving distance relationship, we haven’t had the opportunity to fuck as often as other couples. While some relationships hit the ‘boring sex rut’ around this time, we’re just now getting good at fucking. It was always good (we always had the chemistry), but now it’s mind-blowingly good… all the time.

pinball brain on hiatus

In part, it’s because I’m way less in my head than I’ve ever been. J’s leaving, so I don’t have the time or the energy to overthink things. It’s a slight variation on ‘not giving a fuck’… because it’s now or never.

emotional distraction

And while I’m less ‘in my head’ in an overthinky sort of way, I’m not in a great place emotionally. As the clock winds down on our relationship, I’m alternately sad, angry, happy, grateful, pensive, numb, [insert any random emotion here], and as I already (and accidentally) discovered, I’m less inhibited and more likely to orgasm when I’m unhappy or otherwise distracted (or preoccupied by feelings that don’t leave much mental or emotional space for anything else).

Apparently, I’m less inhibited and more likely to orgasm when I’m unhappy…

do all the things

In part, the sex is mind-blowing because I want to do ALL THE SEX THINGS while I still have the opportunity to do them with J. He’s safe, supportive, eager, and game for almost anything. To his immense credit, he’s an excellent sport — he’s been so good about not making me feel silly, and he’s been more-than-willing to try anything and everything on my ‘to do’ list.

To my credit, he seems to be enjoying things. I’m not good at all the sex things, but I know his body and his mind well enough to twist him into knots when I want to. :)

One of the things I’m still not good at is maintaining any sort of ‘domme demeanor’ when I’m nearing orgasm.

In my head, when I fantasize about a dominant woman (me) riding a submissive man’s face (his), I imagine her (me) saying: “you’d better make me come, slut,” or “lap it up, fucktoy,” or “harder… faster… come on bitch… I’m not getting off (your face) until I get off… twice.”

But despite my want, my will, and significant practice, I can’t seem to be verbally demanding (or commanding) when I’m receiving oral sex.

J deserves a medal for not bursting into laughter a few nights ago.

I was physically demanding (I rode his face so fucking hard), but I was the exact opposite of verbally commanding. I was apologetic — all I could say was “I’m sorry… oh god… I’m sorry… oh… oh god… I’m sorry. Oh… I’m hurting you… fuck… I’m sorry… fuuuuck.”

While I couldn’t help but grind on his face as if my life depended on it, I couldn’t stop myself from worrying about the strain I was putting on his neck (a fluttering tongue doesn’t do it for me — I need lots of pressure). Apparently, I was concerned about hurting him enough to apologize for it, but not enough to back off.

He was fine, of course, but he couldn’t tell me in the moment because his mouth was otherwise engaged. ;)

(Good boy.)



  16 Responses to “all the sex things”

  1. My policy is if Hallmark doesn’t have a card for it….I’m not worrying about it.
    Never apologize for rough forced facesitting. :)

    • I wish I could be so brazen, but he’s got battle scars, war wounds, and life injuries that make me nervous for his lovely neck.

      I don’t want to break it. It’s far too pretty. :)

      With that said, you have a point — there is no Hallmark card for rough facesitting. That should mean something, right? ;)

  2. Let’s see. You gave J a chance to please you, AND evidence of concern for his wellbeing, AND entertainment …

    I don’t think he’s the only one who did a good job. :)

    • J is a lovely boy. He’s damn near perfect for me, and we work very well together.

      Fuck… I’m gonna miss that.

      And yes… I gave him dinner, dessert, and a show. :)

  3. Heh. I have (sorta kinda) been there & done that. So, my sympathies! I love verbal humiliation and that porntastic Bitchqueen role play, but I’ve given up trying to put that face on when I’m nearing orgasm/orgasming. I’m lucky if I’m even able to verbalize *anything*…

  4. Lucky J bet he enjoyed every moment. For several moments he forgot about his injuries and enjoyed giving You the pleasure You deserve. Sometimes us men enjoy those moments more then You wonderful Ladies will ever know and hey that’s why we come back
    so enjoy and squish on
    humbly slave sindee

  5. One day a friend who was a CSW said that we assume we know what goes on in other people’s houses. She said, “you look down a street at night, see all the lights coming thru the windows–seems so warm and cozy, but is it?” Her point is that we don’t Really know what other people do in their private lives.

    I don’t know of any study that would show that dominant women do or don’t growl femdom porn styled directions at the moment near orgasm. There’s a lot of peer pressure to conform to ideals of what is dommely. LIke maybe your domme card will be revoked if the board finds out your were apologizing instead of screaming “Harder, you slut”.

    I have heard from many subs that their mistresses often want to lay back and relax, to stop giving directions, do let the sub just pleasure them. Personally, if I have to be a traffic cop during a bedroom sex–I don’t want that experience.. I find it exhausting. A lot of men and women feel the same way on it. “Just please me, please.” is what we say. Period.

    There is a moment of Surrender for EVERYONE who is about to have an orgasm. You aren’t in control, your body has taken over. That’s just a physical fact. You can’t ask your brain to “please send me some dominant feelings.” That’s actually asking for big trouble. Part of the joy and release of orgasms is “letting go”. How are you supposed to be a controlling bitch while you are “letting go?”

    So, that’s that. Let go. Enjoy. It’s so great to hear that these last times with J are full of amazing experiences. Wow. Fantastic. what terrific good news to hear. I loved reading about them.


    • I can’t love this comment hard enough, Raffi. Thank you for it. :)

      Personally, if I have to be a traffic cop during a bedroom sex–I don’t want that experience.. I find it exhausting. A lot of men and women feel the same way on it. “Just please me, please.” is what we say. Period.

      Exactly! Inasmuch as I’d like to separate fantasy from reality, I’ve (too often) made what I’ve seen or read about part of what I aspire to be. Too often, I lose sight of the fact that the goal isn’t necessarily “being a Domme,” but rather, being happy, being pleased, being pleasured.

      Thanks for the reminder. :)

  6. After reading this, I immediately texted my lover that I need to grind my pussy on his face. He not being a compliant boy-type, he opted to text-smirk at me and try to negotiate for something I wasn’t in the mood for.

    At least you, DD, reliably give me pleasure. :)

    • I immediately texted my lover that I need to grind my pussy on his face.

      If you can make it happen, I highly recommend it. ;)

      At least you, DD, reliably give me pleasure. :)

      Ha! Thank you for saying so! :D

  7. Haha, sounds like something I would do. I love how you wrote he couldn’t respond because his mouth was full – made me smile.

  8. Being brand new to this, I’m having nothing but conflicting emotions. My boy, who is on again and off again due to my difficulties dealing with the shame afterwards, or the feeling that if we didn’t have sex, there might be nothing else, is the best lover I have ever experienced and I’ve had some serious experience with vanilla sex. He’s had less sex and is more shy about it and private with all others. In the room he’s all game. He’s mission is always to make me cum and always better than last. His deal is he loves me in control and tells me its ironic that I tell him, I don’t want to be in control, but then I am in every aspect naturally but end up not in the ways he wants, discipline, humiliation, chastity…. i can’t seem to maintain it, even though its an amazing experience with someone you love. So he gets hurt, I get defensive because I’m already blaming myself. I tear into him physically and instead of submitting he stops it. I say, this what you said you wanted. He says because he was out of the zone, because I got out earlier, he wasn’t expected and his urge to stop me after the first blows is instinct, though afterwards he says he wishes Id put him in a sub space or frame of mind as it would have had him submit to the pain and punishment, which is actually rage. He says if I would accept and try it for say a week, where we make rules, like he can’t argue. I have last say and there will be physical punishments that are painful, I may like it, he will get clearer messages about what he does that absently pisses me off and I won’t have to bottle it up, like I do and the rage, will lessen and he predicts love and caring will take its place in the administration of discipline. I simply tell him I don’t think so, why should I have to punish him. to which he replies, he can take it, or learn to take it, and that he generally gets a taste of that and than worse, when I give up and throw him out for a week or two. I also say, I don’t think hitting him is a good thing. He says, you do it every time you lose your temper, why not try making it work for us. He say’s when I lose it and rage, he’s in heaven because he is hypersensitive to my needs and desires, even if its coming home late, not doing dishes occasionally, he says it all builds…..

    I just feel confused and bad, help me. those moments inside the scene are the most cherished, but they seem so wrong.

    • Dear Karen,
      There’s so many questions in your request for help, that it’s not easy to figure out, which ones should come first in reply. So I hope others with be pitching in to add helpful comments.

      Being a new domme is not easy, but everyone had to take their turn at being the newb. I think the first thing I want to address is control. When one is in control of another, it’s equally important to be in control of oneself. Hence, rage doesn’t match well with discipline. When one is angry, the mind is clouded, the judgement suffers. With an implement in hand, this is a time to be in perfect control.

      I personally do not punish my subs physically, just not ever, because they crave that impact play, they love it. What kind of punishment is this.. that they get what they want. Discpline is about correction, it’s not about putting someone in subspace first and then giving them a lovely treat. That’s reward, not correction.

      Secondly, I don’t know what your boy’s past experience is, but there are ways for a more experienced sub to help a new domme, and I am not hearing in your description of his suggestions that he has experience in helping a new domme. We use the phrase “topping from the bottom” to cover this angle of a sub making suggestions that fit what he wants rather than what you need or what would be helpful to you. I think my fellow dommes might have had that same “uh oh” moment in reading your post. That the boy’s helpful suggestions are not too helpful and are sounding like textbook “topping from the bottom” even though that might not be his intention at all.

      Lastly these lessons you learn together take a very long time. Going slowly, reading, talking to other dommes, thinking about what suits you best…it’s a steep learning curve. We’re always learning new things, after decades as dommes. It sounds like you need that–time to think. Time to consider why you are angry, why you want to lash out at him, that’s not a kink thing–that’s in the ballpark of anger management. Using kink as a way to defuse anger on other issues–can’t really back that up as a good plan.

      Wishing you the best and looking forward to more comments on your note.

      one last little ps. if you do make some rules.. set out the consequences. If the dishes aren’t done, then x happens. And X should fit the crime. Like having to take all the clean dishes out of the cupboard and clean the cupboard, cut new shelf paper, etc. Remember that this is the same as kids in discipline. You don’t do time out because a kid didn’t do his homework, you set a time by which homework needs to be done and a reward comes! You can do the same with dishes. Dishes all done? Great. let’s have a little spanking session.

      Cheers, Mistress Raffi

  9. To his credit, he is not suggesting physical punishment as something he enjoys. No one hits this man, and his experience in mind may be greater than mine, so that makes him more creative. He tells me that if I’m to actually perform a punishment that will have a effect, I will need to restrain him in order to properly dole it out. This seems like more work, though he will do all the leg work. but its the whole shame thing, seeing he go thru those motions, I just wanna throw it all out and snuggle naked.

    the times I’ve given him something , nothing close, I could see he didn’t like it and couldn’t stay in place, but there is an overwhelming desire that consumes him and makes me the focal point of his life and he wants nothing but to get me back to happy. , which is another r point. I can’t flip like him. We get in a tiff of words, it goes longer than it should, I get pissed, and he wants to drop it and make up. I fucking pissed and will continue to be pissed.

    I get with what you say about punishing him with something he doesn’t like. Abandonment. I see his point as well. To him, he’d rather have a broken leg or black eye, examples, he never had one. than be abandoned and shut out. I say,, than start behaving. It changes him, and as he senses it arrival, he becomes more cruel and mean as I begin shutting him out. Later he says it all automatic, he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. And he is quick to cool and fast to apologize for things he didn’t feel were appropriate. I don’t apologize most of the time and truth be told the the things I say are twice as mean, and pretty constant and not in a sexual humiliating way.

    So he states there is an ultimate punishment for every kink that crosses the line. The person may fantasize about it but to do it takes it out of the realm of play. For instance, A ultimate cuckold scene would be for a wife to leave here husband behind restrained in a hotel room after having a night of intimacy with her new lover, who she explains she is leaving him for as she leaves him behind for the maids and eventually the cops and who knows as she leaves his life and him in ruins. at that point, it is no longer entertaining, because the threat is gone. the worst is has happened.
    The cuckold enjoys being teased that he’s might just not be enough, and if that were the case, what woman would stay.

    So I one hand he presents this as adventure and play in the bedroom, on the other he states benefits, like a clean house, manicures and pedicures, oral, final say, no arguments, learning my triggers etc..I say, why do I have to ask , why do you just do it.?

    He says, he would loose interest probably, but than comes back with, why can’t I give him what he thinks would keep him focused more attuned and vulnerable to me, while providing him with experiencing emotions he really doesn’t get a chance to.

    I say, its hot in the moments some times, but what woman can live with a husband who she takes care of or is a wuss.

    his rebuttal, it takes a great emotional toll to put himself out there and he’s not even sure what his kinks really are as we never flesh em out with any consistency , with out me freaking out and going back to straight sex as he calls it, when I want it and he wonders for months what I must be thinking of him like after seeing him such scenes or wear panties.

    I admit, for months he’ll attempt to talk about it, explain his thoughts, and I will avoid him, or ask him if we can talk about something besides sex for a change. This isn’t the case, and I didn’t realize I was avoiding texting him while I was work like I had before, or teased him as we made our way home.

    I guess I’m just too Conservative a prude as he calls me when he loses his temper. A prude that loves sex, really really loves to have one night stand type of sex….but its normal sex. Maybe I the one night stuff, which is generally hot and heavy and ruff is a kink I don’t have to worry about being judged the next day about.

    I thrown him out and not had any contact with him for as long as 90 days, at least a half dozen times in our year long relationship. I got an RO against him, yet the typical shut out, is 2weeks. I really feel I m done and not going back, plus he could go to jail.

    He’s respectful, though I know it hurts him dearly.. Then after a few dates, once even after just doing a guy, I call him from the mans lobby and had him come pick me up on bike at 1am,with just fucked hair. I didn’t tell him , but being quite naive, he figured I’d be true to him for 2 weeks with all the hateful things I said as I cast him out of life last time. No apology, and he came.for some reason he suddenly stuck his hand up my skirt to see if I was wearing panties I wasn’t and I was very lubricated. I felt bad and made a quick defense, which I found out later, he didn’t hear, but he said the tone of my voice instantly wiped the smile from his face due to the fact he thought I had another boring or bad date and called him and was get wet for him on the way to my house.

    He took care of boots and socks, he layed on top of the covers I got naked and under, but didn’t want to have sex. he didn’t push, he was obviously dealing with it maybe even hoping it was another fantasy.I drifted to sleep until he was nearing the breaking point.

    He wanted to know why, i would stay up till 12 on a work night for a stranger, but not him and why i didn’t want to have sex or even masturbate or be intimate with him but no problem with a stranger…. I felt bad, and we evertally had a very tired but hot as hell sex that became almost a week till , i just started freaking out as it seemed it was all he wanted.

    He says when sex is good why would you want it what is wrong with that, we did it for the first 6 months of our relationship

    I don’ t know.

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