Jun 212014
 

I discovered he visited a friend when he could have spent time with me.

I reminded him what he agreed to long ago — all of his free time belongs to me. If he has the time to travel to see a friend, he has time to travel and see me.

At first, he tried to explain that his friend is just like family, but then backtracked and apologized. He suggested maybe he subconsciously neglected to mention his availability, forgot to offer his time to me first, didn’t want to ask if he could spend time with a friend… because he thought I might say “no.”

I laughed, thinking he was kidding.

“Do you honestly think I would have said ‘no’?”

I didn’t expect his response — he said he wasn’t sure.

I was stunned, but I know myself well enough to know that if pay too close attention to any little thing, it gets bigger and I run the risk of ruining what would have been a pleasant evening. So, I let it go.

But sometimes I wonder… doesn’t he know me by now?


thumbnail image: “Watch Time Passing by jrperes, (2014). Work released into the Public Domain, licensed under Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0).

  18 Responses to “free time”

  1. If I were to wax philosophical, I might say, “Does anyone really know anyone else?’

    If a therapy client came to me with this same question, I would tell her that his doubt has nothing to do with her; it’s his issue. Then I would explore with her how his doubt made her feel and what she would like to do about those feelings. Since a therapist is not supposed to ‘diagnose’ anyone who is not in the room (not that it stops many therapists), I wouldn’t tell her that he may have unresolved attachment issues.

    If I were looking at this from a spiritual growth perspective, I would explore with him what it is he perceives about you that made him think you might not grant permission. My spiritual beliefs say that we are each 100% responsible for how we are perceived in the world.

    Me personally? I was married for 21 years and, even after leaving the marriage, I’m STILL scratching my head trying to figure out if I ever really KNEW my ex.

    • “Does anyone really know anyone else?’

      No, not completely — not in the all-encompassing every-little-thing kind of way. It’s not possible, and besides that, people are always changing.

      But in some ways, absolutely — you can know certain aspects of a person. I expect the person I’m with to know things about me — fundamental, important things. Otherwise, if they don’t know me, then who do they think they’re with?

  2. I have this same problem with my boy. He gets in trouble for things because he lies or omits because he’s worried about me saying no, or he getting in trouble. The part that always blows my mind is the things are no big deal to me- IF he had asked. Then I hate having to get upset about something that seems so silly to me.

    • Then I hate having to get upset about something that seems so silly to me.

      Heh. I guess I’m lucky in that regard — we won’t be together that much longer, so it’s not worth even talking about (if I can just manage to keep my mouth shut… I’m about 50/50 lately).

  3. Well, I see your point, but perhaps by having the rule that “all his free time belongs to you”, it seems too black and white to him. Perhaps, in a situation like this, that makes him feel like there is uncertainty, however small, that you would nix his visit with a friend.

    Perhaps, his need to see the friend was too great to risk it on this uncertainty?

    I think we sub missives can feel like things are very black and white, not because of our dominant, but because we need to do that mentally in order to be able to resist going against the “rules”.

    Regards

    • “all his free time belongs to you”, it seems too black and white to him. Perhaps, in a situation like this, that makes him feel like there is uncertainty, however small, that you would nix his visit with a friend.

      It is black and white… but what you might not know (not sure how long you’ve been reading?) is that while his free time belongs to me, that doesn’t mean I’ll take it.

      I expect him to offer it to me when he has it, and I make a judgment call about what he should do with it. More often than not, I’ve thanked him for remembering our rules and encouraged him to spend his time elsewhere.

      The rule is clear, and we’ve both felt comfortable with it (or so I thought) because I’ve proven that when it’s truly important, I put his needs/wants above my own.

      Thanks for the comment, Greg.

      • Thanks, for clarifying. I think my point is the same, however, the rule is black & white, you decide. Exactly what he wants, right?

        But that also means that he cannot be sure he gets to see his friend. True, he knows you and you are laid back, but there is still a chance. And, since you two are going to stop seeing each other when he moves, then he may even think (subconsciously) that the chance is even greater than it may have been before he had decided to leave.

        I get that in your mind, he has nothing to worry about and should have offered his time to you. I agree with that.

        I am simply offering a possible window into his mind, to foster understanding. I may well be wrong. But we subs have to do a lot to give up autonomy, and it may not feel so good if we think it is a “sort of most of the time” type feeling, so we (internally) make sure it feels totally rigid and there is no way out.

        But that then raises the real possibility that he might not get to see his friend. Perfectly OK, that is why he signed up, eh?

        But the human mind is not always so willing to do what is right, when other factors come into play. It is hard to always, forever keep a promise. That doesn’t mean it is right to break a promise, but sometimes you can understand why. If, of course, my speculation about it is right, which it may well not be.

        Best

        • he cannot be sure he gets to see his friend. [. . .] since you two are going to stop seeing each other when he moves, then he may even think (subconsciously) that the chance is even greater than it may have been before he had decided to leave.

          You’re right on this. It makes sense.

          I am simply offering a possible window into his mind, to foster understanding. I may well be wrong. But we subs have to do a lot to give up autonomy, and it may not feel so good if we think it is a “sort of most of the time” type feeling, so we (internally) make sure it feels totally rigid and there is no way out.

          This makes some sense to me — thank you for your perspective, Greg. It helps. :)

  4. Maybe he’s backing down from his terms of submission to you. Trouble!

    • Well aren’t you delightful?

      Thanks for your thoughts on this. Also, fuck off.

    • Alternatively maybe he didn’t ask because he was actually using that time with another new domme he’s going to form a relationship with?

      He is packing up and leaving after all, best to make sure he has a job, a place to live and (possibly/probably?) a new person to serve/fuck. No point in not planning for the future since you won’t be a real part of his life any more.

      • Agree with Bob.
        I think he should move on to someone normal or a domme who isn’t dogged about how he spends his time. I think he knows what he’s doing anyway. Glad he saw his friend, but I also agree that he shouldn’t have lied about it. Then again, probably he’s casing the joint, seeing prospects, and with good reason.Good luck to him.

        • I think he should move on to someone normal or a domme who isn’t dogged about how he spends his time.

          When I say ‘his free time belongs to me,’ I’m not talking about watching a movie on a weeknight, a few hours playing video games, or a night out with friends. He does that stuff all the time (and no, he doesn’t have to ask… he’s a grown ass man).

          J lives a few hours away from me — ‘his free time’ means a weekend (or a holiday from work) where he has no scheduled obligations and could spend the weekend with me. If he has no scheduled work, art, family, or organization events during the weekend, then he should offer the weekend to me first… literally, that means weekends when he has nothing else to do.

          For the record, for us, that’s two weekends a month if we’re lucky. There have been months when I haven’t seen him at all (because of his other obligations or mine).

          So, fuck your “dogged about how he spends his time.”

          Then again, probably he’s casing the joint, seeing prospects, and with good reason.

          The “joint” is across the country — so unless he has some sort of teleportation technology I’m unaware of… also, and more importantly, he’s not an asshole… so there’s that.

      • @Bob Smith

        Alternatively maybe he didn’t ask because he was actually using that time with another new domme he’s going to form a relationship with?

        Or, maybe he didn’t ask because he was hosting an Ann Coulter Fan Club meeting, or smuggling drugs from Cuba, or living a secret second life as the prized pop-and-locker on a dance crew

        … or I could trust him (which I do, but I don’t need to… seeing as how his buddy posted Facebook pics of them together… unless it’s all an elaborate ruse… [cue dramatic gopher])

        a new person to serve/fuck. No point in not planning for the future since you won’t be a real part of his life any more.

        Dude… he’s a normal person. Like normal people, he’s arranging for a new place to live, transportation, moving his stuff from here to there, getting a new driver’s license, setting up cable and internet… to the best of my knowledge, he isn’t setting up a new girlfriend just yet (it’s not quite as easy as calling the company and having them send one over).

  5. I have had this issue before with submissives. And really, I am also one who is not going to deny my submissive (who is someone I care deeply for, otherwise I wouldn’t bother to have a D/s relationship with him) time with friends/family unless there is a VERY good reason… like said friends/family are causing harm to him. It boggles the mind when it happens. First, it damages my trust in his submission to me because he’s broken an agreement that we have. And in all the cases, the reason wasn’t “I forgot,” or “I didn’t have a clear understanding of the rule.” It was always, “I knew it went against what I agreed to but I did it anyhow.” Second, it damages my trust that he’s actually paying attention. Because surely if he had been paying attention, he would have ample evidence that I’m a reasonable human who isn’t going to deny him other human contact just because I *can*.
    /rant

    • It was always, “I knew it went against what I agreed to but I did it anyhow.” Second, it damages my trust that he’s actually paying attention. Because surely if he had been paying attention, he would have ample evidence that I’m a reasonable human who isn’t going to deny him other human contact just because I *can*.

      Exactly. (Sadly.) On more than one occasion, he’s told me about opportunities with his friends, and on all but one of those occasions, I’ve encouraged him to spend time with friends. (The one single occasion where I told him to spend time with me was an event he could have gone to with acquaintances… not close or old friends).

      I haven’t given him any reason to treat me like someone who wouldn’t act in his best interests, so it hurts a bit when he does just that.

  6. There is something ironic about being surprised that someone thought you might surprise them. You expect J to know that you will give him permission to visit friends … might he expect you to understand his uncertainty? Seems that “Doesn’t he know me?” could as easily be “Don’t I know him?”

    In any case, I’ve been very impressed as a random blog reader by how well you and J do in fact seem to know and be able to anticipate each other. You also both seem to know yourselves very well, which can be even harder!

    Feeling misunderstood has always been a giant turn off for me in relationships. In fact, I would rank it as the number one reason I break things off with men – this disappointed, helpless feeling that the ‘me’ he likes is not all of me, not enough of me; it makes me feel smaller and as if I’m being forced to play a part I don’t want to.

    • There is something ironic about being surprised that someone thought you might surprise them.

      Ha! I’m not even sure I can unpack that… :)

      might he expect you to understand his uncertainty?

      I can’t imagine why… I’ve never given him reason to be uncertain about something like that.

      Seems that “Doesn’t he know me?” could as easily be “Don’t I know him?”

      I hate that you’re right, but you are.

      Feeling misunderstood has always been a giant turn off for me in relationships. In fact, I would rank it as the number one reason I break things off with men – this disappointed, helpless feeling that the ‘me’ he likes is not all of me, not enough of me; it makes me feel smaller and as if I’m being forced to play a part I don’t want to.

      Ugh! Yes to this — I hate it, but it’s a huge turn off for me too. Glad I’m not the only one. :)

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