May 272014

In the past few months, J has been traveling and attending to all the stuff involved in preparation for a major life change. There were several instances when he was out of contact for days.

I’m absolutely okay with that. I don’t need constant attention, and I don’t need daily check-ins to be reassured I’m on his mind. That sort of perfunctory contact comes less from affection than obligation, and I prefer the former to the latter. I don’t want to be something he has to check off his to-do list, and I certainly don’t want him on mine. He’s my joy, not my burden, and even when we’re out of contact, he’s never far from my mind.

definition of saudadeWhile my affection for him doesn’t wane, my obsession[1] does. When we’re out of sync, my want for physical, sexual connection isn’t urgent. The feelings of dominant, physical possessiveness and the desperation to enact those feelings with heavy bondage, hurty implements, and rough sex take a back seat to plain old vanilla longing. I miss him intensely, and that feeling eclipses all others.

He isn’t like me in that regard. His obsession kicks into overdrive when we’re apart, particularly in the days leading up to reunion.

When we finally get in the same room together, he’s needy, fragile, and so-fucking-horny. To me, it feels like the sort of bedroom-fantasy submission that’s more about general itch-scratching than submission. It seems more focused on his needs than on mine.[2]

For the record, I’d love to be the sort of sexy dominant that strips him naked within seconds of his arrival and drags him into the bedroom, but I’m just not wired that way. I can’t jump right into play and (wo)man handle him without reconnecting first, without feeling the closeness and familiarity that turn me into the pushy, possessive dominant who rips his clothes off and wants to use him for all the things.

My primary motivation has never been ‘I’m dominant’; it’s always been ‘I want J.’ More specifically, I want to possess J — I want him to be my cherished plaything, my beautiful boy. I want to use him and take care of him, to hurt him and to love him. It’s about wanting him so much I can’t see straight, and about having him in all the ways it’s possible to have him. It’s not about dominating; it’s about dominating him. (I’m sure there are plenty of men I could “dominate,” but I’m selective about my partners — I don’t want just any submissive that comes down the line.)

For that reason, I need to feel like he’s mine again before I’m comfortable taking what I want from him. After we’ve been apart and out of contact, I need a little time to recognize his scent, to remember what he feels like, and to identify him as my own.

For whatever reason, he doesn’t need that same time to physically submit. He’s more than ready — he’s eager, desperate, and vocal.

But because I’m not already (or immediately) in a complimentary head space, I don’t respond well to his ‘enthusiasm.’ It comes off as pushy, selfish, and demanding, as general horniness that has little to do with me. All of it puts me in a foul mood. Unfortunately, I’ve not been forthcoming in my response, nor proactive about handling in some constructive way. Instead, I try to ignore it and carry on with our conversation (or whatever it is we’re doing), but it’s hard to do anything when the person you’re with clearly wants to be doing something else. When it’s too much for me, my response is usually one of the following:

  1. I take his lead and jump into play begrudgingly[3]
    — acting the part and waiting for my head and heart to catch up.
  2. I shut down because my feelings are hurt, because I’m not sure how to respond, and because I resent having to respond at all.
  3. I call him out on his behavior, but not in any productive way — I’ve told him what he shouldn’t do without any indication of what he should do.

Of course, none of these are particularly effective ways to handle the situation, and neither one of us has done much to keep it from happening.


In advance of our time together this past weekend, J emailed to confirm our plans… and I didn’t like the details he included. Not only did he tell me to expect the impatient behaviors I find annoying, he also acknowledged that similar behaviors got him into trouble the last time we were together. In other words, I read him as saying: Remember that thing I did last weekend that upset you? Just giving you a heads up that I’m probably going to do something similar again this weekend.

(email from J)


Regarding the weekend, I can get off work early on Friday and be there at 5.

Would you prefer to go out for dinner? Or should I get something to eat on the road so I can be naked and at your disposal as soon as I arrive? If you prefer to have me naked, can I just apologize in advance for any/all needy pouting and consistent desire to press myself into you. If you prefer to go out, I can probably pull off at least an hour of conversation before I drift into really stupid-with-want territory.

I would be happy to end this note with begging if you like, but I am not yet sure what you prefer. And after my last bout of being a pushy jerk, I am painfully self conscious about begging or asking for anything unless you indicate it is welcomed.

Oh, and I miss you. Jesus fuck…so, achy and weak right now it’s not funny.

(my response)


No. You may not apologize in advance for “for any/all needy pouting” because you will take my lead without pushing, whining, or otherwise making me think you’re anything less than content with what you’re given… even if the only thing you’re given is my company and conversation.

If and/or when your needy pouting is permitted, I’ll let you know. When I want you to drift off into “stupid-with-want,” you’ll know it.

I want all of it, and I’ll have it, but it will be on my schedule. Not yours.

Of course, you can whine and pout all you want now because you’re not on my time. In fact, I like the idea of you getting progressively more stupid with want in the next 48 hours or so… it will be that much more impressive when you get it under control on my time, and I’m looking forward to all of it.

(Also, I want to see you’ve been hurting for me, so if you’ve been neglectful, I suggest you catch up.)

I wanted it to come off as a little suggestive rather than cold and reprimanding (because that’s not how I like to go into the weekend), but not flippant or overly playful (because I was dead serious). His response made me nervous that I didn’t quite achieve that balance. While he promised to be “well-mannered and as sweet and compliant as I can possibly manage,” he indicated he was turned on by my note, and he ended with what seemed like an advance excuse for poor behavior: “by the time I see you, my level of distracted, needy, want is likely to make me say really REALLY dumb things, emphatically no less…”

My concern was justified, but thankfully, it was unnecessary.

J was a very good boy — he tamped down his expectations for immediate-play and managed his neediness. He was patient, he took my lead, and he gave me the time and space to adjust.

After he arrived, we enjoyed great conversation[4]
over unhurried meal preparation, drinks, and dinner. By the time we finished dessert, I was DYING to get him out of his clothes… and good god, did I enjoy him when I did.

For the rest of the evening (into the wee hours of the morning), he was lovely. He didn’t whine or beg or make suggestions, and he even valiantly (but futilely) attempted to hide his desperate, needy expressions. Not once did I feel pressured, nor did I feel guilty that he wasn’t getting what he wanted. I didn’t think about that much at all, really.

He gave me space to take what I wanted, and I did. I took the time to adjust to him being back in my airspace, and then I took him to bed and had my way with him.

The best part is, for once, I wasn’t stuck in my head.

Seriously. Read that again — I WASN’T STUCK IN MY HEAD.

And that was fucking phenomenal.


The takeaways here: 1) I need to be proactive, rather than reactive 2) I need to tell him what to do or how to act rather than telling him how or what to feel, 3) if he really wants me to take the lead, he should give me the time and space to do that (even if where I take us isn’t where he wanted to go), and 4) when I take the lead, we usually end up somewhere that makes us both happy.

[1] We’ve sort of adopted “obsession” as our preferred term to mean the desperate, hungry, borderline unhealthy preoccupation with sex and play (and each other) we sometimes fall into. “Horny” is too unspecific and feels like a reduction of a lot of separate (but related) wants, but perhaps I’m over romanticizing it. [back]
[2] I’m all in favor of both of us having our needs met, but if he pushes me to meet them before I’m ready, there’s a chance both of us will be unfulfilled. [back]
[3] Honestly, I really want to be “on” and in the headspace all the time — not just the dominant headspace, but the sexy, hot, commanding, take-control dominant headspace. [back]
[4] I contend that J is largely to blame for my not using more of our time together for play — he’s smart, interesting, charming, and an excellent conversationalist — I deeply enjoy his company and our conversations. Too bad for him that he’s more than a pretty face and a great body. [back]

  8 Responses to “want me to be dominant? let me take the lead”

  1. Really interesting to read. I definitely understand the initial tension, even if I’ve only experienced it from the submissive point of view. It is intensely difficult to control my desire when I’m with my Daddy in particular. And when I’m very horny, there’s always, in me, this slight fear that if I’m not proactive, I may leave disappointed. But it is so much better to let things happen his way… and reading this post, I was so pleased for you both that the outcome was so wonderful.

    • And when I’m very horny, there’s always, in me, this slight fear that if I’m not proactive, I may leave disappointed.

      But is there also the fear that if you are proactive, you might annoy him a bit?

      Interesting, too, that proactive could take a variety of different forms — it could mean asking directly, or it could mean less direct indications (like whining, allowing oneself to be distracted, etc.). Now that I’m thinking about it more, I don’t mind proactive in this particular situation… just as long as it’s direct (and as long as my answer is accepted). I’d much prefer my partner ask to get into bed right away than be passive aggressive about it (though to be fair, I’m sure some urges and indications of such urges are harder to tamp down and conceal than others).

      But it is so much better to let things happen his way

      I hope so. :) I’m almost always unsure of the difference between want, need, and need-but-I-can-wait. Certainly, I don’t want to be dismissive if there’s something he really needs from me, but if that’s the case, he’s going to have to be blunt and we’re both going to have to be more careful about our language.

      Does “I need you” mean he’s on the edge and about to fall apart in a bad way? Or does it mean his cock is hard? (And unfortunately for me, those two things are not mutually exclusive.)

      This whole dominant stuff is really hard work. :)

  2. Your response is one of the best examples of clear communication I’ve seen. Focused on specific behavior, firm and clear about expectations, and still very much affectionate. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’d love to see my partners articulate their needs so well. Do you give lessons? ;)

    Cheers for finding a way to not be stuck in your own head. Cheers of the “hell, yeah! High five!” sort.

    • best examples of clear communication I’ve seen.

      Ha! And it only took me three and a half years to get it right. :)

      Do you give lessons? ;)

      Depends… do you have pie? :)

  3. I can relate to this so much. Not that my boy is away, but he is all male with that need for immediate satisfaction. That we’re married also means he buys into, a little, the expectation of conjugal rights and yeah, we get into butting heads over his carnal desire verses his want for domination.

    I’m going to stop doing the female thing of putting up and shutting up. I’m going to lay down the rules exactly as you have here, and be more proactive. I’m certainly glad that I’m not the only one who can manage to be both passive *and* dominant!

    • we get into butting heads over his carnal desire verses his want for domination.

      Luckily, I think for most couples in similar situations, there’s a way for both partners to get what they want… it just might mean the sub has to be a little more patient in the process.

      I’m going to stop doing the female thing of putting up and shutting up. I’m going to lay down the rules exactly as you have here, and be more proactive. I’m certainly glad that I’m not the only one who can manage to be both passive *and* dominant!

      Being proactive does help, but it gets tedious when they don’t seem to “get the hint” after articulating the same thing over and over. I keep thinking that at some point, he’ll catch on that this is the way I’m wired (after saying it, proving it, and giving positive reinforcement when he respects it), but perhaps not. I guess I’m okay with having to repeat myself… if I must. :)

  4. Exactly! I had to recently address the same issue. My boy and I are not together as often as we would like, and he was also an over-eager, annoying Looney Tunes wolf, drooling and running in circles when we finally met. I had to make it a hard rule that when we get together the absolute first thing he needs to do is hold me, kiss me and tell me how much he missed me. And he has to convince me that he means it. :) I just need to know that he yearns for & misses ME, not just my dominance.

    • annoying Looney Tunes wolf, drooling and running in circles when we finally met

      Ha! That’s an absolutely perfect image!

      the absolute first thing he needs to do is hold me, kiss me and tell me how much he missed me.

      I think my problem thus far has been that I’m not specific enough. If I had outlined such procedures, he would have easily followed them. I’ve always hesitated to do so, though, because then I can’t seem to think of his actions as anything other than disingenuous… a step in the process which ends with him naked and bent over the furniture. Meh… my own head is my worst enemy sometimes.

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