May 192014
 

At this point in time, J has known about the blog for longer than he didn’t know about the blog. I wrote in secret for 15 months before J stumbled on my writing (that was about a year and a half ago).

great works of art next to heartfelt childrens' craftsWhile I was content to keep my writing secret, some part of me hoped J might find it because it shows off some of what I like most about myself — thoughtfulness, curiosity, humor, and (sometimes) facility with language. I wanted him to see those things in me, not only because I value them, but because he does too.

If I’m honest, my biggest fear about him stumbling on the blog wasn’t his potential anger or hurt feelings. It was his assessment of my writing and the treatment of its subjects — I was afraid he might find it inarticulate, immature, careless, or shallow.

I always figured it would be one of two extremes — he’d think it was brilliant or he’d think it was awful. Perhaps I assumed it would be one or the other because that’s the way I think about myself.

After it was all out in the open, we talked about it. For the most part, he was fine with what I had written and he understood why I had kept it from him. In the days that followed, I was relieved to learn he didn’t think it was awful (that’s not a reaction he would have been able to hide from me… even if he wanted to). In the weeks and months after that, I waited for some indication of the opposite — something that might show he was impressed, or moved, or flattered, or… something.

But he wasn’t. Not really. Not as much as I wanted him to be. That’s okay — it’s just not what I expected.

 

unpublished draft, last dated March 8, 2013

March 8, 2013

I guess tonight confirmed what I suspected.

J is apathetic about the blog. He’s glad I have an outlet and flattered to be a subject, but beyond that, he’s indifferent.

I thought he might be upset about what I’ve written or freaked out by the attention I’ve paid him, but I also thought he might see it as I do (in part) — as a more-than-year-long love letter to… whatever this thing is.

Regardless, I thought he’d have more of a response to my writing about him (to him, and at him) for over a year. He doesn’t. He’s not upset, he’s not impressed, he’s not really anything at all.

I guess that makes me ineffective? Being effective was never my intention, but it was a tiny expectation. Indifference wasn’t one of the possibilities I considered.

Does it matter? No. But still… I expected some sort of reaction.


The Starry Night, Van Gogh. (1889) Museum of Modern Art: online database entry 79802. This work is in the public domain in the United States, and those countries with a copyright term of life of the author plus 100 years or less.
“Finger Painting by G’tums (age 4)” by prayingmother (2010). Creative Commons License Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0).
“Hall Sapphire and Diamond Necklace,” Harry Winston, Inc. Donated 1979. Museum of Natural History, Smithsonian Institution, Image Number: 97-35728 Catalog Number: G8044, and Smithsonian Gem Gallery. Image is in the public domain.
“Barvené těstovinové korálky,” by Štěpánka Kuchynková. Image licensed under Creative Commons (according to Google) for use, sharing, and modification for non-commercial projects.
“David von Michelangelo,” photo by Rico Heil. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-SA 3.0)
“Play dough,” by Nevit Dilmen (2006). Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-SA 3.0)

  15 Responses to “narcissism, insecurity, and indifference”

  1. I can sort of see the non-reaction, considering that he was there for the emotional and/or hot moments. I’m still surprised, but I can kind of understand it.

    • I can sort of see the non-reaction, considering that he was there for the emotional and/or hot moments. I’m still surprised, but I can kind of understand it.

      I guess so. I find the longer I’m here, the more I think of this thing as part “scrapbook” — or a journal of some of the more notable developments (the high points and the low ones) in our relationship. If someone kept a thing like this for me (about me? in parts), I think I would have had more of a reaction.

      Of course, one of the things I struggle with is expecting people to react just like I do. Still struggling with that, apparently…

  2. TN has only known since January, but beyond being the subject of a semi-regular meme called TN Tuesday (wherein I post a picture of him and he eagerly awaits feedback from readers), HE GIVES NO FUCKS.

    Like J he’s flattered, glad I have an outlet, but will never and has never read anything I’ve written. He can’t even pretend to remember my pseudonym or the blog name itself.

    I have very mixed emotions about this, not unlike yours, though I don’t feel ineffective, I feel strangely rejected (??). And confused. And maybe used. I don’t know…

    It’d be nice to know he thought you were brilliant, wouldn’t it?

    But let me just say this: despite J’s apathy, know you have been deeply impactful on others, myself included. You’ve helped inform the ways in which I’ve approached my own orientation and expectations. I think you’re bloody brilliant. xx Hy

    • I didn’t realize this AT ALL. In fact, I assumed you had an entirely different experience.

      What made me revisit my year-old thoughts about J’s non-reaction was TN’s increased presence on your blog. I saw the photos of you two together, your “houseboy” post, and I assumed he was involved (not involved-involved, but a little involved, or maybe interested is a better word?).

      Anyway, initially, I was going to mention you in the post — how seeing his recent presence (what I read as involvement with your writing) made me a bit jealous that J wasn’t more interested in or appreciative of mine. At some point, I realized a direct admission of my jealousy would reveal my immaturity… so I didn’t mention it.

      I guess I’m mentioning it now. *weak smile* I was jealous, and my mistaken assumptions about TN’s reaction are what drove me to find my old draft and work out my thoughts.

      With that said, I’m not happy to learn I was mistaken.

      It’d be nice to know he thought you were brilliant, wouldn’t it?

      Yeah, it would be nice. I mean, I know he appreciates my intelligence — he certainly doesn’t think I’m dumb — but it’s almost worse that it’s just not that big of a deal to him. I take a fuck ton of pride in being thoughtful and smart, and I’m very proud of my writing and the work it takes to make it what it is (too much work — if you knew how much, you’d think I was crazy!). The notion that something I’m deeply proud of isn’t all that important to him is a bit deflating.

      Urgh… I know J reads here sometimes, so I want to be clear that he values things I value, and he’s not totally disinterested, but he just never seemed impressed — there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just you know… deflating.

    • feel strangely rejected (??). And confused. And maybe used. I don’t know…

      I understand the feeling of rejection, but not used. Is it because he’s interested in feedback on the photos you post of him (but nothing else)?

      I’m curious. Feel free to ignore me if you don’t want to respond. :)

  3. The best I can figure out (having occasionally shared my blog with D and gotten zero reaction, except on a post about my difficult in reaching orgasm) is that it’s not his thing, not his way of expressing himself, and therefore, not of interest.

    We anonymous bloggers are a unique breed, putting our thoughts and emotions out in a public forum because we want and need validation. While I’ve been told by some it’s an incredibly brave thing to do, I’ve also been told by others (from my vanilla life – good friends) that it’s an incredibly stupid thing to do. To each his own.

    Your title says it all. ‘Insecurities’ are us.

    • is that it’s not his thing, not his way of expressing himself, and therefore, not of interest.

      This is so puzzling to me. I don’t doubt that what you infer about D is true of many people, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. If my loved one expressed her or himself through gardening, abstract painting, music, or fiber craft, I’d be interested in some way, even if I wasn’t a fan of plants, paints, music, or yarn. (At least I think I would be?)

      While I’ve been told by some it’s an incredibly brave thing to do, I’ve also been told by others (from my vanilla life – good friends) that it’s an incredibly stupid thing to do. To each his own.

      Well, fortunately (or unfortunately?) it’s not an either/or thing. I think it’s both brave and stupid — just because it’s one thing doesn’t mean it’s not also the other thing too. :)

  4. Indifference can feel very painful. Worse than many other reactions.

    But if you are surprised by his indifference, maybe he really is reacting, just not in a way that is easily apparent? Maybe it is a more inchoate or incoherent reaction or one that varies a lot depending on content, and for that reason leads him to bury his interest. He may want to avoid questioning or kicking the tires on your perspective on the events. Or maybe it is just the forum or the sharing you with others that is harder for him to enjoy, rather than the great quality with which you are capturing your journey?

    It’d be pretty hard to be indifferent to what you write. I’m betting he’s not, and he’s thinks he’s helping by not reacting. Just a guy hunch. :)

    • Thanks for this, DC. You’re absolutely right that any or all of those things could be factors.

      I just wish I wasn’t such a narcissist that sometimes his reactions (whatever they may be) don’t give me whatever praise or validation I want. It isn’t often, but it happens from time to time.

      It’d be pretty hard to be indifferent to what you write. I’m betting he’s not, and he’s thinks he’s helping by not reacting.

      This is absolutely true! It might not even be an issue of him thinking he’s helping — since I’m not entirely sure what his individual reactions might be, he may, in fact, be helping. I don’t dismiss that, and in part, I think that’s what tempers a lot of my arms-folded-across-my-chest ‘harumphing.’ :)

  5. I had sort of the opposite reaction happen. I started to blog on another blog years ago, told him fairly early on, half expecting him to hate it and make me delete it. And he loved it and thought I was brilliant. He was kind of Daddyish about it, just really proud of me. I don’t think I am “brilliant”, I would say I’m eclectic but he thinks my writing is amazing.

    Which all sounds like I’m bragging – so “insecurities are us” is about right for me too.

    Fury

    • And he loved it and thought I was brilliant. He was kind of Daddyish about it, just really proud of me. I don’t think I am “brilliant”, I would say I’m eclectic but he thinks my writing is amazing.

      That’s lovely! That doesn’t sound like bragging to me, it sounds like taking pride in what you do and enjoying the fact that others value it. :)

      As for insecurities, yes, we’ve all got them. It’s common — I just hope it isn’t chronic. :)

  6. “If my loved one expressed her or himself through gardening, abstract painting, music, or fiber craft, I’d be interested in some way”

    Hahaha.. you might be surprised. Mine never notices changes in my garden unless i specifically point them out. Then I get the obligatory, “Oh those are nice” comment and that’s it.

    My boy is pretty meh about my writings as well. Blogs and internet chatting are just not his cup of tea. I know he’s read most everything I post, but I almost never get a comment unless I make a comment first (and I live with the guy). He likes the hot stories of our play times, but for the most part could care less.

  7. In my opinion, what matters the most is the enjoyment and pleasure you are getting from the writing as sort of wild escape which you may share with him.
    Seeking astonishment my lead to disappointment sometimes

  8. A lot of submissive guys tolerate what can’t be helped for the sake of everything else. But you seem from the pages I’ve read like a well-intentioned sort, and your explanation of how blogging about him developed ( http://dumbdomme.com/2012/11/not-so-secret-anymore.html ) sounds fair so maybe there was no disappointment in knowing that many intimacies weren’t as intimate as might have once been hoped (if he cares about such things). Or that they might have come second in importance to a search for validation among strangers. On the other hand like DC says sometimes guys just have a “if it’s not broken, don’t mess with it” attitude.

    Hyacinth’s comment about TN is also interesting. Which is using which? And if it’s symbiotic, is that bad?

    • A lot of submissive guys tolerate what can’t be helped for the sake of everything else

      Correction: ‘A lot of people tolerate what can’t be helped for the sake of everything else.’ I imagine most people in relationships do this — work on what can be changed and let go of what can’t.

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