Apr 182014
 

I’m so fucking sick of this “domestic servitude” bullshit… because it’s bullshit.*

poster of domestic serviceIn a heterosexual, vanilla relationship where both partners take on traditional gender roles, the woman does the bulk of the household chores to make the home functional, clean, and organized. When she does this kind of work, it’s called “doing chores,” or “housework.” Sometimes it isn’t called anything at all because it’s invisible labor — it’s stuff that gets done despite the fact that there’s no remuneration, no deadlines, and no real payoff. She gets shit done because shit needs doing.

In a heterosexual, kinky relationship where the woman is the dominant partner, when the submissive male does the chores, it’s called “domestic service.” The male sub does “domestic service” to make his “queen” happy, to elicit her praise, and to earn rewards. He gets shit done because he’s being a “good submissive” — but really, he does it because it turns him on, because it’s part of his fantasies, and because he expects sexy payoffs in return.

I’ve been in a couple of live-in, vanilla, heterosexual relationships where my male partner and I assumed “traditional gender roles.” But for the life of me, I can’t remember one single time that I washed the windows to make my boyfriend smile — I washed windows because they were fucking filthy. I never folded socks and expected praise — I did laundry because neither of us enjoyed wearing stinky socks. Not once did I scrub the toilet in the hopes he would reward me with a vigorous fingerbang.

I never did chores to be subservient to my partners, I did them because they needed done and because that’s the way we decided to split the labor.

To my partners’ credit(s), not once did any of my boyfriends ever change the oil in my car and expect an enthusiastic handy afterwards. I can’t recall a boyfriend ever balancing my checkbook hoping for a blowjob. I don’t think any of the men I’ve lived with took out the trash to make me smile.

They never did their chores because they were subservient, or because they wanted to be subservient — they did stuff because stuff needed done and that was the way we divided the labor.

So let’s be clear here, male subs. In most cases, “domestic service” isn’t about “serving her.” It’s about you. It’s not about getting shit done, making her happy, or “worshiping” her. It’s about what turns you on and what makes you feel subby. It’s about fitting both you and your wife or girlfriend into roles you decided on. It’s about you expecting “domination” in exchange for “domestic servitude.”

And it fucking sucks.

For the record, there’s a difference between “submissive” and “subservient” and your false conflation is neither.

line-break-flourish-sm

I know, I know — people should be able to do whatever they want to do as long as it isn’t hurting anyone else.

But it kinda is. This whole “man + chores = service” thing isn’t helping women. Maybe it’s helping one woman, or a handful of women (and maybe they love it*), but it isn’t helping women in general.

Of course, you’re entitled to do whateverthefuck you want. You’re entitled to write about it, and you have every right to preach the doctrine of subservience as a means to happiness, handjobs, and heaven.

But you should know it’s fucking offensive to those of us who have been doing “domestic service” for generations for no other reason than shit needs getting done (oh, and because men and culture and patriarchy made us think it was our job).

So you can do it, you can write it, you can preach it, but I don’t have to like it. And I don’t. I wish you would cut it the fuck out because it’s kind of sexist, and presumptuous, and it’s pretty fucking condescending to women (…you know… those people you “worship”).


*There are exceptions to every rule, so STFU about your really really real efforts to be submissive and how much your wife or girlfriend really really appreciates it. I’m sure she does. (Also, shouldn’t you be getting that handjob right now? I mean, you totally did the dishes, right?)

“Works Progress Administration maid poster” (1939) from the Library of Congress, digital ID: cph.3b49400. Image is in the public domain.

  32 Responses to “On domestic service, stealth submission, and women’s invisible labor (and why it’s bullshit)”

  1. It’s waaaay too early in the morning for me to write an eloquent comment with my opinion on this, but I don’t want to forget about it so I’m commenting in order to subscribe to the comments.

  2. I can honestly say I’ve never thought about it that way, but in that light, that sort of pisses me off!

    That being said, in my own relationship, once we’re living together, certain duties will be split and there will be an expectation that I will get mine done (as a good submissive). The difference, I think, is that these things were what I was doing before – and would do anyway – but now I might just get the fingerbang reward. ;)

    • certain duties will be split and there will be an expectation that I will get mine done (as a good submissive)

      Of course, and I imagine your male partner/dominant also has chores and responsibilities that you expect him to do, too… (like fingerbanging) ;)

      Hey… there’s nothing wrong with a little fingerbang reward… :D

  3. Sing it, woman!

    I have nothing against a D/s relationship (or non D/s relationship!) where the man takes on the household chores. In fact, I kind of admire those men who take the house-spouse role because I know the kind of shit they may be taking from their family and friends over not being ‘manly’ enough or other bullshit. But while household chores may be part of your dynamic, if you are doing them for the reward and to ‘worship’ me and not because “Hey, I’m part of this deal and I’m going to do my part” I don’t want to fucking hear it.

    *exception* if we don’t live together, and you are dong chores not because it’s part of keeping your home, but because you are coming over to my home to make my life easier, that’s service.

    • I know the kind of shit they may be taking from their family and friends over not being ‘manly’ enough or other bullshit

      Agreed, though it never fails to surprise me when this sort of thing happens — that sort of teasing and bullying seems more after-school-special than 2014.

      But while household chores may be part of your dynamic, if you are doing them for the reward and to ‘worship’ me and not because “Hey, I’m part of this deal and I’m going to do my part” I don’t want to fucking hear it.

      Preach it! I want whoever I’m with to be my partner first, and if submission is a component of that partnership, then great, but that should take precedence over anything (everything!) else.

  4. Aw, dang. I removed part of my FetLife profile that talked about this right before you posted this. The point was that I enjoy service, but those things don’t feel like service to me. They’re just doing my part. I do like Jess Mahler’s distinction that cleaning someone else’s home is service, though.

    • Exactly… “doing my part.” <— That’s it for me. Regardless of what dynamic is in place, it’s still a relationship where both parties have to do particular things to keep the relationship/house/whatever intact. While the service-for-handjobs dynamic might work for some people (more power to them), it doesn’t work for me.

  5. I totally agree that doing your agreed upon share of the domestic chores isn’t ‘service’.
    But alongside the ‘doing chores in someone else’s house is service’ I’d like to point out that doing something that isn’t your chore is a form of service too.
    My Boy makes me cocoa, which I’m perfectly capable of doing myself, but he does it for me and that is service. Also, when he tells me to put my feet up because I’m tired and does a chore which otherwise I should have done, that’s service too.
    Most importantly he doesn’t expect any more fingerbanging than he would normally get.
    It’s love, plain and simple, which maybe makes that kind of service not kinky at all.

    • Hot cocoa… with no fingerbang? What is this world coming to?!?! ;)

      I guess I understand. I tend to think marshmallows are a much better accompaniment to hot cocoa than fingerbanging. :)

      And for the record, I love it when my boy does things for me (if he can beat me to it — I’m independent to a fault), but I’d prefer that he does things because he loves me and not for the… you know… fingerbanging.

  6. For me it really depends on the relationship. In my most recent live in sort of hetero, non kinky relationship, my ex boyfriend was a cunt. Once we moved in together, without saying he tried to force me to basically be his house bitch. By the way that was without him doing his part because he was very “non-traditional male”—I changed the oil in the car because he didn’t know dick about cars, I did the handywork, because he didn’t know how, but I was also EXPECTED to cook (fine, I love cooking and he couldn’t cook for shit), do and fold both mine and his laundry, clean the kitchen on my days off after he had wrecked it, clean the bathroom, etc. And between us I was also the main “breadwinner.” Now. Life did not always happen that way, because when I work six days straight and barely see my bed, I’m not cleaning your disgusting mess. Our main fights were about him being lazy/forcing him to take part in chores and about the lack of sex. Needless to say, it didn’t end as quickly as it should have, but it damn sure ended.

    Now I said all this so I could make a stark contrast to the way my d-type and I interact. We don’t live together, but one of my biggest fetishes is 1950s domestic roleplay. May seem counter-progressive, and I find it sort of funny because I am disgustingly liberally minded, but there it is. When we’re engaging in that at his house, I put on a retro dress (yep) and apron and heels and I cook him dinner (though I really enjoy cooking anyway), I bring him a drink and slippers, ask about his day, I dust his house, clean the dishes, I’ve even scrubbed floors and windows. But these are things he would never make or ask me to do if we weren’t role playing bad caricatures. My doing his dishes isn’t service to him. He’s a grown man and very well kept.

    Though I do shave his beard when he gets too scruffy as a sort of service. And make his coffee just the way he likes it. But again, is this service or because I care about him? Perhaps it is just called “service” because of the dynamic.

    • I do shave his beard when he gets too scruffy as a sort of service. And make his coffee just the way he likes it. But again, is this service or because I care about him? Perhaps it is just called “service” because of the dynamic.

      I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here, in more ways than one. I think service, or as you indirectly suggested, doing nice things for people you love, is lovely in the context of a relationship where two people care about one another.

      And sure, doing things for your partner’s is a sort of “service” — and in that regard, I try to “serve” J too (“serve” = thoughtful things that make him happy, make his life easier, show my appreciation for him in my life, etc.). I do things for him, because I love him.

      And as you mention, role-playing is entirely different. And heck, I think it’s great if people do “service” just because it turns them on or just because they expect reciprocation (I imagine there’s more possibility for that for play partners that aren’t in romantic relationships. My only issue is when subs — male subs specifically — tout doing “service” as submission, as a means to get a woman to dominate, as “purely” an act of service. The suggestion is “it’s all about her,” when it really isn’t.

  7. Doing chores is boring! What’s wrong with making it fun by calling it domestic servitude? Boys just wanna have fun.

    • What’s wrong with making it fun by calling it domestic servitude?

      Nothing at all! There’s nothing wrong with making it fun and/or calling it “domestic servitude.” What I explained in the post is the pretense that the service is all about her — about meeting her needs, lightening her burden, “pure service,” — when in most cases (or a lot of cases), it’s about what turns the “servant” on, the possibility of reciprocation, or wedging both partners into roles that one of them might not want.

      Boys just wanna have fun.

      No doubt, but boys don’t have to mislead themselves or anyone else about what it’s for or why it’s fun.

  8. This reminds me of the approach championed by Lady Misato’s “Real Women don’t do housework” site http://www.rwddh.com. Basically, a man’s submission can be enhanced via a tactical crotch rub as reward for doing the dishes, ironing etc. Hmm, a site clearly written by a man. I’m with You on this being BS. It’s all part of the masturbatory hogwash occupied by Female Supremacy and what a ‘real’ Domme should and shouldn’t do. And for that matter, what a ‘real’ sub should and shouldn’t do.

    • Basically, a man’s submission can be enhanced via a tactical crotch rub as reward for doing the dishes, ironing etc. Hmm, a site clearly written by a man.

      Probably, or at least, written by someone who thinks men are children or dogs who should be trained with an insultingly simple action/reward system. Of course, we’re all trained by action/reward systems, but the “rewards” should be “doing nice things because nice things are nice” at least some of the time. Maybe motivation is a better word than reward?

      Anyway, yes. Hogwash.

  9. On a similar theme, there was an article a while back pretending that we like to do housework to get better sex with our husbands. What? WTF? Can’t find the article……probably from Shine or some sort of likeminded nonsensical gibberish verbiage laden garbage site.

    In discussion of it with another FemDom, (WIckedMaggie) she posited the following. I think she stated the thoughts of most of us rather eloquently. :)

    From WickedMaggie: “WOW.. after reading the article, this is the most glaring over site of the whole study. First.. they are basing this solely on the number of sexual encounters, but never step into how satisfying those encounters are. How much you want to bet it has so much less to do with the “man” appearing more “masculine” and much more to do with the fact that his hands are so DAMN idle that he is pestering the shit out of his wife and she is simply giving in to unsatisfying quickies because she needs him to leave her alone so she can finish the chores. I’d almost guarantee that he is the one initiating 99% of the encounters.

    Like the article said… let’s do the math. For instance, twice as much time is spent on “female” chores (34 hours) each week than on tasks more typically considered “male” (17 hours). This means, on average, a household requires about 51 hours a week to operate.

    Now take a typical week of a dual income home. You have 168 hrs a week.. you sleep approximately 49 hrs a week, work is approximately 45-50 hrs a week, commuting another 5hrs a week, eating an additional 10.5 (assuming cooking is added to the chores total). So out of a total of 168hrs… we are each left slightly more than 50 hrs a week for everything else. If woman maintain the bulk of the chores… we’re being left with 18 hrs a week (or 2.5 hrs a day, including weekends) for downtime. Factor in the extra time we require for personal grooming… and is anyone surprised a married woman loses interest in sex?

    For the male, the lower chore hours leaves him with a whopping 35hrs a week (5 hrs a day). Considering he uses a 10th of that time for personal grooming (seriously boys.. with all that extra time… why don’t you take better care?). So now they have twice as much time to sit on the couch with their hand down their pants. No wonder their mind is stuck on sex! The female in the relationship is taking on 68 more hours of housework per month than the male is in exchange for about two sexual encounters. I doubt we’re doing the extra chores just so we can get more sex. Am I the only one who sees the HUGE fallacy in this conclusion? They honestly think we women are more turned on by seeing our men doing nothing while we slave away?

    When chores are split down the middle each is left with 27 hrs a week or 3.5 hrs a day. More than enough time for both to enjoy a hobby and to enjoy a good sex life. The problem is glaringly obvious to me on average women still expect the man to initiate most sexual contact. Once the male takes on chores his idle hands are not wandering as much. NOT this ignorant conclusion…”

    • Three cheers for WickedMaggie, and thanks for sharing this, Vanessa.

      I fucking LOVE it.

    • Oh SURRRREEEE Vanessa. Come along and steal my thunder! ROFL J/K

      But I wholeheartedly agree with this post! I’ve lived with 3 men in my lifetime and never once would I allow the chores to fall along “gender” norms. I HATE the idea that women are some how better equipped to handle a household or that there is any reason why chores are to be divided based on gender. And I’m sorry, but anyone who thinks changing the oil on a car (or two) once every 3 months is somehow equivalent to doing laundry for a household is higher then a kite.

      I will say this… the biggest difference between the 2 vanilla guys I lived with and the submissive one I live with now? I don’t have to tell/remind the submissive guy to get his chores done (well, most of the time anyway)

      To me… doing dishes is not service, but a requirement of living in my home. (I cook, he cleans)
      Doing dishes while naked because I made that a rule… still not service, but is submission
      Doing dishes while naked and chained in weird uncomfortable ways so I can laugh, taunt and humiliate while watching HIM do dishes… yeah, I see that as service.

      BUT… just cause I don’t strip him naked and chain him up does NOT mean he gets the night off.

      • @WickedMaggie I hereby return all of your thunder….and lightening…..and any other sort of storm anomalies with One Billion percent interest. :)

  10. It has always pissed me the fuck off as well. It was a huge issue in my last relationship, and I agree, it does hurt so many women of this perception.

  11. I totally see your point and I can’t entirely disagree. However, I have to admit I’m aroused by a man doing chores for me. I always have been even before I learned ‘domestic servitude’ is an aspect of a D/s relationship, even in my vanilla relationships. I’ve always had a bit of a fetish for a guy vacuuming for me even before I knew what a fetish was.

    That said, I completely agree that there shouldn’t be an expectation of finger banging afterwards. In my opinion, that’s probably bad “training” on the part of the dominant.

    • However, I have to admit I’m aroused by a man doing chores for me.

      This is different than the sort of situation I wrote about. For the most part, I don’t believe most women are aroused as a direct result of a man doing chores for her. Certainly, appreciation can lead to warm fuzzies can lead to arousal, and any number of other indirect routes from chores to arousal, but I don’t think direct causation is common.

      And of course, if it works for you and your partner, and if you’re both honest about your motivations, wants, needs, and turn ons, then go forth and kink (or clean) on. :)

  12. I serve because I am a submissive. *Being* a submissive is can be a gateway to erotic joys. However not everything I do is erotic. Service mostly isn’t.

    • I imagine your feelings on it are fairly common, Giles. As I meant to suggest to Lilyana above, I think arousal can come from service, but generally, in an indirect way.

  13. This is pretty much a pet peeve of mine because a lot of the time “service” is put up as the cash alternative of what he is supposed to give you for play. Yech.

    • Yes, but if I did buy into this system of payment, tips would be a whole lot easier for me to calculate.

      “You did such a great job with the laundry, I’m going to give you just the tip…”

      Heh. :)

  14. I love this on so many levels! I think what mostly gets to me about the whole scenario is that unless the d-type has a chores-fetish as well (and the idea of getting turned on by somebody making me a sandwich or scrubbing the bath is quite appealing as it would make life rather fun but, sadly, seems utterly alien) it becomes the same old same old same old of women trading favours/gifts/money/labour/help/affection/whatthefuckever for sex (in a vanilla context, any sex; in a kink context, being topped/dominated) with an added insult of the gender-role-reversal-play (aka Universal Female Supremacy crap) presented as dominance/submission.

    So I do wonder if the main reasons for your (and my own too) discomfort and annoyance with the whole notion isn’t simply what goes as YKINMK?

    On the other hand the *general* idea of being able to order somebody (and expect compliance) to do a mundane chore of any kind is quite hot… but it’s the dynamic of ordering & compliance, not the actual chore. Nothing more annoying that somebody who washes up “for me” rather than because the washing up needs done.

  15. I’m going to take an opposing opinion on this subject, and offer you another look at domestic service, because I find your outlook on domestic service superficially dismissive.

    First question: Have you ever wondered why so many people are becoming enchanted with D/s relationships as of late? I don’t think a poorly-written trilogy of novels is enough to make housewives want to bend over and find out how many of the strokes of the belt they can actually take. That isn’t their motivation.

    A common complaint in many vanilla heterosexual relationships are things like: “My husband never appreciates all the things I do for him” or “My wife takes me for granted.” Yes, housework is menial work that has to be done, regardless if you are a celibate single or you live in a polyamory harem. Yes, we do do those things out of necessity. There is nothing magical or special about them.

    But I can tell you why D/s relationships have an internal “drive” in them,which seems to be missing in most long-term vanilla relationships: Formal Rituals. You know that D/s relationships are built upon certain kinds of rituals. Some of these rituals are impressive, but most of them are downright silly. Rituals are quite often simple things… like addressing you with “Ma’am”. Ridiculous and bullshit in the 21st century.

    Yet, you don’t simply tolerate being called “Ma’am”. You probably laughed the first dozen times your boy said, “Yes, Ma’am” to you. But it grew on you eventually, and you came to enjoy it. Now it’s hard for you to imagine Mr J NOT calling you “Ma’am”.

    Equally silly is calling an adult man “good boy”, as if you were some kind of pedophilic cougar. Mr J is a grown man, and not a “boy”. Theoretically you could consider the entire form of address system “bullshit”, and yet you still adhere to it.

    Why is that?

    I’m going to guess that he’s not the only enjoying it when he calls you “Ma’am”. It started out sounding lame, but now it feels good. Why is that? How does that happen?

    Rituals. Rituals are the most important part of D/s relationship. They really should be an important part of vanilla relationships, but sadly they’re not, which makes me believe that’s the main reason why so many people flock to D/s. They want that sort of “confirmation/affirmation that you appreciate me” ritual.

    And domestic service is just another one of these rituals. Yes, he’s doing your housework. And you can think, “BFD… I have do it when he’s not around because I can’t afford a maid. If I had to wait for clean laundry until boy came around, people at work would be whispering about my body odour behind my back.”

    But you’re being dismissive when you say, “Oh, boys just do domestic service because they think they’ll get a blow job later”. That’s like saying, “I only go to work for the money”. Were that true, you could take any kind of job. You could work in the mornings in your office and at night you could work in bar or in a gas station, because it wouldn’t matter. Work is work, and shit has to get done. Right?

    But you do care about what kind job you have. That’s why a career is important to you. You’re not just “in for the money”. There are other factors important to you: appreciation and recognition.

    Domestic service isn’t about housework. It’s about recognition and appreciation. So when you dismiss it as mere labour, you depreciate it from what it is: a ritual to earn recognition and appreciation, and you are discounting your D/s relationship. Your boy does everything he does, including domestic service, with an expectation of reciprocation. And you do the very same thing the moment you strap on his collar.

    You’re not doing it because you like to degrade and debase other humans. You’re not doing it because you’re a narcissist who needs an attention fix. You’re doing it because you need appreciation and respect. Those are very important human needs that often get washed away between window cleaning and washing machine spin cycles in vanilla relationships. In vanilla we get lazy and stop saying things, like “Thank you”, “I appreciate that”, even “I love you” starts to sound lame until we just can’t be bothered.

    That’s one of the most rewarding things about D/s relationships. They sort of “force” us to demonstrate how much we appreciate and respect our partners, whereas in vanilla relationships, things become so mundane that you sort of fall into this state of emotional inertia. “I said ‘thank you’ to her once. Geez, do I have to say ‘thank you’ all the time? (Groan) What a bunch of bullshit!” This kind of assumption is absent in well-adjusted D/s relationships – the assumption that “s/he knows I care about him/her” – because both partners have overcome their emotional laziness and must demonstrate how much they appreciate their partner in the form of rituals, and that includes things like domestic service.

    • But it grew on you eventually, and you came to enjoy it. Now it’s hard for you to imagine Mr J NOT calling you “Ma’am”.

      I laughed out loud when I read this, Phare du Four. How on earth would you know any of this? Why do you assume that J only ever refers to me as “Ma’am”?

      Equally silly is calling an adult man “good boy”, as if you were some kind of pedophilic cougar. Mr J is a grown man, and not a “boy”. Theoretically you could consider the entire form of address system “bullshit”, and yet you still adhere to it.

      You know, I think it’s one thing for me to speak in generalities about what other people do and why I don’t like it (on my own blog). I get that it may offend, hurt, or anger others, but I’m not speaking directly to someone or about someone specific, and I’m not in their space doing it.

      It’s another thing entirely when someone comes to my space, points out what I do, calls it silly, and then makes comparisons using the word “pedophile.” Granted, I get that your comparison was for effect, to emphasize how silly it all is, but that’s a bit personal, extreme, and direct, don’t you think?

      Anyway, your assumptions here are incorrect. I don’t consider “Ma’am” or “boy” parts of a ‘system of address,’ ‘rituals,’ or even something we ‘adhere to.’ They’re pet names. I enjoy them, but they aren’t much more meaningful than that.

      But you’re being dismissive when you say, “Oh, boys just do domestic service because they think they’ll get a blow job later”.

      But lots of boys do engage in domestic service because they think they’ll get a reward later (not all, but lots). That’s part of the reason I think the whole thing is bullshit.

      With that said, in general, I think you’ve missed my primary point, which isn’t about ritual, reward, or systems of reinforcement. What I take issue with is the idea that what’s traditionally considered “women’s work” is somehow demeaning, or that it’s performed as “service” when men do it. My secondary issue is that when (submissive) men do “women’s work,” it’s often (not always, of course) in the hopes of receiving some reward.

      Domestic service isn’t about housework. It’s about recognition and appreciation. So when you dismiss it as mere labour, you depreciate it from what it is: a ritual to earn recognition and appreciation, and you are discounting your D/s relationship. Your boy does everything he does, including domestic service, with an expectation of reciprocation. And you do the very same thing the moment you strap on his collar.

      First, I really don’t understand why you think you have the right to tell me what I’m really doing or why I’m really doing it. You have no inside information on my relationship, and besides that, you’re entirely incorrect (again).

      I don’t always do things for J because I want to earn recognition or appreciation. Sure, sometimes I do, and it’s always nice to be appreciated, but that’s not why I do everything I do. Often I do things for him just to make his life easier — things he’s completely unaware of and things I don’t bring to his attention — because I love him. Again, he doesn’t know about them, so I have no expectation of being recognized or appreciated.

      In the same way, I imagine there are things J does simply because he loves me, and not for the purposes of being appreciated or recognized or receiving some reciprocation.

      If I can return to the idea that I believe you’ve missed my point, my post was actually motivated by reading this one” “Housework — Learning to Love it!” Some of the generalizations in it really irked me. I won’t point them out specifically, but I’m sure you can figure out what they were.

      I didn’t respond to the post as a comment on the authors blog, nor did I link to the writing in my post here, because I have no right to make assumptions about any one person’s specific behavior or motivations. (I do, however, have every right to discuss why I hate ideas in general and/or why they bother me.) Besides that, it seemed rude to shit on someone specifically just to make my point. Seeing as how I could make my point in generalities without calling people out individually (and in the process, being dismissive of their actions, shitting on their relationship, and being so egotistical as to assume I understand the off-blog details of their relationship), I didn’t link to it earlier. I’m only doing it now because I think reading my post with the additional context might clear up some of your mistaken notions about my purpose.

      • So, yes. I was presumptuous. I am sorry and do apologise. Some of the things you have written in the past have caused me to sketch in the rest of your magnificient personality for things which I assume, but don’t know about you. And here I have made mistakes and some false assumptions. My intent was to present a different view, not to insult, and I apparently didn’t do a very good job at this. For instance, one of my basic assumptions is that most people are attracted to the lifestyle because of it’s ritualized style of demonstrating authority, obedience, appreciation and respect. This was never intended to “shit on you”. My apologies.

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