Apr 142014
 

So, it’s not even a month into spring and I’m feeling it.

I hate the spring — it’s full of falling shoes, work stress, ugly anniversaries, and the ever-present undertoad looming just around the corner.

Since the vernal equinox, not even one month in, I discovered some schmuck stole my identity and racked up a fuck ton of charges at a shameful big box store I don’t even patronize. And what’s worse, somehow, the schmuck also managed to lease a new car in my name.

Must be nice. Getting a new car doesn’t sound like a bad idea, actually, because I just got rear-ended the other day. Not only did I get rear-ended… I got rear ended by a van full of Baptists who called out to Jesus for help and offered to pray the damage away. As of this moment, my back bumper has yet to be “healed.”

With all of that going on, I’m actually kind of okay.

Want proof? This post is proof. As long as I’m still a bit snarky-angry-biting (finding ironic humor in having my identity stolen to buy a new car after being rear-ended by a bunch of Baptists), then it means I’m dealing. It’s when I get quiet that you should be worried.

Granted, I haven’t been on Twitter much, but that’s not cause for alarm. I haven’t been on Twitter in part because I’m busy, and in part because I don’t want to be a rag all over everyone’s feeds. I fucking hate Twitter rags, so I certainly don’t intend to be one. (I’d prefer to keep my self-pity to myself.) Instead of wallowing in self-pity all over Twitter like an emo high school kid, I’m doing it here in my own little corner of the interwebs. I’m not above self-pity, I just like to keep it contained.

Presumably, you’ve come here to read my semi-poetic love sick ramblings, updates about my asshole, and/or all-too-infrequent descriptions of hot sex. Surprise… all you get today are a handful of complaints and one evil undertoad.

evil toad with red eyes and horns


composite based on “Cane Toad” (2013) by snarsy. Licensed under Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Universal (CC0 1.0).

  10 Responses to “identity thieves and back bumper Baptists”

  1. “I got rear ended by a van full of Baptists…”

    First, I’m super-glad you’re okay. Two, from an insurance perspective, is this damage considered a ‘covered event’ or an ‘ACT OF GOD’? Why does the Christian God hate you so much? For the same reason/s we love you, no doubt. :)

    As for the identity theft, I submit that actually there is no ‘thief.’ Instead, resulting from the prolonged tramatic strain of your life events, you have suffered a psychotic break (potentially multiple breaks!). The ‘thief’ is you! Or, rather, the thief is a dissociative aspect of you who, intentionally or not, has come to wreak credit-rating havoc via bulk Costco purchases of Diet Tang!

    Truly and deeply, though, I’m sorry for your troubles. I hardly think you deserve them. I hope the bumper repair and the identity theft get resolved quickly. I hope things ease up for you soon.

    • “traumatic”

    • Ironic, I know a guy named ‘Christian’ who hates me and also thinks he’s god. That counts, right?

      The ‘thief’ is you! Or, rather, the thief is a dissociative aspect of you […]

      Ok, fine. But where is my car?

      Honestly, who would buy diet Tang? I mean, what’ style point?

      I hope things ease up for you soon.

      Me too, and thank you. Is it summer yet? Please?

  2. Ugh I’m so sorry. What a mess! Hope you can fight the idiots and assholes and get your life back. I think you should get the car “you” leased too! :P

  3. I’m really sorry to hear about the identity theft. I sure do hope you get it straightened out soon. The same thing happened to me about 15 years ago and it was a real pain in the ass. These days though, after a bankruptcy and a pile of medical bills, my credit score is probably somewhere in double digits, so nobody would want my identity. Hell, *I* don’t even want my identity!

    When it comes to that rear bumper, I wouldn’t hold out much hope for a miracle. While the Almighty may be good at the really big stuff, (“Let there be light”, floods, plagues, smiting firstborns, and such) when it comes to bodywork, not so much. Remember, this is the same guy that came up with the mosquito! I also hope your Baptist assailants have good insurance too because every time I see them, they are always “passing the plate” and begging for cash to “do the work of the lord”. As it turns out, the Almighty isn’t real good with money either.

    ”I haven’t been on Twitter much, but that’s not cause for alarm”

    Perhaps not, but the silence is still deafening. I am just happy to know that you are OK.

    <i.”I’m not above self-pity, I just like to keep it contained”

    I’m with you here too, although I still haven’t summoned up the courage to post any of it on my blog. Mine usually takes the form of abandoned, journal type entries that look rather unhinged after reading them over a day or two later.

    ”Presumably, you’ve come here to read my semi-poetic love sick ramblings, updates about my asshole, and/or all-too-infrequent descriptions of hot sex”

    All of the above. I also come here to catch glimpses of what I find to be a very interesting mind. You’re sharp, funny, and even insightful. I don’t even mind the complaints because they help me to remember that we are all in the same leaky life boat.

    And as far as the evil undertoad is concerned, if he dares to show his face on this coast, (Something he does every now and then) I’m going to smack him in the head with my crutches, and I’ll give him a couple of smacks for you too. Over time, I’ve found that the best defense against the undertoad is a good sense of humor, a cocktail or two, (it makes EVERYTHING funnier) and a baseball bat, or in my case, a crutch. I’ll be on the lookout for him.

    • So I shouldn’t hope for the Almighty to unsmite my bumper? How the fuck am I supposed to get all of that Baptist off? Baptist van… I should clarify… no actual Baptists were injured in the destruction of my car.

      Interesting mind? Ha! Thank you for the compliment, but it’s like the inside of a pinball machine in here… and I’m no good at pinball…

  4. UGGGHHHH.. And I thought I had a bad week last week.

    Hope you get the identity thief straightened out very quickly. What an awful mess!

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