Apr 102014

I don’t have one singular life goal.

If I did, it certainly wouldn’t be to stick my metaphorical dick in the same metaphorical hole over and over again for all eternity.

It’s just not a priority for me.

The *pat pat* condescension that accompanies “you’ll understand when you are older” works both ways, you know. It’s the same *pat pat* condescension I could use to shake my head and feel sorry for your perspective — a perspective shaped by advancing age, decreasing years, and dwindling options.

Perhaps you look back on your life and you’re happy with your decision to put love first because ultimately, love is most important to you. But perhaps you look back and you’re happy with your decision because you weren’t ambitious, or because you fell short of your ambition, or because you’re tired of rat races and sometimes familiar love is easier to settle into than anything else.

Granted, perhaps I can’t see what you see because I don’t have the wisdom or life experiences that come with age (tell me, how many candles must I have to earn the right to prioritize my life the way I choose?).

But perhaps you can’t see what I see because your life experiences have skewed your perception, or limited your options, or crushed your ambition, creativity, and spirit.

I don’t know. You don’t know either.


  10 Responses to “metaphorical dicks in metaphorical holes”

  1. Wow, DD. You must have gotten a shitload of opinionated so-sorry-for-you crap. Yikes!

    Here is some food for thought from one of your elders: 3 years ago, I left a 23 year relationship – stable, affectionate, lots of hot sex, but emotionally and intellectually unfulfilling – to go chase my dream. I finished college and am in grad school at 53 because I refused to give up, settle, have my ambition crushed, or allow my perceptions to be skewed.

    It ain’t easy. Hell, it’s fucking awful at times. Lonely. Hard. Kick-ass.

    And I don’t regret it for a minute.

    It’s hard going against the flow, refusing to buy in to the happily-ever-after fairy tale that our culture tries to sell us. I had to work HARD to clear my brain of the propaganda I’d been fed all my life. But I did it.

    So, am I, at 53, lacking wisdom because I refused to settle?

    I don’t think so. I think I’m the wisest person I know. After you.

    • I’m not sure it was a shitload, but it was condescending enough to make me angry all over again.

      I finished college and am in grad school at 53 because I refused to give up, settle, have my ambition crushed, or allow my perceptions to be skewed […] And I don’t regret it for a minute.

      Exactly! And you know what else? You may end up looking back and realizing it was the right decision. You may end of realizing it was the wrong decision. But it’s your decision, and right or wrong, I applaud anyone who wants to suck every last bit of life and happiness out of the short time we have here.

      So, am I, at 53, lacking wisdom because I refused to settle?

      Maybe. I believe the Board Who Votes on These Things is going to declare 56 as the age at which you’re appropriately wisdom-ed. ;) Sorry Night Owl… you’re just a few years short. :D

  2. ”I don’t have one singular life goal”

    A very wise strategy. As one who is now “shaped by advancing age, decreasing years, and dwindling options”, I can tell you with great certainty that if there is one thing I can look back on with regret, it’s that I left so many things undone. I squandered so much of my ambition and wasted so much creativity on blindly, and singularly following, what turned out to be a false goal. I listened too often, to those who were “older and wiser” while neglecting to give myself the freedom to grow to my full potential.

    There is no way that I, or anyone else can say for certain which direction you should move in and while it’s true that “you’ll understand when you are older” , the things that you understand will be unique to you.

    As one who is a bit older, though not necessarily wiser, I would tell you this: Keep an open mind, but steer your own ship. Give heed to those you trust but follow your own hopes, dreams and build your own reality. Live and experience life as widely as you can, for as long as you can, and above all, be flexible.

    Following your own priorities is not about being selfish, but rather an invitation to grow and becoming the best “you” that you can. While real growth will often involve sacrifice, and may even leave the occasional scar, I believe that the end result is worth it.

    *stepping down off soapbox*

    • There is no way that I, or anyone else can say for certain which direction you should move in and while it’s true that “you’ll understand when you are older” , the things that you understand will be unique to you

      So fucking true. I’m doing the best I can with what I know now — being true to myself, being respectful of the past, and keeping an eye on the future. With that said, all I’ve got is today and I intend to make the best of it.

      Okay, maybe I won’t make the best of it today, but maybe tomorrow. ;)

      *stepping down off soapbox*

      I hope there’s room for two up there. :)

  3. We’re all allowed our own priorities. All of us. I may not understand yours or his or hers or theirs. But that doesn’t make any of them inherently wrong. I go round and round with this with my (very affluent and ambitious) family. I’m old enough (in their opinion) to “get a real job.” To them, I’m slacking and I have no ambition. If I’d chosen to have children, I’d also be irresponsible in that I wouldn’t be “properly providing” for my children. Their priorities are extremely different from mine. And that’s fine. They are (at least hopefully!) doing what works for them. I’m happy and doing what works for me. Because, frankly, what they are doing would make me miserable. :/ And, I think it’s a shame that so many people can’t get past thinking their way is the only way. No matter what the topic is.

    If you’re doing what works for you, to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it.

    • If you’re doing what works for you, to hell with anyone who doesn’t like it.

      A-fucking-men to that, Anon. :)

      Everything (anything!) you do is going to be “wrong” to someone… so you might as well say “fuck it” and do what works for you. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. :)

  4. ouch. Makes me feel kind of old and stuck in my ways…..


    • Maybe, and being old and stuck in your ways is okay… for you. (They are your ways after all). You haven’t ever tried to tell me that your ways should be my ways, so you’re still okay with me, Mick (old and stuck or otherwise). :)

  5. The idea that age determines our ability (or lack thereof) to define our lives in the way we wish to define them is one I’ve always found to be absurd.

    Age isn’t an indication of the trials a person has gone through or the maturity they hold. A higher number in age doesn’t automatically equate to a deeper understanding of life, just as a lower number in age doesn’t equate to a lack of understanding.

    Sometimes things happen in life that seem like setbacks, but then you get further along and realize that without those setbacks, your whole life would have been meaningless. I think there are key moments in our lives, moments we don’t even know exist, that are set in stone with the journey between them a flexible one.

    It’s a weird mixture of a belief in both free will and fate (but I’m a weird person, so I’m 100% okay with that), but my own life experiences have brought me to that belief. I’m 26 and getting ready to start college. In a way, it feels late, but in another way, it feels right. Because I spent the years between high school graduation and now figuring out who I am.

    I discovered my own path by walking down what others would consider “the wrong one.” I made mistakes and faced hard truths. But experience is how we learn; it is experience that shapes us. And experience comes at every age. Taking experience and learning from it is a challenge unique to itself, but it is the purpose of life to experience it.

    But I don’t feel like that time was wasted. I learned who I wasn’t as much as I learned who I am. Other people still look at me and tell me how young I am and how much I can’t possibly know about the world and it makes me sad. That response used to make me angry. But now, because I have a deeper appreciation of the world around me, I understand that those people are the ones that are hurting. The ones who are still lost–the ones who haven’t been able to find themselves, despite the extra years they’ve had to search.

    I watch the teenagers around me, listening to them trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives and what kind of goals to set. And rather than try to tell them that they’re young or that they still have time, I listen. And let them work it out themselves.

    Because the truth is, we all have to find our own path in life. No one else can find our path for us and no one else can walk it.

    But most people have no clue how to take that first step toward discovery. It tends to make them envious of those of us who already have goals and priorities, especially when those goals are outside of the “expected” ones determined by societal norms. It is those “expected” goals that the majority of people fall back on, because it means they don’t have to think for themselves. The course is already set for them and deviating from it would be too terrifying.

    And because it terrifies them, when they see other people deviate from those goals, it makes them lash out in anger. Anger that is really disguised fear, because they are afraid if someone else can pursue a goal outside of societal norms, then it means they have failed. It is almost certainly a subconscious response and few would be able to acknowledge that fear–people do not like to admit to being afraid, as they view fear as a weakness–but it is nonetheless still there.

    But you, in your relationship with J and in your passion for the work you do, are vibrantly alive and immersed in the experience. That is the most beautiful part about being alive–immersing yourself in the experience. I’ve seen plenty of people here comment on the envy they hold towards the deepness of your relationship with him, but few admire it and understand it.

    Everything in life is fleeting. Trying to hold on too tightly to something is a guaranteed way to lose it. I think when we accept that everything in life comes with an expiration date, it allows us to live much more fully and with a lot less fear. And that intensifies everything; the passion of it sets people apart from those still tightly holding to the fear of letting go.

    Your passion sets you apart.

    And that’s what makes people angry and lash out. Especially other women, because so many of us are taught from a young age that standing out is ‘wrong.’ That girls are supposed to blend in. That standing out is a guaranteed way to drive men away. It is sexist and it is a bad thing to teach women, but it is an undeniable fact that it is taught. I got lucky in that respect, because I wasn’t subjected to that teaching, and I was standing out among my peers at an early age, as I refused to accept the injustice of being treated as less than/weaker than a man.

    In any case… this is really long at this point :P so I think I’ll wrap it up here.

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