It seems contradictory, doesn’t it? It feels contradictory — it’s mercurial and incoherent and I wonder if it all reads as ‘less real’ than usual? That bothers me a bit and I’m not sure why.
In terms of my writing here, I’ve never been preoccupied with ‘realness’ as a cohesive narrative. Rather, my approach to ‘realness’ has been as a faithful record of authentic thoughts and feelings. (Not that my thinking on the matter was explicit, I just wanted to write myself, my (mis)adventures, and my relationship.) Until recently, I didn’t think about the cohesiveness of the narrative because it’s always felt cohesive, despite my sometimes erratic thoughts and feelings.
But it hasn’t felt cohesive lately, and that bothers me. In part, it’s because I enjoy having a nice, tidy place to put my (nice, tidy) words and a readership that seems to appreciate what I do here. In part, it’s because I’m part of my readership — this blog is my written record of this time in my life. I don’t want the disparity of my thoughts and feelings to obscure their intensity or impact (singularly or collectively). I want the intensity — of the happiness, love, desire, connection, sadness, and loss — to be what’s recorded and read here.
But that’s not where I’m at. What I’m feeling is as intense as ever, but those feelings are all over the place — my thoughts are erratic and my emotions are volatile. That’s just the way it is right now.
I warned J some time ago, and now I guess I need to warn you too. It’s going to be a bumpy road from this point forward, and you’re going to have to bear with me.
Or not. You don’t have to bear with me — it’s your choice, really. I just want to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or maybe I’m beating a dead horse? Yeah, I’m not great with idioms, but you already knew that. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there’s an elephant, a horse, and a bear in the room — the horse is dead, the elephant is huge, and the bear is loaded. Apparently, my brain is a zoo… complete with a drunken bear.)
Anyway, we’ve got a few more months before J leaves, but J is actively tying up the loose ends of his life here and making preparations to move out west. He’s sad, of course, but he’s also really exited. I’m excited for him, but I’m also really sad. Those emotional extremes and disconnects have been difficult to make sense of.
When I’m sad, it’s epic, consuming, and effusive — much like when I’m happy (I’m a creature of extremes). At the moment, I’m sad-angry-happy-pensive-numb-resolved-unsure-horny.
I’m all of those things, but not always at the same time and not always in equal measures. Unfortunately, I seem to have little control over which of those emotions motivates me at any given time. I’ve given J fair warning to expect any and all of the above, without notice and without indication of how long it might be until another emotion takes its place.
I offer the same warning here.
I just don’t want anyone (myself included) to interpret any singular emotion as negating the ones that came before it. My sadness doesn’t negate my happiness (nor does happiness negate the sad). My melancholy doesn’t take away my thinking that I’m so fucking lucky to have found love. I am. That’s precisely why I’m so sad to lose it.
Anyway, my point in all this is to say there will be some sadness here, but there will also be lovely and hot, serious and silly, thoughtful and stupid… all of those things I am. I just can’t predict what, where, or when…
If you’ll excuse me, If I can just squeeze past this elephant, I think I’m going to join the drunken bear for a cocktail…