Mar 162014
 

So the last half of February was all about heavy-hearted melancholy, and the first half of March was a long-winded retelling of some oh-so-satisfying office fuck tales.

It seems contradictory, doesn’t it? It feels contradictory — it’s mercurial and incoherent and I wonder if it all reads as ‘less real’ than usual? That bothers me a bit and I’m not sure why.

In terms of my writing here, I’ve never been preoccupied with ‘realness’ as a cohesive narrative. Rather, my approach to ‘realness’ has been as a faithful record of authentic thoughts and feelings. (Not that my thinking on the matter was explicit, I just wanted to write myself, my (mis)adventures, and my relationship.) Until recently, I didn’t think about the cohesiveness of the narrative because it’s always felt cohesive, despite my sometimes erratic thoughts and feelings.

But it hasn’t felt cohesive lately, and that bothers me. In part, it’s because I enjoy having a nice, tidy place to put my (nice, tidy) words and a readership that seems to appreciate what I do here. In part, it’s because I’m part of my readershipthis blog is my written record of this time in my life. I don’t want the disparity of my thoughts and feelings to obscure their intensity or impact (singularly or collectively). I want the intensity — of the happiness, love, desire, connection, sadness, and loss — to be what’s recorded and read here.

But that’s not where I’m at. What I’m feeling is as intense as ever, but those feelings are all over the place — my thoughts are erratic and my emotions are volatile. That’s just the way it is right now.
line-break-flourish-sm

black bearI warned J some time ago, and now I guess I need to warn you too. It’s going to be a bumpy road from this point forward, and you’re going to have to bear with me.

Or not. You don’t have to bear with me — it’s your choice, really. I just want to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or maybe I’m beating a dead horse? Yeah, I’m not great with idioms, but you already knew that. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there’s an elephant, a horse, and a bear in the room — the horse is dead, the elephant is huge, and the bear is loaded. Apparently, my brain is a zoo… complete with a drunken bear.)

Anyway, we’ve got a few more months before J leaves, but J is actively tying up the loose ends of his life here and making preparations to move out west. He’s sad, of course, but he’s also really exited. I’m excited for him, but I’m also really sad. Those emotional extremes and disconnects have been difficult to make sense of.

When I’m sad, it’s epic, consuming, and effusive — much like when I’m happy (I’m a creature of extremes). At the moment, I’m sad-angry-happy-pensive-numb-resolved-unsure-horny.

I’m all of those things, but not always at the same time and not always in equal measures. Unfortunately, I seem to have little control over which of those emotions motivates me at any given time. I’ve given J fair warning to expect any and all of the above, without notice and without indication of how long it might be until another emotion takes its place.

I offer the same warning here.

I just don’t want anyone (myself included) to interpret any singular emotion as negating the ones that came before it. My sadness doesn’t negate my happiness (nor does happiness negate the sad). My melancholy doesn’t take away my thinking that I’m so fucking lucky to have found love. I am. That’s precisely why I’m so sad to lose it.

Anyway, my point in all this is to say there will be some sadness here, but there will also be lovely and hot, serious and silly, thoughtful and stupid… all of those things I am. I just can’t predict what, where, or when

If you’ll excuse me, If I can just squeeze past this elephant, I think I’m going to join the drunken bear for a cocktail…

drunken bear


“Black bear large” (2008) by Mike Bender/U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, via the National Digital Library. Image in the public domain.
image based on 1) “Drunken bear” (2001) by amelia. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0). 2) Bottle of Duff (2009) by Vale maio. Image in the public domain.

  13 Responses to “caution: bumpy roads and drunken bears”

  1. ((HUGS))

    You’re feeling a gambit of emotions. We should all remember that feeling one emotion doesn’t wipe out an emotion felt moments or even days earlier. In this moment, I am sad for you. ((HUGS))

  2. life is full of emotions and i think it is so cool of you to write yours out and share

  3. You really hit the nail on the head about sadness not negating previous happiness and vice-versa. I’m not always the best at remembering that in the moment, but I wouldn’t trade my joyful memories to scrub away the sad memories.

    • I’m not always the best at remembering that in the moment,

      Tell me about it. :) I’m half thinking I wrote this to remind myself that one emotion doesn’t negate the others.

  4. It didn’t even occur to me to wonder about cohesion! We’ll just be happy when you’re happy and sad when you’re sad. Joys doubled, sorrows halved, I hope.

    • It didn’t even occur to me to wonder about cohesion!

      Oh… well then, um, forget this post ever happened, k? :)

      Joys doubled, sorrows halved, I hope.

      Thanks, Yingtai. I like your math. :)

  5. “I guess I need to warn you too. It’s going to be a bumpy road from this point forward, and you’re going to have to bear with me. Or not. You don’t have to bear with me — it’s your choice, really”.

    Thanks for the advance notice. Though the road may be bumpy it is still my desire to bump along the dusty trail with you until the end of the journey. You know, just in case you need help. I figure that if you get bogged down along the way, I could always get out and give you a little push to get you going again… or change a flat tire, or something. I can also bring some extra trail mix and jumper cables.

    “Basically, what I’m trying to say is that there’s an elephant, a horse, and a bear in the room — the horse is dead, the elephant is huge, and the bear is loaded”

    First of all, don’t let the elephant sit down on the couch, not only will it flatten the cushions, but you’ll never be able to get rid of it then. The drunken bear is cool though. Once it gets to the “I love you man!” stage of inebriation, you can expect a lot of comfy bear hugs. As far as the horse… Well, at least you don’t have to beat it. It’s already dead.

    I have had times when life’s narrative seems to lose it’s cohesion and I am left twisting in the winds of conflicting emotions so I know where you’re coming from. Wishing you the smoothest possible passage…. Oh, and a bear hug from me too!

    • it is still my desire to bump along the dusty trail with you until the end of the journey. You know, just in case you need help

      Duuuude… this made me tear up a little. It’s so fucking sweet I can’t stand it. :) And I’ll take it… your company, your help, and your friendship. Also, I’ll take assistance if I need to change a flat. I mean, I can change a flat, but I really don’t enjoy the process. :D

      First of all, don’t let the elephant sit down on the couch, not only will it flatten the cushions, but you’ll never be able to get rid of it then. The drunken bear is cool though. Once it gets to the “I love you man!” stage of inebriation, you can expect a lot of comfy bear hugs. As far as the horse… Well, at least you don’t have to beat it. It’s already dead.

      Dammit. The elephant and the bear went out for drinks without me. They left a note saying they had to go mourn the horse “in their own way,” but I think they were just trying to get rid of me. Fuck them.

      Wishing you the smoothest possible passage

      Like a laxative for my personal life? :) I’ll take it.

  6. Is life ever really all that cohesive to begin with? (And if it is, please don’t tell me it is cause then I’d have to figure out why mine isn’t… EVER!)

    I actually find it more realistic that these emotional swings are occurring. It’s a difficult situation to have to deal, I think a little manic behavior should be expected.

  7. What can I add that’s not been said already? You’re fabulous, even when You’re down. So how can we not be there to perk You up when the going gets hard? If we can’t support You at Your worst, we don’t deserve You at Your best.

    • Thanks, James. :) I’m up, then down, then slightly off-kilter, then horizontal… I’m all over the place, but I can’t say I’m enjoying the ride.

      Good to know you’ll stick with me. Here’s to hoping none of us get motion-sickness!

 Leave a Reply