Despite being impossibly vague, I made J respond to this reader question anyway.
(I was curious about how he’d respond.)
Today’s Q & J is on how to be a good submissive.
Q: How did you become a good sub? I want to please but I am just terrible. Please help. ~ anonymous, via contact form
If I knew of a one-size-fits-all method for becoming a good sub, I’d be a thousandaire. But, I would say a lot of what shapes my behavior is based on who the dominant female is. There are four general points I’ll make that do not appear in any particular order. In fact, determining a hierarchy for the topics that follow might be impossible, for me anyway.
I respect D, her intelligence, and trust both her ability and judgment to deal with daily issues: from mundane to extreme. This is essential because the only way I’ll ever turn over control to someone is if I trust their competence to handle situations as they arise.
I try my best to be a good sub for D because I desire to be her submissive. That is, being her boy is a rewarding experience, sexually, psychologically, and emotionally. It’s a positive feedback system: the better I am, the happier D is with my behavior, the more likely she is to fuck, hurt, and use me. The fact she’s so damn good at doing those things is a powerful motivator. (‘Bedroom submissives’ might want to make a selfish note of that. Being hurt, used, and fucked all become exponentially more intense in direct relation to my efforts in striving to be her boy.)
The only way I can please D is by knowing who she is, what she likes, dislikes, and prefers. For example: I know D hates to be embarrassed, I know she despises Cantonese food, and I know she dislikes change. I’m far from perfect. In fact I can be downright stupid about many things, but I really do try to stay mindful of how an event or transaction will be perceived by her. If D has to remind me of a preference/dislike for something, then I’ve failed. (That happens more than it should.)
I mean really pushing myself to submit. Speaking only for myself, consistently doing what someone else wants takes work. While D and I share ‘core values,’ we couldn’t be more different when it comes many of the preferences mentioned above. So there are a lot of times that I will make a conscious effort to defer whateverthefuck it is I ‘want to do’ and instead do things that will please her or at least be the route she’d prefer. Furthermore, D handles many situations far differently than I would; but because I respect her ability to handle issues, how they are handled becomes a matter of taste. In short, her preferences dominate the ways a situation is confronted and resolved. And, finally, I try to respond to her requests and suggestions as though they were directives. (I fail at this a lot too, but I do try).
Believe it or not, what’s written above is the short version. There’s a lot more I could say, but I wanted to hit the most important points. I have no idea if any of what works for me will be useful to you, but I’d say at least attempting to articulate the basics is a good start. Good luck!