Dec 202013
 
The backstory… I kept this blog a secret from J for over a year — I had my reasons. Fifteen months later, I suspected he found it. I called him out (publicly), he confirmed (publicly), and my secret blog wasn’t a secret anymore.

Q: Hello J! I’d love to hear about how it felt to have that dawning realisation when you were reading this blog and started going, “Hoooldd onnnn…”, and then when how you confirmed in your own head that it was DD writing about you, and what that was like, and whether you thought “I should say something…” etc and how you felt when she said ‘I know…”. All that!  ~ Ferns
Instead of a ‘dawning realization’, I would call it a growing feeling of ‘deja vu’.
Before I realized the person writing ‘Dumb Domme’ was my D, I recall thinking that some of the ‘difficulties’ discussed here were similar to difficulties D and I had. A few days later, I read a few more posts and thought, ‘Some of this might resonate with D’, and ‘some of this is fucking hot’.
I felt strong sense of deja vu, but there was no time where I ‘suspected’ it was D… until one day it hit me all of the sudden (with all the subtlety of a Mack truck). It just clicked… These words are D’s… and I am J.
When that realization struck me, my knee-jerk reaction was to be angry and upset that D had created such a public forum to discuss something deeply personal and private. All the caution and discretion used creating and maintaining it kept our identities hidden, but the content of what is here made me feel vulnerable and exposed. I saw this space as a forum for D to have conversations she either felt were inappropriate for the dynamic or, for whatever reason, simply did not want to have with me.
As I read through every post, the range of emotions I experienced were too numerous and varied to articulate succinctly, but they include: guilt at having hurt her feelings; arousal reading erotic material about me; defensive anger when accused; pride when she made possessive comments on my being her boy (still one of my favorite things to hear); shame when I saw I’d let her down, etc. A pretty wide spectrum.
By the time she called me out, I had found peace with it. Overall, the sentiments I feel the most now are honored and valued. I’m honored D would take the time and spend the energy to use this as a platform for making something special even better. Of course, she uses the blog for many other interests and topics besides ‘us’, but I am honored to be included among them.
Yes, I know; I’ve failed to answer the last part of the question. While I hate to withhold things, that particular moment is too personal for the Internets, even the anonymous Internets.
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  One Response to “submissive says: I’m J?”

  1. J seems like an intelligent, self-reflective, and descent guy.

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