Year in Review: Pop Culture Malapropisms & Mix-ups
Instead of the typical “year in review” stuff, I figured I’d do something a little different. Besides, I self-reflect, introspect, and navel-gaze all year round. :)
For your end-of-year reading pleasure, I give you my top six pop culture malapropisms, mix-ups, and confusions of 2013 — things I fucked up, mixed up, and flip-flopped in my ADHD brain. Granted, the mix-ups may have been only momentary (fleeting and quickly corrected), but they took up space in my brain for a little while. They’re the mistaken notions that made me say “whoops,” “ha!” “oh,” or “holy shit, I’m glad I didn’t say that out loud!” (except when I did say it out loud…)
Counting down from #6 to #1…
#6: Doc Johnson | Doc Martens
Doc Martens makes extraordinarily ugly shoes. Doc Johnson makes strange looking dildos, and lots of them are ugly too. It’s an unfair comparison, really, comparing ugly to uglies, particularly because I don’t often wear dildos as a fashion statement (though they do look nice on me).
Anyway, in the summer, a friend of mine came over to my place to adopt some clothes and household items I didn’t need. She had recently broken up with her long-term girlfriend, moved out of their apartment, quit her job, and was starting graduate school in the fall — she was making a fresh start without a much to start with.
After going through the kitchen items, I dragged a bunch of shoe boxes out of the closet upstairs and piled them on my bed for her to look through.
“Hey… when you go upstairs, check out the Doc Johnson’s on the bed…” She looked at me like I was nuts. “Don’t look at me like that. They’re brand new, and I know you need them. Aren’t Doc Johnsons a requirement for lesbians?” I joked.
We’re close enough that I can joke around with her… but I fucked it up. Making a joke about a lesbian needing ‘lesbian shoes’ is one thing. Making a joke about a lesbian needing dildos is another thing entirely. (Besides getting Doc Martens and Doc Johnsons confused, I was actually thinking of Birkenstocks… double fail.)
#5: Megan Fox | Megyn Kelly (from FOX)
A couple of weeks ago, people were outraged by some Transformers actress talking shit about Santa Claus. I couldn’t figure out why anyone cared. Seriously… Transformers isn’t exactly high art and Santa Claus isn’t real… so… why the fuck was it big news?
When I finally watched the video, I realized the Santa-shit-talker wasn’t Megan Fox (the actress from Transformers, married to the guy from 91210). It was Megyn Kelly from FOX “News.”
I see what my brain did there.
Anyway, Megyn Kelly told kids that Santa is white, and that’s kind of a dick move to kids whose Santa is black, or brown, or lime green. But honestly, Santa isn’t white, nor black, nor lime green, because Santa is dead. Apparently, so is journalism.
#4: Louis C.K. | Andrew W.K.
In March, I was pretty excited about the upcoming HBO premier of Louis C.K.’s new stand-up special, “Oh My God.” It wasn’t surprising to see him making the rounds of late night talk shows, hosting SNL, or in HBO spots to promote it.
But then I read that C.K. signed on to be the spokesperson for some sort of after-sex wet-wipe… and I was confused as fuck. While he talks a lot about jerking off, I didn’t see how endorsing a come rag would help promote his special. What the fuck would they be called anyway? Louie’s Gooey Removers? C.K.T.M.I. Wipes?
Anyway, it turns out I wasn’t paying attention when I skimmed my daily comedy/music/sex/news websites. It wasn’t Louis C.K.; it was musician Andrew W.K. who, apparently, signed with Platex to pitch their “Fresh + Sexy Wipes.” Honestly, now that I think about it, Andrew W.K. makes even less sense than Louis C.K.
#3 to #1 in the next installment…