Dec 212013
 

The other day, I posted a photo “inspired” by one of my past posts. This was J’s response:

I just saw that random ‘sweet boys’ on the internet are sending you pics that suggest your writing has inspired them to slash their wrists. If I knew that’s what made you smile, I would have started doing selfies with nooses around my neck, or being lowered into shark tanks, or running across the highway at rush hour…
jealous guy

composite based on “14 – Roxy Music – Jealous Guy” (& record) © 2010 Klaus Hiltscher, licensed under
(CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

I couldn’t tell if he was joking around or annoyed, so I asked.

He was both — “Yes. I was just joking around. But also, yes, I cannot help but grit my teeth.” Ultimately, he decided he was “a little jealous and 3/4ths joking,” so it wasn’t a big deal.

To the best of my memory, I’ve only purposefully tried to make J jealous once. It was more than two years ago after a disagreement that I wasn’t quite over yet (despite saying I was). The combination of hurt feelings, my inability to hide them, and too much vodka brought out the worst in me, and I was a jerk. I felt awful about it, apologized sincerely, and that was the end of that.

I’ll be the first to admit my areas of immaturity and insecurity, but evoking jealousy isn’t usually one of the ways those flaws manifest. (I’m also terribly prideful, and driving a partner to jealousy seems desperate.)

So I don’t try to make J jealous, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it when it happens. :)

I enjoy his jealousy because it reinforces my desirability — it makes me feel valued and wanted.

But I also enjoy J’s jealousy because it brings out all the beautiful, blunt, brutish, stereotypically masculine characteristics that an educated, independent feminist isn’t supposed to appreciate. Forgive me for using the term (because I hate it), but J is an ‘alpha male’ — he’s strong, good-looking, smart, assertive, and confident for all the right reasons. He’s all of those things AND he’s submissive to me.

His submission doesn’t mean he’s any less assertive or aggressive, it just means he tempers those characteristics with me. But I still like seeing them. I guess when he’s jealous, that positions me as the subject of his machismo, not the target — or perhaps the reason, but not the recipient.

Anyway, I don’t know whether it’s lizard brain or enculturation, but I can’t help that I like it. When he lights up with a little jealousy, I turn into equal parts possessive-predator and wanton-girl-puddle.

Immature? Sure.

A turn on? Fuck yes.

 

  8 Responses to “on jealousy”

  1. Anyway, I don’t know whether it’s lizard brain or enculturation, but I can’t help that I like it. When he lights up with a little jealousy, I turn into equal parts possessive-predator and wanton-girl-puddle.

    OK, I would have to say that, in your particular case, it’s most likely the former. From what little I know about you, I would say that you are less likely than many to be shaped by the “norms” of society. You seem to me, to be a very independent thinker… Just my opinion

    I don’t see a problem with liking it either. I was with someone for over 13 years, who never had a jealous bone in her body… until one time. I wasn’t trying to make her jealous, but she took issue with a co-worker calling me at home a few times. I have to say, it felt good to think that I was actually desirable. Call me immature, but FUCK YEAH!… I thought I had become invisible. I think we are hard wired to want to be desirable.

    • Call me immature, but FUCK YEAH!… I thought I had become invisible. I think we are hard wired to want to be desirable.

      Well, if you’re immature, then it’s you and me both. :)

  2. Jealousy is a horrible emotion. Utterly horrible. It makes you hate the person you’re supposed to love and hate the person who has supplanted you, or partially supplanted you, in their affections.

    Worse than that, you secretly want to *be* the person that you’re jealous of so that you can appropriate whatever secret it is that has enabled them to find a way to your lover’s heart. Wanting to be someone that you hate is hugely destructive.

    The good news is that once you’ve loved and lost a few times, and then bounced back, you become immune to it.

    • Hmm… I’m not sure I’ve experienced this sort of jealousy before, either myself or from a partner. Of course, it’s not the sort of thing I court.

      As for loving and losing, I’m going to lose anyway, so it’s not something I’m too concerned about in my current relationship. It sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

  3. I love a little bit of the male stuff I’m not supposed to as an independent, intelligent woman as well, just seems as though I can’t help myself. And my husband is definitely alpha male, it is secretly thrilling that possessiveness of me and his desire to be my entire world can be disrupted slightly, enough for him to show me that he still desires and wants me just as fiercely after years of marriage, and three kids.

  4. There are times when I think about my partner getting jealous and protective and getting super aggressive to the point of punching someone out….. and this independent, pacifist, feminist turns into a pile of goo. I can’t help it!

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