Nov 122013
 

sex-and-candy-2I don’t want to lick chocolate sauce off your cock (it’s not an ice cream sundae). I have no desire to tongue M&Ms out of your butt crack or eat hush-puppies off your taint.

Don’t dip your balls in Nutella (despite what might appear to be a veiled suggestion in the product name). Don’t stick your cock in a doughnut (despite the convenient hole in the middle).

Don’t ejaculate onto my nachos, come in my coffee, or ‘load’ my baked potato. (I will fucking cut you.)

I don’t want you to lick whipped cream off my breasts (my nipples do not need ‘fixins’). I don’t want you to suck marshmallows out of my pussy or eat Pop Rocks out of my asshole.

I prefer to be eaten plain (I do not need a garnish), and I prefer my rimming without sugar or salt.

I won’t hump your Delmonico, squirt on your salad, or ‘glaze’ your pastries.

There will be no fucking of frankfurters, coming on cucumbers, or fingering with fingerlings… (at least not in my bedroom).

Are we clear?
candy
Yes, I enjoy a good meal and I enjoy great sex… but that does not mean I want to enjoy them together.

If you’re currently having (or hope to have) sex with me, please… for the love of all things Iron Chef, don’t combine the two. Food stays in the kitchen or the dining room. Sex is for the bedroom (and anywhere else that isn’t for food preparation or dining).

Honestly, I envy those who can combine sex and food. Sometimes stopping to eat in the middle of a six hour sex/play session seems like a terrible waste of time. But eating during sex? It’s just not my thing.

The only time I consider food as foreplay is when I make a fabulous dinner before we fuck.

The only food item I approve for sex is ginger, but that’s not for oral administration.

The only thing I want eaten in the bedroom is pussy.

…or cock, if you’re lucky ;)

 


“Pop Rocks” © by Ged Carroll, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
“Nutella” © 2011 by allison.hare, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
“Marshmallows” © 2010 by  Kate Ter Haar, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

 

  20 Responses to “I’m horny, not hungry”

  1. Eating hush puppies off a taint…

    This image is a killer of all thought, murderer of all appitites, slayer of all libido. I am scarred forever. Hush puppies no more forever. My soul will sing no more. *lays down and dies*

    • I’ve destroyed hush-puppies for you? And a southern boy, no less. *sigh*

      Perhaps you’d like something else? I think I have a kale bikini around here somewhere…

      Or maybe you’d want to be my collard green? ;)

      • “Or maybe you’d want to be my collard green?”

        ‘Collard green’? Ha! *Now* I get it! Goddammit, I think you may be a genius. Either that or you are five years old. And the answer to your question is yes. YES!

  2. I hadn’t actually thought of doing any of those things
    but thanks for planting the thoughts (very inventive)
    Ive made a list
    a little like a sexual bucket list
    and I laughed as well

    • Ive made a list a little like a sexual bucket list

      Sounds like you’ll have a lot on your plate… or thereabouts. :)

      Not thrilled I’ve helped you make a list (keep it in the bucket, please!), but glad you had a laugh. :)

  3. ”The only time I consider food as foreplay is when I make a fabulous dinner before we fuck.”

    I’m right with you here, except the way I cook, the most exciting thing that has ever happened after dinner was a kitchen fire. (Did you know that bread can catch fire?… It CAN! I was there!)

    ”…or cock, if you’re lucky ;)”

    … and “getting lucky” meant grabbing that last piece of unburnt garlic bread when she wasn’t looking.

    • (Did you know that bread can catch fire?… It CAN! I was there!)

      I haven’t yet caught bread on fire (breadmaker! genius!), but I’ve set my fair share alight… casualties include cloth napkins, pizza, and the post-flames-named “napalm chicken.”

      I’m right with you here, except the way I cook, the most exciting thing that has ever happened after dinner was a kitchen fire.

      Aaaand that’s why I don’t let anyone cook unless I’m absolutely sure they can make a better meal than me. I am, so far, unchallenged for the title. (of course, it’s only the title of best chef in my own house…but still!)

      and “getting lucky” meant grabbing that last piece of unburnt garlic bread when she wasn’t looking.

      I’m going to assume ‘unburnt garlic bread’ is a euphemism, right…? :)

  4. yes…. there’s no worse a buzz kill than crumbs in the bed, or various orifices.

    Mick

  5. I happen to like sploshing. Ok, like it a lot. But then, we know we’re doing it right when our sex life has an aftermath.

    But I’m mostly jumping in to rave about hush puppies. I grew up in Texas, and they do hush puppies with fried seafood — particularly catfish — but haven’t figured out that it should be added to barbecue.

    As much as I like both the Texas- and Carolina-style barbecues… Oh, man, hush puppies

    • I happen to like sploshing. Ok, like it a lot. But then, we know we’re doing it right when our sex life has an aftermath.

      Squick! Of course YKINMY… if it works for you, splosh away! But with that said, I like aftermath, but not the sort that requires a ShopVac. I prefer the aftermath on my partner, not on my sheets. :)

      But I’m mostly jumping in to rave about hush puppies. I grew up in Texas, and they do hush puppies with fried seafood — particularly catfish — but haven’t figured out that it should be added to barbecue.

      I assume that’s because deep frying is difficult to do outdoors? I deep fried a turkey outside once… hushpuppies would be a hell of a lot easier.

      Mmm-mmm… I like southern food, but I LOVE southern boys. :)

  6. I’m one of those freeks who occasionally enjoys mixing food with my fuck. especially when the food is ice pops and the fuck involves cold play… ahem… that said, i totally understna why its a turn off for some, and most of the time it’s too much hassle and mess to be worth it.

    Thank you for the laughs!

    • especially when the food is ice pops and the fuck involves cold play

      I have used ice during play in a variety of ways. I like chilling metal implements, and one of my favorite things to do is to stick ice chips in his urethra. :)

      I wouldn’t use anything other than plain water for the ice, though — sugar is sticky, food coloring stains, and either could cause infections.

      And yes — even that is a hassle!

      Thank you for the laughs!

      You’re most welcome. :)

  7. I’m all with you DD. Definitely unadulterated cunni honey.

    But your post did remind me of a rather hot afternoon romp. My little Chinese nymph didn’t tell me she had had hot spicy noodles for lunch. Lets just say her kisses and blow job were “hot”. I just hope I got sufficient transference from our kissing so that she got some of her own back when I dined at the Y.

    • Ok, well, I struggle with the language of ‘food’ for sex acts too, I guess. :)

      I’ve only recently become semi-comfortable with the phrase ‘eating pussy,’ and most of the time, it still makes me cringe.

      “dining at the Y” definitely makes me wince, and “unadulterated cunni honey” turns my stomach a little.

      When it comes to sex/eating euphemisms, I can’t hang. :)

  8. Ginger? *does google search* Holy fuck, I just discovered figging. I seriously hope master never finds out about this. *crosses legs* My vagina is scared.

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