Nov 232013
 
I don’t want another dominant after you.

He said it in writing, when he wasn’t in reach, wasn’t naked, and wasn’t under my thumb.

I don’t recall the conversation, but in it, he suggested that after we split and after some time had passed, he might seek out kinky women, maybe a submissive, but not another dominant. He said no other dominant could compare.

I smiled at his sweetness, my heart lurching with sadness and leaping with joy (I’m beginning to suspect the feeling is the same regardless of the impetus or emotion that evokes it.)

But still, I never quite believe him when he says such things. I could be incomparable, but not with the distance between us, and not with the specter of our transience looming large.

Don’t say that.
You don’t know how you’ll feel after we split.

Though my objection may have seemed altruistic, it wasn’t. My objection wasn’t about his limiting his future happiness. It was about his articulation of something I don’t think either of us believes. It’s not that he’s being dishonest or telling me what I might want to hear, it’s just that he says things without thinking, and I’m incapable of hearing without thinking.

I won’t have another dominant.
There won’t be any after you.

He said it again last weekend while we were winding down in bed.

The right thing to do would have been to respond as I had done before, but this time, the words wouldn’t come. When he’s mine, when he’s naked and curled in my arms with his head on my breast, I can’t bring myself to wish him happiness in some future life without me. I couldn’t will my mouth to form the words.

It’s not that I don’t want him to be happy. I do. I really, really do. (I’ve gambled so much of my own happiness on his happiness that the degree to which I’m bluffing matters less than the fact I made the call.)

impression, n.:
1: an effect, feeling, or image retained as a consequence of experience.
2: the effective action of one thing upon another; influence; the effect of such action.
3: a change produced in some passive subject by the operation of an external cause.
4: the effect produced by external force or influence on the senses or mind.

I want him to be happy, but I also want to make my mark. I want to be so much, so good, so perfect (for him) that my presence makes an impression and my absence leaves a void.

Some part of me hopes that no one will ever love him as much as I do. I’m not even sure it’s possible. I can’t imagine he’ll find someone who will love him harder, wants him more, or is as hungry for him as I am.

The selfless part of me hopes he will.

The selfish part of me isn’t so sure.

 


Oxford English Dictionary and The Free Dictionary
thumbnail image, “808s and Heartbreak” © 2010 by Matthew McManus, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

 

  11 Responses to ““I don’t want another dominant””

  1. Ambiguity at its most poignant. Thank you for sharing and for making my heart ache in empathy. You are right, the physical feeling is the same. Joy and sadness. My heart is bursting. My heart is tearing apart.

    • You are right, the physical feeling is the same. Joy and sadness. My heart is bursting. My heart is tearing apart.

      In so many ways, it is exactly the same. I’m not sure I ever realized it until recently. Perhaps that’s why being too happy sometimes scares me — since the feelings are often difficult to distinguish, I waste much of my happiness waiting for the other shoe to drop (or the Under Toad). I guess in this case, I know falling shoes are coming…

      Thanks for the sweet words, Night Owl. :)

  2. “But still, I never quite believe him when he says such things. I could be incomparable, but not with the distance between us, and not with the specter of our transience looming large.”

    I can only speak from personal experience here, so pardon me if I am off the mark.

    Irrespective of what you may feel right now, when you have loved someone as deeply and hungrily as you have done, it will have left an indelible mark that neither time or distance can ever completely erase. He will have other relationships, but none will be exactly like the one you had, and even after finding happiness again, never doubt that you have been firmly woven into the tapestry of his life and that part of you will always remain. I believe that those who touch us in a positive way, all contribute to making us better, more centered, and more complete people than we were before they crossed our paths. You have done more for him than you probably realize.

    You presence in his life *has* made an impression, but more importantly, rather than leaving a void, I think you have built a special place in his heart, and he will go there from time to time, to remember how good it was.

    • I believe that those who touch us in a positive way, all contribute to making us better, more centered, and more complete people than we were before they crossed our paths. You have done more for him than you probably realize.

      Thank you for this, Slapshot. :)

      rather than leaving a void, I think you have built a special place in his heart, and he will go there from time to time, to remember how good it was.

      That’s a much more positive way of thinking of it, and actually, it makes me more comfortable in having the thought at all. Thank you. :)

  3. I actually agree with everything that slapshot said so eloquently. What you two have in this moment is unique and will remain so.

    I know attention makes you feel better so consider it paid your way.

  4. I agree with slapshot as well. So beautifully said, too. I have told my Master that he will be my only. We’re older folk, but loving and being with Him (we’re not 24/7), I cannot imagine having the heart to pursue another when we part (and that parting won’t be for any reason other than one of us dying). You have built a foundation of love and Dominance that I doubt anyone could fill for him. He’ll find love again, someday, but what you two have is special, rare, very rare. And he will carry this forward through his entire life–as surely as if you tattoo’d your mark on his soul. This — reading this– is so bittersweet. I ache for you both.

    nilla

    • Thanks, Nilla.

      Is has been bittersweet — I try to focus on the sweet more than the sad, but sometimes I just have to put the sad somewhere. I know it makes for melancholy blog reading, but it makes me feel better to know others are reading and have similar feelings. :)

  5. So much ‘me too’ing at this:

    “I want him to be happy, but I also want to make my mark”

    I found out in a roundabout way (long story) that my ex boy doesn’t like to talk to his (no-longer-new) girlfriend about me. And selfishly, I love that. I LOVE IT. It makes me feel like he has carved a little private place out for me, and he keeps me safe there, no-one is allowed to touch what we shared.

    I hope he’s happy, I’m sure he is. But that piece of him… that’s mine, and I adore knowing that he feels that also.

    Ferns

  6. Again. I can read me and E. in that. You put so many things in perfect words. I don’t know what to say except thank you.

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