Oct 072013
 

domme-house-rules-5

Because of the nature of our relationship — the distance and the eventual expiration date — I never gave J any rules to follow when he’s here. Setting up routines and structure for something infrequent, unpredictable, and temporary felt unnecessarily formal and melodramatic.

But now that it looks like he might spend a bit more time here, I’m giving him more of a presence in my home and a new set of rules and routines to follow when he’s here.
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House Rules and Routines

Arrival

When you arrive at my place, immediately after greeting me, you will put all of your personal belongings away in the coat closet — your wallet and keys, your laptop and work materials, etc. — everything except your phone. If you’ve brought anything for us (wine, groceries, etc.), you may put them in the kitchen or wherever appropriate.

After you’ve put your things away, you will go upstairs and brush your teeth, wash your face, and shave (and/or shower, if needed).

You will then change out of your clothes and into the ones I’ve bought for you. I purchased several items of clothing for you to wear while you’re here — casual t-shirts and jeans, more formal attire, undershirts, underwear, and socks, pajamas, and a few pairs of shoes. These items belong to me and they will stay here — you may not take them when you go.

Collar

After you freshen up and change your clothes, you must bring me your collar and ask to wear it.

You are not permitted to take your collar off, and you aren’t allowed to put it on yourself. I will put it on you when you arrive, and I will take it off when appropriate (before we go out, when we go to sleep, before you leave, etc.).

If we go out, as soon as we return, you must bring me your collar and ask to wear it. If you wake up before me, you may shower and move about the house, as soon as you know I’m awake, you must bring it to me and ask to wear it.

Communications

When we’re together, you must keep your phone on silent or vibrate at all times. If it vibrates to indicate an incoming call, you must ask permission to answer. If it notifies you of a text message, you must ask permission to check it. You will also ask permission before making calls or sending messages.

Of course, there are exceptions, including situations where you expect an important call from work, or situations when you might be waiting to hear from friends or family. In the case of these exceptions (when you need to leave your ringer on or when you must take calls or messages immediately), you should notify me when you arrive or as soon as you know.

Your Room

The spare room upstairs is now your room. Your clothes (my clothes) are already hung and folded in the closet. There is no bed (in general, you will sleep with me), but I expect the sofa and furniture there will be enough for your needs.

If I am busy or if I have to leave the house, you may go to your room to read, rest, or work. To be clear, you don’t have to stay in your room when I’m busy or out (you are free to move about the house) — I just thought you might like to have a space of your own and some privacy if you need it.

Computer Use for Work or Entertainment

In your room, you will find a small desk and office chair I had delivered last week, along with a computer and home-office supplies for your use.

Your computer is my older MacBook. I wiped it clean and installed a fresh copy of the operating system, browsers, an office suite, and a few additional applications. You’ve communicated your aversion to Macs on several occasions, but you’ve also admitted that you’ve never used one. This will force you to use one and see how they work. :)

Be advised there are application logs and browser trackers on the machine. They will keep a record of your application use, downloads, installations, and web browser activity, but they will not save any logins, passwords, or any other text typed into a browser. (In other words, it will not read or save login information, text from document files, or text in emails). I will show you how the trackers work so you know what information they record, but you will not be able to disable them.

Unless I’m busy or out of the house, you must ask permission to use the computer for any reason.

Your Bathroom

The bathroom across the hall from your room is now your bathroom. There you will find toiletries for showering, shaving, general hygiene, and grooming. You are not permitted to use any other bathroom in the house, with two exceptions: 1) when you are invited to shower or bathe with me, or 2) when we have guests. If we are downstairs and you need to use the bathroom, you will need to go upstairs to use yours. If you need to use the toilet in the middle of the night, you must go to yours — you may not use the master bath.

Leaving

At least an hour before you need to leave (preferably sooner), you must tidy your room and bathroom. Empty the wastebaskets, bring any dirty laundry down to the laundry room, and shut down the computer. When we say goodbye, I will remove your collar (I will return it to your room after you leave). When you return home, you must text or email me to let me know that you’re safe.

Within 36 hours of arriving home, I expect you to send me an email (to curb my inevitable anxiousness and worry) that includes the following:

  • your favorite sex/play moment of the weekend with a brief explanation
  • your favorite non-sexual, vanilla moment of the weekend with a brief explanation
  • a “damage report” that includes any marks you have or pain you feel
  • an explicit indication that you aren’t upset or angry with me
    • …unless you are upset or angry. In that case, I expect you to let me know by phone or in writing. This rule is still the most important to me: If something is wrong, if you have a question or a concern, if you need something I’m not giving you, or if you’re angry or upset with me for whatever reason, you need to let me know immediately, regardless of what you think my reaction will be. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating — you’re very important to me and I enjoy what we have. You need to help me to be sure we don’t break it.

     

 


Image based on “Rules of the Inn 1786” © 2003 by Dan Brady, Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license [CC BY 2.0]

 

  18 Responses to “new house rules”

  1. Those are some wonderfully well-thought-out rules. They all serve a purpose, even if that purpose is simply personal preference. None of them are onerous or unrealistic, and they actively create opportunities to exercise your dynamic. Absolutely marvelous.

    • Thank you, Neo. :) I’m a big believer in setting reasonable expectations–for my partner, for me, and for the relationship. While it might have been fun to dictate a bunch of weird, specific rules, that would mean I’d have to pay attention and enforce them. I know myself well enough to realize I’d forget and/or lose interest pretty quickly!

      I’m hoping these serve as small reminders to reinforce the dynamic, and I hope there’s enough consideration and sweetness in there to balance out what might otherwise be burdensome. I hope… :)

  2. Being completely unfamiliar with these types of rules, I once again find myself realizing I could never, ever be a sub. And then I wonder if I have the confidence/gall/balls/cajones to ever be a Domme.

    I like how explicit and detailed your rules are…. and the room for privacy and his own space is very touching and considerate. Had I been writing my own set of rules, I probably would not have considered that an option. I am a bit curious about the toilet rule…. has he always had to use the other toilet? Or just now?

    • the room for privacy and his own space is very touching and considerate. Had I been writing my own set of rules, I probably would not have considered that an option

      Yes, it’s ultimately considerate, but it all comes from self-centeredness (I swear!). I hate being ‘stuck’ somewhere (out in public or at someone else’s place) without a tiny place of my own. If I were spending lots of time at his house, I would want some small place that’s ‘mine’ to go to if I needed space to think, or breathe, or just retreat.

      I am a bit curious about the toilet rule…. has he always had to use the other toilet? Or just now?

      This rule is new. Previously, he’s been ‘allowed’ to use any bathroom in the house. It’s a rule for two reasons:

      1. There’s only a short hall between the master bedroom and master bath — there are no doors between the two. The only door is on the water closet. It annoys me when he comes to use the toilet and I’m at the vanity brushing my teeth (or whatever). That one water closet door isn’t enough separation for me!

      2. (Prepare for unfair generalization) Boys are messy. They accidentally pee on the toilet seat, the splash water on the mirror, they fail to rinse the sinks, and they shed hair. (I hate finding a chest hair on the sink or on the toilet–I know it’s not pubic hair, but it looks like it!).

      J is no slob, but he’s not as neat as I am. While I could make him be neater or make him clean the bathroom, I don’t actually care that much. As long as his boy mess is somewhere else (his bathroom), I’m happy. :)

  3. I love the concept of having rules for two reasons. First of all, In my mind, it reinforces the D/s dynamic, and as Neophyte said, you have opportunity to express your dominant nature. Secondly, I feel it shows your concern for his actions, feelings, and safety. As a submissive, I find that having a structure is helpful and that it is a way of showing care and concern. The worst thing to be told would be: “Whatever, do what you want”

    Best of all, the geek in me truly appreciates the mandatory MAC usage rule. (A swoon worthy kink if ever there was one) When my ex comes over and has to use my computer, she is forced to use Linux because that’s all I run here. After trying it a few times, she’s gotten over her slavish devotion to Windows and now prefers Linux to her windows 8 laptop. WIN!

    • As a submissive, I find that having a structure is helpful and that it is a way of showing care and concern. The worst thing to be told would be: “Whatever, do what you want”

      This is been a very important lesson for me to learn. I hadn’t provided a lot of structure in my current relationship for two reasons 1) I had incorrectly assumed that more freedom was preferable, and 2) it is a lot of work to set up structure, and even more work to reinforce it and hold someone else accountable.

      More recently, I’ve come to understand that we both need some structure to reinforce our roles and maintain our investment in the relationship. I think I found a happy medium that means more structure for him without a lot of additional work for me. I imagine we will need to make adjustments, but I’m pretty flexible. :)

      Best of all, the geek in me truly appreciates the mandatory MAC usage rule.

      I know, right? :) Over the course of our entire relationship, he’s had perpetual issues with his various PCs. I keep telling him that a Mac is worth the additional cost because it will ultimately last longer than a PC, and bonus, there’s almost no maintenance required.

      I’m really really hoping he comes around in his thinking, because I’m 100% sure he’ll be less frustrated and more productive if he gets a machine that doesn’t require constant tinkering, cleaning, and fixing. My fingers are crossed!

  4. Love this. I’ve always had mixed feelings about formal rules like this b/c they reinforce the dynamic, but they often feel so arbitrary. I love the thought you’ve put into these rules, to make them serve functions in your daily life.

  5. Whats with all the rules?! Sheesh Dominant women *laughs* Just kidding. Rules can be good.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez218

    • Wha, what? For realz… he gets a shit ton of new clothes, his own room with brand new furniture, a ‘new’ computer, and me. Really… he gets ME!

      Isn’t that worth a couple of silly little rules? ;)

      Don’t answer that… just take my word for it. It’s worth it. :)

  6. Thanks for sharing your rules online! My question is about your tracking his computer usage. What role does this serve in your dynamic? Do you often check his web history? Do you have limits on certain ways he can use the computer (eg no porn unless you’re around to pick it)?

    • Thanks for the questions, Em. :)

      What role does this serve in your dynamic?

      It doesn’t serve an important role, if any. (For the record, I never intended every rule to serve or strengthen the dynamic… this particular one is simply because I’m curious.)

      The only role this plays is that we both think it’s hot if I monitor his reading habits. :) Besides that, knowing what sort of porn he frequents might provide me with additional information that I can use to my advantage. Even if it doesn’t, I’m just curious about what material he spends his time on.

      Do you often check his web history?

      Never. At least not before the ‘new rules.’. He has his own computer, and I have no right to ask to see what’s on it.

      Do you have limits on certain ways he can use the computer (eg no porn unless you’re around to pick it)?

      Not at all, The only thing I’ve ever asked him is to share any porn that he finds particularly compelling. I don’t discourage his porn viewing… I actively encourage it. I just want to know about what he finds hot and why. He’s endlessly fascinating to me… the more information, the better! ;)

      • Thanks for answering! It means a lot when bloggers respond to questions from readers. I think it’s really cool to hear you both find it hot if you monitor his web habits. Brings to mind all too current perverted NSA fantasy role plays… but maybe now that’s just me projecting ;D

        I’m also curious about how these rules came to exist. Who thought of them first, how did you negotiate them, what’s the transition period where you test out a new rule like, when/if you’ve thrown out rules, etc. Maybe that’s another blog post? hint hint? I love reading about people’s experiences with developing D/s protocol. :)

        • you both find it hot if you monitor his web habits. Brings to mind all too current perverted NSA fantasy role plays

          Ha! You’re right, there is a bright side of the NSA monitoring scandal!

          Who thought of them first, how did you negotiate them, what’s the transition period where you test out a new rule like, when/if you’ve thrown out rules, etc. Maybe that’s another blog post? hint hint?

          Unfortunately, I’m not sure any of it is interesting enough to warrant another blog post. :)

          I guess I thought of them first, and only because we’re making arrangements to clear some time in our schedules to spend more time together, and that means he’ll be spending more time at my place.

          I was buying him some clothes to keep here, and I had a quick moment of realization that annoyed me… “he’s going to take these clothes with him when he moves away.” That thought was quickly followed by “fuck him and fuck his moving away!”

          Then I realized I could tell him whatever it was I bought him could never leave my house. The thought was oddly comforting… and thus, more rules were made.

          There was no real negotiation with these. I would have been open to it, but neither of us saw any need (they’re simple enough and nothing I’m asking is all that weird or difficult).

          As for transition period, I hadn’t given it much thought. I guess if we realize something isn’t working, we’ll talk it out and see if something needs tweaking.

          So far, I don’t think we’ve thrown out any rules — not even the old ones. We’ve had to revisit the “do what you say you will / follow through” rule, but it’s still something I expect, even if he fails to deliver from time to time.

          We’re a work in progress. :)

  7. I may or may not bookmark this to give me ideas when I have some mysterious boy in my future to give rules to.

    This is great, D. Love the thought (and selfishness :P) that went into it. I hope they all work out well for both of you.

  8. Am I allowed to say I had a feeling he might have stuck around longer than your feared deadline? You guys are so sweet.

    • Am I allowed to say I had a feeling he might have stuck around longer than your feared deadline?

      Oh. I may have confused some folks with this post. He’s still leaving. :( We know when — we’ve got a firm (and feared) deadline.

      We’ve just decided to try to spend as much time together as we can in the months before he goes. I guess we’re saying “fuck you, fate,” and trying to go out on our own terms.

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