Oct 252013
 

In general, I appreciate J’s turn-ons and his ‘submissive triggers,’ particularly when they work in my best interest and when I can use them to my advantage.

But the nail clipping thing is a strange case. For him, I think it’s more of a turn-on than a trigger. It’s something he associates with submissiveness, but one that doesn’t actually serve to make him more submissive… so, I don’t know. He’s a total slut for a good, hard, boyfucking. Maybe it’s just a slutty trigger? Anyway, what matters (for my rambling here) is my dissonance with it — it’s the fact that I don’t enjoy his reaction to it.

His anticipation of pleasure at something I clearly don’t find pleasurable makes an already bothersome task that much more distasteful to me. I guess part of my displeasure is my reading his thoughts and behaviors as greedy and selfish, as more concerned with what he wants than what I want.

Of course, I don’t begrudge him having wants, and I enjoy indulging him when I’m in the right headspace (when I’m happy, satisfied, and feeling attended to). If I’m already feeling great, I appreciate his eagerness and enjoy knowing what he wants.

When I’m not in a great headspace (when I’m feeling neglected, unimportant, or slighted), I read his communication of wants as selfish. His eagerness feels more like expectations, or worse, entitlement.

The danger in my perceiving his expectations as selfish is that if it’s too much, too specific, or too central, I feel as if I’m being pressured. It taps into into all the insecurities I already have about myself: Am I being myself or being what he wants? Am I dominant enough for this relationship? Am I taking too much or not enough? It taps into intermittent doubts I’ve had about the nature of our relationship and what J wants out of it: Is he interested in me or in ‘a dominant’? Is he pushing me to be what he wants me to be? Am I allowing myself to be pushed? Are our embodiments of dominance and submission compatible?

While I far more confident than I was two years ago, sometimes that little voice in my head makes me remember. It’s mostly quiet, but it’s always there. When it gets distracting, I wonder if it’s more his voice or mine…?

Regardless, in those moments, when I read him as too selfish and too focused on himself, I try to gently quiet both voices — the distant one inside my head and the one I think I hear from him. I remind us both of who I am — I am generous and playful, but also, I’m fiercely possessive of what’s mine.

What’s mine is what he promised me — his attention, his affection, and his valuing of my wants above his own.

I remind us both of who we are, what this is, and what we both agreed to.

When it goes well, it’s endearing to watch him struggle with himself, to fight against his own self-interests, to buffer his expectations and excitement.

But, it does not always go well. Sometimes I lack the assertiveness required to refocus him and adjust his motivation. Sometimes he’s just too far gone, too greedy, and too selfish. In a way, I guess I’ve failed to properly reinforce the notion that it’s in his own best interest to put my interests first.

 

  8 Responses to “eager boy and expectations”

  1. “I read his communication of wants as selfish. His eagerness feels more like expectations, or worse, entitlement.”

    The thing that the submissive male has to learn is to go into things blind, without expectation, and without trying to anticipate the outcome. Only then is one truly submissive.

    In that sense, D/s is a bit like jazz. You both know the basic riff or the melodic theme, but there has to be room for improvisation. That means *not* knowing exactly where you’re going next.

    In short, don’t anticipate if you want the joy of the unanticipated – it’s the Zen of submission.

    • The thing that the submissive male has to learn is to go into things blind, without expectation, and without trying to anticipate the outcome. Only then is one truly submissive.

      I bristle a little at the “truly submissive” thing, but I get what you’re saying (and in large part, I agree). So, question, GOS, if you are able to do this — go into a situation with no expectations — do you still have wants and desires? I guess what I’m asking is if you (and how you) separate what you want from what you expect.

      • “I bristle a little at the “truly submissive” thing”

        I don’t like being prescriptive in matters of ds either. But there’s a perennial complaint in femdom writing that some men are ‘not really’ submissive but simply using the ds scenario to get their personal kinks catered for without much regard for the domme.

        Your question is incredibly difficult to answer, but I’ll do my best. When entering submissive mode, I leave my own wants and desires at the door. All that matters is being used by her in whatever way *she* wants. Since I can’t predict what she’s going to want, I have no expectations.

        Note, this does *not* mean complete passivity on my part. I’m an active participant, but uppermost in my mind is what is most likely to please her. Her needs come first. What a submissive should be capable of above all is self-abnegation and total empathy.

        I hope this makes sense.

        • It absolutely does make sense, GOS. :) Thank you for articulating this. It seems to be an explanation and a strategy, and for that reason, it’s incredibly useful advice.

          Thanks for it!

  2. “When I’m not in a great headspace (when I’m feeling neglected, unimportant, or slighted), I read his communication of wants as selfish. His eagerness feels more like expectations, or worse, entitlement.”

    THIS. Exactly this. It feels like he’s calling the shots, defining things, trying to be in control. And when my headspace is less than great (usually for reasons outside the relationship), it becomes a trainwreck. I push him away, I am irritated at his attempts to engage me in D/s….bleh.

    Grumpyoldswitch has it right: “The thing that the submissive male has to learn is to go into things blind, without expectation, and without trying to anticipate the outcome. Only then is one truly submissive.”
    That’s pretty much how I see it, and when he doesn’t see it that way or isn’t there yet on his journey of submission, things clash and discordance reigns.

    • THIS. Exactly this. It feels like he’s calling the shots, defining things, trying to be in control. And when my headspace is less than great (usually for reasons outside the relationship), it becomes a trainwreck. I push him away, I am irritated at his attempts to engage me in D/s….bleh.

      Yes to this… yes, yes, yes, and sadly, yes. Boo for terrible headspace.

  3. I really liked what GOS wrote. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn. In the beginning of my BDSM journey, I entered a scene with a specific wishlist. Every time I was disappointed, and every time I completely missed the point of submitting. I’ve since learned to stop anticipating. Do I still have desires? Yes. (and we often discover what those things are when we rehash something afterwards). But what has become forefront in my focus is pleasing my Master or Domme or Top in the scene. I want to exceed their expectations, react to their cues correctly, be attentive, earn their approval and hear that “good girl” slip from between their smiling lips. There is certainly a Zen component to it–learning to “be” in that moment, not looking ahead to the next thing or if it’s going to be a thing that I desire. Sometimes, depending on the activity (pilling the pet, for example), it’s a real challenge to not think about myself first. However, the pay off is always far beyond what I could have anticipated.

    • hear that “good girl” slip from between their smiling lips

      FFS, Heather… even your comments are fuckinghot.

      (pilling the pet, for example)

      You know, that little revelation of yours (from some time ago) has turned into a full blown fantasy of mine… directing someone else to twist a sweet little sub… and then I get to watch it all at a distance… fuuuck. Hot….

      If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in my bunk…

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