In general, I appreciate J’s turn-ons and his ‘submissive triggers,’ particularly when they work in my best interest and when I can use them to my advantage.
But the nail clipping thing is a strange case. For him, I think it’s more of a turn-on than a trigger. It’s something he associates with submissiveness, but one that doesn’t actually serve to make him more submissive… so, I don’t know. He’s a total slut for a good, hard, boyfucking. Maybe it’s just a slutty trigger? Anyway, what matters (for my rambling here) is my dissonance with it — it’s the fact that I don’t enjoy his reaction to it.
His anticipation of pleasure at something I clearly don’t find pleasurable makes an already bothersome task that much more distasteful to me. I guess part of my displeasure is my reading his thoughts and behaviors as greedy and selfish, as more concerned with what he wants than what I want.
Of course, I don’t begrudge him having wants, and I enjoy indulging him when I’m in the right headspace (when I’m happy, satisfied, and feeling attended to). If I’m already feeling great, I appreciate his eagerness and enjoy knowing what he wants.
When I’m not in a great headspace (when I’m feeling neglected, unimportant, or slighted), I read his communication of wants as selfish. His eagerness feels more like expectations, or worse, entitlement.
The danger in my perceiving his expectations as selfish is that if it’s too much, too specific, or too central, I feel as if I’m being pressured. It taps into into all the insecurities I already have about myself: Am I being myself or being what he wants? Am I dominant enough for this relationship? Am I taking too much or not enough? It taps into intermittent doubts I’ve had about the nature of our relationship and what J wants out of it: Is he interested in me or in ‘a dominant’? Is he pushing me to be what he wants me to be? Am I allowing myself to be pushed? Are our embodiments of dominance and submission compatible?
While I far more confident than I was two years ago, sometimes that little voice in my head makes me remember. It’s mostly quiet, but it’s always there. When it gets distracting, I wonder if it’s more his voice or mine…?
Regardless, in those moments, when I read him as too selfish and too focused on himself, I try to gently quiet both voices — the distant one inside my head and the one I think I hear from him. I remind us both of who I am — I am generous and playful, but also, I’m fiercely possessive of what’s mine.
What’s mine is what he promised me — his attention, his affection, and his valuing of my wants above his own.
I remind us both of who we are, what this is, and what we both agreed to.
When it goes well, it’s endearing to watch him struggle with himself, to fight against his own self-interests, to buffer his expectations and excitement.
But, it does not always go well. Sometimes I lack the assertiveness required to refocus him and adjust his motivation. Sometimes he’s just too far gone, too greedy, and too selfish. In a way, I guess I’ve failed to properly reinforce the notion that it’s in his own best interest to put my interests first.