Oct 312013
how to turn on a domme

(or, “How to Trigger a Dominant’s Dominance”) So, I sorta made up a term “D/s triggers,” in order to make a distinction between turn-ons (things that make me want to fuck) and triggers (things that make me feel dominant…. and make me want to fuck). While I explained the difference, I didn’t identify my own ‘dominance triggers.’ I’m going to attempt to do that now… What triggers a dominant’s dominance? (or, her feelings of dominance) I can only speak for myself, of course, though not at any great length. I don’t know what triggers me until it happens, and even … [read more]

Oct 292013
turn-ons and triggers

In the sort of D/s arrangement I find myself in, I think of ‘turn-ons’ and ‘triggers’ differently. (For the record, I do not mean the triggers for which a trigger warning is required. I mean the mostly desirable ones.) While turn-ons are what you might expect — things that inspire sexual arousal or excitement — I think of triggers more within the context of D/s. In my mind, triggers are the actions, events, and experiences that evoke feelings of dominance or submissiveness. They increase an individual’s identification with their role and amplify their reification within it. For me, sexual arousal … [read more]

Oct 262013
ask J anything!

With the exception of one email and a few lines I’ve reproduced from our correspondence, J has had no voice here. That is as it should be — while most of what’s here involves our relationship, all of what’s here is in my voice, and from my perspective. It will stay that way… for the most part. Some time ago, I asked J if he would take reader questions and he seemed amenable. I wasn’t holding a flogger or his cock at the time, so the coercion factor was as low as it can be in a D/s arrangement. :) … [read more]

Oct 252013

In general, I appreciate J’s turn-ons and his ‘submissive triggers,’ particularly when they work in my best interest and when I can use them to my advantage. But the nail clipping thing is a strange case. For him, I think it’s more of a turn-on than a trigger. It’s something he associates with submissiveness, but one that doesn’t actually serve to make him more submissive… so, I don’t know. He’s a total slut for a good, hard, boyfucking. Maybe it’s just a slutty trigger? Anyway, what matters (for my rambling here) is my dissonance with it — it’s the fact that … [read more]

Oct 212013
playing without a safeword

I’ll see your Q, and I’ll raise you one A… What is your opinion on the usage of safety words or safe gestures? Does J have a safety word? Do you? My opinion…? Safewords are an important part of safe, sane, and consensual BDSM play. They’re vital for establishing trust, maintaining safety, and for ensuring that no one violates anyone else’s consent during play. In general, people should discuss them, use them, and respect them… but… J and I have been together more than two and a half years and we’ve played together… a lot. If I was playing with … [read more]