Sep 232013
 

You’ve got Qs? I’ve got As…


Would you ever “force-feminize” your boy just to explore what his feelings are like when he wears women’s lingerie? Even if he didn’t have a cross-dresser fetish? (I take it that Sissy boys don’t excite you all that much.)
No. For a couple of reasons, I won’t ever force-feminize J.

male-costumes

  1. First, forced feminization just isn’t something I’m interested in. I’m not curious about exploring whatever feelings he might have as a result of dressing like a woman, whether that be in women’s clothing or lingerie. For the record, I’m also not interesting in exploring his feelings while he’s dressed as a construction worker, Elvis, a banana, a Ninja Turtle, or a blue M&M, either. (Ok, I might be interested in exploring my feelings if J dresses up like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle…)
  2. Second, typically forced feminization is about humiliation (not about the ‘exploration of feelings’), and I’m not into humiliation play.
  3. Third, forced feminizing as humiliation is misogynistic, and nothing about misogyny turns me on. The idea that being a woman (or dressing or acting ‘feminine’) is degrading or humiliating relies on the assumption that being female/woman is less than being male/man. For the record, I don’t think there’s anything humiliating, demeaning, or shameful about being, feeling, acting, or dressing like a woman.
  4. Fourth, as you suggested, ‘sissy boys’ just don’t excite me — I don’t find men in women’s clothing arousing. While there have been some exceptions, in general, I’m attracted to stereotypically masculine features, characteristics, behaviors.

With that said, J put on fishnets and I spanked him once, and it was fucking hot. :) But it was a spur of the moment thing — my intent wasn’t to feminize him. In the moment, what turned me on was his willingness to do something he didn’t want to do. For the record, it hasn’t happened since and it’s not likely to happen again.

I’m having a seriously hard time picking a Domme name for myself. My husband and I have been together for over 9 years and we are dabbling in the BDSM scene. Any suggestions other than be original? Or maybe have a website with suggestions? I’ve spent countless hours online looking for help and can’t find any.
You’re asking me for help in choosing a name? Boy, you really must be desperate for ideas. :) Despite the fact that ‘Dumb Domme’ annoys me more with each passing day, I still haven’t come up with a better pseudonym for myself.
You know, you don’t need a scene name. There’s no rule that says you have to. If you’re going to be active in a local scene or post photos of yourself on sites like FetLife, then hiding your name won’t help much in protecting your identity.
mistress-sparkle-cuntWith that said, if you’re looking for a scene name and online handle that’s different from your first name, be sure to choose something you won’t feel stupid saying when you introduce yourself. “Ivana Payneyah” might look badass as an online handle, but imagine yourself saying, “I’m Ivana Payneyah, nice to meet ya” when you meet someone face to face. “Mistress Sparkle Cunt” might look adorable in an online forum, but it’s going to look ridiculous on a name badge.
If you’re looking for originality, avoid honorifics and BDSM-related titles. On Fetlife alone there are 44,368 subs, 32,736 masters, 25,310 slaves, 13,094 ladys, 11,301 mistresses, 3,777 goddesses, and 2,473 dommes.
Beware of animals, too. There are 8,998 wolfs, 7,770 kittys, 7,442 dogs, 4,788 dragons, and 2,553 tigers.
And stay clear of common ‘sex/y’ words. There are 36,354 angels (but only 3,709 devils), 12,516 hots, 11,388 sluts, 9,653 sexys, 4,427 naughtys, and 2,099 whores.
Maybe go for something old-fashioned. In terms of women’s names, there are only 15 Maudes, 10 Gertrudes, 6 Marjories, 5 Hildegardes, 2 Brunhildas, and no Ermengardes (none at all!). Perhaps one of those fits you? Ok… maybe not. I guess those names aren’t popular for a reason, right?
The best advice I can give you is to use Google Translate. Try picking out a word or phrase that’s meaningful or descriptive and see what it looks like and sounds like in other languages.
Do you have any specific recommendations of books to read concerning rope bondage? I am new to this and need the most basic type of information, type of rope to use, best body types to start with, etc. I am a female new to this and would like to find some of the grace as you have described previously. I love reading your blog! Have a great day.
I learned the basics of knot tying from my experiences rock climbing and sailing. When I became interested in bondage, I just looked at photos online and tried to replicate what I saw (with some success).
I did peruse some online resources, though, and they were extremely useful in helping me apply what I already knew about knots to bondage and restraint. For example, while I knew that different knots performed different functions, online resources made me realize that some knots are safer than others in bondage situations. (I learned that half-hitch knots and clove hitch knots aren’t safe to use on a partner’s wrists or ankles because they tighten under pressure and can cut off circulation.)
So unfortunately, no, I can’t recommend any books on rope bondage, but I suspect you can learn a lot from online resources. I strongly recommend Two Knotty Boys — their website, their Amazon author page (for paperbacks and Kindle books), and their YouTube videos.
Good luck finding your grace… and happy tying. :)

 

  8 Responses to “reader questions: forced femme, silly pseudonyms, and rope resources”

  1. Agree with you about forced feminisation being a coded reference to patriarchal misogyny.

    “On Fetlife alone there are 44,368 subs, 32,736 masters, 25,310 slaves, 13,094 ladys, 11,301 mistresses, 3,777 goddesses, and 2,473 dommes.”

    As someone with a fetish for mind-numbingly large databases full of obscure, recondite, and possibly pointless statistics, I’m really impressed by this.

    Well done.

    • As someone with a fetish for mind-numbingly large databases full of obscure, recondite, and possibly pointless statistics, I’m really impressed by this.

      Thank you, Grumpy. :) I wish my mind held statistics, but alas, the only things it seems to remember is useless pop culture factoids and the names of those who have wronged me…

  2. “forced feminizing as humiliation is misogynistic, and nothing about misogyny turns me on….”

    Thanks for that – it was my first thought (can we move it up one?).

    As to your name – I’ve thought many times it was quite the misnomer. Where ‘delightful Domme” might be a bit too chirpy, I would think something a tich more scholarly might be right… the Compleat Domme? Or something to do with your knotting skills.

    BTW, a few quick how-to on using ropes in BDSM might be good things… pictures always help. I wouldn’t know a half hitch from a overhand if it were on my wrist.

    • Thanks for that – it was my first thought (can we move it up one?)

      You’re right. It probably should be moved up (it is most important), but I wanted to emphasize that even more than disliking forced feminization because it’s misogynistic, I dislike it because I’m not into humiliating people I love (by any means… whether that be making him dress up in a French maid costume or as an M&M).

      As to your name – I’ve thought many times it was quite the misnomer. Where ‘delightful Domme” might be a bit too chirpy, I would think something a tich more scholarly might be right… the Compleat Domme?

      Thank you. I appreciate the compliment. :) As for “Compleat,” unfortunately, it makes me think of the microwavable dinners I’ve seen at the grocery store recently (they caught my attention because I couldn’t figure out why they used ‘compleat’ — since it caught my attention, I guess the marketing worked!). Microwavable dinners bring back too many memories of college… :)

      microwave dinner

      As for the rope tutorials, maybe I will do that some time! It’s a good idea. :)

      • No, you’re right about the order, this blog is about who you are and how you feel, after all. The point is very important, which is why you made it. Regardless, on all counts, I couldn’t agree more. This world makes humiliation a common event that I see no reason to bring into my relationships.

        “.. it makes me think of the microwavable dinners I’ve seen…”

        Oh, the bastards! That’s just wrong. The first time I heard of it used was in the movie “A River Runs Through It” (I’m definitely showing my age) – a strangely beautiful flick about fly-fishing. Well, a little bit more than that, but that’s where it starts. I hate it when the marketing machine co-opts my secret niches and memories. Damn.

  3. “Third, forced feminizing as humiliation is misogynistic, and nothing about misogyny turns me on. The idea that being a woman (or dressing or acting ‘feminine’) is degrading or humiliating relies on the assumption that being female/woman is less than being male/man. For the record, I don’t think there’s anything humiliating, demeaning, or shameful about being, feeling, acting, or dressing like a woman”

    This, OMG i have preach this time and time again, i personally dont like cross dressing or sissification, so many dommes have tried to convince me of the humiliation and how degrading it is and i have always said that. Only one girl who came and argued how she though it was cute, almost got me into it, but it wasnt for me. But yeah if you like how it looks is ok, even forcing your sub and enjoying him do something he doesnt want is ok, but please dont tell me is humiliating or degrading, if anything woman are strong and actual cross dressers are very brave for doing something deemed humiliating or degrading so cross dressing is anything but degrading, is a symbol of empowerment and strength.

    • Yes, to all of this.

      But yeah if you like how it looks is ok, even forcing your sub and enjoying him do something he doesnt want is ok, but please dont tell me is humiliating or degrading, if anything woman are strong and actual cross dressers are very brave for doing something deemed humiliating or degrading so cross dressing is anything but degrading, is a symbol of empowerment and strength.

      I totally agree — if you dress up because you like it, or because your partner likes it, then more power to you! But if you’re doing it because you like the humiliation you feel (or your partner feels) in dressing like a woman, then you’re part of the problem. If people are really into humiliation play, there are other ways to do it — ways that don’t make statements about the status of women.

      Why not make your sub dress up in old timey clothes and deliver a singing telegram? Or, if she or he really hates it, make them do karaoke! ;)

  4. “forced feminizing as humiliation is misogynistic, and nothing about misogyny turns me on. The idea that being a woman (or dressing or acting ‘feminine’) is degrading or humiliating relies on the assumption that being female/woman is less than being male/man”

    Fuck yes yes yes yes!!! This has been an actual deal breaker for me a few times. Not at all in the sense of a hard limit or even squick (I DO humiliation but I am very conflicted about its attraction for me) but in the sense of ideological unease and cognitive dissonance. I also find that those who think feminisation = humiliation are generally pretty sexist guys who think that washing up is submissive by definition, who like their women to be conventionally girly.

    On the other hand as somebody with a lifelong attraction to androgyny, pretty boys and bisexual guys in general, I find the idea let’s call it ”delighted/subversive feminisation and crossdressing” really fucking hot. Maybe not full drag (very few can pull this off convincingly) but underwear and stockings under a suit, oh yes.

    Incidentally, I find ”conventional” sissification with all the bows and kitty bells and pink petticoats not a little dubious, mostly because it seems to make statements about normative femininity. Took me a while to understand why/how this works and I am YKINMKBYKImostlyOK about it now, but I still shudder when I hear about a girlie cummie. Or cherry blossom fragrance. On the other hand it can be fun to reconstruct somebody’s notions of pretty from such to more palatable ones.

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