Sep 152013
 

A couple of months ago, Laina, a dominant woman in her first D/s relationship, emailed me for advice about her submissive boy. For the most part, Laina is happy with the relationship, but she’s puzzled by the fact her boy doesn’t seem to want her sexually. He doesn’t seem to have (or express) “pure, hot, carnal need” for her. (Of course, we all define ‘want’ and ‘desire’ differently, and we enact them in different ways–I suspect that’s part of the problem.)

After my own recent realization that I had accidentally trained J not to kiss me and subsequent musings on the expression of desire (struggle and aggressiveness vs. aggression), I remembered this email. It speaks to some of the same issues I’ve struggled with, so I figured I might post it to see if anyone–especially the submissives–could offer Laina (and me) an explanation.

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Hi D.,

I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year now (it’s one of the best out there). I love reading your perspective on things both banal and bad-ass. It’s always entertaining, mostly because I am also the wicked smart (ass) dominant female in my relationship.

This is my first real dom/sub relationship and my submissive is just perfect – he’s an intellectual, funny, sexy, and he takes what I offer him with amazing stride. He always tells me how beautiful I am and makes me feel like the most important person on the planet.

So everything is perfect right? Of course not (is it ever? Really?).

So here is the problem. Sometimes I wonder if he wants me for ME or for what I can (and do) do for/to him. You see, he never seems to want me sexually… pure, hot carnal need. It irritates both me and my ego.

Every relationship that I’ve had in the past (vanilla relationship) has involved boys who would tremble in my presence, but NOT because of fear/anticipation of what I might clamp onto them or stick into them. They were in awe of ME and my beauty (have I mentioned that I am smoking hot? ;D) and they wanted nothing more than to get me naked and fuck me. It’s a nice feeling… being crazy desired. I suppose I have come to expect this unabashed wanting and admiration, so when it did not present itself in my new relationship I was wondering if it was me or part of the submissive mindset.

For someone who says such beautiful things, I would think he would act on them physically. I want to be with a guy who I have to beat away (sometimes literally) with a stick (or a cane) because he wants me so badly. I just don’t get any of this with him.

If he just doesn’t feel it, I suppose that’s fine (no, it’s not), but if it’s in there somewhere, how do I go about accessing it?

I’m sure as fuck not going to just go up to him and ask him to attack me like I am an intoxicating sex goddess (I am…I really am). He should be doing that all on his own, right? RIGHT?! We don’t get the opportunity to see one another very often, so why doesn’t he take every available moment to caress, stroke, lick, kiss and otherwise adore me? Don’t submissive men know that even dominant women like this?

Being in a dom/sub dynamic is fucking amazing, but I don’t want to forgo the intoxication of want and need and carnal desire in order to have it. WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOTH? I don’t want to compromise.

Cheers,
Laina

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[my response to Laina, abridged]

Hi, Laina. :)

I’ve had the same frustrations, the same questions, and the same irritation as you do. But unfortunately, you’re going to get far more commiseration from me than answers or useful advice.

I don’t know how much of the blog you’ve read, but rest assured I’ve had similar experiences and similar frustrations.

As for whether or not the lack of pure, carnal need (or the suppression of desire, or failure to express desire) is part of the submissive mindset, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I’ve gathered about the prevailing ideas ‘out there’ in the ether, but frankly, I think they’re all total crap. (For the record, I can’t point to any one source–what’s below are my impressions based on what I’ve read and heard over the past couple of years.)

Submissives aren’t supposed to want.

Bullshit. Submissives want. Everybody wants. If the thinking is that they want, but aren’t supposed to want, that notion seems counterproductive to the nature of relationships in general. Relationships are about mutual fulfillment (among other things). If submissives didn’t want, then why would they seek out dominants?

Submissives have been trained not to voice desire.

To some tiny extent, I get this because the superficial, reductive explanation of D/s relationships is that they’re all about what the dominants’ want. In theory, this is fine for what it is (reductive and superficial). In practice, though, I call bullshit yet again. J voices desire all the time–he’s not shy about asking for what he wants. He asks me to hurt him, to use him, and to fuck him all the time. And yes, while we both enjoy those types of play, sometimes it feels like play is all about my expressing desire for him and never about him expressing desire for me. (Sure, he asks to lick my pussy all the time too, but even that feels more about him performing a service than about wanting me.)

Submissives don’t act on desire or express desire (specifically, the type of desire that’s enacted as lust for their dominants) because it ‘ruins the dynamic,’ or because it’s ‘topping from the bottom.’

To be clear, this seems limited to the types of seeing, touching, and enjoying that enact submissive’s desire theoretically separate from or unrelated to the dominant’s desire and pleasure. For example, wanting to see a dom naked because she’s fucking hot, wanting to grope a dom because he wants to feel her body, throwing a dom on the bed and fucking her silly because he wants to fuck her silly (all assuming the dominant is amenable, of course).

This ‘rationale’ feels manipulative to me. It feels like a warning to dominants to stay in their prescribed roles or else they might fuck up the dynamic. It feels like an excuse for submissives to be passive, only being ‘active’ insofar as the activity serves to satisfy the submissive’s own kinks.

Anyway, none of those lines of thinking helped me and I doubt they’ll help you. I wish I could offer you some advice, but seeing as how I sometimes struggle with the same issues, I have no words of wisdom. At least you know you aren’t the only one.

Best,
D
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So, what say you, submissives? 

  • What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever “pure, hot, carnal need”? Is it ever lust for your dominant?
  • Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?
  • If/when your desire is “pure, hot, carnal need,” do you act on it? How do you act on it?
  • Have ever acted on your desire and then felt it damaged the dynamic? Does acting on desire make you feel less submissive? Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant?
  • How do you ensure it doesn’t damage the dynamic?

 

  28 Responses to “how do submissives enact desire?”

  1. LOL. You dominants are such a mystery to me that it’s reassuring to find out that you can be confused by things which seem really obvious to us subs.

    Sub wants. Sub wants ferociously, desperately. Sub doesn’t know if his attentions are welcome to you at that very minute. If Sub genuinely places your desires above his, he hangs on to self-control by the skin of his teeth and manages not to do stuff which you might see as harassment. If Sub were a little smarter he’d realise that you might find that behaviour annoying momentarily but flattering in the long run, but even if Sub does realise it, he might not be confident enough to act on his judgement. It’s so much safer to be a good boy.

    In other words, I kind of see this as evidence that both of you are with guys for whom the following expressions are true:

    (1) Submissiveness, Self-control > Lust
    (2) Submissiveness > Intelligence, Confidence

    I realise that this is not the ideal state of affairs, but lots of people would love to have a problem like Sub, right?

    (Some of this is conjecture. As a straight female submissive, my hang-ups are similar but express themselves differently. I don’t really worry that my husband will think I’m trying to overpower him physically, but I do worry that if I say things which come straight from my desperately abjectly lustful aorta, he’ll think I’m mocking him by quoting Harlequin romances. And yes, when I got a little braver and finally said those things, he didn’t mind at all. Maybe in time I’ll even learn not to preface them with a little “I swear I am not making fun of you” disclaimer. But it’s still a lot easier to express my feelings by going over to his computer and waiting to be noticed and hugged. My reactions at that point generally convey the point quite effectively. :p)

    • LOL. You dominants are such a mystery to me that it’s reassuring to find out that you can be confused by things which seem really obvious to us subs.

      Well, in defense of dominants, I’m more easily confused by things than most. :)

      In other words, I kind of see this as evidence that both of you are with guys for whom the following expressions are true:

      (1) Submissiveness, Self-control > Lust
      (2) Submissiveness > Intelligence, Confidence

      What you say here makes a lot of sense, particularly because it’s mostly my own fault for squelching any enacting of desire on his part. I just wasn’t confident enough before.

      but I do worry that if I say things which come straight from my desperately abjectly lustful aorta, he’ll think I’m mocking him by quoting Harlequin romances.

      Oh, I love this :) I love pretty words and abjectly lustful aortas…

      But it’s still a lot easier to express my feelings by going over to his computer and waiting to be noticed and hugged.

      Yes… but… waiting to be noticed and hugged is different than what I’m after. J does this (kinda… puts himself in a position to be noticed and recognized as wanting affection), but it doesn’t speak to the sort of ‘I want your body, D’ lust I’m after.

      I get it though, for the reasons you mentioned–I suspect it is different (in general) for a female sub than it is for a male sub.

      Thanks for this, Yingtai. :)

  2. You better believe I can lust after a dominant woman. As you’ve found, though, submissive guys can easily struggle to express their lust within a dominant/submissive dynamic. I think that’s because many typical expressions of male lust are also actions that are generally considered dominant in the context of a relationship (or harassment/assault/misogyny outside of a relationship) — grabbing, etc.

    Why, just last night I had a fantasy of dominating someone — those fantasies don’t happen often for me, but they are an occasional thing. In this imagined scenario, I did things that wouldn’t be surprising for a lustful vanilla man to do with and to his partner in the privacy of their bedroom. But they were things I wouldn’t even consider with a partner I’m submissive to. They’re things that aren’t mentally coded as submissive. They are mentally coded as non-submissive, maybe even anti-submissive, if not exactly dominant.

    With my ex, there were ways to show that primal lust, although they wouldn’t work for all or even most F/m relationships. I think they worked for our relationship because she is a switch, and a pretty “primal” one at that. We both liked biting and being bitten (biting is one of the only things I like to do as a top), especially deep, sustained biting on the trapezius (where the neck meets the shoulder) and the latissimus dorsi along the ribcage, below the armpit. I don’t know why, but those two locations, to me, feel really energizing. So sometimes we would go back and forth biting each other, and those times sometimes felt more sexual than even sex. But I don’t expect most dommes want their submissives to bite hard enough and deep enough to leave bruises that could last a week or more.

    • I think that’s because many typical expressions of male lust are also actions that are generally considered dominant in the context of a relationship (or harassment/assault/misogyny outside of a relationship) — grabbing, etc.

      True. I can imagine it’s a difficult line to walk.

      We both liked biting and being bitten (biting is one of the only things I like to do as a top)

      A little biting now and then is fucking hot. :) Actually, I’ve been surprised to discover a couple of dominant masochists (or, more correctly, dominant’s with masochistic tendencies). MistressLilyana is one of them.

  3. While I am not actually IN a relationship of any kind right now, I do have some thoughts that I would like to share.

    ”What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever ‘pure, hot, carnal need’? Is it ever lust for your dominant?”

    While my main focus would be on being useful and providing for my dominant’s needs, there would also be a strong lust factor as well. I view a D/s relationship just like any normal relationship, where both partners have needs and desires and should be able to freely express them.

    ”Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?”

    No, I don’t think I’m supposed to do that. I want my dominant to know that I desire her. She may say no to my advances, but I want her to know that she is not only loved, but that I find her attractive and lovely. To me, expressing desire is an essential part of any relationship.

    ”If/when your desire is ‘pure, hot, carnal need,’ do you act on it? How do you act on it?”

    Going on past experience, my general approach was usually playful. Flirting first, and then gradually stepping it up to kissing and petting and so forth. Every now and then though, I would just grab her and give her a passionate kiss… Just because.

    ”Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant? “

    Not at all. Showing love and affection, or sexual desire, is one way of showing the dominant just how important a role she plays. Again, just like any relationship, both partners need to feel loved, appreciated, and desired, irrespective of who’s “in charge”

    ”How do you ensure it doesn’t damage the dynamic?”

    Simple… Never forget who’s in charge. No matter how much I want, need, or desire her, it is she who has final authority over how far, (if at all) it goes. Also, constant communication about mutual feelings and perceptions can go a long way toward keeping things on the right D/s track.

    Mind you, having had only a limited number of relationships of any kind. I’m sure it’s easier said than done, and it’s one thing to state beliefs, and quite another to put them into practice in real life.

    • Going on past experience, my general approach was usually playful. Flirting first, and then gradually stepping it up to kissing and petting and so forth. Every now and then though, I would just grab her and give her a passionate kiss… Just because.

      This is a really good point… about the flirting, specifically. If his language/flirting were more playful, then I might be able to predict his behavior will be similar, and then I might not have the knee-jerk reaction to spurn his advances.

      Yes, I need brain tricks to function properly… sad, but true.

      I’m sure it’s easier said than done, and it’s one thing to state beliefs, and quite another to put them into practice in real life.

      Of course it is. :) I guess that’s a big part of what I’m doing in writing this whole thing–to figure out what I want and what I believe, and then do the more difficult work of putting it into practice.

      Thanks for your thoughts on this, Slapshot! :)

  4. Hi DD! – See below for my response…

    **** What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever “pure, hot, carnal need”? Is it ever lust for your dominant?

    Absolutely, pure old fashioned lust is there. It burns hotter when Lady Pagan is in “full* Domme mode, but there’s not a day goes by when I don’t want her 1,000 times in 1,000 different ways. It’s not one single aspect of her that turns me on, but her beauty, intelligence, creativeness, and yes, dominance all combined.

    **** Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?

    Desire, no, but how I express that desire, yes. It’s important for me to communicate that desire and intensity, but to do so respectfully.

    **** If/when your desire is “pure, hot, carnal need,” do you act on it? How do you act on it?

    Usually by kneeling in front of Lady Pagan, taking hold of her hand, looking in her eyes, and telling her how much I want her.

    Occasionally, however, it means coming up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the nape of her neck, or grabbing her, pulling her slowly close to and looking into her eyes. The is rarer, but it does happen. Mind you at that point, I’m paying attention VERY carefully to Milady’s reaction.

    **** Have ever acted on your desire and then felt it damaged the dynamic?
    Never, but she has let me know beforehand that she desires that kind of action from me, and that even if she pushes back, she appreciates the intent. She has pushed back on me multiple times, sometimes with the glare, sometimes worse, 8-) but I view that as timing, not rejection.

    **** Does acting on desire make you feel less submissive?
    No, the opposite, because Lady Pagan has maintained every bit of control. My actions are a plea, and an expression of love, not a command. In essence I feel like I’ve placed one of the most powerful emotions I have under her complete command and it’s hers to decide what to do with.

    **** Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant?
    No, but see my answer to my previous question.

    • …1,000 times in 1,000 different ways…

      I’d like that in writing please, detailed 8-)

    • Usually by kneeling in front of Lady Pagan, taking hold of her hand, looking in her eyes, and telling her how much I want her.

      Certainly, this is enacting desire, but (for me,) it doesn’t quite communicate hot carnal need. But, that also depends on what you say. :)

      Occasionally, however, it means coming up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing the nape of her neck, or grabbing her, pulling her slowly close to and looking into her eyes.

      This is more the thing I’m after. :)

      Thanks for your thoughts on this, PaganBoy.

  5. What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever “pure, hot, carnal need”? Is it ever lust for your dominant?

    My submission is active, which includes intimacy. In the early stages, I’ll look for them to take the lead, but as it progresses and I’m more comfortable with where the boundaries lie, I have no problem initiating. There is absolutely lust.

    Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?

    Only if they explicitly tell me to. As you’ve been writing about the last few posts, though, it’s a balancing act.

    If/when your desire is “pure, hot, carnal need,” do you act on it? How do you act on it?

    Depends on any set boundaries, but yes I’ll act on it. I’m a very touchy-feely physical person, so snuggles, kisses, ect to start then I’ll read their body language to see if further show of lust is welcomed.

    Have ever acted on your desire and then felt it damaged the dynamic?

    It hasn’t affected D/s specifically, but general chemistry (they don’t like aggressiveness), yes.

    Does acting on desire make you feel less submissive? Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant?

    Not at all.

    How do you ensure it doesn’t damage the dynamic?

    I guess my general answer would be ‘communication,’ but both of my trysts with D/s have been relatively short lived so I don’t have any personal experience with communicating about this topic specifically.

    • It hasn’t affected D/s specifically, but general chemistry (they don’t like aggressiveness), yes.

      Yes. You’re right, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not all about D/s, as there isn’t a one-size fits all. So much of it is about chemistry and the individual people in the relationship. Thanks Revner. :)

  6. I hope my replies count, because my dominant and I are long-range (as in 3500 miles apart) and only ever get to meet in IM or on Skype. Also, she’s polyamorous and has other subs, which is perfectly OK by me. So, suject to that caveat:

    “What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever “pure, hot, carnal need”? Is it ever lust for your dominant?”

    It’s both. Apart from being surrendered to her, I lust after her, body and mind. I know that she appreciates this because in the past she has had issues about being attractive to men. Since finding her Ds side she has blossomed sexually. Would I feel so passionately about her if she wasn’t kinky? Probably not. We’d just be the best of friends.

    “Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?”

    Absolutely not. It’s there for her to control and use as she sees fit. That’s not the same as suppressing it.

    “If/when your desire is “pure, hot, carnal need,” do you act on it? How do you act on it?”

    I write to her and tell her in graphic terms what I feel. She loves it. It feeds her eros.

    “Have ever acted on your desire and then felt it damaged the dynamic? Does acting on desire make you feel less submissive? Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant?”

    No. Even if we were in RL, I wouldn’t have qualms about touching and flirting. After that, it would be up to her. Acting on desire would not make me feel less submissive or make me think of her as less dominant. Submission is a state of mind. Once one is in that state, there’s no contradiction between being an autonomous individual who is sure of themselves and their desire, and being always ready to surrender that autonomy to the will of the Other.

    “How do you ensure it doesn’t damage the dynamic?”

    Mind over matter. She could cage me if she felt like it, but there’s no point, since her power over me is all in the mind. She knows this and I know this. The bottom line is that she controls my eros. She gets to tell me what I can or can not do with it, and when. Either way is OK by me.

    • I hope my replies count, because my dominant and I are long-range (as in 3500 miles apart) and only ever get to meet in IM or on Skype.

      Of course it counts, GOS. :) Your relationship is no more or no less valid than anyone else’s… it’s just different. :)

      Absolutely not. It’s there for her to control and use as she sees fit. That’s not the same as suppressing it.

      Really lovely thoughts on this — I’m so glad you responded! Thank you.

      I really like the way you phrased this–desire isn’t any step outside of the established dynamic, it’s simply a part of it, a part of it for her to use as she wants.

  7. Reading this has left me with a slightly confused “I’m not sure if I’m a really crap Domme or just a really lucky one”.
    You see my boy does desire me and he tells me so. Sometimes he tells me by physically grabbing hold of me, biting the back of my neck, or otherwise making his lust felt.
    Sometimes he’ll even ask afterwards if I mind, but the answer is always I don’t mind because I love feeling wanted. I also know that feeling so desired is part of what gives me the confidence to demand sexual services from him at other times, because I know he’ll enjoy it.

    • @Faile: You’re getting what you want, so that makes you a great domme (with a great sub). :)

      I also know that feeling so desired is part of what gives me the confidence to demand sexual services from him at other times, because I know he’ll enjoy it.

      This is a really great point–your knowledge that there is desire is a tool to use at your disposal (much like what GrumpyOldSwitch suggested). Thanks for your perspective, Faile. :)

  8. It’s not humility that sends me to my knees, Madame du Seigneur, but courage. Like many submissives I am naturally reticent and you could liken us to pots of resin. We’ll never react lest the drops of catalyst trickle down from the Top. And then you can step back and watch the chain reaction.

    I believe I am not alone and many submissives require encouragement from the Top. Afterall, we like being told what pleases our Mistresses and Masters.

    Recently I had a discussion with a Master who teaches Topping. He actually gives submissive women lectures on “Dirty Talk”.

    I told him, “You’ve got to be kidding!”
    “No, we like that. What could be a greater ego stroke than when our sub tells us how much they want something” (e.g. such as demanding your sub to tell you how much he wants to suck your hard nipples)
    “Yes, but that’s just so…”
    “What?”
    “Well… disrespectful, don’t you think?”
    “You think so?”
    “Well, doesn’t that fly in the face of the ‘good girl’ image?” (or in this case ‘good boy’)
    “What makes you think that?”
    “Well, probably the fact we’ve been told from the time since we walk that good children don’t say those things.”
    He laughed. “Well, girl, that depends on your definition of ‘good’.”
    “Naturally, Sir… but without some encouragement, you’re not going to extract those words from any reticent, well-behaved sub.”
    “What sort of encouragement do you need?”
    “Just a little – of the right kind. If you intiated it… If you were the catalyst. If you demonstrated through suggestion, hint or gesture how much this would please you… then you’d be happy you had those chains and whips to hold us back. All you need is to be a couple drops of catalyst. You’d be surprised how hot and hard that resin could become so quickly.”
    “You think so?” (Of course the bastard knew this – he was teasing – afterall, he is skilled in pleasure)
    “Yes. You must know what the submissive’s favourite fantasy is, Sir.”
    “And what’s that girl?”
    “Watching you get excited, Sir.”

    What do you believe, Madame du Seigneur? Suppose you goaded J into expressing how much he wants you. A faux argument, perhaps? Faux humiliation through rhetorical questioning? Or encouraging him to touch what is forbidden, but play-slapping, yet guiding his hands back again with a tinge of reward pain? A dramatic whisper in his ear when he shivers and gasps?

    You have much choice when it comes to diabolical words and methods.
    Steel is tempered through heat and cold, is it not?

  9. Subs can’t want? Damn, I knew I was doing something wrong! I thought that was Buddhists…

    I want Mistress Delila, and I can’t help but show it. I walk up behind Her and nibble on Her shoulder or lean over while She is online and snuffle Her ear. I whimper with desire for Her – literally whimper with desire. I hump Her leg in the middle of the night (or any time of day, actually). I ask to nuzzle and kiss Her breasts, Her thighs, Her throat. I will beg for Her at the drop of a riding crop…

    Yeah, I don’t think I’m the one who has been doing it wrong…

  10. What do you believe, Madame du Seigneur? Suppose you goaded J into expressing how much he wants you.

    What you explain makes absolute sense, of course. J, and I imagine, lots of other submissives, want encouragement from the dominant. He wants to know what he can do to please me, and when he’s told, he does it.

    The problem isn’t so much with J, but with me. It’s difficult for me to believe that goading J into expressing desire is an authentic expression of his desire, rather than him following orders. When I tell him to kiss my neck, he does, and of course, I believe that’s because he desires me (as a person, as a woman, and as a dominant). But it feels different when the kiss is totally unprovoked–when he isn’t told to kiss me.

    But of course, since I’ve set a bad precedent in slapping him away, I’ll have to do the work needed to assure him that his advances aren’t unwanted. Oh the mistakes I’ve made…

  11. It isn’t so much a question of how we express desire, a banal question at best, but rather when we may express it in the dynamic. An easy fix it seems would be a little role reversal or if that is too cumbersome a concept, perhaps a designated free time for expression of subbie’s secret desires akin to a doggie park where the dogs run free unimpeded. D tells S, “You have 30 minutes to show me how you hunger for me. The clock starts now.” Just my .02.

  12. Sorry folks I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you all struggling with this, I’m brand shiny new to the D/s scene and this is one of the first issues we had to cover.

    Also new to this website so hope this isn’t too explicit.

    I was under the impression that being a submissive meant being passive and getting a hard on showed lack of control and lack of respect.
    Funnily enough having me naked in front of her with my fantasies being played out and remaining totally limp gave my Domme the impression that I wasn’t enjoying myself. Can’t believe I didn’t see that coming.

    Some discussion by e-mail ensued and it was all sorted out, but until she had said clearly that lusting her was permitted I was pretty much physically unable, getting hard for her seemed about as appropriated as getting hard in church.

    Now that I understand better what she wants things are much easier.

    What does your desire look like? Is it primarily focused on being of use and/or being used? Is it ever “pure, hot, carnal need”? Is it ever lust for your dominant?

    It is both I want to throw her on the bed and jump her bones but it is also incredibly sexy kneeling passively at her feet waiting or desperately begging at her feet after one of my many screw ups.
    Do you feel as if you’re supposed to suppress desire for your dominant?

    I certainly did, but as I said some straight talking cleared that up. I think it’s important to say I don’t think my Domme has been completely open with me. I’m pretty sure she wants many things she hasn’t mentioned but you have to leave some of the mystery. She is happy to work towards making me what she wants and doesn’t expect perfection straight away. That’s not to say she won’t punish me , but she knew I was inexperienced when she took me on and she’s willing to spend some time on me. For which I’m HUGELY grateful.

    If/when your desire is “pure, hot, carnal need,” do you act on it? How do you act on it?

    If my Domme has initiated contact and appears open to it I’ll be forceful , climbing on top , putting her in position to suit me so I can give her orgasms

    Have ever acted on your desire and then felt it damaged the dynamic? Does acting on desire make you feel less submissive? Does acting on desire make you perceive your partner as less dominant?
    How do you ensure it doesn’t damage the dynamic?

    Nope , The Mistress takes care of all that. The actions I described above are completely unacceptable and punishment always follows. She has a tone of voice which could cut diamonds when she chooses. Hearing that tone along with nails in my back or nipples nearly squeezed off until I’m whimpering and begging pretty much reminds me who is who and what’s what.

    I actually love that she can completely relax and let me run riot and then instantly reduce me to a trembling slave again in seconds. That she can afford to let her guard down is just an expression of her power over me.

    Hope some of that made sense at least. I’ve been reading your blog for the last few weeks, ie since my Domme/sub relationship took off and the reminder that even scary scary Dommes are people too has really helped me along and given me courage.

    Lots of thanks to you and your readers/posters

    • Sorry folks I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you all struggling with this [. . .] Also new to this website so hope this isn’t too explicit.

      Ha! I’m glad that my/our struggle is making somebody happy. :) Also, explicit is fine.

      I was under the impression that being a submissive meant being passive and getting a hard on showed lack of control and lack of respect.

      Interesting! You thought getting hard at all was considered disrespectful? It’s amazing to hear about the range of mis/information we all started with.

      If my Domme has initiated contact and appears open to it I’ll be forceful , climbing on top , putting her in position to suit me so I can give her orgasms [. . .] Nope , The Mistress takes care of all that. The actions I described above are completely unacceptable and punishment always follows.

      It sounds like being forceful is ‘off limits,’ at least for the time being. I’d be interested in hearing if your perception is changed is/when you’re allowed to be a bit more ‘forceful.’

      Hope some of that made sense at least. I’ve been reading your blog for the last few weeks, ie since my Domme/sub relationship took off and the reminder that even scary scary Dommes are people too has really helped me along and given me courage.

      Yes! What you said made a lot of sense… thank you for your thoughts and for your perspective. I’m very glad to hear that you’ve found something useful in reading here. :) I appreciate the compliments to me and my fellow writers and commenters!

  13. The quality of writing on this blog by both you and your readers is exemplary. Expressing thought through the written word is an elusive art form for me but I will give it my best shot.

    I’ll start by saying that I had very limited knowledge about this “lifestyle” until I met the woman I am with today. I have always acted in a traditionally male manner in most ways, with the exceptions of being very non-confrontational in my relationships and being drawn to strong, aggressive women. Who new? ;)

    With that being said I’ll get to my thoughts on the topic at hand.

    Our relationship is very outwardly “vanilla”. It’s very affectionate and loving in almost every way, except for those times when I get a bit out of line of course. My desires to touch, caress, kiss and hold her are rarely discouraged. A simple “not now” just lets me know that my timing is not right. Her desires to do whatever she wishes are never negotiable and believe me when I tell you that she takes full advantage of that fact. It’s my opinion that it doesn’t change the dynamic on iota.

    I believe that if those moments where discouraged on a regular basis, I would more than likely stop any attempts at all. Can those actions of lust, desire and caring be “trained” out of someone? Sure they can. Perhaps those feelings, while it may take much longer, can be “trained” out of someone as well.

    Just one submissive mans 2cents. Ok, it’s 2013, make it a quarter.

    PS: Your wit and writing style are truly unique and very entertaining. I look forward to exploring more of this delicious little part of the world. I’ll add my 25cents on occasion but know that I will alway be lurking in the background. You’ve gained a fan here.

    • It’s my opinion that it doesn’t change the dynamic ONE iota either. ;)

    • The quality of writing on this blog by both you and your readers is exemplary.

      Thank you, Atr. I do have smart readers, don’t I? :)

      I believe that if those moments where discouraged on a regular basis, I would more than likely stop any attempts at all. Can those actions of lust, desire and caring be “trained” out of someone? Sure they can. Perhaps those feelings, while it may take much longer, can be “trained” out of someone as well.

      I think you’re a 100% right on this. It’s my own fault (ignorance and insecurity) for discouraging him for so long. I’m a work in progress and not afraid to admit it! For my part, I’m trying to let go of my insecurity and focusing on communicating better. *fingers crossed* Thanks for your thoughts on this.

      Your wit and writing style are truly unique and very entertaining. I look forward to exploring more of this delicious little part of the world. I’ll add my 25cents on occasion but know that I will alway be lurking in the background. You’ve gained a fan here.

      Thank you so much for the kind words and the wonderful complements. :) I appreciate them more than you know.

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