Sep 262013

I read an article on Flavorwire a few months back titled “Authors on the Importance of Writing the Final Chapter First.” Edgar Allen Poe, Margaret Mitchell, and John Irving all knew how their novels would end before they sat down to write the first chapter.

While I didn’t disclose it here on the blog until this past summer, I’ve always known how my relationship with J would end (assuming we didn’t fizzle out or break up first). I’ve known since the beginning, since before we even started.

J needs to be on the west coast — it’s part of who he is and what he wants out of life. For that reason, I’ve always understood J would leave, I just didn’t know when.

Now I know.

I know when J is leaving.

Not twenty four hours after I wrote that “it looks more and more like he’ll be sticking around a while” (in my musings on the two year anniversary of Dumb Domme,) J got the news that he’ll be leaving. We don’t know the exact date, but we know the month.

The good news is that I’ll have him for more than six months. The bad news is that I’ll lose him less than a year from now.

For the time being, I’m not going to disclose the month publicly. I suspect revealing specifics would turn this blog into more of a ‘countdown to goodbye’ than what it’s been and what it should be — an account of a beautifully flawed, ridiculously hot, sometimes laugh-inducing, deeply meaningful relationship between the boy and I. It’s an account of what we are, and I love what we are. Everything that’s here is about a girl who loves a boy, and about a boy who loves a girl, and about a girl and boy who love bondage, sadomasochism, teasing, and toys. ;)

When this thing with him and I started, spending more than six months together seemed an unlikely scenario — I didn’t think we were that compatible. But somewhere along the line, we became something. Now, with a few years behind us, the time ahead seems like nothing at all. When it runs out, it won’t have been enough.

Until then, I imagine things with us will be much the same as they have been, with the exception of occasional sad reflections, possible moments of misdirected anger, and perhaps a few more melancholy ramblings from me.

As of now — as of right this moment — I’m okay.

In fact, I’m better than okay. :) I’m happy and I’m in love with an amazing man I never dreamed I’d find, a man I never knew existed.

He’s leaving, yes. But for now, he’s mine.

While I know how the story will end, even as the clock runs down, I can’t help but be grateful for my good fortune in finding this boy, this love, and this happiness. It’s all mine for now, and I intend to make good use of it while I can. :)


More on The Inevitable Ending…

two years (leaving)

Here’s what I haven’t said. What I haven’t ever admitted is that J has always been leaving… [read more]

leaving soon

I’ve always known that J would leave, so I can’t say it’s a surprise. It isn’t. But it is… [read more]

costs vs. benefits

Someday (soon), he’ll move across the country. He will leave and I won’t go with him… [read more]


  13 Responses to “the beginning of the end”

  1. I applaud you, D, and find your current magnanimity impressive to say the least. And I swore to myself that I wouldn’t talk up break up feefees. So I’m shutting up. Well, I’ll say one last thing. THANK YOU for letting us come along on the girl loves boy etc story. It has been an amazing one. Giant hugs and… ok, I might be tearing up but it’s probably the glow from my monitor.

  2. I know you have been talking about this, and the inevitability of it for a while now, but it still makes me sad to actually read about it. It probably also sounds so clichéd to tell you to “make the most of the time you have”, (I hate it when people tell me that) but yeah, you have to.

    ”I’m happy and I’m in love with an amazing man I never dreamed I’d find, a man I never knew existed.”

    This is a beautiful sentiment and it’s good to see you happy and at peace with the reality of it. I hope that the final chapters are every bit as loving, fun, hot, and memorable as the first ones. Wishing you both all the happiness and love you can find.

  3. So sorry to read this. No words of my own, just these by Ezra Pound:

    What thou lovest well remains, the rest is dross
    What thou lov’st well shall not be reft from thee
    What thou lov’st well is thy true heritage
    Whose world, or mine or theirs or is it of none?
    First came the seen, then thus the palpable
    Elysium, though it were in the halls of Hell,
    What thou lovest well is thy true heritage.

  4. This…THIS is courage. I love that You are looking at the time ahead as being a time to make the future pain worthwhile. Life ain’t always beautiful.

  5. Hugs to both of you!

    You are both so damn inspirational. The courage and bravery you two have in your relationship is amazing. I can’t seem to find the right words, but as much as you admit that you fuck up, that you have no idea what you’re doing, I still admire and look up to you. (Scary, huh? ;) ) This post highlights just a little of why.

  6. I came across your blog a little while ago while doing research, but this is my first comment here. I’ll keep it short and just say this:

    I’m glad you’re okay, now that you know a more definite ‘when’ and–whatever moments of misdirected anger, sad reflections, and melancholy ramblings you may have (and are certainly entitled to)–I hope you’re okay then too.

  7. *hugs*

  8. *hugs*

    Know this: you’ve touched him in ways no one else ever will and have left an indelible mark (or three) on him. Of that I am sure. In some ways, he’ll always be yours.

  9. I believe I am a fair bit older than you, which perhaps gives me a different perspective but I see now that ALL relationships come to an end. The fact that you have more determination in how and when yours ends with J gives it both grace and poignancy. I would have once said that I would never risk my heart on something I knew to be time limited; now I know better.

  10. My heart constricted when I read the title. I’m glad you have a road map finally instead of just an idea.

    Many giant hugs to you. I’ll be watching you to see how all of this can be done. You know I’m waiting for my road map, too. Always.


  11. A tale of sound and fury, love and vulnerability, grace and poignancy, creativity and authenticity, brilliance and bawdy humor… told by one very sharp endearing woman. Thank you as always for sharing…

    P.S. A little known fact, Poe eventually landed in CA and wrote some sequels – Tell-Tale Heart 2, and a couple others.

  12. Thanks all, for your kind words and well wishes. I couldn’t respond to them all individually — doing so would have made me too sad and self-pitying. For the record, they helped. Thank you. :)

    P.S., I accept all the *hugs* offered and if I could, I’d return them all in kind. :)

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