Yeah, I’m still on this topic… so?
Here’s the very recent backstory: I realized I accidentally trained J to demonstrate no aggressiveness. If he wants something, he asks for it, but he won’t touch me or kiss me without an invitation. I mentioned that I wanted a little more aggressiveness from him, and he interpreted it as my wanting a little ‘struggle.’ That’s not what I want. I didn’t get what I want, not because he’s unwilling to give it to me, but because my explanation was completely unclear. So, here we go again… what do I want?
I don’t want a struggle — a struggle implies that two parties want different things. I want J to want me, and I want him to demonstrate it sometimes. I want him to be more aggressive.
But what is aggressiveness? More importantly, what is aggressiveness in the context of our D/s dynamic?
In my mind, aggressiveness is different than aggression. (It’s possible that whatever distinction between the two is only in my mind.)
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, there’s very little (if any) semantic difference between ‘aggressiveness’ and ‘aggression.’ By definition alone, the two terms are interchangeable. The difference (for me) rests in the connotations of the two terms, in the different contexts in which they might be deployed, and in the possible exigencies for each.
According to the OED:
While the two terms can be used interchangably, the various definitions suggest a big difference in potential meanings. Attack, offensive, threat, and assault all have negative conntatations, but engergetic, self-assertive, and initiative all have positive, desirable connotations (as I’ve so helpfully color-coded). Aggressiveness has a more neutral or positive connotation and aggression has a negative connotation.
According to the Grammarist:
I want to pick and choose what I like from those definitions… so I’m going to.
I do not want aggression—I don’t want attack, assault, offense, or any action that makes me feel threatened.
I want aggressiveness—I want energy, assertiveness, drive, and initiative.
I want to be wanted. I want my partner to energetically and assertively desire me. I want him to demonstrate desire without provocation and outside of command. I want him to want me, not just for the way I make him feel, but for whatever appeal I exude when I’m passive, silent, and still. I want him to want me, not just because I want him to demonstrate desire, but because he desires me — I want his desire to be the impetus for action.
He should want to touch me — not just because it makes me feel good, but because he is dying to touch me, because he can’t exist another second without feeling the curve of my breast, or the smooth slope of my collarbone, or the softness of my hands. He should want to kiss me — not just because I want kissed, but because he needs the taste of my lips as much as he needs air to breathe.
Is that any clearer? No?
Well then, here’s what I don’t want:
- I don’t want ambivalence (uncertainty, unknowing).
- I don’t want apathy (lack of interest or lack of enthusiasm)
- I don’t want indifference (neutrality, disinterest)
- I don’t want passivity (requiring provocation to act)
I want to be wanted, and aggressiveness lets me know I’m wanted. So… um, do that, okay? :)