Over the course of the evening (the same evening as the ‘kiss me’ discussion), J tried to kiss me a few more times, and each time, I rebuffed him. (I know, I know… in hindsight, I should have used the opportunity to reinforce what I said I wanted. But having just mentioned it, it felt too much like kiss-on-command.)
On his final attempt, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body against his. My arms were pinned to my sides and I was unable to pull myself away. I accepted his kiss just long enough to catch his tongue between my teeth. I bit down. Hard.
He was much quicker to release me that I was to release him.
He meant no harm, I know. Even with his tongue clenched between my teeth, he didn’t fight me. He didn’t even try to pull away. I held him until we both had the faintest taste of copper in our mouths, and then I let him go.
My heart broke at the confusion on his face, but there was nothing but venom in my eyes. I do not enjoy being held down. I enjoy being held (tight) embraced (hard), even manhandled (a little, just as a reminder that he’s a million times stronger than I am), but not held down — it really, really rubs me the wrong way and I don’t react kindly to finding myself in that situation.
J: You want me to be more aggressive… but you don’t want a little struggle? Or do you…?
Me: Struggle? Fuck no.
A struggle means there are mismatched wills. A struggle means there is resistance. A struggle means there is grappling for control.
I don’t want any of that.
I don’t want disparate wills, resistance, or grappling for control. I don’t want him to fight back when I hold him or hurt him, nor do I want to struggle with him if he makes an advance towards me. If he moves to kiss me or touch me and I’m into it, I’ll let it happen. If I’m not into it, I’ll let him know and he’ll back off.
That’s exactly what we’ve been doing. It’s just that I did it too often and now he’s hesitant to touch me or kiss me without an invitation.
And now I miss it.
I think I was so quick to rebuff him for so long because I wasn’t confident in being dominant. I felt like accepting his touch or his kiss would mean I wasn’t in control—it would mean I was ‘less’ dominant. Because I was so insecure in my dominance, I was hell-bent on proving to him (and to myself) that I was the dominant partner. And because I was so busy trying all the toys and doing all the activities, I didn’t notice what was missing (what I pushed away).
Now that I’m more confident in our roles, I realize I miss being wanted.
It’s not that he doesn’t want me—I know he does. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t feel it.
I want to feel it.
…and I can. I just have to communicate what I want (more clearly than I did last time) and I have to be secure enough to let it happen.