Sep 052013
 

Over the course of the evening (the same evening as the ‘kiss me’ discussion), J tried to kiss me a few more times, and each time, I rebuffed him. (I know, I know… in hindsight, I should have used the opportunity to reinforce what I said I wanted. But having just mentioned it, it felt too much like kiss-on-command.)

On his final attempt, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body against his. My arms were pinned to my sides and I was unable to pull myself away. I accepted his kiss just long enough to catch his tongue between my teeth. I bit down. Hard.

He was much quicker to release me that I was to release him.

He meant no harm, I know. Even with his tongue clenched between my teeth, he didn’t fight me. He didn’t even try to pull away. I held him until we both had the faintest taste of copper in our mouths, and then I let him go.

My heart broke at the confusion on his face, but there was nothing but venom in my eyes. I do not enjoy being held down. I enjoy being held (tight) embraced (hard), even manhandled (a little, just as a reminder that he’s a million times stronger than I am), but not held down — it really, really rubs me the wrong way and I don’t react kindly to finding myself in that situation.

J:  You want me to be more aggressive… but you don’t want a little struggle? Or do you…? 

Me: Struggle? Fuck no.

aggressive-struggleA struggle means there are mismatched wills. A struggle means there is resistance. A struggle means there is grappling for control.

I don’t want any of that.

I don’t want disparate wills, resistance, or grappling for control. I don’t want him to fight back when I hold him or hurt him, nor do I want to struggle with him if he makes an advance towards me. If he moves to kiss me or touch me and I’m into it, I’ll let it happen. If I’m not into it, I’ll let him know and he’ll back off.

That’s exactly what we’ve been doing. It’s just that I did it too often and now he’s hesitant to touch me or kiss me without an invitation.

And now I miss it.

I think I was so quick to rebuff him for so long because I wasn’t confident in being dominant. I felt like accepting his touch or his kiss would mean I wasn’t in control—it would mean I was ‘less’ dominant. Because I was so insecure in my dominance, I was hell-bent on proving to him (and to myself) that I was the dominant partner. And because I was so busy trying all the toys and doing all the activities, I didn’t notice what was missing (what I pushed away).

Now that I’m more confident in our roles, I realize I miss being wanted.

It’s not that he doesn’t want me—I know he does. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t feel it.

I want to feel it.

…and I can. I just have to communicate what I want (more clearly than I did last time) and I have to be secure enough to let it happen.

 

  16 Responses to “aggressive ≠ struggle”

  1. Wouldn’t it be nice if communication just happened?
    However, that would put all those nice diplomats and State Department employees out of a job.
    From over here, it looks like you’re doing a pretty good job.

    • Wouldn’t it be nice if communication just happened?

      Oh, it happens, (a lot,) I’m just not as effective with it as I could be. I’m working on it — I figure stuff out here and after lots of thrashing, navel-gazing, and massaging, it makes it’s way into some meaningful form… and eventually, makes it way to J. :)

      He’s well aware I am verbose AND confusing. :)

  2. I forget how new you are to this until I read something like this and it reminds me of when I was also new. The more comfortable you become with your dominance, the less of a struggle you’ll have with this kind of thing.

  3. “I don’t want disparate wills, resistance, or grappling for control…”

    Have you tried telling him all this in words rather than by gesture and action?

    Does he read this blog?

    Or are you really testing his capacity for non-linguistic empathy, his ability to sense and deal with the complexity of your contradictory emotions, because if you told him what you want in so many words it would destroy the point of the test?

    Are you pushing him away precisely in order to see how much he wants you and is prepared to match his will to yours?

    Sorry. More questions than answers.

    • Have you tried telling him all this in words rather than by gesture and action?

      Of course. :) Unfortunately, my retelling of the events took days longer than the events themselves. I only just told him I wanted some changes last weekend.

      Or are you really testing his capacity for non-linguistic empathy, his ability to sense and deal with the complexity of your contradictory emotions, because if you told him what you want in so many words it would destroy the point of the test?

      I think I understand what you’re saying/asking, but it’s not a test. I’m not collected or articulate to come up with a ‘test’, even if I wanted to (which I do not – I’m not into testing the people I love just to see if they meet with my expectations. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t love them).

      The thing that would be destroyed in telling him, ‘kiss me now, and be aggressive,’ is the feeling of being wanted for it’s own sake. If I tell him to kiss me, he will, but that doesn’t mean he was overwhelmed with the desire to kiss me, it means he kissed me because I told him to.

      Are you pushing him away precisely in order to see how much he wants you and is prepared to match his will to yours?

      Not at all. He wants me, I just never gave him any room to express it. I need to make some room. :)

  4. Okay I can’t resist the random dumb joke that probably no one will get except maybe D herself. I laughed for like thirty minutes straight coming up with it so even if it’s terrible: I’m going with it.

    D, I’ve got it. Let me translate it into his native language for you:

    “Ggggrrrrr. Rawlll. Wooof. Woof woof! RRRrrrrr. Gggrooowwwl. Grrr!”

    Wait is ‘Grrr’ spelled with two g’s or one? Wolves don’t have very good spelling teachers sadly so I always forget how many g’s it is.

    That should be close enough for a rough translation though. Don’t forget to scratch behind his ears as well.

    Merdorolli

    (P.S.: The joke here is that submissives native language is wolven (Wolvish? Wolfish? Hmm…. googling to be done here.). Hilarious right? No? Well… Yah probably not that funny. Doesn’t stop me from trying to be funny anyways. :P)

    • @Merdorolli: HA! (I did laugh!)

      Wait is ‘Grrr’ spelled with two g’s or one? Wolves don’t have very good spelling teachers sadly so I always forget how many g’s it is.

      I don’t blame your teachers — it’s got to be difficult to hold chalk or a dry erase marker with those big, clumsy paws. :)

      “Ggggrrrrr. Rawlll. Wooof. Woof woof! RRRrrrrr. Gggrooowwwl. Grrr!”

      I think you’re onto something here, actually. :) You see, I’ve been busy growling and pawing at him… but I think I’ve accidentally trained him not to use his native tongue with me (on me, yes, but not at me or with me).

      I want a little growling and pawing in my direction. ;)

      Don’t forget to scratch behind his ears as well.

      Of course I won’t forget… I always make a point to scratch him in all the right places (and yes, there’s heavy petting — the snarling possessive kind and the sweet, gentle kind too.) :)

      • “I don’t blame your teachers — it’s got to be difficult to hold chalk or a dry erase marker with those big, clumsy paws. :)”

        Actually I was the one with issues. They would use their claws to carve out their writing on stuff. I never had nails that were sharp or strong enough. Eventually I figured out I could use a rock to the the same effect but I was ostracized and picked on for years because I couldn’t write. It was a sad and lonely time.

        “I want a little growling and pawing in my direction. ;)”

        You want that feral spark he had back at the beginning. You want to see that hunger, that need, in his eyes and feel it in his actions. Like that email he wrote to you all the way back when about submission not being weak. You want to feel sought after and even a little hunted. Least that’s what I think you’re getting at, and I completely understand that. I just have no clue how to really help. Sorry. :(

        Honest and open communication helps and you are both trying your best, I know, so it’ll work out. Eventually. I have faith. :D

        Merdorolli

        • Eventually I figured out I could use a rock to the the same effect but I was ostracized and picked on for years because I couldn’t write. It was a sad and lonely time.

          Opposable thumbs… we take them for granted, but they’re pretty cool.

          You want that feral spark he had back at the beginning. You want to see that hunger, that need, in his eyes and feel it in his actions. Like that email he wrote to you all the way back when about submission not being weak. You want to feel sought after and even a little hunted. Least that’s what I think you’re getting at

          That’s pretty accurate, actually. :)

  5. In my first relationship as a submissive, I wasn’t allowed to touch or kiss or anything without permission – and that seemed normal to me – a natural part of submission. In my current relationship, it’s absolutely encouraged. I can reach out at will – if he doesn’t want it at that moment, he’ll let me know.

    I wonder now if experience level had something to do with the difference. Yes, yes, there are personality differences and the differences in the emotional connection I had with one and now the other…but from a submissive’s point of view, you’ve got me thinking…

    As a submissive, I will say, being allowed to touch, kiss, caress, etc. my Dominant at will does not in any way take away from his dominance of me. I know exactly who’s in charge, whether I’m kissing him or waiting in a corner.

  6. I wonder now if experience level had something to do with the difference. Yes, yes, there are personality differences and the differences in the emotional connection I had with one and now the other…but from a submissive’s point of view, you’ve got me thinking…

    Yes! While I knew my sometimes-insecurities had something to do with it, hearing from you and Mistress Lilyana on this makes me realize experience probably influences this a great deal.

    As a submissive, I will say, being allowed to touch, kiss, caress, etc. my Dominant at will does not in any way take away from his dominance of me. I know exactly who’s in charge, whether I’m kissing him or waiting in a corner.

    Ooh! You have me thinking now too! You are an experienced submissive (at least, more experienced as a sub than I am as a dom), and so it doesn’t alter your role or your perception of your dominant’s role. J is experienced as well, so I doubt it would have affected him much either. But me? In my newness, inexperience (and a host of other shortcomings), I was hell bent on ‘proving’ myself, on embodying the role, on assuming the (stereotypical) persona to such a degree that I made a lot of mistakes.

    I’m lucky to have a flexible, patient, invested partner, and I’m lucky to realize my mistakes and have some time to correct them.

    Thanks for your thoughts on this, Kayla. :)

    • Honest mistakes are certainly allowed…I adore my Dominant very much, and even when (not if, when) he makes mistakes, I usually perceive them as part of his master plan (hehehe, I said ‘master’). I usually only know it’s a mistake when he apologizes for something.

      He’s even admitted to me that he was nervous about something we were doing, and I never saw or felt the nervousness…in a relationship where both parties are invested in it, the learning curve, nerves, and mistakes really aren’t as big of a deal as you might think they would be…if that makes ANY sense…

      • I usually perceive them as part of his master plan (hehehe, I said ‘master’). I usually only know it’s a mistake when he apologizes for something.

        Um, yes… of course! It’s all part of my master plan… even the mistakes I apologize for. I mean, they aren’t really mistakes (but don’t tell J that). ;)

        the learning curve, nerves, and mistakes really aren’t as big of a deal as you might think they would be…if that makes ANY sense…

        It does make sense. :) Also, good to know that I’m not the only one on the learning curve. :)

  7. I have lots of experience in session but very little with bdsm relationship-ing. All the stuff about communication is always important and things are bound to swing one way on the pendulum and then need to be talked back to fit.

    My dear friend She-Who-Visits at one point knew that I was just dying to kiss her. So she held “Kissing Classes”. Of course she told me I was the world’s worst kisser, made me brush and floss and gargle and tongue scrap and teeth whiten before she permitted my mouth on hers. But she made a fun game out of my deep desire. It lightened everything up.

    You could also always have veto power. “Honey I love that you want me and please be expressive. Just know that I’m in charge and there are times I may say no. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again later. Maybe you’ll be a lucky boy and I’ll be in the mood. Then you’ll get all kinds of gold stars!”

    A little sumptin’ sumptin”. Good luck – communication is dastardly hard.

    • Of course she told me I was the world’s worst kisser

      I’m sure you aren’t/weren’t the world’s worst, but I could see how ‘kissing classes’ might be an entertaining game. As for me, I couldn’t lie that well… J might be the world’s best kisser… and I’m the world’s worst liar. :)

      But she made a fun game out of my deep desire. It lightened everything up.

      Lightened the mood and whitened your teeth. Ha!

      You could also always have veto power. “Honey I love that you want me and please be expressive. Just know that I’m in charge and there are times I may say no. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again later. Maybe you’ll be a lucky boy and I’ll be in the mood. Then you’ll get all kinds of gold stars!”

      That (above) is pretty much our default ‘rule.’ However, I vetoed so often that he doesn’t try much anymore. And who can blame him? People learn from experience more than command, and my repeated brush-offs taught him that aggressiveness wasn’t welcomed… and that was my mistake and now it’s mine to correct.

      Good luck – communication is dastardly hard.

      I know, right? :) I’m working on it!

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