I don’t just want to kiss… I want to be kissed.”
He looked confused, understandably so.
Over the course of our relationship, I’ve been quick to swat him away when he tries to kiss me.
At some point, he stopped trying.†
It seems I’ve inadvertently ‘trained’ him not to. He doesn’t kiss me unless he’s told to kiss me. (He reciprocates when I kiss him, of course, but that’s another thing entirely.)
When I said I wanted a little more aggressiveness, more unsolicited kisses, he looked confused and asked me to clarify. He has to know what I want in order to give it to me.
What I want…?
That’s part of the problem.
I don’t always want the same actions and behaviors from him, so I can’t tell him he should always do this or that.
Sometimes I enjoy a little aggressiveness. Sometimes I don’t want any. Sometimes I appreciate aggressiveness for it’s own sake, and other times, I want it because I enjoy striking it down — I like the playfulness of a little back and forth and I enjoy giving him a little leeway just to watch his frustration when I snap him back to obedience.
I don’t usually know what I’ll want before we start playing, and besides, what I want changes as the night progresses. When we start, maybe I’ll want a little aggression, but an hour later, I might want him to be totally obedient and passive. Or instead, I might want him to be very good and very still so I can play with him for while, and then I’ll want a little aggressiveness after I’m good and hot.
I can’t predict any of that. When it comes to aggressiveness — with kissing in particular — I don’t know what I’ll want or when I’ll want it. If I don’t know, how the hell is he supposed to know?
And, sure, I could continue telling him “kiss me now,” but that’s not aggressive. Telling him to kiss me isn’t him wanting to kiss me… it’s him following commands. While I appreciate him following instructions, that doesn’t make me feel wanted the same way as being kissed makes me feel wanted.
Sometimes I want to feel wanted. Sometimes I don’t.
I tried to explain all of that to him, but I realize my inconsistency and ambiguity is confusing for him. Even if I had explained it well, that doesn’t help him know how to behave in a given situation. He wants to be obedient, and of course, he doesn’t want to make unwanted advances, but I can’t tell him how to do that.
For lack of a better option, he’s just going to have to deal with it. I want a little more aggressiveness and I want him to kiss me more often, but I also don’t want to dictate the terms and conditions in any particular moment.
He will just have to try me. I told him I’d make it clear if his actions are unwelcome. If his actions aren’t wanted, he’ll have to remember that my rebuff isn’t a rebuff for all times — it’s just for the moment.
After my explanation, he wrapped his arms around me, held tight, and kissed me passionately.
I should have seen that coming, right?
For a few moments, I considered allowing him to continue kissing me — that would have reinforced to him that I really do want more kissing, more often.
But I didn’t want to be kissed at that particular moment…
And so I swatted him away.