Aug 022013
 

Today’s reader question is from Laurey in Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain). Laurey wants to know how to encourage her dominant partner to be more kinky.

Dear D,
I am a submissive and a fellow blogger. I have just began a new-ish relationship with someone who I recognize as my dominant and master. I am trying to encourage him to try new (to both of us) kinks with me including bondage, orgasm denial, anal worship, spanking, etc. He is very open minded to everything I suggest. We talk about our fantasies with each other often. He shows interest in the things I want to try.
The problem is that when we actually get into the bedroom (so to speak) he seems to revert back to all things vanilla. Sometimes we experiment, but often times he just wants P-in the-V sex. Who am I to demand more kink? I try to beg him during the acts, but sometimes he flat out denies me. I get that he’s the dominant and he wants to call the shots, but I am left feeling unfulfilled and slightly neglected afterwords. I thought communicating would be enough since he appears to be interested. It seems like he likes the idea more than he’s willing to try things himself.
What should I do? How do I encourage him to be more adventurous?
Thank you,
Laurey

Oh Laurey. Laurey, Laurey, Laurey.

It appears you skipped the part of dating where you’re supposed to discuss these things before you call someone ‘dominant and master.’ Why did you agree to be in a power exchange relationship with this man if you if you knew (or before you knew) the sex/play was unfulfilling? *sigh* I’ll spare you the lecture. (If you’re interested, here’s part of the lecture, and another part, and another part….)

Anyway, you’re probably right — it sounds like he likes the idea of kinky play more than he likes actual kinky play. Perhaps the talk turns him on, but he isn’t interested in putting his money where his mouth is (or his ball gag where your mouth is). Or, maybe he’s intimidated by new forms of play (and maybe he doesn’t want to admit that to you).

If he’s genuinely disinterested in playing, you’re kinda fucked. Since you already recognized him as your dominant and master, you’ll either have to learn to live with boring sex or you’ll have to break it off and find someone who is into the same kinks you are.

If he’s just nervous, there are things you can do to help.

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First, take things one kink at a time.

Bondage, orgasm denial, anal worship, spanking, etc. — that’s a whole lot of kinks, particularly if he’s new to BDSM and D/s. If he’s overwhelmed, he might be shutting down and relying on what he knows — vanilla P-in-the-V sex.

Instead of talking about a number of different types of play, focus on one kink at a time. I suggest bondage first. Because of it’s prevalence in popular (vanilla) pornography, bondage is probably the most familiar and least intimidating type of play on your list. And when I say ‘bondage,’ I mean simple, easy stuff like wrist and ankle restraints, NOT shibari with suspension.

Second, be clear and specific about what you’re asking for… and keep it simple.

Try writing out a ‘fantasy’ for him, one that includes mild bondage with simple restraints and the PIV sex that’s near and dear to his heart.

What you’re really doing here is writing him a set of instructions — directions for what you want to have happen, a step-by-step guide to tying you up.[1] (Of course, don’t write them as directions… instead of “Step 1, Step 2…” write your ‘fantasy’ as a hot sexy smut.)

When you send him the fantasy, include a couple of sexy photos to illustrate. Find a few non-intimidating photos online — forget the ropes and chains and elaborate fetish gear and opt for realistic-looking photos with simple bondage (wrist and ankle cuffs or simple knots).

(If you want to be more up-front and you think he’ll be amenable, you could try a bondage ‘practice session.’ Calling it ‘practice’ might take some of the pressure off.)

Third, make it easy for him.

Go out and buy some restraints. Get the simplest, easiest, cheapest velcro wrist cuffs you can find.

After you buy them, put them on the bed. Don’t just lay them on the bed; secure them to the bed, and before you’re ready for playtime/fucktime, position the cuffs on the corners of the bed and leave them open.

When it’s time for restraint, put your wrists in them… all he’ll have to do is velcro those fuckers closed and have his way with you (since he likes PIV sex, make bondage part of PIV sex — have him fuck you while you’re in the wrist restraints).

Fourth, use positive reinforcement.

After it’s over, tell him how much you enjoyed it (some dominants need positive reinforcement… ahem… not me, of course). Tell him how dominantly dominant he was and swoon over his sexual sexuality (but do it with prettier words than that).

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Stick with the bondage for a little while until he gets used to it (assuming he enjoys it). After he’s comfortable with the wrist restraints, add some ankle cuffs, or maybe a blindfold. Take things slow and try to let him set his own pace (dominants like to feel like they’re in charge… even when they aren’t).

Does all of this sound like a lot of hand holding? Sure. It is hand-holding, but some of us need to be led.

With any luck, and after some time, he’ll shibari your ass, suspend you from the ceiling, demand you worship his ass, and then flog silly before denying you an orgasm.

 


[1] Related: I’ve been working on a “How to Train your Domina” series of posts for some time now. I really should get back to that. Sure, some people are naturally dominant, inherently confident, and were born with a shibari gene in their DNA and a flogger in their hand. For everyone else, there’s a learning curve.

[2] I don’t actually recommend Sportsheets for much. Their bondage sets are cheap — I bought the “under bed” restraint system a long, long, long time ago just to use the under bed straps with my beautiful Aslan leather wrist & ankle and thigh cuffs. In simply putting the thing on the bed, I managed to bend the ‘metal’ components out of shape to such a degree that the thing was worthless. If you’re going to buy Sportsheets just to try out a cheap, easy restraint system, know in advance that you can’t struggle or pull on them hard.

 

  8 Responses to “how do I encourage my dominant to be more kinky?”

  1. I got a kick out of Laurey’s predicament and in relating her experiences to my own past misadventures. I wish her luck with trying the fantasy writing. I have tried (and failed) with that method but I may have gone a little overboard with my fantasies.

    The best dominant sex I had came from a guy who was not only inexperienced in dominance, he’d never read any of my erotic posts. Unfortunately, he seems damned determined to choose celibacy as part of his personal spiritual evolution.

    I sure can pick ’em.

    • trying the fantasy writing. I have tried (and failed) with that method but I may have gone a little overboard with my fantasies.

      J did this in the beginning, too. He went way overboard with the fantasy stuff and I had no idea what he was into vs. what was just fun to think about… and besides that, a lot of his fantasies called on skills I didn’t have at the time. It was all very overwhelming and I felt too sheepish to ask how to interpret him/them. I figured a ‘good domme’ should know these things.

      Anyway, I’m much better at reading his fantasies now, and besides that, I feel a lot less pressure to indulge him anyway. :) I do, of course, but I’m a lot more comfortable with my role in our dynamic than I was when we were very new.

      Unfortunately, he seems damned determined to choose celibacy as part of his personal spiritual evolution.

      I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out. It sounds like he was one of those “naturals” that so many people claim to be (but, I imagine, rarely really are). Also, celibacy sucks. :(

      • Yes, celibacy sucks. :(
        There aren’t enough perfect toys in the Universe to substitute for one imperfect man. Especially one who gives a great spanking.

  2. Nice, informative, non-snarky post. I doubt I could post anything on this subject that is snark-free anymore and I’ll probably refer people to it from time to time.

  3. “Today’s reader question is from Laurey in Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain).”

    Maybe it’s because I’ve had a few beers, but I find this to be not only devilishly clever, but really fucking funny at this very moment.

    Even though I hated the play, when we did it, way back in high school, I *DO* agree that the farmer and the cowboy should be friends!

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