Aug 132013
 

Femdom-University-Diploma-sm-transToday’s reader question is from Degree-Seeking Domme in State College, PA. DSD wants to hear some words of wisdom for a university-bound dominant woman.

What advise would you give to a beginning Domme who is just about to head off for college? I’ve never had a boyfriend (I have – however – dated) but D/s is the only thing that I can seem to fantasize over, and I don’t know how to handle it in a relationship.
  1. Learn the difference between advise and advice. Advice is a noun. Advise is a verb.
  2. If you go to parties or bars, keep an eye on your drinks. Make your own if you can, and don’t leave it for a second.
  3. Fuck being a ‘Domme’ in college — be a student instead. Quit worrying about D/s, dating, and relationships. You’re supposed to be going to college to learn a discipline… not to date.1 While I realize college is important for socialization (or some such crap people tell you during orientation week), that’s not what you’re there for.
  4. Study hard. Read lots. Suck every bit of information out of every professor and classmate and experience you can. ‘Great times’ are fleeting and friends are fickle, but knowledge and critical thinking are tools you’ll use for a lifetime.
  5. If you’re shit at math, take probability. It’s the easiest.


[1] Yeah, yeah. I know college is important for ‘figuring yourself out.’ It’s important for friendships and for exploring your sexuality, etc. However, that’s not the primary purpose of college, nor (in my opinion) should that be the focus. You can ‘find yourself,’ develop friendships, and explore your sexuality later (or secondarily to your studies). But, you can’t devote four years of your life, pay bucketloads of money, and immerse yourself in learning again later on. College is a once in a lifetime chance — make the best of the opportunities you have in the time you’re there.

 

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  20 Responses to “dominant and degree-seeking: advice for college”

  1. As a middle-aged university student, I heartily second you. I dropped out of college at 19. Coming back to it at 50 is damn hard work. It’s rewarding and it’s nice being the smartest (and wisest) person in the class, but it is also not the experience I once dreamed of.

    If DSD is really so focused on D/s rather than a B.S., maybe she needs a gap year – take a year off to fuck her brains out and then come back to school having got ‘that’ out of her system…..assuming she doesn’t lose total focus during the year and end up tied to a bad match for the next 20 years. BTDT.

    • Yes to all of this, night owl!

      It’s rewarding and it’s nice being the smartest (and wisest) person in the class, but it is also not the experience I once dreamed of.

      Yes, but! Even the age 18-22 college experience most people dream of isn’t as amazing and enlightening as most people imagine it to be. I give you credit for going back — that’s fucking awesome. And, at least now you’re mentally prepared to get the most out of it now. Learn lots, kick ass, and be wise. :)

      maybe she needs a gap year – take a year off to fuck her brains out and then come back to school having got ‘that’ out of her system…..assuming she doesn’t lose total focus during the year and end up tied to a bad match for the next 20 years. BTDT.

      Yes, yes, and yes. I wonder how prepared most 18 year olds are for college. I think the idea of a gap year is fantastic — more people should do it — as you said though, assuming they don’t make a mistake and assuming they actually go to school after their year is up.

  2. wow. you are a tough Domme.

    Mick

  3. Very wise words, all of them.

    “If you’re shit at math, take probability. It’s the easiest.”

    A big yes to this. Life has lots of big gambles, and people are pretty much crap at working out the odds and making sure that they are in their favour.

    Also, if you study probability theory, it’s easy to work out when journos and politicians are abusing stats to brainwash the masses.

  4. Very wise words, all of them.

    “If you’re shit at math, take probability. It’s the easiest.”

    A big yes to this. Life has lots of big gambles, and people are pretty much crap at working out the odds and making sure that they are in their favour.

    Also, if you study probability theory, it’s easy to work out when journos and politicians are abusing stats to brainwash the masses.

    • A big yes to this. Life has lots of big gambles, and people are pretty much crap at working out the odds and making sure that they are in their favour.

      Wait, what? There are actual uses for probability? Oh… I never thought of that… but honestly, I’m shit at math.

  5. You realize that most likely all her brain registered out of all that advice is the words “learn..discipline” “suck every…instructors” and even possibly “fuck….Domme” right? *chuckles*

    Where do I get one of those certificates for Graduates of Submission please? *grinz*

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

  6. I’d add… work on being kind to others. Great speech to college grads if you haven’t seen it. :) okay okay a little off topic but seems at least tangentially related to BDSM!

    http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/george-saunderss-advice-to-graduates/

  7. I like your advice about a year off, I have heard it said that education is wasted on the young and to a good degree (no pun intended) I believe it to be true.
    For to many it a a socializing time that comes with a big bill.
    I went to college in my mid-thirties after having had my own business for 15 years and I appreciated it much more soaking up all I could.
    Some very sage advice you gave DSD or was that advise?

    • For to many it a a socializing time that comes with a big bill.

      For some, yes. For others, not so much. We drowned in our disciplines and were still thirsty for more. But of course, some of us are nerdy and obsessive like that. :)

  8. I normally agree with your wise posts D, but I think here I’m going to have to differ with you and the other comment contributors on this topic.

    I think it depends a lot on the subject your going to study. From my personal experience, looking at it from someone who did an engineering degree and works in the software field, there has never been a better time to continuously acquire knowledge from multiple sources outside of school. The state of the art constantly changes and learning new stuff is an ongoing part of life. I’m glad I got my degree, it opened up doors for me. Moving to the US would have been very difficult without it. But I think spending my time immersed in my field in the world outside of academia would have been just as useful. I’ve worked with brilliant people who skipped college entirely and turned out to be just as successful and knowledgeable as those around them.

    I do pity the people who partied the entire way through school and came out with nothing but a hangover and a huge pile of debt. But I equally pity the people who spent the entire time studying and emerged with a piece of paper that, within a year or two, was worth nothing more than a tick box on a resume.

    So I don’t think college is a unique place to study and acquire knowledge. I do think it’s unique in its social set-up and opportunities. Your with lots of people your age, all in a new situation and insulated (to a degree) from the outside world. There’s a lot of optimism and openness to ideas. There’s never another time in your life like it.

    I had a great time at college. I studied and partied. But the one thing I regret is not taking more advantage of the organized social scene. i.e. The clubs, societies and interest groups. I think they were a unique opportunity I missed out on.

    So if I was going to give advice on going to college, it would be to strive for balance. Don’t focus on one thing at the expense of everything else. Doesn’t matter if that’s studying, or the social scene or your local BDSM organization. Try and explore them all.

    -paltego

    • I’m not sure that you’re disagreeing with me so much as responding to a slightly different question (or a questioner with a different context).

      But I think spending my time immersed in my field in the world outside of academia would have been just as useful. I’ve worked with brilliant people who skipped college entirely and turned out to be just as successful and knowledgeable as those around them.

      Sure. But, the woman asking the question is going to college. She isn’t deciding between going to college or not.

      So I don’t think college is a unique place to study and acquire knowledge.

      I agree that there are many places to study and acquire knowledge. However, if she’s already paying for it (or someone is), and if she’s committing herself to ~4 years of study, it’s unlikely she’ll have this opportunity again. It’s unique.

      The clubs, societies and interest groups. I think they were a unique opportunity I missed out on.

      I disagree (somewhat) that college is unique for it’s organized social scene. There are plenty of clubs, societies, and interest groups for older adults (out of college adults), it’s just that we don’t take advantage of them.

      Don’t focus on one thing at the expense of everything else. Doesn’t matter if that’s studying, or the social scene or your local BDSM organization. Try and explore them all.

      I disagree. She can explore a social scene, a BDSM organization, or lots of other sorts of clubs after college. However, after college, she will not have the opportunity to take four classes a semester with scholars, experts, and practitioners in her field. She will not have their attention simply because she shows up. Immersing herself in a field will not be as easy as it will be for her while she’s in college.

      • My comment about going or not going, and the ability to acquire knowledge from elsewhere, wasn’t designed to change the context of the question. It was a direct response to your focus on the study aspect. If you accept that the study aspect along represents the unique opportunity, then obviously that should be the focus. But if that’s not true, and what you actually study may less value in itself (because it can become outdated, or you can continuously revisit it), then that might alter the time/benefit equation. That was what I was trying to get at.

        I actually don’t think either of us answered the question as it was originally posed. The heart of your response was forget the other stuff and focus on study. I was responding to that. I’d say trading some study time for investigating D/s and the BDSM scene at college would be time well spent personally, but that’s just looking with hindsight from my personal perspective.

        I suspect a lot of the perspective difference may also come from the subject studied. I’d expect studying technology to be very different from say English Literature or Psychology.

        As for clubs and organizations, she may have the same availability post-college, if she lives in a major urban area. A lot of people don’t. But even if she does, the nature of those organizations will be very different. There’s something unique about a scene that changes rapidly (as students graduate away), has a constant influx of newbies like yourself, has many opportunities to take responsible roles quickly, and has a lot of people open to new ideas and experiences. That to me is unique and something you don’t see later.

        Anyway, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree here :). I suspect you have a higher opinion of academia than I do. My experience is a degree is what gets you your first job, but rapidly becomes irrelevant (outside of being a resume tick box) once you have industry experience to point at. So study enough to ensure that happens, and obviously study if you love doing so, but don’t study just for the fact you’ve paid for it. It’s a sunk cost at that point.

        -paltego

  9. Ahem- as chancellor of Femdom University College (snrk), and the RL host of my city’s youth munch, I will be the supporting voice about the value that college provides you to explore your sexuality.

    First, the school stuff really, really matters. But, if you’re part of the fresh faced cadre of people who grew up with the internet and thus have a significantly greater idea of what the funny, happy feeling you feel when you see a distressed/obedient boy/girl means than femdoms your age typically did in generations past… college may be your first time to not have to bring your sub home to the approval of your parents and put up with embarrassing shotgun jokes and curfews, or feelings you are not an independent adult because you still sleep in a room with marker scribbles on the baseboards from that time you were unsupervised at age 3…

    1) Your youth is going to attract people who should know better, both dom and sub. The creepy older guys will not usually have anything to offer. If May/December romances are not your thing, don’t feel you have to do it.

    2) Every sub is a little different and you may learn the figurative and literal ropes from the boys you beat. The good news is that loads of guys your age are also hitting college at the same time with a similar awareness of what they want in life.

    3) Unless you want to become a sex worker, ignore anyone trying to pay you to dominate, no matter how much it would help with tuition and books. That scene generally does not care about your desires as much as extracting pleasure from you- there are no free lunches when it comes to service either.

    4) Excepting sanity and safety, you do not have to be anyone other than yourself to dom. If you are naturally an angry fetish queen, hurrah, if not, you can rock your fuzzy slippers and sadistic giggles. All BDSM activities are to be treated like a buffet. Do not let subs tell you what a dominant MUST be. Play with, and date/own subs that are comfortable with you and who you are, and on the flip side, don’t expect every sub is into what you like. I learned the hard way that not all subs are masochists.

    5) Now you can go to munches! Yaye! your area may have a TNG or a 18-35 group too. As much as fetlife has problems, the events column will hook you up.

    6) Some colleges now have kinky student groups, for example McGill or Harvard. Expect this to be a growing trend.

    7) If you dabble in the BDSM scene, you may find an initial thrill followed by a complete lack of patience at how laaaaame everyone is. The thing to keep in mind is that the really lame people aren’t following D’s advice and typically BDSM is their life. The cool kinksters are the well rounded folk.

    8) Not all kinky people are in the scene- if you and the guy have good chemistry in Chemistry lab, you can experiment.

    9) Don’t blow your bursary on that corset- no matter how nice it is.

  10. Good advice for what I think is a bit of a tricky question. The high school boyfriend experience sometimes helps a younger woman gain confidence or at least familiarity with some of the features of
    a couples relationship. To jump from casual high school dating into d/s seems a huge leap that isn’t appropriate at this time. Would take a rare, mature-minded freshman to tackle that. I like the idea of balance. Some dating, a possible relationship down the line.. and mostly attention and focus on the college classes.

    Even though there are terrific opportunities in my area for a newbie to bdsm offered by the community, I think that delaying the entry into a community until career plans, and college graduation are completed is a good plan. Why? Because there are career choices that exclude a wide-open presence in the local scene. If you’ve put yourself and your photo has leaked out there as a member of a local community, it’s too late to grab it back, when you realize that it’s not the right time to be declaring your interests that openly. All the education and connections available thru local communities will still be there after graduation. It’s likely too that as mentioned, there will be chances to connect with good advisors at school who are knowledgeable about kinks. (who will protect your confidentiality)

    Great chunks of my own life, which have mattered so much to me, would have been impossible if my own proclivities had not been kept tightly guarded. I followed my own counsel (given above) and very glad I did.

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