Aug 302013
 

A much shorter, edited version of this post first appeared on LTASEX. I thought the longer, unedited version was worth sharing.


Close your eyes and picture a dominant woman. Conjure her in your mind.

The woman you imagine might be dressed in a well-tailored business suit or jeans and a t-shirt. She might be wearing a leather corset and stiletto heels or a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. It doesn’t really matter what she’s wearing or what she looks like — whether she’s a professional dominatrix, a business colleague, or the person you love — the dominant woman you imagined is probably graceful, confident, and commanding.

I am none of those things.

While I am the dominant partner in my D/s relationship, I’m also awkward, unsure, and indecisive. Those characteristics don’t mean I’m not dominant, they just mean I have to work a little harder for it. Dominance isn’t effortless for me.

I’m in my first D/s relationship and still consider myself new to BDSM. As a novice Domme, I find it takes a lot of work to compensate for my inexperience. While the D/s dynamic felt natural to me from the very beginning, the technical skills have not come so easily. Despite my sadism, I’m clumsy and often suffer more S&M related bumps and bruises than my masochistic, submissive partner. (The irony is not lost on me.)

Being inexperienced and uncoordinated is frustrating! I want to be good at everything… right now. I want to be the graceful, confident, commanding dominant I imagine in my head. But I fall short… a lot. I’m lucky to have a very patient partner, but he’s a lot more forgiving of me than I am.

Because so much of dominance is about command and control, I’m self-conscious about my shortcomings. My insecurities often manifest as excessive focus on technical skills or unimportant details. Sometimes I get so preoccupied with ‘doing it right’ (whatever it is… attire, grooming, sensory deprivation, impact play, etc.) that I don’t enjoy myself.

Am I holding this flogger correctly?
How many different sized butt plugs do I really need?
Exactly how many anal beads is too many?
Does this strap-on cock make my thighs look fat?

When I think about that stuff too much, I get stuck in my head and miss out on everything else — the physical sensations, the emotions, and the intimacy — all those lovely things that make playing fun and make sex worth having.

But I do have a secret weapon in the war against self-consciousness. There is one thing that never fails to get me out of my head — one kink that turns me into the graceful, confident, commanding dominant I want to be.

Rope.

With rope in my hands, I am dominant. (I swear the stuff is magic.)

That’s why rope is the kink nearest and dearest to my heart — it gets me out of my head, gives me grace I don’t have, and allows me to enjoy the physical, mental, and emotional elements that make for intimate, mind-blowing, truly satisfying sex.

Of course rope and bondage go hand-in-hand, but rope bondage is so much more than just plain old bondage. All by itself, bondage is simply the practice of restraining a partner. Restraint can be quickly and easily accomplished with a good set of wrist and ankle cuffs, some nylon webbing, and a couple of carabiners.

Using rope isn’t nearly as quick or easy, but it’s worth the time and effort because it’s so much more intimate and special. Rope bondage is as much about the process (the intimate practice of tying up a lover) as it is about the product (in my case, a beautiful bound man to use for my sexual pleasure).

rope-bottom-border

I was familiar with basic knot theory long before I ever thought about using rope in the bedroom. I learned a number of knots and their various uses from an ex-boyfriend (and former boy scout) who introduced me to recreational rock climbing, and from a summer I spent with friends sailing a catamaran around the Gulf of Mexico.

Knots aren’t rocket science, but they do take time to learn and practice to master. Fortunately, that time and practice can be a precursor to sex — taking the time to learn with your partner (and on your partner) means you’re spending time together and touching each other all over (without rushing right into groping your partner’s junk). It’s foreplay — it heightens anticipation for the big event and adds some drama to what might otherwise be boring, rushed, vanilla sex.

While my submissive is the one being tied (the ‘rope bottom’), I kink on rope specifically because of what it does to me when I’m tying (as the ‘rope top’). Tying my lover helps me clear my head of all those disruptive, self-conscious thoughts and helps me appreciate the moment. It makes me pay more attention to him — to his body and the way it moves, to his physical and emotional responses, and to his level of comfort (or discomfort). I notice the expression in his eyes, the sounds he makes, and the way his breathing speeds or slows in response to my touch. When I take notice of all those things, I realize how much I enjoy them and how much they turn me on.

Besides clearing my head and getting me hot and bothered, I appreciate the way that tying him is an exercise of our trust in each other (particularly when I tie him in stressful positions with elaborate ties and complicated knots). He has to trust me with his physical and emotional safety, and I have to trust that he’ll communicate with me if something isn’t right. For that reason, rope bondage makes us focus on each other instead of focusing on the act. Ultimately, it means we’re more present in the moment and more in tune with each other.

Of course, the best thing about rope bondage is the end result. Seeing a lover’s body crisscrossed with rope is so-fucking-hot.

In my mind, there is nothing more beautiful than a man unburdened of his strength, rendered helpless, bent and bound according to my wishes. Nothing is hotter than a man who is eager to give me control, and nothing turns me on quite like taking it.

When he’s bound and vulnerable, he is my plaything, mine to admire, to use, and enjoy. In that moment, I realize what I am — I’m the confident, graceful, commanding woman I want to be.
 

  16 Responses to “clumsy domination (rope kink, unabridged)”

  1. I have been learning the ropes, even before starting to learn them I had a love of Shibari. I find it beautiful, an art form.
    As you stated practicing the ties and knots on your partner is a tremendous type of foreplay.
    The whole procedure has brought me to the point of looking at different methods ties and knots.
    Having been a fisherman for many years I have some familiarity with tying and that has been a big help.
    One thing I have learned with rope is that patience comes in very handy and taking ones time as there is no hurry.
    Have a great weekend.

  2. I took a couple of rope classes up here in NYC. Though I am a life long submissive I was amazed at how much I liked doing the tying. We did very basic ties in the first class and some more involved stuff in the second. I did a harness in the second with braiding on my partner’s back. I went stag to both classes and my harness victim was an over weight, pretty dumpy, middle aged guy. But the rope harness with its beautiful braid up his back was erotic on its own. Rope is about reverence and ritual. Of course without partners to play with I’ve forgotten everything just when I’ve met someone who I’m cray cray about and who wants to be tied up. I need a refresher course! Great post rope domme!

    • I took a couple of rope classes up here in NYC. Though I am a life long submissive I was amazed at how much I liked doing the tying.

      That sounds like fun!

      I hate to hear when people shut themselves off to otherwise enjoyable experiences or practices because they’re one thing or another. If it were possible to take the erotic completely out of it, knot tying — all by itself — would be fun. Arts and crafts (from cooking to crocheting and coin collecting to carpentry) are enjoyable because there are always means to improve and make better products or practices.

      But the rope harness with its beautiful braid up his back was erotic on its own.

      Yes to this! The ties are beautiful, but the human body is beautiful, even if you don’t find it particularly arousing or attractive.

      Of course without partners to play with I’ve forgotten everything just when I’ve met someone who I’m cray cray about and who wants to be tied up

      Yeah. I have the same problem from time to time. With a weekend only boyfriend (if I’m lucky), I forget a lot of the bondage stuff too quickly. The knots themselves are easy enough to remember, but I forget how and were to put them to use.

      I’m willing to admit that on occasion, I’ve left a half-tied boy for a few moments to run and consult the interwebz. :)

      Go take that refresher course, advo! (Maybe soon, I’ll do the same) :)

  3. “While I am the dominant partner in my D/s relationship, I’m also awkward, unsure, and indecisive.”

    Quite. The idea that the whole of a multifarious personality is defined by and confined within the domain of sexual preference is patently absurd.

    I’ve seen many examples in the blogosphere of dommes who are painfully insecure. The odd thing is that anyone finds this surprising.

    Conversely there are submissives out there who are confident, well-grounded, and strong, and who may well play an emtionally supportive role for their dominant special other.

    The wondrous kaleidoscopic complexity and unpredictability of human relations.

    • The idea that the whole of a multifarious personality is defined by and confined within the domain of sexual preference is patently absurd.

      Agreed. And also, the idea that personality is fixed and unchanging — that someone who is confident is always confident, etc.

      I’ve seen many examples in the blogosphere of dommes who are painfully insecure. The odd thing is that anyone finds this surprising.

      Conversely there are submissives out there who are confident, well-grounded, and strong, and who may well play an emtionally supportive role for their dominant special other.

      This may due to the parts of the blogosphere I run in, but it seems far more ‘suprising’ to find an insecure dominant than a confident, well-grounded, etc., submissive. It seems most dominant types prefer subs who are those things — of course they would — confidence and strength are sexy. Conversely, insecurity isn’t desirable or sexy (to most people).

      I can see someone wanting a strong, grounded sub… but who wants an insecure dominant?

      (fuck… and there’s my insecurity taking again…) :)

  4. Thank for doing such a good job of putting into words why I love rope!

  5. May not be your thing but non-rope knot play can be a lot of fun. Silken ties can add a whole new dimension for sensory play and well, a greater choice of colours/texture than rope. Granted it can lose a bit of that oomph in control power thing from virtue of rope just being sturdy and all that entails, but the trade of is most pretties.

    • Silken ties can add a whole new dimension for sensory play and well, a greater choice of colours/texture than rope.

      I imagine that silk ties would add something special for sensory play. :)

      But, in terms of colors and textures, rope still offers a lot. I’ve seen a rainbow of rope colors offered at sex shops, and the variety of materials is dizzying. In fact, one of my favorite ropes is silk. :)

      I wonder about the variety of types of ties you can do with silk, too? I guess you could knot silk the same way you knot rope, but I imagine it would be more difficult to untie (is it?). Also, does anyone do elaborate stuff with silk ties… like a harness of silk ties?

      Now I’m curious… :)

  6. This was really good, thanks!

    I’m in a similar boat, being even newer to the scene, and being a switch. When I am dom’ing, I’m always a little bit unsure about what I’m doing. I like to dom, but I’m not a Dom, y’know? I’m not filled with any particular malevolently delightful feelings, I’m not all wicked, or have everything planned out. I just know that I like being in control there, and I like the sights and sounds of it all.

    I should try to find something like you have, a totem to help centre me.

    That said… I’ve never tried rope……… :D he he he

    • I just know that I like being in control there, and I like the sights and sounds of it all.

      Me too. I don’t always know what I’m doing, but I sure as heck enjoy it. :)

      I should try to find something like you have, a totem to help centre me.

      I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right. Rope is like a totem. Mmmm… meditations on rope bondage… hot.

  7. I think this is what separates a “rope person” from someone who uses rope. I can appreciate the beauty of the complicated and intricate shibari ties. They are stunning in pictures as well. But I find that I don’t connect to the rope of the bottom the way a “rope person” does. I use rope more as a means to an end. I do know that feeling of connection and intimacy that I see in a lot of rope scenes though. I just get there in different ways! And I can certainly look at a hot guy all bound in rope and think, “that’s hot.”

    • That’s the beauty of kinks — they’re functional for physical reasons, emotional reasons, practical reasons, intimacy, all that. While it might be functional for you, it might be a total mind-fuck for your partner (or vice versa). If not, try something else. :)

      Also, on bound men in rope, hot…. yes… absolutely! *drool*

  8. It was apparent to me in a fit of ‘creativity’ that you must have a rope tying session for all of us clueless folks who can only manage to make a mess of it rather than tie beautiful (or even regular) knots. And using the picture directions on the internet doesn’t help me a damn bit so I immediately thought about your affinity for rope and wondered if you could give your fans a tutorial, of sorts. Instead of spreading the love, you would be sharing the kink. :)

    • you must have a rope tying session for all of us clueless folks who can only manage to make a mess of it rather than tie beautiful (or even regular) knots.

      I thought about doing something like that, but it would take so much time! Instructions (good ones — clear, consistent, and understandable) are difficult to write. If I wasn’t so precious about my words and images, I might consider it. Maybe I will someday. :)

      With that said, I’m not sure I could do a much better job than what’s already out there on the interwebz.

      I think you have more faith in me than I have!

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