Jul 292013
 

Today’s reader question comes from Ermegarde Farnsworth from Yonkers, New York. Okay, fine, it was anonymous, but I’ve always liked the name “Ermengarde” — maybe it’s because I was forced to watch Hello Dolly! as a child…

Since J’s discovery of your blog, have you had any awkward or uncomfortable confrontations about a post that was not intended for his eyes? On the flip side, have there been any serendipitous moments?

See what you’ve done? Now you’ve gone and given me an opportunity to reflect on what’s changed since J started reading. And worse, I feel compelled to give a recap for newer readers! *shakes fist wildly* You know I’m long-winded, right? You only have yourself to blame…

The Recap

For newer readers, here’s the details on that. I didn’t tell J when I started writing the blog, and for a little over a year, he had no idea any of this existed. Fourteen months later, some information in my readership statistics made me suspect he had stumbled on it. After tracking his information against his habits (home vs. work access, when he’s awake vs. asleep), I was pretty sure he recognized himself as J and realized he was dating Dumb Domme. I called him out publicly (that was nerve-wracking, but fun!) and he responded (sweetly). While we don’t sit down and talk about it often, he checks in every day — I know he’s reading, and he knows I’m writing.

Awkward Moments?

awkward-smallWhile what I write here isn’t intended for J’s eyes, but I write knowing he’ll read it at some point. For that reason, there are times I want to write about something, but I don’t… for just that reason, to avoid causing him confusing and creating awkwardness.

Sometimes I want to post about an issue that we’re having in the moment to ask for advice, but that seems unfair. For one, sometimes he doesn’t know about the issue yet — the advice I’m looking for is about how approach him. For two, posting about an issue that’s happening currently, even one he knows about, feels like I’m potentially asking readers to gang up on him. As much as I might try to present something fairly, I can’t help but write the issue from my perspective. Whatever I write is going to be biased in my favor, no matter how much I might be in the wrong.

Sometimes I really want to vent (blustery, hot, noisy, and exaggerated… in the moment sort of stuff), but posting that seems passive-aggressive — as if I’m communicating through the blog instead of communicating with him directly.

I often draft stuff while I’m venting, thinking that I’ll post it after the issue is resolved. But by the time the issue is resolved, I’m either not motivated to finish it, or it feels wrong to bring it back up (particularly in the blustery, angry, reactionary way it first appeared in my head). Meh. I’m frustrated just thinking about it. I have loads of abandoned drafts — thoughts that were important to me that I also think might resonate with others… but until I feel more comfortable or figure out how to present them faily, they’ll just collect dust. *sigh*

Serendipitous Moments?

As for serendipity, there was one teeny-tiny thing, but it’s very minor. There might be others, but this is the only thing that comes to mind at the moment.

A few weeks ago, I posted this little contrast of sweetness and dumbfuckery from two submissive male flirty-friends. (J knows I have online friendships with other boys, but I don’t provide him with the details. I don’t think he wants details.) A week or so later, he was trying to cheer me up and jokingly offered to find one or both of them and arrange for an ‘unfortunate accident.’

He was kidding around, of course, but oddly (and sadly), it did cheer me up. As immature as it is, I like a little bit of measured jealousy in my men. His joking around was a way of telling me he’s aware I have other options — that I’m desirable — and more than that, it let me know he still wants me all to himself. I can’t help that the macho alpha-male-ass-kicking-type turns me on a little (in theory more than in practice…. hey, I already said it was immature… get off my back). Mmm… jealousy and machismo… I should write about that soon, shouldn’t I?

 


Have a Question?

[customcontact form=2]

I like silly questions: what would your Bond girl name be? do you prefer sausage links or patties? I like personal questions: would I go back to vanilla? do I ever fantasize about submitting? I like questions about D/s relationships, sex, and play: how do I get my wife to dominate me? is this dominant’s behavior normal? — I’m no expert, but I think I come up with some damn good advice.

If you’re going to ask for advice, be sure to provide relevant details (whether you’re in a relationship, what type of relationship, how long you’ve been in it, etc.)… otherwise, I can’t be sure that my response applies to you and your situation.

 

  10 Responses to “after the secret blog is no longer secret”

  1. This sort of thing happened to Mistress a few weeks back. A guy she’d had a brief fling with back in the fall – and who unexplicably dropped off the radar screen – got back in touch and confessed that he had inadvertently found the blog, and my somewhat snarky references to him as “Mr. Perfect Cock.”

    Oops. That was embarrassing. He clearly thought we were misleading him by talking about him in the blog behind his back. ANd he certainly had a right to be pissed.

    But now they’ve seen each other again…. and Mistress has somehow soothed his hurt feelings.
    . She’s good at that.
    Mick

  2. got back in touch and confessed that he had inadvertently found the blog

    I’m curious, if you don’t mind sharing, how did he stumble on the blog?

    But now they’ve seen each other again…. and Mistress has somehow soothed his hurt feelings.

    I’m sure she gave him a heartfelt, sincere apology, right? ;)

    • Actually, DD, now I’m curious how J found *your* blog.

      Ferns

      • Ha! Do you remember how I found your blog? :)

        A long, long, long time ago (when I was just starting to look for information on BDSM and D/s, before I started blogging) J sent me a link to your blog.

        A not-so-long-time-ago, J stumbled on my blog by reading your blog. :)

        He linked me to you, and you linked him to me. How fucking cute is that? We’re like a virtual threesome. :D

  3. “posting about an issue that’s happening currently, even one he knows about, feels like I’m potentially asking readers to gang up on him.”

    I so understand. Initially, I wanted to use my blog to cover more the day to day stuff… but always ran into a similar feeling. Seemed like anything controversial was off limits because I didn’t feel it was fair to him.

    • Yep. Me too. Keeping a boy who trusts me safe takes priority.

      But it means there’s a big difference between ‘anonymous’ and ‘not’.

      On a related note, given I recently ran a personal ad with no links to my blog, I have been tossing up at what point I would tell someone who *didn’t* know about the blog that it was there. Presumably before I write about him. But I do wonder if it will be an issue as in ‘you what?!! Aw hell no!”.

      I tend to think now that it’s ‘normal’ to have a sex blog, and that no-one would have an issue being written about if they trust me, but I know that my perception about this is entirely skewed.

      Ferns

      • But it means there’s a big difference between ‘anonymous’ and ‘not’.

        Tell me about it. You should see the size of my overstuffed drafts folder.

        at what point I would tell someone who *didn’t* know about the blog that it was there. Presumably before I write about him. But I do wonder if it will be an issue as in ‘you what?!! Aw hell no!”.

        I think I’d anticipate something different — that a new potential would be flattered by it and/or eager to prove his submissiveness by giving zealous consent. But later, when he realized it might not all be flattering, he might change his mind.

        that no-one would have an issue being written about if they trust me

        There are too many variables there, particularly how and when you write about someone. And in my mind, it’s not so much an issue of trust (J trusts me not to give away details he doesn’t want out), but an issue of potential hurt feelings and confusion.

        He knows I get blustery, knows I write to figure stuff out (particularly when I’m angry), and he’s okay with that. And I also think he’s okay with me posting it… in theory. In practice, although he knows the feelings are real, seeing them written out might hurt too much and cause too much confusion.

  4. “I think I’d anticipate something different — that a new potential would be flattered by it and/or eager to prove his submissiveness by giving zealous consent.”

    That’s my experience so far, but that experience to date is with boys who already knew about the blog. I think with a lot of private people, even the fact that *there is a sex blog (??!)* might freak them out. I mean, we all *points at everyone* think it’s normal and cool and such, but I ALSO think that we live in a funny sheltered little world here with all the other people who think it’s normal and cool and such.

    Personally, I find it very uncomfortable to be written about in a way that is out of my control. It makes me all kinds of edgy, so I can easily anticipate someone being very unhappy about it. When I had my (ex) boy write on my blog I had HUGE issues just stepping out of it and letting him write whatever he wanted. I hated it!

    “But later, when he realized it might not all be flattering, he might change his mind.”

    Ha! Yes, that too.

    “…it’s not so much an issue of trust (J trusts me not to give away details he doesn’t want out), but an issue of potential hurt feelings and confusion.”

    Ahhh… yes. We mean the same thing, just label it differently. When I say ‘trust’, I mean that he trusts me to keep him safe emotionally, and that includes from anything I put in my blog. I’m also aware that the angry mob of loyal readers would rip his virtual head off if I talked about him being a selfish jerkface bastard to me, even if it’s a fleeting feeling, and that’s unfair and hurtful in a different way.

    “…seeing them written out might hurt too much and cause too much confusion.”

    Yep. Having them documented and witnessed gives things a weight and a currency they often don’t deserve. There is no easy way to manage that.

    Ferns

 Leave a Reply