Jul 072013

Dear D,

I had a sub that left me for lack of knowledge since I am a novice Domme but I have done some research and have actually been talking to other dommes so I can be a better domme. If my ex sub that she wants to come back should I take her back and if so what boundaries if any should I set? thanks! ~Domme RF

This question is impossible to answer without more information — I have no idea what sort of relationship it was, how long you were together, your level of commitment, what sort of ‘knowledge’ you lack, etc.

But have no fear! I won’t let ignorance stop me from making a bunch of assumptions and giving you my thoughts (and some advice you didn’t ask for). Let’s break this down, shall we?

I had a sub that left me for lack of knowledge since I am a novice Domme.

If the only reason she left you is because you’re new and lack ‘knowledge,’ then fuck her.* Good riddance to bad rubbish.

If she liked your personality, your interests, your good qualities, and all the million other things that make you who you are, then she could have been patient and waited for you to learn. If she was really into you, then you would have been worth waiting for. Heck, if she was really into you and really impatient, she could have helped you learn.

But she didn’t. She left. She left because whatever knowledge you lack is more important to her than you are.

I have done some research and have actually been talking to other dommes so I can be a better domme.

Good on you for learning! You should want to be better, both for yourself and for your future sub. Reading and talking with more experienced people helps a lot, but those things won’t substitute for experience (experience in scenes, experience using various skills, and/or experience in a D/s relationship). Everyone is new when they start, and the only way to gain real experience is to find someone to gain experience with. (And that’s where your former sub could have helped you out a little.)

If my ex sub that she wants to come back should I take her back and if so what boundaries if any should I set?

Well, do you want to take her back? Are you willing to take her back knowing that if you don’t meet her ‘knowledge’ standards, she might leave again?

If she’s worth that risk, then go for it. If not, then move on.


Advice You Didn’t Ask For

You didn’t mention anything about looking for a new relationship, but I’m going to give you some advice anyway. (It’s my blog… I’ll give you advice if I want to!)

If you decide to look for someone new, figure out what you want first.

Think about what you’re looking for in a partner, what’s important to you, and what you want out of a relationship. (Check out TPVS’s relationship checklist over at Pervertically Virtuous — she’s a woman who knows what she wants.) Think about your priorities — your needs, your wants, and your expectations. Figure out what you’re willing to compromise on and what you aren’t willing to compromise on in a D/s relationship. (See Ferns’ “Compromise in D/s Relationships,”).

After you’ve done that work, when you find a potential, ask her to tell you about all that same stuff. Ask her what she’s looking for in a relationship. Ask her about her priorities. Be clear and specific about what you’re asking for and demand that she be clear and specific in return.

If she isn’t clear, then ask more questions. For example, if she says she’s looking for a Domme who loves foreign films, is an expert flogger, likes to play board games, enjoys doling out verbal humiliation, and is intelligent, monogamous, and libertarian, that’s good information, but it doesn’t tell you which of those characteristics is most important. It doesn’t tell you what she really values. If you get a list of characteristics like that, ask her to prioritize it from most important to least important. That way, you’ll find out if someone values intelligence over flogging expertise or prioritizes humiliation over political affiliation.

(For the record, there’s nothing wrong with prioritizing kinks over other things. There’s also nothing wrong with prioritizing other things over kinks. You just have to make sure that a potential partner prioritizes roughly the same things you do.)

I highly recommend that you go over to the Masocast podcast website and listen to Axe’s interview with Ferns (from Domme Chronicles). The whole interview is great, and Ferns gives some particularly good advice for people new to D/s, people looking for partners, and people in new D/s relationships (the part I’m referencing starts approximately 1 hour and 10 minutes in). In short, her advice is this: Separately, in writing, each of you describe a what a perfect day or perfect week looks like in your ideal D/s relationship. When you’re done, share what you wrote and see how well your perfect day matches up with your potential partner’s perfect day. If they match up well, fantastic! If they don’t, then perhaps you aren’t well suited to a relationship together.


*I’m really struggling here, not knowing what sort of ‘knowledge’ you lack. Are we talking scene skills (like giving commands, flogging, bondage techniques)?  knowledge of how D/s works? how to interact with a submissive? how to ‘be dominant’?


  6 Responses to “Ask D: my sub left because I’m a new Domme”

  1. I think you did a great job, both with the information you had, and with going above it.

  2. Thanks for the shout-out. Great advice, as usual :)

    • No problem! It’s a great idea — making a sort of ‘wanted characteristics’ list before finding a someone. More people should do it!

  3. I usually refrain from commenting on your posts – not because I am indifferent to them but because I have a feeling of emasculation when reading them. But this one is very thoughtful and has several links for readers to get more. Thanks!

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