Jul 182013
 

As an adjective for an individual or activity, ‘kinky’ is a dirty word, and not always in the good way. The term has negative connotations outside of sex-positive discourse communities to imply that people or practices are weird, perverted, or unhealthy. Even within sex-positive communities that embrace non-normative sexuality and expression, ‘kink’ can be a loaded term, particularly when used interchangeably with ‘fetish.’

So, when I was asked to write a guest post about one of my kinks for another blog, I was a little apprehensive.

Sure, kinks and fetishes are weird, but PIV vanilla sex is pretty fucking weird all by itself.

So… you’re going to put that strange-looking swollen protuberance between your legs inside the slippery wet opening between my legs… and then your going to thrust and grunt until your protuberance vomits slimy whitish goo… INSIDE MY BODY?!?  How romantic.
dumb domme says...

Writing about a specific kink in a guest post is like mentioning your kink when you meet someone for the first time: “Hi. I’m Dumb Domme and I’m sexually aroused by [fill in the blank]. Nice to meet you.”

Pardon the pun, but I don’t want to be pegged as someone who is preoccupied with strap-ons, or singularly focused on bondage, or far-too-interested floggers. I don’t want to be reduced to being just a sadist, a rope top, a butt plug collector, or even a dominant. I am more than my kinks.

You know that, and if you’re reading here, you probably feel the same way about your own kinks. But a new audience? They might not give me that chance. I might end up being that weird girl with a weird pseudonym who is into weird stuff. (Fuck, that is me, isn’t it? Dammit.)

Anyway, while I was considering it, I got to thinking about my favorite kinky experiences and what made them memorable, meaningful, or significant. Of course they were memorable because they were hot, but they were meaningful because of the emotions and the intimacy involved. Ultimately, realizing the connection between kink and intimacy is what convinced me to try writing about it — I wanted to communicate both the physical and emotional dimensions of my kink to an audience that might not be kinky.

I’m really pleased with the finished piece — it turned out to be as much about the kink as it is about the way it makes me feel, how it encourages intimacy, and how it’s an expression of my connection to my partner. I’ll let you know when it’s available (soon!).

 

  9 Responses to “more than my kinks?”

  1. Right on the money.

    If you look at ‘vanilla’ and ‘kink’ as if you were a visitor from another galaxy, they both appear equally bizarre.

    Which presumably is why Leo Bersani wrote:

    “Sex is a tautology for masochism.

    We desire what nearly shatters us, and the shattering experience is, it would seem, without any specific content – which may be our only way of saying that the experience cannot be said, that it belongs to the nonlinguistic biology of human life.”

    • Desire, le objet petit, jouissance… that which cannot be described/inscribed in language cannot be fully realized, understood, or shared. Language is an inadequate and imperfect medium. :)

  2. You don’t say Hello my name is Dumbdomme and I am into pegging? I guess only I do that. *laughs* just kidding. I will be interested when that piece comes out to read it.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

  3. Of course they were memorable because they were hot, but they were meaningful because of the emotions and the intimacy involved

    I can really relate to this. For me personally, I have little interest in kinky experiences without emotion or intimacy being involved, because without some kind of connection, kink feels like little more than role play.

    Also… Language is an inadequate and imperfect medium. :) … This is *VERY* true, but while my speech may be inadequate and imperfect, I can usually make up for it in volume. (Mine goes to eleven!)

    • because without some kind of connection, kink feels like little more than role play.

      I know a lot of people enjoy play with acquaintances and strangers, and that’s awesome for them — it would be a lot easier if all of us could get a fix without needing some sort of connection! But I second your thoughts. I’ve done a little play with acquaintances and it’s not as exciting or fulfilling.

      while my speech may be inadequate and imperfect, I can usually make up for it in volume. (Mine goes to eleven!)

      I know! I’m realizing I’m the worst at this! I’m so worried that I’m not clear that I end up writing/saying more, and more, and more…

      • That!… Exactly!!! It’s when feel that I’m not being clear that a ramble overmuch and put my foot in it. Sometimes it feels like the only time I ever open my mouth, it’s to switch feet.

  4. Either I’m very lucky, very sheltered or both, because I don’t think that I ever have heard the word kinky in a bad way. To me kinky has always been a description like brunette, bookish or tall, neither good nor bad, it just is …

    Anyways, I’m looking forward to read that guest post =)

    • because I don’t think that I ever have heard the word kinky in a bad way.

      I’ve heard it around in vanilla contexts. In my experience, some random dude will rag on a girl he slept with, sort of making fun of her for being into wild, crazy, or kinky sex. It’s similar to how men (often) will say a girl is slutty — he wants to have sex with her, but then after he does, he describes her as ‘slutty’ to his friends.

      In kinky communities (especially the online ones), it’s often used to playfully make fun of people (or not so playfully) — putting down people who are into foot fetishes, or crossdressing, etc. (of course, I’m guilty of some of that myself). Some kinks and fetishes are more acceptable than others.

      Also, the guest post is up!

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