Jul 222013
 

dumb-domme-007-4

Today’s reader question comes from SPECTRE Sub from Fuckmenistan [redacted] who wants to know what my “Bond girl” character name would be.

Full disclosure: I’ve never watched a James Bond film nor have I read the novels. I understand the premise (spies, shagging, shaken martinis), I recognize some of the names (Pussy Fingerbang, Holly Goldentwat, and Tits McNipples, right?), and I’ve seen clips, but I’m not familiar with the specifics of plots or characters. With that said, I’m going to make some guesses and answer anyway…

But first, let’s take a look at Spectre’s question, shall we?

Hi DD,
So among your many self-descriptions, they include: butt plug collector, ruthless capitalist stripper whore, ninja. Certainly the qualities of a strong woman.
So my question is, if you were a “Bond Girl”, what would your character name be? Would you be the heroine (who gets to ride James Bond like a thoroughbred) or the femme fatale (who gets to ride James Bond like a thoroughbred, only to die along the way)? Keep in mind, the more misogynistic the name (see Pussy Galore or Dr. Holly Goodhead), the funnier it becomes.
Just curious,
SPECTRE Sub

line breakSpectre,

Thanks for the question. Unfortunately, I can’t answer it because it’s founded on a faulty premise — you suggest there are only two kinds of Bond girls: the heroines and the femme fatales.

First, I’m not sure you understand what ‘femme fatale’ means. It’s not a literal translation; it doesn’t mean ‘chick who dies.’ A femme fatale is a woman who uses her sexuality to get what she wants, typically to the detriment of the man who falls for her feminine wiles. I suspect most of the Bond girls are femme fatales — the ones who live and the ones who die.

James-Bond-Masturbation-Aids

original composite (without text) by Caroline Bonarde Ucci [GFDL, CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Second, of the Bond girls who live, none seem very heroic. Sure, they fuck him, but that’s hardly an act of heroism (have you seen Daniel Craig? fuckinghot…). And while most of them help Bond get out of sticky situations, usually, they have their own nefarious agendas that lead them to double cross Bond or otherwise complicate his mission.

That’s not a heroine — that’s a problematic fuck toy who just happens to save Bond from getting his balls cut off… only to leave him stranded on a deserted island or in a burning building. But at least he still has his balls, right?

Anyway, to answer your question…

I wouldn’t want to be a femme fatale Bond girl. Instead of using by body to get what I want, I’d rather use intelligence and hard work. I prefer to use brains instead of breasts, and my cunning instead of my cunt.

I wouldn’t want to be the fucks-and-dies Bond girl. I mean… going out fucking in a blaze of glory sounds great, but that’s only something I’ll consider after my 98th birthday.

I wouldn’t want to be a fucks-and-lives Bond girl either. At worst, Bond girls are dishonest bitches. At best, they’re masturbation aids who usually do more harm than good.

Dumb-Domme-Bond-Boy-NamesSo, which Bond girl do I want to be? None of them.

Why do I have to be a Bond girl? Fuck that noise.

I want to be James Bond.

I’ll be the tough, yet sophisticated hero(ine) who kicks ass, fucks like she means it, and always wins in the end.

My name is Bond… Domme Bond.

(‘Dumb Bond’ just doesn’t sound as cool.)

You know, if I was Domme Bond, I’d definitely want some Bond boys. They can keep me company, look good on my arm, and be my masturbation aids when I need some stress relief after a hard day of kicking ass. They can be my fuck toys… at least until a tragic accident or until the credits roll….

Now, be a good boy and go fetch me a martini, mhmm-kay?
line breakdumb-domme-bond-3

  31 Responses to “if I were a Bond girl”

  1. HA!!! Great post, and I especially love the graphic elements.

    I also think you’d be much better as Domme Bond, than a mere Bond girl. Of course, a Bond boy would also be an absolute necessity. Not only would he keep you company, and do all that other good stuff you mentioned, but he could come to your rescue when you accidentally tied yourself to a chair!

    I’m even sure he wouldn’t mind too much about the possibility of a tragic accident if only for the chance to hang with and fetch martinis for a secret agent with such savoir-faire

    • but he could come to your rescue when you accidentally tied yourself to a chair!

      You’ve got a good point there, Stephen. :) I mean, not like I’d ever be clumsy enough to tie myself to a chair, but IF it ever happened, someone to untie me might be useful. :)

      I’m even sure he wouldn’t mind too much about the possibility of a tragic accident if only for the chance

      Unfortunately, I’m the accident prone one, so I imagine he’s safer than I am! ;)

  2. Nice logo!

    boy

  3. Hilarious.

    Seriously though, deconstructing popular culture to reveal the darkness of the patriarchal bullshit that lurks within is an excellent way of subverting it.

  4. Excellent idea.

    Mick

  5. Great post!

  6. First, I love these graphics. Brilliant!

    Second, I feel a bit envious, since I think I’m too old to play arm candy (unless you’re Judy Dench, perhaps). But maybe I could play the retired agent who has been called back for assistance, who ends up getting captured and tortured by a rogue groups of counter-agents, and who Domme Bond has to rescue at the last minute.

    Uhh… I have to go now.

    • Second, I feel a bit envious, since I think I’m too old to play arm candy

      That’s okay. I’m too clumsy to play a secret agent. :)

      who Domme Bond has to rescue at the last minute.

      Fine, fine. I’ll rescue you (after the Rogue Agents have their way with you–I’m a very busy woman). But then will you fetch me a martini? It’s the least you could do… I mean, I’m sure you could do more… ;)

      • I’ll even make the martini for you – as long as it’s not one of those ridiculous apple-mocha-daquiri-tinis.

        But, umm, yes, let the counter-agents (who all look like Angelina Jolie) have their way with me for a few hours first. kthx.

  7. Seymore Manhole….

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  8. Ooooh oooh, I want to be a bound -er- I mean Bond boy! What would my name be? I can make drinks and a I look good on a leash, plus I really dig women in tuxedos.

    • Edge Inghertz? Chaste Johnson?

      • I was thinking more like : Dick Goodthrob, or Randy Pegbottom.

        • I’m sorry, Peroxide. I’m going to need a lot less ‘obvious’ and a lot more ‘clever’ if you’re planning to apply for the position of Bond boy. Actually, applicants should expect to find themselves in a number of positions….

          • Less obvious? Seriously?

            You do know that the second first Bond girl was Honor Blackman, who played a character named “Pussy Galore,” right? In fact, that name was the inspiration for the Austin Powers character, “Alotta Fagina” (which my autocorrect changed into “Sports Cabins”).

          • Less obvious? Seriously?

            Yes. Less obvious. Perhaps my standards are higher than Ian Fleming’s and whoever wrote the Austin Powers screenplay. (Let’s hope so.)

            You do know that the second first Bond girl was Honor Blackman, who played a character named “Pussy Galore,” right? right? In fact, that name was the inspiration for the Austin Powers character, “Alotta Fagina”

            You do know that I’ve read none of the novels, watched none of the Bond films, and none or the Austin Powers films, right?

            I will not apologize for having high standards… otherwise I’d take any old Big Johnson, Dick Everready, or Cock Gigantous. I’m very selective…

  9. Who proofs this stuff ? I found at least two mis-typ-errs. Thanks for the distraction. :D

    • I’m sorry Uxorious. I’ll let the Department of Femdom Blogs know they should deduct a little from my paycheck this week on the count of the typos.

  10. I disagree with Tom, old dudes can make fine arm candy. A tad stale and maybe a little cracked, but vintage arm candy nonetheless. I myself am a big Bond movie fan and the feeling I got while reading “From Russia With Love” was kind of the same as watching Diana Rigg as Emma Peel, British secret agent extraordinaire in “The Avengers”. When I was about 14. Actually you can catch her as Margaery Tyrell’s grandma on “Game of Thrones”. Still the wonderously witty and acerbic Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire. She was my gateway fetish to Julie Newmar…

    • I understood your first two sentences, advochasty. :) After that, you lost me. I’m not familiar with any of the references you made. Knowledge-of-pop-culture = fail.

      • “Knowledge of pop culture = fail” Nah, no fail. Me vapid Bond boy. Diana Rigg as Emma Peel wore a skin tight black leather outfit and kicked bad guy ass. She is a highly regarded British stage actress who crossed over to TV. “Game of Thrones” is a current HBO kings and queens, knights and swords epic When I saw Diana Rigg on the credits I had to google her to figure out which character she played. I was shocked! But it inspired me to start reading the massive anthology upon which “Games” is based; “A Song of Fire and Ice”.

        Oh how I digress. Lacking pop culture knowledge is one of your infinite charms!

        Julie Newmar was Catwoman on the 60’s Batman show. I have conducted a very scientific survey which concludes that subbie guys of a certain age all view her as their first domme. Really, I have statistics!

  11. Well done post – always fun to turn the legends upside down. ‘The name is Bond-age, Domme Bond-age’… then queue the Bond music…’Domme-de-di-dommedomme, domme, domme-de-di-dommedomme..domme domme domme domme…domme domme domme….’ :D

  12. Hi DD:

    Brilliant post! Love the names of your Bond Boys! Unfortunately you revealed my secret agent alias “Hugo Down”. Now my cover is blown and I will have to retire to the safe house for debriefing.

    I couldn’t help but notice your exchange with Advo so if I may be of assistance I recently put up a post that featured Mrs. Emma Peel of the Avengers and linked to a montage on YouTube that can be found here.

    I hope that helps. Also I mix a mean dry martini.

    Best

    hmp

 Leave a Reply