Today’s reader question comes from SPECTRE Sub from Fuckmenistan [redacted] who wants to know what my “Bond girl” character name would be.
Full disclosure: I’ve never watched a James Bond film nor have I read the novels. I understand the premise (spies, shagging, shaken martinis), I recognize some of the names (Pussy Fingerbang, Holly Goldentwat, and Tits McNipples, right?), and I’ve seen clips, but I’m not familiar with the specifics of plots or characters. With that said, I’m going to make some guesses and answer anyway…
But first, let’s take a look at Spectre’s question, shall we?
Thanks for the question. Unfortunately, I can’t answer it because it’s founded on a faulty premise — you suggest there are only two kinds of Bond girls: the heroines and the femme fatales.
First, I’m not sure you understand what ‘femme fatale’ means. It’s not a literal translation; it doesn’t mean ‘chick who dies.’ A femme fatale is a woman who uses her sexuality to get what she wants, typically to the detriment of the man who falls for her feminine wiles. I suspect most of the Bond girls are femme fatales — the ones who live and the ones who die.Second, of the Bond girls who live, none seem very heroic. Sure, they fuck him, but that’s hardly an act of heroism (have you seen Daniel Craig? fuckinghot…). And while most of them help Bond get out of sticky situations, usually, they have their own nefarious agendas that lead them to double cross Bond or otherwise complicate his mission.
That’s not a heroine — that’s a problematic fuck toy who just happens to save Bond from getting his balls cut off… only to leave him stranded on a deserted island or in a burning building. But at least he still has his balls, right?
Anyway, to answer your question…
I wouldn’t want to be a femme fatale Bond girl. Instead of using by body to get what I want, I’d rather use intelligence and hard work. I prefer to use brains instead of breasts, and my cunning instead of my cunt.
I wouldn’t want to be the fucks-and-dies Bond girl. I mean… going out fucking in a blaze of glory sounds great, but that’s only something I’ll consider after my 98th birthday.
I wouldn’t want to be a fucks-and-lives Bond girl either. At worst, Bond girls are dishonest bitches. At best, they’re masturbation aids who usually do more harm than good.
So, which Bond girl do I want to be? None of them.
Why do I have to be a Bond girl? Fuck that noise.
I want to be James Bond.
I’ll be the tough, yet sophisticated hero(ine) who kicks ass, fucks like she means it, and always wins in the end.
My name is Bond… Domme Bond.
(‘Dumb Bond’ just doesn’t sound as cool.)
You know, if I was Domme Bond, I’d definitely want some Bond boys. They can keep me company, look good on my arm, and be my masturbation aids when I need some stress relief after a hard day of kicking ass. They can be my fuck toys… at least until a tragic accident or until the credits roll….
Now, be a good boy and go fetch me a martini, mhmm-kay?