Jun 282013
 

The undertoad is still around, but he’s less threatening now that some unpleasant anniversaries and deadlines have passed. They’re behind me, but they certainly left their mark.

June kicked my ass.

I’m still waiting on the fallout. I have no idea whether I’m absolutely fine or I’m on the verge of a (minor) emotional breakdown. It could go either way.

In the past month, I’ve found myself near tears a couple of times for various reasons — physical, mental, personal, and professional. That’s a strange state for me, as I don’t cry easily or often. What’s even weirder is that once or twice, I wanted to cry.

Last night, it happened again. I was tired, a little lonely, and in the middle of a work project, and without any obvious impetus, tears threatened. I found myself willing them to come. I wanted them. I was frustrated, not with anything in particular, but I was desperate for something, some sort of purging, a catharsis… some external physical indication of my internal state.

As tears welled in my eyes, I tried to grab a hold of what might have caused them. I wanted to roll around in whatever thought or feeling invoked them… but nothing happened. I couldn’t will myself to cry. Perhaps it’s because there wasn’t anything I could blame. Nothing in particular made me ‘sad’ — it was more a general frustration. I guess that’s the difference between invocation and inspiration, right?

At some point, I actually Google searched “what does ‘need a good cry’ mean?” and subsequently, “how to make yourself cry.” Seriously. I did that.

After reading about possible health benefits of crying, and in the midst of futility searching for instructions on how to make myself shed tears, I recognized how fucking ridiculous it was… the seemingly rational ‘logic’ born of irrational emotion, a mechanical search for something human, the pursuit of artificial means to something natural.

While I failed to produce tears, the inability gave me something to focus my frustration on, and that felt good… for a moment.

And then I realized how sad it was for such a thing to give me solace.

“Silly, irrational girl,” I thought… and then I went back to work.

 

  22 Responses to “the tears won’t come (despite my efforts)”

  1. Obviously, you don’t drink enough. The next time you’re feeling maudlin, grab a couple of cocktails, and that should help it along. I’ll have a couple with you, and we could share tearful tweets.

    • The next time you’re feeling maudlin, grab a couple of cocktails, and that should help it along.

      Aaaannd now you understand why I’ve been laying off liquor for a while. :) Not that drinking has ever made me cry, but I do think it makes whatever feelings I’m having seem bigger than they really are. It amplifies things for me — sad, happy, lonely, horny… the works.

      The month was though enough without amplification!

      All the same, cheers. :)

  2. Could always willingly stub a toe.

    • Ha! If stubbing a toe could bring on catharsis, I’d be outside kicking bricks in my bare feet right now.

      And also, I tolerate pain very well. Once, I reset my own kneecap after a patellar dislocation. About a year ago(?), my shoulder ‘slipped’ out of the socket while I was playing with J. I used some rope, tied my own wrist to a banister, and threw my body backwards to reset it… all by myself… no panic, no yelling and screaming, and certainly no tears.

      Like I said, I don’t cry easily. I wasn’t kidding. :) A stubbed toe isn’t going to do it for me.

      (And for the record… because someone will ask or mention this if I don’t… I DO NOT enjoy pain. I tolerate it well, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it!)

  3. You are not silly or irrational. Everyone copes with things differently. You wanted to cry to release your feelings. I absolutely hate crying and have done it far too much lately. *hugs* Know that I am around D.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    • No, no… I am silly and irrational! My only rationality comes in recognizing my irrationality.

      Hmm… well, it makes perfect sense to me!

  4. I’m in the same boat as mysticlez. I’ve been crying too much recently.

    • Neo, now you and Mystic are just bragging, aren’t you? :) (I kid!)

      I’m sorry to hear about your tears… particularly if they’re unwanted. Here’s to less crying, less want for crying, and less reason for crying for all of us. :)

  5. Funny old thing this crying lark.

    On one side of my family I come from a long line of Middle Eastern jews who were nothing if not emotionally incontinent. Just about everything was a matter for either tears or screaming hysteria. So I cry at just about anything – sad movies, anything that smacks of social injustice, certain pieces of music (Leonard Cohen gets deep into the entrails).

    My good lady, who comes from more dour Anglo-Saxon stock, is either embarrassed or uncomprehending. My kids, less so.

    On the other hand, I have a wicked sense of humour, and laugh a lot too. Laugh till I cry in fact.

    If you want to cry at will, I suspect you will have to go to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, or take a course in method acting.

    • emotionally incontinent.

      Isn’t there some sort of medication for that? Maybe? I thought I saw an advertisement somewhere…

      On the other hand, I have a wicked sense of humour, and laugh a lot too. Laugh till I cry in fact.

      Ah. I’m ethnically a mutt, but I have some strong representation from Ireland and Russia in there somewhere. I guess I got the ability to laugh easily, but not the opposite ability to cry. Laughing until I cry? That’s been known to happen. :)

      If you want to cry at will, I suspect you will have to go to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, or take a course in method acting.

      I took an improv class once, but I suspect that doesn’t count…

  6. Try something that simulates and stimulates the emotion and release you want. Music would be my choice. What the song is would be down to your own personal tastes.

    • Thanks for the suggestion, Puck, but music doesn’t do it for me. It can certainly bring my mood down, but I don’t think it’s ever made me cry (except La Traviata that one time… but I swore I’d never speak of it again…)

  7. Chopping onions, although not practical if you’re not cooking, usually works a treat for me.

    I can’t cry at will though – sometimes, when S is spanking me, I can feel the tears start to form and I *want* them, but then they disappear again, leaving me feeling like I’ve missed the opportunity to just let go. Which then frustrates me and leaves me in an emotionally weird place.

    However, I can cry with laughter at totally inopportune moments, like when I managed to wake both myself and S up at 3am by elbowing him very hard in the face…sadly, he didn’t see the funny side :(

    • Chopping onions, although not practical if you’re not cooking, usually works a treat for me.

      Excuse my nerd-tendancies, but I actually did some reading on the connection between the release of ‘bad’ hormones and crying. Studies suggest that crying due to environmental factors (eye irritation) does nothing for mood. Of course, I guess you could try to think of something sad while you’re dicing…

      However, I can cry with laughter at totally inopportune moments, like when I managed to wake both myself and S up at 3am by elbowing him very hard in the face…sadly, he didn’t see the funny side :(

      I can laugh myself to tears on occasion, too. :) As for elbowing him in the face, I have no idea why your partner didn’t see the humor in it… I thought it was funny!

  8. Research on why we cry is fascinating. I believe the trend nowadays is towards skepticism of the whole ‘good cry’ concept. My mother once gave me advice on how to cry if the tears won’t come, and I have had some limited success with her tactic: Take a hot shower. Hasn’t always worked, but it did make crying a lot easier on a few notable occasions.

    It’s too weird to wish someone tears. I wish you only happiness! Good luck with your work.

    • Research on why we cry is fascinating. I believe the trend nowadays is towards skepticism of the whole ‘good cry’ concept.

      Both statements are true! Yes, some of the research is fascinating! And yes, the trend seems to be suspect of the ‘good cry’ improving mood theory.

      I wish you only happiness! Good luck with your work.

      Thanks, Brugmansia. :)

  9. I am one of those emotionally labile people who cry fairly often. At 52, I’m okay with it. I spent a lot of years working hard at not feeling anything at all, so the fullness of emotion I have now is a blessing.

    Only you can determine what’s right for you emotionally. I am one of those people who cracks jokes at funerals because I am so uncomfortable with grief, yet cries at the ASPCA commercials for abused animals. Go figure.

    • I spent a lot of years working hard at not feeling anything at all, so the fullness of emotion I have now is a blessing.

      That’s a really beautiful thought, night owl! Thank you. :)

  10. Find a good movie. One that will pull the catharsis out of you and allow you to cry. Or, the alternative is go do something really physical. Exhaustion works too.

    Hugs!

    • I hate sad movies… actually, I’m not a huge fan of film in general. The physical exhaustion thing is a good idea… I often feel better after a good run.

  11. This sounds SO familiar, and you describe it so well; I know that feeling. And I don’t think it’s all that irrational; perhaps googling is a bit extreme, but when I read this I thought “Man – I wish I’d thought to do that any one of the hundreds of times I’ve needed to cry.” I now have certain music I know will push me over that edge if I need it but yes… I think crying is hugely underrated.

    • perhaps googling is a bit extreme, but when I read this I thought “Man – I wish I’d thought to do that any one of the hundreds of times I’ve needed to cry.”

      I did smile when I realized how ridiculous it was! It’s odd to find logic in extremely illogical moments. :)

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