Jun 042013
 

I hate writing about this stuff. I hate that I’m compelled to write about this stuff… but it’s the only way to get it out of my cluttered brain…
linebreaksmIn continuation of my last post, I’ve been thinking about a sort of transition plan (complete with contingency clauses) for moving from a romantic, D/s relationship to a vanilla friendship — a plan for moving on.

known:

We will break

When J moves out of state, we will break up — we don’t want a long distance relationship.* It’s not sustainable, in part because neither of us has plans to join the other. J is leaving to pursue his dreams and I’m staying here to work on mine.

We will break on good terms

I’m happy. I’m happy with J and I’m happy with our relationship. We’re having fun and enjoying each other, we’re communicating well, and we aren’t growing apart. The relationship is great… with the one teeny tiny exception that it will probably be over soon.

We want to stay friends

We get along well, we care about each other, and we have a lot of stuff in common.

unknown:

D/s Dissolution

J doesn’t submit because he has to — he submits because he feels submissive towards me. The same thing goes for me on the other side of the slash. Those feelings won’t evaporate the minute he crosses time zones, and I think it would hurt to pretend they no longer exist. I have no idea how long it will take those feelings to fade or if they’ll fade away at the same rate for each of us — that’s something we can’t control. What we can control is the degree to which our actions and interactions reflect a diminishing D/s dynamic over time.

Communication

My long term goal is to maintain a friendship. But in the short term, I have no idea how I’ll react or what I’ll want. My guess is that immediately following the move, I’ll either 1) want (need?) more attention from him, or 2) want no interaction with him at all (but only for a period of time while I get over the worst of the self-pity and shell-shock).

I don’t know what he’ll need, and we can’t know for sure how he’ll feel about interaction immediately following the move. What I do know is that he’ll be very busy for a while, so he’ll have lots of other things to keep his mind occupied. I also realize he may be too busy to indulge me as much as I’d like (if that ends up being what I want).

Friendship

I want J and I to be friends, but that’s easier said than done. Besides that, ‘friends’ is vague — what kind of friends do we want to be?

My long term hope is that we’ll be the sort of friends who keep in touch, who update each other on the important stuff, who don’t hesitate to reach out if one of us needs the other for whatever reason. I don’t expect frequent contact, but I do want to be close enough that he knows I’ll be there for him no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how many miles are between us.

That’s my hope, but I have no idea how likely it is. What happens if being friends (either in the immediate or in the long term) is too painful for one of us? What happens if one of us really needs the friendship, but it hurts too much for the other?

What happens when one of us starts a new relationship? Will talking about new relationships be a part of our friendship? Can we do that in a healthy way?

Visiting (… and Fucking)

Again, I have no idea how I’ll feel after he leaves and some time has passed, but as of right now, I’d like to leave open the possibility of seeing him again sometime. (I don’t mean seeing him as in dating him, I mean seeing him for a visit.)

Occasionally I go out west on business, and even if I wasn’t going for work, I could see myself flying out just to spend a few days with him. And, he has friends and business contacts here, so there’s some chance he’ll come back on occasion too. If he’s willing and we’re able, I’d like to see him. And, if neither one of us is in a monogamous relationship, if we’re still attracted to each other, and if we’re both game, I’d like to leave open the possibility for playing, fucking, and spending a couple of days in bed.

I know, I know. Fucking an ex is dangerous. I get that. But our situation is different — we aren’t breaking up because we’re not right for each other, or because we have an unhealthy relationship, or because we’re growing apart, or because we have issues we can’t resolve. We’re breaking up because he’s leaving. And I’m sure playing will fire up old feelings, but those feelings and that connection is a big part of why I enjoy playing with J. I may feel differently later, but as of right now, I think can handle it, and I’m sure J can too.

linebreaksm
We’ve talked about wanting to remain friends, but we still need to talk about our expectations for communication and for the friendship, and hopefully, figure out how best to make the transition without fucking it all up.

 


*I don’t consider what we have now a long distance relationship. I call it a ‘driving distance’ relationship — the drive from his place to mine takes a couple of hours. For that reason, we typically only spend weekends together — the distance is too much to make just one day or night worth the drive. Sometimes, we spend four or five weekends together in a row, but other times, weekend work, family, and friend commitments pop up (his or mine) and a two or three weeks pass before we can see each other again. It’s ‘driving distance’ because he’s too far away to stop over for a drink or just spend the night, but close enough that he could be here in a couple of hours if I needed him.

 

  7 Responses to “expecting unexpected, preparing for unknowns”

  1. I’ve been through more breakups than I care to think. Some I handled well, some poorly. In most cases (other than nutjob first wife), I was able to stay on good terms — sometimes for awhile, sometimes still ongoing. In some cases, still fucking. With one, I had to cut off the friendly contact because it hurt too much, but did so with an explanation that was graciously accepted. All of it had or led to some wisdom, in its way.

    All that to say that, whatever the answers turn out to be, you’re asking the right questions.

  2. I do want to be close enough that he knows I’ll be there for him no matter what, no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how many miles are between us

    Above all, I hope that you will remain friends. What you describe here is an absolutely wonderful thing and I hope that, in the least, it comes to that.

    This may sound trite, but I think that to win a permanent place in the heart and thoughts of another is a precious thing. Even if I can’t be physically with someone I love and respect, the next best thing is to know that they hold me in esteem.

    In a prevous post you stated: I hate his marks, not because they are his, but because they are not mine. You have left your own marks on him, as he has on you, and I hope that it is enough to have made a permanent bond between you.

    All the best to both of you as you as you come to terms with it

  3. Awww.. transitions are never easy! One day at a time. Try not to over think things and enjoy J while he is still in your arms. You’ll regret not taking advantage of any time you can have with him while he’s still close by.

    Hope this helps!

    Congratulations, you’ve been awarded the “Sensual Blogging Award” and the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” !

    ~ Vista

    • Awww.. transitions are never easy! One day at a time. Try not to over think things

      I’m surprised at how difficult one day at a time is when there’s a terminal point, but also, when I have no freaking idea when that end point is. I’m living in a perpetual goodbye! HALP!

      “Sensual Blogging Award” and the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.”

      Thanks, Vic! I aspire to be both sensually inspiring and inspirationally sensual. I fall short most of the time, so I’ll take what I can get. :)

  4. A break up is never easy, but at the very least you have this planned and sorted out, even if not everything can be planned. I really hope it works out in the best possible way. Lots of warm thoughts in your direction.
    /Raven

    • Thanks, Raven. I appreciate the kind words and warm thoughts. :) I’m planning now, but that comes just in advance of the crazy… stay tuned for that. :)

  5. I know you quite possibly don’t feel this, but reading the above it is really striking how clear and confident your thoughts are on this. Even if you only wrote to unclutter your mind, it has a very clear form, and I don’t think your hopes and expectations are at all unrealistic.

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