Jun 232013
 

In response to “maybe,” where I revealed that J may be leaving soon, Tinkerbell asked:

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question… If someday it happens that he leaves, do you see yourself ever going back to a vanilla relationship?

It’s not inappropriate — it’s a question I’ve asked myself.

The short answer is yes. Yes, I could see myself being in a vanilla relationship after J. I could also see myself in a vanilla relationship with kinky sex, or a full-on D/s arrangement (with kinky sex, of course! Oh… I hope there’s kinky sex…).

Maybe I’m delusional, but I honestly believe I’m attracted to the person. I’m turned on by the vibe I have with someone (and not by the vibe itself, or the idea of a vibe).

Maybe I’ll meet a vanilla person with whom there’s no D/s vibe and no kinky sex. Maybe that person and that sex will be so amazing it’s all I’ll ever want.

Maybe I’ll meet a kinky person with whom I’ll feel a D/s vibe and we’ll have tons of kinky sex. Maybe that person and that sex will be so amazing it’s all I’ll ever want.

I have no idea, but I’m open to either possibility (or something in between, or something else entirely).

I don’t endorse the idea that I’m essentially dominant (or essentially kinky, heterosexual, female… or essentially anything). I think our identities are fluid, flexible, and always changing. I’m always essentially me, but what makes up ‘me’ changes all the time.

If you’ve been a reader here for a while, you know I’ve struggled with labels — particularly with the ‘dominant’ label — since J and I got together. I still like to think about it, but it doesn’t bother me as much. I’m more comfortable with whatever-it-is that I am (regardless of how well it adheres to a label) now that I think of it as a situational thing. What I am, what I know, and what I feel is all dependent on the moment and my responses to that moment and the people in it.

When I’m with J, I’m dominant — I feel dominant, and more specifically, I feel dominant towards J. Sometimes that dominance is sweet; sometimes it’s sadistic. Sometimes it’s selfless; sometimes it’s selfish. Most of the time, what accompanies that feeling is the want for kinky sex (lots and lots of kinky sex).

But I don’t feel dominant towards everyone I meet. I don’t want kinky sex in general (with everyone or anyone). For that reason (because it’s all dependent on the situation), I have no idea if I’ll feel dominant towards someone else. I have no idea if I’ll be turned on by the thought of chaining them to my bed frame and pinking up their ass with a paddle. I have no idea, but I’m open to all possibilities.

Let me put it a different way: When we first got together, J told me he was submissive and revealed that he was into kinky sex. At that moment, if I had said “Ew, no! That’s too weird!” and stopped seeing him, I would have missed out on a really great relationship.

vanilla-extract-beanAfter J leaves, if I meet someone new and they’re only into vanilla (vanilla sex and/or a more traditional vanilla relationship), if I say “Ew, no!” I might miss out on a potentially great relationship.

So… I won’t do that.

Is it possible I’ll fall in love with a vanilla person only to find out that I’m unfulfilled by vanilla sex? Sure. (But I doubt it… sex is pretty big for me… I can’t see falling in love without being sexually compatible.) It’s a risk, but it’s one I’m willing to take.

 

  27 Responses to “would I go back to vanilla?”

  1. It’s funny, for me D/s is the largest anchor to which I can tie my sexuality. It’s more solid for me than gay or straight- so I consider abandoning it about the same as if I woke up tomorrow and discovered I was an asexual.

    And I’ve had love for people I wasn’t sexually a good match for, or even a good match for personality-wise- I just generally chose to let the love die out, as it wasn’t more than a wild longing that couldn’t be built on. sort of like discovering a stranger sweet taste on your finger and not consuming more because it’s anti-freeze.

    • It’s funny, for me D/s is the largest anchor to which I can tie my sexuality. It’s more solid for me than gay or straight- so I consider abandoning it about the same as if I woke up tomorrow and discovered I was an asexual.

      Hmmm… I don’t think I have an anchor. Do I? I guess I was always kinky and always a bit dominant in the bedroom (and in relationships), but I never knew there were names for such things until J. Perhaps because I never had a name for it before, it doesn’t seem as important to me now and/or I’m open to the possibility of something else(?).

      That whole idea — anchor of sexuality — is interesting. I’ll have to give it some thought.

      And I’ve had love for people I wasn’t sexually a good match for, or even a good match for personality-wise- I just generally chose to let the love die out, as it wasn’t more than a wild longing that couldn’t be built on.

      Sure, and of course, there are lots of different types of love. I think my general outlook — not looking for ‘forever love’ — makes it easier for me to love/fuck/leave and be okay with it. If/When I start something new, I’m not going into it looking for any sort of long term commitment… it will be whatever it is for as long as it lasts…

    • I feel the same way. I agree that our identities, sexual or not, are constantly changing and evolving, but this is something that I feel is so deeply ingrained in every aspect of my sexuality that it’s simply not possible for me to see past it.

      When I’m with J, I’m dominant — I feel dominant, and more specifically, I feel dominant towards J.

      I love how intimate this is.

      • but this is something that I feel is so deeply ingrained in every aspect of my sexuality that it’s simply not possible for me to see past it.

        I don’t think I feel that way, about anything being ‘ingrained,’ but I certainly leave open the possibility that I’ll find out that I’m wrong somewhere down the line. It wouldn’t be the first time. :)

        And fortunately, there’s no need for you to ‘see past it.’ I think it’s fantastic that you know what you want — you’re miles ahead of most people. :)

        I love how intimate this is.

        Thank you for the kind words, but more than that, thank you for the language. ‘Intimate’ is a great descriptor — it is an intimate feeling. ‘Dominance’ isn’t some aspect that I share with everyone — it is close, personal, and deeply intimate.

  2. A well thought out answer. I also don’t feel I would fall in love unless sexually compatible. Can’t really say much more besides I agreed with everything you said.

    • I also don’t feel I would fall in love unless sexually compatible

      I’m the same way. (Granted, we all have wildly different interpretations of what ‘love’ and ‘in love’ mean.) I can fall in lust, I can love, I can fall in love (and back out again), but a relationship isn’t going to last long if I get bored — sexually, intellectually, emotionally, etc.

      (And I’m very easily bored!)

  3. “I don’t endorse the idea that I’m essentially dominant (or essentially kinky, heterosexual, female… or essentially anything). I think our identities are fluid, flexible, and always changing. I’m always essentially me, but what makes up ‘me’ changes all the time.”

    This is awesome that you don’t restrict yourself. I wonder perhaps since you have in the past mentioned your other friend if you are the same with your sexuality because you say you are not labelled but you made sure to label yourself as heterosexual.

    “But I don’t feel dominant towards everyone I meet. I don’t want kinky sex in general (with everyone or anyone). ”

    Fine then be that way I didn’t want it either sheesh *chuckles*

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    • I wonder perhaps since you have in the past mentioned your other friend if you are the same with your sexuality because you say you are not labelled but you made sure to label yourself as heterosexual.

      Good point. I guess I’m heteroflexible? Maybe? I think I’m more hetero than bi (which doesn’t make much sense, I know… I guess someone is bisexual or not, right?). For whatever reason, saying I’m bisexual feels misleading… because I don’t think I am. Am I? (okay… I’ll spare you the rest of my internal dialogue… )

      Fine then be that way I didn’t want it either sheesh *chuckles*

      Like I said… it’s all situational. Last week in the grocery store, I damn near humped a cardboard cut-out of a Keebler Elf because it looked as if he were offering me a cookie. I guess it all depends on the moment… and whether or not you’re offering me a cookie… :)

  4. I was just thinking this morning about whether I could go back to vanilla. I think I could go back to mostly vanilla. I don’t strictly need kinky sex, bondage, S&M, etc. But I would have a tough time in a relationship that didn’t have a nurturing authority aspect to it.

    • I would have a tough time in a relationship that didn’t have a nurturing authority aspect to it.

      I think I know what you mean. I think my version of that is ‘wearing the pants in the relationship’ — I might be okay without kinky sex, without D/s, etc., but I would still have to be the one with the final word on things (like in a lot of traditional hetero vanilla relationships where the woman ‘wears the pants’).

  5. I’m now in my 70s. I’ve had kinky feelings for ages, but in my day it was the love that dare not speak its name, so I repressed them. I’ve been married for 34 years to a good woman who still gives me the best vanilla I’ve ever had.

    Many years ago I confided to a dominant female friend (who was just that and nothing more) that I had these odd, anarchic, Protean feelings. Her comment was, “They’ll never go away.”

    She was right. They don’t.

    • …in my day it was the love that dare not speak its name, so I repressed them. I’ve been married for 34 years to a good woman who still gives me the best vanilla I’ve ever had.

      Repressing part of yourself sucks, but for the life of me, all I can focus on is the 34 year marriage and the ‘best vanilla’ you ever had. :) That? That’s love. I don’t think any one person can be everything for any other person. In committing to a partnership, I really do believe you have to give up (repress, put aside, devalue) some parts of yourself. Those things can be little (giving up my want to have the towels folded a particular way) or they can be big (repressing part of your sexuality) — but if you’ve found the right person for you, I have to believe it’s all worth it… that you’ve come out ahead… that you’re better off with her than without her.

      Of course, my opinions on love and life are completely uninformed (or singularly informed, I guess) — you’ve been married longer than I’ve been alive. But, I guess I choose to focus on the good stuff… sounds like you’re doing the same. :)

      (besides all of that, I’ve got to think that awesome vanilla is WAY better than crappy kinky, right?)

      • “…you’re better off with her than without her”

        Absolutely. In addition to which, she gave me two bonus balls in the shape of two lovely kids that I never expected to have.

        “awesome vanilla is WAY better than crappy kinky, right?”

        Right. Plus, my definition of vanilla is probably a bit more elastic than than most ;-)

        • my definition of vanilla is probably a bit more elastic than than most ;-)

          Elastic vanilla? Sounds delicious! ;)

  6. In response to your “heteroflexible” comment, I totally believe you can be more hetero than bi. I identify as bisexual only in a physical way; I like fucking women on occasion, but know from experience that loving one doesn’t fit inside my brain. It’s whatever you wanna call it. “The spectrum” and all that.

    And to reply to your post in general, for what it’s worth, I hope you find satisfaction wherever you land.

    I often wonder about my blog title and POV being irrelevant to the way my current life is going (I’m monogamous and much less dissolute). What would happen to Dumb Domme if you found yourself back to vanilla?? xx Hy

    • In response to your “heteroflexible” comment, I totally believe you can be more hetero than bi [. . .] “The spectrum” and all that.

      Ok. Then I’m not totally out in left field. :)

      What would happen to Dumb Domme if you found yourself back to vanilla??

      Ha! Well, I’ve had a big problem with “Dumb Domme” for quite a while now. It wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made. :) Perhaps I could retitle it, but “Smart Lady Who Occasionally Does Silly Things” isn’t as memorable as I’d like.

      But in all seriousness, I don’t know how much longer I’ll continue here, whether or not J sticks around. I don’t know how much more I have left to say, and more often than not, I don’t know what I’m doing here or why I’m doing it. I’m coming up on two years and 400 posts, and that might be a good time to say goodbye. I guess I’ll see how I feel after I know whether J is leaving or not. I’m open to whatever possibilities… come what may. :)

  7. Funny you should write this…I just told Master a week ago that I don’t think I’d pursue another D/s relationship when ours ends (neither of us are spring chickens–and at this point its a “til death do us part” situation, despite not being 24/7!)…in part because he and I mesh so well, in part because of my age, and in part because I’m inherently lazy and finding a new “the one” feels like way too much work when I can sate myself sexually with a vibe. I’d miss the control, but my vanilla life is busy and full and complicated, and trying to intertwine a new D/s dynamic feels fairly impossible.

    nilla

    • I don’t think I’d pursue another D/s relationship when ours ends [. . .] my vanilla life is busy and full and complicated, and trying to intertwine a new D/s dynamic feels fairly impossible.

      Agreed. I’m busy, and I’m generally satisfied with my professional life, creative projects, and friends. D/s is a lot of work — it’s not work I’m sure I’d actively seek out. Of course, if something happened to come along, I don’t think I’d ignore it, but I’ve never been one to ‘get out there’ and date… even in more vanilla times. If something happens, great. If it doesn’t, that’s great too.

      in part because he and I mesh so well

      I think that’s part of it too. J and I work well together. Actively seeking out another D/s arrangement would feel too much like trying to replace something that I don’t think is replicable. Pardon the terrible comparison, but it might feel like trying to get a new pet after a beloved pet has passed on. (Hmmm… I have thought of J as a pet, so perhaps the metaphor isn’t so far off! :) Thankfully, he won’t pass on so much as he will run away… bad J, bad, BAD J! Sit. Stay. Staaaay. [please?])

  8. Maybe I’ll meet a vanilla person with whom there’s no D/s vibe and no kinky sex. Maybe that person and that sex will be so amazing it’s all I’ll ever want.

    I’ve seen this happen, and it can work (though I doubt it would for me, but you’re not me, probably to the benefit of both of us!). The person I’m most thinking of does still want and miss kinky sex, but she finds the rest of her relationship — including the amazingness of her partner — worth the trade.

    Power to you, whichever way things go!

    • The person I’m most thinking of does still want and miss kinky sex, but she finds the rest of her relationship — including the amazingness of her partner — worth the trade.

      Exactly. :) I’m sure more than a few people will disagree with me on this, but I don’t think there’s any relationship where one or both parties doesn’t have to compromise a little of themselves (be it something ‘little’ or ‘big’). If the partner is amazing enough, then the trade will be worth it.

      Power to you, whichever way things go!

      Thank you. :) I’m still holding out hope that I won’t have to do much more than think about it though… there’s still a chance J may stick around a while longer. :) (Of course, I feel guilty hoping for that, because I know that ultimately, leaving will make him happier in the long run…. internal conflict is nothing new to me!)

  9. This is a great post and really thought-provoking. I’ve thought it as well, and I agree that I am attracted to the person as well. However, I do need the kink. But… I can imagine being in a vanilla relationship if I had the chance of kink with others.

    • However, I do need the kink. But… I can imagine being in a vanilla relationship if I had the chance of kink with others.

      I wonder about this — if I need the kink. Will I even want it without having a potential partner in my sights? I guess I may find out!

      Also, what you suggest is possible, too — a vanilla arrangement with kink on the side with others. Maybe? It’s certainly interesting to think about… just hard to do when I’m both the subject and the object (philosophically speaking). :)

  10. “I think our identities are fluid, flexible, and always changing. I’m always essentially me, but what makes up ‘me’ changes all the time.”
    Elegantly and beautifully said.

    “But I don’t feel dominant towards everyone I meet. I don’t want kinky sex in general (with everyone or anyone).”
    This seems to be one confusion for people dealing with D/s. Being someone’s Dom(me) doesn’t translate into being dominant to everyone, and being someone’s sub doesn’t translate into being submissive to just anyone. Huzzah to you that you connected with someone who is your sub, and for whom you are Domme. (-: <3

    “I’m coming up on two years and 400 posts, and that might be a good time to say goodbye. I guess I’ll see how I feel after I know whether J is leaving or not. I’m open to whatever possibilities… come what may.”
    Those possibilities include keeping your fabulous lexicon up and available, yes?

    • This seems to be one confusion for people dealing with D/s. Being someone’s Dom(me) doesn’t translate into being dominant to everyone, and being someone’s sub doesn’t translate into being submissive to just anyone.

      Exactly! Yes! (and) Absolutely! Yes to this. ^

      Those possibilities include keeping your fabulous lexicon up and available, yes?

      Ha! I used to dream of how I’d kill the blog (in times when I really hated it). I’m much more at peace with what’s here now, so I have no intentions of dramatically flouncing and removing everything/anything. Of course, eventually, I won’t want to pay for the domain and server space anymore…

      I’ve considered giving the domain to someone else who might want to pick up the “dumb domme” mantle (if such a person exists). I’ve also considered the possibility of asking someone else to host the lexicon and/or pick up where I leave off. Then again, I might just continue with the lexicon entries (and perhaps humor posts) and cut out the personal/sex/relationship posts… I guess I’ll figure all of that out when the time comes.

      I guess the short response is that I won’t be pulling everything in dramatic fashion. I shall not flounce!

  11. I would like to think I’m fluid and flexible enough to thrive in a vanilla relationship, but I know for a fact I’m not. I know because I tried it! After discovering kink, I couldn’t un-ring that bell. But I often wish I could go either way. I do have friends that work that way. They just have way more options for romantic relationships than I do. Color me envious!

    Also, I certainly relate to the idea of not being dominant towards everyone. I’m DEFINITELY dominant. But I’m just as definitely NOT interested in dominating everyone everywhere all the time. First, I’m pretty sure that would not go over well with other dominants or people not offering me their submission. I’m not even interested in dominating all the submissives that approach me for it. I’m really only interested in dominating a very very few people. But I learned through trial and error that my romantic partners absolutely must be submissive masochists. Otherwise it just doesn’t work for me. Darn it!

    • would like to think I’m fluid and flexible enough to thrive in a vanilla relationship, but I know for a fact I’m not.

      I have yet to test the theory that I can go back to vanilla — this is my first D/s relationship. I guess I’ll find out, right? :)

      But I’m just as definitely NOT interested in dominating everyone everywhere all the time. First, I’m pretty sure that would not go over well with other dominants or people not offering me their submission.

      Ha! Yes, I can see how well it would go over trying to domme random people… the grocery store clerk, the mailman, a bank teller… heh. :)

      I learned through trial and error that my romantic partners absolutely must be submissive masochists. Otherwise it just doesn’t work for me.

      I guess that does narrow your dating pool quite a bit, but at least you know what you want! That’s more than most of us. :)

  12. Very thought provoking post and there where way too many comments I wanted to copy and paste and comment on… to actually do that.

    But I do agree with you on your thoughts of relationships and staying more open to what may come. I know there are things I need from a realtionship… but for me, those requirements are not anchored in D/s, BDSM or even kinky for that matter. I actually find using those terms as relationship descriptors far too limiting in my view. I find I’m more wired in a way that makes D/s and kinky possible, but not necessarily required.

    I know I AM dominant. It’s wired to my core. But it’s not about being dominant over someone in particular or needing to be in a position of power, it’s more about being dominant over my environment. It’s something I’ve always naturally just been… without much effort or thought going into it. D/s allowed it to be a more conscious and structured state of mind… but there are times, I too find it to be a LOT of work. There’s even moments where I feel it may just be more than I bargained for (yet with my boy… I just can’t give it up) Yet in all my other relationships (non-D/s), I never felt something was missing on that front.

    And the kink? Ehhh..I’ve always felt what I define as kinky is far more expansive then what those in the BDSM realm define it. I’ve always wondered where the line is between “vanilla” and “kinky”. Where does one cross the threshold? Is it kinky to pull out the Kama Sutra handbook and go nuts experimenting with 100 different positions? Is it kinky to have a triad relationship? Are swingers considered kinky… even if the actual sex turns out to be pretty boring and “vanilla” feeling? Seriously… where’s the line?

    So no, I don’t define kinky as my need. I view my sexuality as more of an open minded and adventurous style. I DO require my partners be of the same mind, but how that plays out in the bedroom is less about what we do and more about having the imagination and willingness to keep the bedroom interesting and invigorating.

    But it’s an interesting thought process… And goodluck going forward if you need it! ;)

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