May 232013
 

For your amusement (and for your information), I present the twenty-fourth installment in Dumb Domme’s BDSM Lexicon, “aftercare.”

View all past entries here.


aftercare, n., [af-ter-kair] (spelled) /ˈæftərˌkɛ(ə)r/ (IPA)


Definition:

aftercare, n.: support, attention, or care administered at the conclusion of BDSM activities.


Usage:

caning-aftercare-6“After seeing my submissive’s ass after the caning scene, I realized the box of SpongeBob band-aids I brought for aftercare wasn’t going to be enough.”

“When boy started screaming his safeword, I realized my attempt at aftercare was a miserable failure. Who knew rubbing alcohol could sting so much?”

“I don’t know whether to be flattered or offended when my blog readers ask for aftercare.”


feelingsExplanation:

During BDSM play, both dominants and submissives may experience a range of physical, chemical, and emotional responses caused by endorphins, injury, exertion, and psychological intensity. Submissives (or bottoms) may experience subspace, and dominants (or tops) may experience topspace — both of which may induce feelings of euphoria.

After play is over, the drop in endorphins coupled with the aftereffects of power exchange, physicality, and emotional release may leave one or both partners feeling lost, sad, anxious, or guilty. To help both partners “come down” and to mediate potential negative feelings (sub drop or top drop), one or both partners may need aftercare that includes attention to physical needs (wound care, nourishment, re-hydration, and rest) and emotional needs (support, reassurance, and affection).


Approaches to Aftercare:

Dominants should provide aftercare to submissives using one of two True Dominant™ approved methods described below.

Method #1: Kindergarten Aftercare (or, Daycare)

Goal: Create a space where the submissive feels safe, secure, loved, and free to express her or his emotions.

Description: At the close of a scene, a dominant should first provide an assortment of snacks including chocolate, fruit, and protein bars, and a selection of liquid refreshments such as bottled water, juice, chocolate milk, and sports drink. During this time, the dominant should offer the submissive words aftercare-suppliesof support, affection, and gratitude, along with lots of hugs. Immediately following snack time and positive affirmations, the submissive should then be offered her or his favorite comfort object and a warm fuzzy blanket for nap time. After naptime, the submissive should be allowed time on the playground to get fresh air and sunshine (dungeons can be dark and stifling). After outdoor exercise, the submissive should be encouraged to articulate her or his thoughts and feelings through art, music, or poetry.

Supplies: fruit snacks, juice boxes, blankie, teddy bear, xylophone, crayons, fingerpaints


Method #2: High-Maintenance Aftercare (or, Spoiling the Sub)

boo-boo-bling2Goal: Pamper the submissive.

Description: After tending to the submissive’s wounds, the dominant should create an environment conducive to relaxation, perhaps by first lighting candles and incense. The dominant should then draw a warm bubble bath and offer to bathe the submissive. After bathing, the dominant should give the submissive a full body massage with organic, fair-trade essential oils. Later on, the dominant should treat the submissive to dinner at her or his favorite expensive restaurant. In the days following play, the dominant should send the submissive a thoughtful, personal gift as a token of gratitude along with a heartfelt, handwritten note expressing appreciation and affection.

Supplies: rhinestone-studded designer bandages, bubble bath, massage oil, candles, incense, Groupon, gifts, stationary set.

designer-bandaids

Do Dominants Need Aftercare?:

Of course not! True Dominants™ don’t need love, affection, attentionreassurance, or physical intimacy. We don’t drop, and we don’t need to hear we are loved or appreciated. We never feel sad or lost, we never miss you, and we never break.


Does Dumb Domme Provide Aftercare?:

I threw a vibrator once. (Worst. Aftercare. Ever.) Now, I just shove an adderall down his throat, give him something to drink, and we call it a night.


Does Dumb Domme Need Aftercare?:
fingerpaints

Pass the fingerpaints, please.

 

  12 Responses to “BDSM Lexicon Entry #24: Aftercare”

  1. *giggling madly*

    oh fuck…you’re hysterical. I can only IMAGINE the look on my Master’s face should I show Him the Kindergarden aftercare bit…*laughing hysterically*

    Usually i get a few sips of sports drink (still blindfolded, find the cup, slut…come on you can do it…) and a forehead push back onto the bed.

    :)

    I do like those glittery bandaides, tho….. :)

    nilla

  2. OMG, I’m seriously in a fit! hahahahaha

    There should be some sort of addendum that if your sub is male and he happens to be cut off emotionally and nothing EVER gets to him because he refuses to care (that should be one giant hyphenated word, btw) he’ll refuse any kind of aftercare. However, being a good dominant, you make him take the loving ministrations. Then, because he doesn’t need you really, you can point out that his dominant needs some care making the top drop a little less hellacious.

    • because he doesn’t need you really, you can point out that his dominant needs some care making the top drop a little less hellacious.

      Amen sister. Amen.

  3. Hi.

    I thought I should de-lurk (is that the right expression?) and say hello. =) I found your blog some weeks ago and have been reading through it ever since, not that I have been able to get through it all, but I have tried. The best reading so far, in my opinion, is the BDSM Lexicon. I have been laughing all the way through it =D This last post brought tears to my eyes, I laughed so hard. I’m still grinning. =D

    Raven

    • Hi, Raven. :) So glad you’ve decided to de-lurk! (And BTW, I think that is the proper term… if it isn’t, it should be.)

      The best reading so far, in my opinion, is the BDSM Lexicon. I have been laughing all the way through it =D

      Thank you so much! I’ve been remiss in not updating it as much as I should. I have a bunch of ideas and entries in various stages of draft now… actually, they’ve been there for a long while. I really should get back to them… I enjoy writing them!

      Thanks again for the sweet comment and for delurking!

  4. You are so funny! Love it thank you.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

  5. This seems like as good a place as any to discuss what kinds of aftercare work for different people. For me, it is time spent cuddling and being sweet to each other. Skin-to-skin contact, kissing, maybe even gentle biting (both ways), whispered thanks and compliments. The keys are time and intimacy.

    I do get very thirsty during heavy play, but I take the initiative to bring what I need for that.

    • I would like to add, I am not in the camp that aftercare is only for bottoms/subs. During aftercare I try to tell my partner how much I liked what we did. And of course, cuddling and kissing are both two-way streets.

      • I would like to add, I am not in the camp that aftercare is only for bottoms/subs. During aftercare I try to tell my partner how much I liked what we did. And of course, cuddling and kissing are both two-way streets.

        ^Yes to this! See my previous response to you… I need aftercare, oh yes. I do.

    • For me, it is time spent cuddling and being sweet to each other. Skin-to-skin contact, kissing, maybe even gentle biting (both ways), whispered thanks and compliments.

      I’m like that, a little. I often end up being very chatty, too (I feel inspired? energetic? intellectually stimulated? I dunno what to call it), and I want to talk. J isn’t quite the same. He needs specific whispers and words and actions, and I’ve been much better about giving him what he needs.

      As for extended, follow-up aftercare, J was fantastic for figuring out that sending me a follow up note the day after does wonders for mediating my drop. I need him to tell me he’s okay (physically and emotionally), that he enjoyed whatever-it-was, and that he loves me. I really do need that. I know it gets repetitive for him, but I am so freaking grateful that he does.

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