May 082013
 

If my asshole could talk, it would thank you for the kind attention it’s received over the past few weeks. After recounting my depilation tribulation, I received a lot of advice… and some of it was actually good.

Some of it was not. In particular, the suggestion that I should take an epilator to my asshole was misguided (at best). My hunch is readers who made the suggestion either actively hate me, or they haven’t actually attempted the method of follicular obliteration they endorsed. I used an epilator on my pussy once and almost lost my labia. I do not recommend it.

epilator = ouch

 

A few attentive readers noted some confusion over what, exactly, I was shaving. Yes, “Asshole” is my cat’s name. While I have a pussy named Asshole, that was not the pussy or the asshole I intended to reference. For the record, I have not shaved the cat, but I suspect shaving the cat might be easier than shaving my asshole… I imagine the risk of blood loss is roughly the same. pussy-and-asshole

 

A few readers informed me that because of my post, when they shaved their own assholes, they found themselves thinking of me. One reader thought of me in the midst of suffering shaving-related-asshole-itch.

I would say that I’m flattered, but I’m not sure that’s true.

think-of-me

 

If anyone is interested, my asshole is currently smooth, hairless, and as sexy as an asshole can be (which isn’t very sexy at all, really).

I’m also pleased to report I’m working on a new project. Currently, I’m in the process of writing and illustrating first aid instructions for the proper administration of an emergency asshole tourniquet. It’s my sincere hope the instructions are never needed, but if you find yourself in a situation saying “Ouch! My asshole!” rest assured, there’s help for you.

Dumb Domme… the first name in asshole emergencies.

 

  26 Responses to “up(date) my ass”

  1. It would be interesting to figure out how to apply a tourniquet to such a thing as an asshole. Truly, where do you apply the wrapped pressure?
    Twitter was all abuzz about your asshole, and as always, I appreciate your play on words and your usage of punctuation to differentiate.

    • It would be interesting to figure out how to apply a tourniquet to such a thing as an asshole. Truly, where do you apply the wrapped pressure?

      You’ll just have to wait for the release of Dumb First Aid: What Would Dumb Domme Do? (coming soon to a bookstore near you!)

      Twitter was all abuzz about your asshole

      Twitter was all up in my asshole! I can’t remember the time one of my posts got so much attention. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about that? :)

  2. “If anyone is interested, my asshole is currently smooth, hairless, and as sexy as an asshole can be (which isn’t very sexy at all, really).”

    OMG thank you for finally putting me at ease D I was so worried I haven’t slept a wink since the asshole incident. I can finally rest now knowing that D’s asshole is not only sexy as an asshole can be but is healed.

    As always your humor cracks me up and I super love it! lol

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    • Thanks, Mystic. I’d say my asshole felt all warm and fuzzy reading your comment, but that would be a lie. It only feels warm. It is not fuzzy.

      All the same, my asshole returns your love and affection. :)

  3. You named your cat “Asshole?” I have never loved you more than I do right now.

    I HIGHLY recommend laser hair removal. There’s nothing like hearing a woman who is holding an instrument that looks like an air gun gleefully exclaim “Your ass is completely hairless!” I celebrated the milestone with vodka because it seemed appropriate. And also, vodka.

    • You named your cat “Asshole?”

      Yep. :) I didn’t do it on purpose though. While I was petsitting for a friend, I discovered the cat is, in fact, an asshole. My guess is that his previous owner already knew that, which explains why she never came back for it. I just called him “Asshole” (because he is an asshole), and by the time I realized I had been tricked into keeping it, the name just sorta stuck.

      I HIGHLY recommend laser hair removal. There’s nothing like hearing a woman who is holding an instrument that looks like an air gun gleefully exclaim “Your ass is completely hairless!” I celebrated the milestone with vodka because it seemed appropriate.

      Vodka is always appropriate, but there’s no way I’m letting anyone get near my asshole with a laser or an air gun.

  4. It’s true, I really do think about you for all things asshole related :) xx Hy

  5. I giggled when I read your cat’s name is Asshole. Brilliant.

    And… er…. I would love to know which method of shaving your asshole (not the cat of course) has worked for you :)

    Rebel xox

  6. Congratulations on leaving me completely at a loss for what to say.

  7. “…the suggestion that I should take an epilator to my asshole was misguided…”
    Gah?

    Agh!

    Seriously, someone suggested using one? An epilator is a torture device. I tried one on my leg or arm (I forgot where) and could not believe how much came could come with so little effectiveness.

    • An epilator is a torture device. I tried one on my leg or arm (I forgot where) and could not believe how much came could come with so little effectiveness.

      I LOVE my epilator! I use it on my legs and underarms and I couldn’t be happier. It’s slow torture, but it beats messy waxing and constantly having to buy strips. I’ve used it on my bikini line a few times, but not often. But, I’ll NEVER use it near my labia or on my asshole. Seriously, I did get one of my labia lips stuck in those little teeth and that’s not a mistake I’ll make twice.

  8. Somehow, when I see the words asshole tourniquet together in a sentence like that, I’m reminded of my ex brother in law… Go figure.

    • I’m reminded of my ex brother in law… Go figure

      That made me laugh! I have no idea what it means… but it’s funny. :)

  9. I’m dying of laughter.

    I’ve always enjoyed yours and Fern’s blogs- the humor, humanity , and the fixes you get your ostensibly-superior (gentle poke at a dominants persona) selves in are a balm to the heart of my bratty self.

    Glad you didn’t really hurt yourself and you shared.

    Oh well, you live and you learn.
    Clarence

    • Thanks, Clarence. :)

      I’ve learned to regret nothing as long as I can find a way to laugh about it later. While I wish there wasn’t so much to laugh about, I still recommend the approach. :)

  10. Am I missing it, or did you neglect to tell us HOW you got it so smooth?
    My assumption has always been that waxing is the only way to go. Perhaps an electric razor on a very-powdered asshole. But shaving would just…yeah. Leave one with a perpetually itchy asshole. And I don’t need that.

  11. Mechanical epilators are a thing of the past. They now belong in the Domme’s case of torture toys for naughty sissys.

    You may now spare any torture to your skin around the softer tissue using light epilation instead of barbaric mechanical epilation. (Really – mechanical epilation is something that should be left to German Pro-Dommes – because their clients pay for maximum pain.)

    The light epilator will provide the same results, without any hair pulling and leave you hairless for about 3 months at a time.

    http://www.amazon.com/Remington-IPL6000USA-I-Light-Professional-Removal/dp/B005CHHO46/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379517892&sr=8-1&keywords=light+epilator

  12. I use a epilator on my pussy and ass very regularly without any issue at all, and I’m NOT a masochist.

  13. I have the most delightful play partner who likes to shave all of me with a straight razor. I highly recommend it!

  14. You are not alone, although I like to shave my partner’s asshole and have him lick mine! We sometimes get together with this dear girlfriend of mine and have him on his hands and knees, his legs spread, butt up and head down to the bed. Jill then takes once cheek and I take the other. We once shaved him like that in front of her two non-scene girlfriends. I guess that was highly humiliating for john but he was one smooth bottomed boy when we were done, including those little hairs that otherwise gather around her puckered hole. I love reading your stories! If you live around Ohio, I would volunteer to get you extra smooth.

    Rachel

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