Two years ago, I told J I wasn’t interested in a weak man. This was his response:
You said neither confession nor obsession turned you off. I’ll take you at your word.
When we talked the other night, you mentioned part of what turned you on was being hunted. You also made it clear that you are not interested in weak men. While I understand and respect that, I am not sure you understand me.
I do not know what you read or heard, but my being submissive does not make me weak and I resent the implication. Instead of being angry, I thought it would be more constructive if I told you how I felt about this… how I feel about you.
What I feel for you is a deep gnawing hunger that has nothing to do with weakness. It has everything to do with wanting you close to me and wanting your body on top of mine. What I feel has nothing to do with being submissive. It has everything to do with you.
I want you to feel just how raw and hungry I am. I want you to feel the strength in my arms when I push my mouth against your flesh and run my tongue along the inside of your most tender places. I want you to feel the power I am holding in check, just at the edge of your control until you finally snap and release all the pent up energy that is coursing through you, waiting to be unleashed.
It is not about commanding someone fawning or weak. It is not about having a weak and spineless sycophant that needs your approval. Nor is it about your being a cold bitch or emotionally manipulative. It is about wrapping yourself around someone who is strong enough to be worthy and enjoying the tension that gets suspended in place.
It’s about you.
It is about wanting to find out if what I think I see behind your smile is really there.
The reason dominance and submission is yin and yang and often a binary dynamic is that it thrives on the balance of power that people deal with every day but pay little attention to. It makes no difference if you end up feasting on pleasure, pain, control, obedience, or any of the points in between. It is recognition of boundaries and barriers even as they dissolve before your senses. It is a sensual mandala to explore in the short time we have here.
It is neither safe nor precisely sane to me. It is however a part of life that I savor. And when I can be honest about exactly what is on my mind and smashing through my chest, it makes all the “chopping of wood and carrying of water” worth it.
Of course, we are all very busy with work and with life. The stuff of life is difficult and relentless. We get tired and fed up and we need down-time to indulge our creativity and our interests. We need time to quiet our minds and time to sleep.
But the hunger always ends up returning. Sometimes it returns after days or months, but it always comes back and it usually leads to frustration. It is frustrating because I will not share this with just anyone. I can’t and I won’t. I’d rather punch walls or pound a keyboard than to waste my energy on someone unworthy.
You are worthy.
I am hungry.