May 222013
 

He’s leaving soon.

Maybe?

Maybe within the next few months. Maybe sooner. Maybe not.

He’s come close to leaving before, but this time feels different.

As far as I know, I’ve always been privy to his plans to go — I’ve always been aware — but this time, it took me by surprise.

Surprise…? Maybe. J has always been leaving, so I can’t say it’s a surprise. It isn’t. But it is.

I nearly broke down a few nights ago, right after he told me… right after he left.

I sent two emails.

email #1: Fuck you. Please stop it.

email #2: Ignore my last message. I’m fine. I promise. This just took me a little off-guard. I love you. :)

Both sentiments are true. Fuck him. But also… I’m fine (or at least, I will be). Both.

I love him either way.

 

  23 Responses to “maybe”

  1. Oh. That shit is going to hurt like a motherfucking bastard. I’m cringing at the thought. Sometimes I think I can’t go through it again, given how truly painful it was with my last and how long it took me to get over it.

    But I will. And it will be worth it. And I will be okay.

    You too.

    *hugs*

    Ferns

    • That shit is going to hurt like a motherfucking bastard.

      I realize I’m splitting hairs, but I’m not sure it’s going to hurt so much as it’s going to be sad. ‘Hurt’ feels wronged, slighted, misled, misinformed. I am none of those things. ‘Hurt’ feels angry, wounded, and (if you’re me) amped to fight back. I am none of those things.

      It’s just so fucking sad

      • Interesting (and off topic, but still interesting). I do get what you mean by ‘not hurt’ because you look at it as something that ‘someone’ caused, but I don’t see hurt that way. No-one has to do anything *to me* for me to feel the hurt/pain of something.

        When I fall over and break my wrist, it hurts. I don’t feel wronged by it, there is no blame, nobody caused it. It just fucking hurts because something is broken.

        I think of my feelings like that. A part of me that can feel hurt.

        I actually sometimes say that ‘X hurts my feelings’ and it’s an abstract concept. Like “It hurts my feelings that something terrible is happening in the world’ in the same way that sitting on a hard bench hurts my butt. This is not at all common usage, I know. But it *feels* like that to me.

        Still, if we can discuss how we see the different uses of a word, then you will have a nice distraction! I mean, THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS!!

        Ferns

        • I’m with Ferns on this. Maybe you don’t feel “hurt” without feeling somehow wronged, but I sure can feel hurt with nobody being at fault. I recently went through a breakup. She was as kind as she could be while still breaking up with me, and it hurt awfully. Sadness has mostly replaced the hurt by now.

          And now I’m feeling more sadness. I want all the cool, smart, creative people I know to have the happy-making relationships they want. I was rooting for Ferns and bambi. I cheer a little bit inside every time Peroxide has good news. And I really want you to have a happy relationship.

          • Maybe you don’t feel “hurt” without feeling somehow wronged, but I sure can feel hurt with nobody being at fault.

            I do get where you and Ferns are coming from, and I also know distinguishing ‘hurt’ and ‘sadness’ is silly semantics to most people. (I’ll go one better and say it’s probably silly semantics in general). However, I’ve found it’s really important to me to separate ‘hurt’ (wronged by someone or some thing) from ‘sad’ (no one at fault; just generally sucky). If I’m hurt, anger follows, and a lot of time, that anger is justified and (somewhat) productive. If I’m just sad, then anger isn’t warranted and doesn’t do any good. I’ve found that if I don’t separate the two — hurt from sad — in my head, I end up angry at situations or people that don’t deserve it, and that’s unproductive (or worse, destructive) for me and those around me.

            Again, it’s probably silly, but with my overthinking brain, it helps me deal with situations more appropriately. :)

            As for cheering relationships on, I’m with you. I cheer for happiness, love, and all that fun stuff. :) It’s out there… we just have to find it (or trip over it, or let it find us… or hunt it down and tie it up and stash it away in our basement…)

  2. I’m so sorry to see this happening, and I wish there was something I could do, or say, that could make it better.

    Ferns is right. You will be OK, and even if it’s small consolation, your friends, and readers here are with you to listen, talk, and do whatever else we can do to help you along.

    All my best thoughts and wishes are with you, *BIG SQUEEZY HUG*

    • I wish there was something I could do, or say, that could make it better.

      You’re sweet ‘hello’ and occasional (too infrequent!) Gigabyte pics brighten my day. You do more to make me smile than lots of people I see all the time. Thank you for that. :)

      I’ll take your *squeezy hug* and raise you one *sloppy, wet, kiss on the cheek*. :D

  3. Bummer. What else can I say?

    Nothing, except that if I had a tenner for every time I’ve cried when this happens, I’d have a nice top-up for my pension.

    • if I had a tenner for every time I’ve cried when this happens, I’d have a nice top-up for my pension.

      Sorry to hear it, G.O.S. I kinda thought J and I were a special case, but apparently not. I wish we were a special case… this fucking sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  4. I hate the waiting until seperation. While not a permanent break, when my husband is deployed the countdown anxiety kills me.
    I’m so sorry, and I understand perfectly both reactions.

    • Unfortunately, our break will be permanent. C’est la vie.

      Thank you for the kind words. :)

      And I still have some hope… just a little… (kinda)

  5. Ugh, No.

    Can’t you just tie him up and lock him in your closet?

    • I did that last weekend. My only mistake was in letting him out… I’ll know better for next time. :)

  6. D – I’m available for tantrums (this is one of my super powers), drunken exploits (I believe in the power of cocktails) and all-around commiserating/listening/sending care packages of cheap wine and Cheetos. Strike that last thing. The Cheetos are mine. But I’m sending you hugs and more hugs, and I’ll stroke your hair. If you’re into that.

    I agree with Ferns, I feel the *pain* of loss. Even when I see it coming. There is something about the end of a D/s relationship that makes that pain sharper in my experience. I’ve been telling myself that you and J wouldn’t end. That you were exaggerating or being extra cynical. (denial is my friend) You’re both amazing, and I have loved reading about your journey. No, I don’t want it to end. Not at all.

    <3

  7. Oh, girl… My single best piece if advice for when we feel like shit is to remember it won’t last forever. Eventually, it won’t feel so bad. It’s the only thing I can really point to and promise.

    Hang in there and discuss words with Ferns and get drunk with Heather in the meantime. Big, big hugs to you. I panic at the thought of losing TN; I have so much empathy for you right now. xx Hy

  8. I’m in the ‘sad’ stage right now. I try to remember something I read about sadness, how it helps give us the context to feel joy. There was SO MUCH joy. I wouldn’t have given up a moment of that to avoid sadness, even if it meant being sad for the rest of my life.

    • I try to remember something I read about sadness, how it helps give us the context to feel joy. There was SO MUCH joy.

      That’s beautiful, night owl. Thanks for the reminder. :) There is a fuck-ton of joy. (ok, I meant that WAY more poetically…)

  9. Sorry if this is an inappropriate question… If someday it happens that he leaves, do you see yourself ever going back to a vanilla relationship ?

    • Not inappropriate at all, Tinkerbell. :) It’s a really great question, actually. I have a bit to say on it, so I’ll probably give an extended response as a blog post in the next couple of days.

      As for the short answer, yes, I could see myself going back to a vanilla relationship.

  10. I have no words. *hugs*

 Leave a Reply