The title is misleading. I have no fucking idea how you’re supposed to shave your own asshole… but I tried.
Spoiler Alert: I failed.
Wait, what? What’s that you say?
Ummm… why do you want to shave your asshole, D? Are you conforming to the unrealistic beauty standards propagated by popular media and pornography? Are you buying into aesthetic standards that make women subject to the unattainable ideals of the misogynistic patriarchy?
Are you seriously attempting to conform beauty standards…. for your ASSHOLE?
Yes. I am. Also, fuck you.
I wanted to shave my asshole. Deal with it.
Asshole Shaving Attempt #1
I didn’t give it much thought. I figured I’d shave my asshole in the bathtub after I shaved my pussy. Since my asshole and my pussy are neighbors, I assumed I could take care of both at the same time.
But as I was shaving my pussy, I realized it would be impossible to shave my asshole in the bathtub. I can’t shave my asshole while I’m sitting on it.
Asshole Shaving Attempt #1: FAIL.
Asshole Shaving Attempt #2
I drained the water in the tub, turned on the shower, and got in.
Standing under the falling water with razor in hand, I realized the shower wasn’t going to work either. I can’t see my asshole because it’s behind me, and I can’t shave my asshole if I can’t see it.
But I did not lose hope! I stepped out of the shower, grabbed my makeup mirror from the vanity, and set it on the teak shower bench.
Almost immediately, the glass steamed up and I couldn’t see a damn thing. I lowered the water temperature until the steam disappeared — the water was fucking freezing, but at least I’d be able to get a clear view of my asshole.
I picked up the razor, looked over my shoulder, and HOLY SHIT. Biggest. Asshole. Ever.
My makeup mirror is 10x magnification, so my asshole was about the size of a baseball.
Thankfully, I was spared from seeing the finer details of my magnified asshole because the image was blurry. That’s the nature of magnification mirrors — they’re meant to be used up close. If you’re too far away, everything is fuzzy. I mean… the image was fuzzy. Unfortunately, that meant my asshole was still fuzzy too.
I backed up a little, and a little more, and then a little more. By the time I was close enough to get a clear view of my ginormous magnified asshole, I was too close to the glass. I couldn’t get my hand between my ass and the mirror in such a way that would allow me to shave my asshole… the asshole I could see in stunning, magnified detail.
Asshole Shaving Attempt #2: FAIL
Asshole Shaving Attempt #3
I went to the store the next day and bought a non-magnification shower mirror — one guaranteed not to steam up and one that wouldn’t make my asshole look like a pothole.
When I got home, I mounted the mirror in the shower, stripped, and got down to business.
Thank goodness, I could see my normal-sized asshole from a comfortable distance without worrying about the hot water steaming up my view.
But holding the razor behind me with my wrist bent felt really awkward. Imagine holding a tennis racquet in your non-dominant hand, by the racquet head instead of the handle… while you’re trying to play golf.
In the interest of safety, I put the razor cap back on and decided to try a “dry run.”
I craned my neck over my shoulder, reached both hands behind me, and went through the motions of shaving my asshole with the capped razor. As some point, one of the edges on the cap scratched the skin near my asshole. I jumped. I really jumped. Let’s just say that if the cap hadn’t been on the razor, a fuzzy asshole would have been the least of my problems. (note to self: search Google for “asshole tourniquet” instructions)
New strategy. Since my asshole is pretty close to my pussy, I’d use the same position and approach.
Putting one leg up on the shower bench and reaching between my legs felt comfortable (as comfortable as it gets when you’re holding a razor to your pink parts). Shaving around my vaginal opening works fairly well in that position, but my asshole was a bit farther away. I’d have to reach further between my legs and up to reach my asshole. To do that, I put both feet on the tile and bent my knees until I was in a sort of modified sumo squat.
I folded at the waist, looked between my legs, and with my head nearly on the tile, I looked up and got a visual on the target. In that position, I could kinda see my own asshole.
In order to understand what follows, you’re going to have to try this at home. (You can leave your clothes on. Honestly, you probably should.)
Get up off your chair, grab a pen or something and pretend it’s a razor. Put your feet double shoulder width apart, bend your knees, and lean down as far as you think it would take you to actually see your own asshole. (don’t fall on your head.) Now, reach between your legs and get the pretend razor-pen up near your asshole (don’t stick the pen in your ass).
When you’ve cranked your arm enough to get your hand into position, notice what happens to your torso.
Ok, get out of that ridiculous position… you’ll feel like an idiot if someone walks in on you. What are you going to say… “I was pretending to shave my asshole because someone on the internet told me to?”
To position yourself in such a way that facilitates asshole shaving, you have to drop your shoulder and rotate your torso.
Men, I’ve probably lost you here because you have balls. If you were naked, your balls would be in the way and you probably couldn’t see your asshole anyway.
Ladies, you have no balls, so you should be free and clear. You should be able to position the hand with the razor in a way that allows you to reach your asshole, and bend in a way that allows you to see it. Right?
WRONG. You have tits!
Depending on their size, your tits may be an unexpected impediment to achieving your depilatory hopes and dreams. I have rather large tits for my frame, and for the most part, I’m happy with them. I had no idea my tits would be the only thing standing between me and a silky smooth asshole.
In my final asshole-shaving attempt, I sumo-squatted in the shower, took the razor in hand, and prepared to approach my target. In order to reach my asshole with my right hand, I dropped my right shoulder and rotated my torso slightly left.
And what do you think I saw in that position? No… not my asshole! I saw my tit. That’s right… I saw nothing but tit. Folded over and twisted slightly left, my right tit hangs down smack in the middle of my field of vision. I can reach my asshole, but I can’t see it because my fucking tit is in the way.
Abandoning all logic, I tried to reach my asshole with my other hand to see if I might have more luck.
Negatory. My left tit was in the way.
I couldn’t twist or contort in a way that allowed me to see past my tits. Since they’re attached, when I move my torso, my tits follow. Despite numerous futile efforts, I came to realize I couldn’t move fast enough to outrun my own tits.
Asshole Shaving Attempt #3: FAIL
So, tell me, how the fuck are you supposed to shave your own asshole?
Note: Do not use Nair on your asshole. It is not an option. Don’t ask me how I know. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ice my hairless asshole…
UPDATE: I didn’t realize my ass could bring so much joy to so many people. Apparently, a lot of you are really interested in my asshole, so I posted an update to let you know how my ass is doing: asshole status update, or “up(date) my ass.”