Apr 182013
 

The title is misleading. I have no fucking idea how you’re supposed to shave your own asshole… but I tried.

Spoiler Alert: I failed.

Wait, what? What’s that you say?

Ummm… why do you want to shave your asshole, D? Are you conforming to the unrealistic beauty standards propagated by popular media and pornography? Are you buying into aesthetic standards that make women subject to the unattainable ideals of the misogynistic patriarchy? 

Are you seriously attempting to conform beauty standards…. for your ASSHOLE?

Yes. I am. Also, fuck you.

I wanted to shave my asshole. Deal with it.

 


 Asshole Shaving Attempt #1

I didn’t give it much thought. I figured I’d shave my asshole in the bathtub after I shaved my pussy. Since my asshole and my pussy are neighbors, I assumed I could take care of both at the same time.

But as I was shaving my pussy, I realized it would be impossible to shave my asshole in the bathtub. I can’t shave my asshole while I’m sitting on it.

can't shave your asshole if you're sitting on it

Asshole Shaving Attempt #1: FAIL.

 


magnified anusAsshole Shaving Attempt #2

I drained the water in the tub, turned on the shower, and got in.

Standing under the falling water with razor in hand, I realized the shower wasn’t going to work either. I can’t see my asshole because it’s behind me, and I can’t shave my asshole if I can’t see it.

But I did not lose hope! I stepped out of the shower, grabbed my makeup mirror from the vanity, and set it on the teak shower bench.

Almost immediately, the glass steamed up and I couldn’t see a damn thing. I lowered the water temperature until the steam disappeared — the water was fucking freezing, but at least I’d be able to get a clear view of my asshole.

I picked up the razor, looked over my shoulder, and HOLY SHIT. Biggest. Asshole. Ever.

My makeup mirror is 10x magnification, so my asshole was about the size of a baseball.

shave your asshole using a mirrorThankfully, I was spared from seeing the finer details of my magnified asshole because the image was blurry. That’s the nature of magnification mirrors — they’re meant to be used up close. If you’re too far away, everything is fuzzy. I mean… the image was fuzzy. Unfortunately, that meant my asshole was still fuzzy too.

I backed up a little, and a little more, and then a little more. By the time I was close enough to get a clear view of my ginormous magnified asshole, I was too close to the glass. I couldn’t get my hand between my ass and the mirror in such a way that would allow me to shave my asshole… the asshole I could see in stunning, magnified detail.

Asshole Shaving Attempt #2: FAIL

 


Asshole Shaving Attempt #3

I went to the store the next day and bought a non-magnification shower mirror — one guaranteed not to steam up and one that wouldn’t make my asshole look like a pothole.

When I got home, I mounted the mirror in the shower, stripped, and got down to business.

Thank goodness, I could see my normal-sized asshole from a comfortable distance without worrying about the hot water steaming up my view.

But holding the razor behind me with my wrist bent felt really awkward. Imagine holding a tennis racquet in your non-dominant hand, by the racquet head instead of the handle… while you’re trying to play golf.

In the interest of safety, I put the razor cap back on and decided to try a “dry run.”

I craned my neck over my shoulder, reached both hands behind me, and went through the motions of shaving my asshole with the capped razor. As some point, one of the edges on the cap scratched the skin near my asshole. I jumped. I really jumped. Let’s just say that if the cap hadn’t been on the razor, a fuzzy asshole would have been the least of my problems. (note to self: search Google for “asshole tourniquet” instructions)

New strategy. Since my asshole is pretty close to my pussy, I’d use the same position and approach.

Putting one leg up on the shower bench and reaching between my legs felt comfortable (as comfortable as it gets when you’re holding a razor to your pink parts). Shaving around my vaginal opening works fairly well in that position, but my asshole was a bit farther away. I’d have to reach further between my legs and up to reach my asshole. To do that, I put both feet on the tile and bent my knees until I was in a sort of modified sumo squat.

see your own assholeI folded at the waist, looked between my legs, and with my head nearly on the tile, I looked up and got a visual on the target. In that position, I could kinda see my own asshole.

In order to understand what follows, you’re going to have to try this at home. (You can leave your clothes on. Honestly, you probably should.)

Get up off your chair, grab a pen or something and pretend it’s a razor. Put your feet double shoulder width apart, bend your knees, and lean down as far as you think it would take you to actually see your own asshole. (don’t fall on your head.) Now, reach between your legs and get the pretend razor-pen up near your asshole (don’t stick the pen in your ass).

When you’ve cranked your arm enough to get your hand into position, notice what happens to your torso.

Ok, get out of that ridiculous position… you’ll feel like an idiot if someone walks in on you. What are you going to say… “I was pretending to shave my asshole because someone on the internet told me to?”

To position yourself in such a way that facilitates asshole shaving, you have to drop your shoulder and rotate your torso.

Men, I’ve probably lost you here because you have balls. If you were naked, your balls would be in the way and you probably couldn’t see your asshole anyway.

Ladies, you have no balls, so you should be free and clear. You should be able to position the hand with the razor in a way that allows you to reach your asshole, and bend in a way that allows you to see it. Right?

WRONG. You have tits!

Depending on their size, your tits may be an unexpected impediment to achieving your depilatory hopes and dreams. I have rather large tits for my frame, and for the most part, I’m happy with them. I had no idea my tits would be the only thing standing between me and a silky smooth asshole.

In my final asshole-shaving attempt, I sumo-squatted in the shower, took the razor in hand, and prepared to approach my target. In order to reach my asshole with my right hand, I dropped my right shoulder and rotated my torso slightly left.

breast-obscures-vision-6And what do you think I saw in that position? No… not my asshole! I saw my tit. That’s right… I saw nothing but tit. Folded over and twisted slightly left, my right tit hangs down smack in the middle of my field of vision. I can reach my asshole, but I can’t see it because my fucking tit is in the way.

Abandoning all logic, I tried to reach my asshole with my other hand to see if I might have more luck.

Negatory. My left tit was in the way.

I couldn’t twist or contort in a way that allowed me to see past my tits. Since they’re attached, when I move my torso, my tits follow. Despite numerous futile efforts, I came to realize I couldn’t move fast enough to outrun my own tits.

Asshole Shaving Attempt #3: FAIL

 


So, tell me, how the fuck are you supposed to shave your own asshole?

Note: Do not use Nair on your asshole. It is not an option. Don’t ask me how I know. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ice my hairless asshole…

UPDATE: I didn’t realize my ass could bring so much joy to so many people. Apparently, a lot of you are really interested in my asshole, so I posted an update to let you know how my ass is doing: asshole status update, or “up(date) my ass.”

 

  111 Responses to “how to shave your asshole”

  1. My God, you’re hilarious!
    I don’t shave my asshole. I used to get it waxed. Then I lasered the hell out of it. Now it’s mostly hairless. Every now and then I have my slave wax the few stubborn hair that still appear.

  2. See, I shave my face by touch, in the shower. And that has worked well enough for me on anything else I want to shave.

    As an Aside, shaving one’s asshole is a terrific way to end up with a very itchy asshole in about a week.

    • Ok Peroxide. Let’s break this down. :)

      I assume you’ve seen your face at least once a day (probably many times a day), everyday, for the past 20 years or so. Right? I assume you’ve touched your face just about as often. How often do you think I’ve seen my own asshole? Touched it?

      And “anything else [you] want to shave” includes your cock and balls, I imagine. While I’m sure touch is a big factor there, you can see your cock and balls well enough. Next time, close your eyes and try it. Don’t peek!

      Does your “anything else” include your asshole? Does it include your asshole because someone might see it? Because someone might touch it? Or… because someone might have their tongue all up in your business?

      I rest my case. :)

      Also, I’ll be waiting to hear how well it goes next time you shave your scrotum with your eyes closed. :)

  3. “I came to realize there was no way to move fast enough so that I could outrun my own tits”

    OMG I don’t think I have ever laughed this hard! God I love your honest humor and you ability to see humor in yourself! I can’t say I can relate because I am hairless but I have a really large bathtub that is almost jacuzzi style with a ledge to sit on and its surrounded by mirrors. Just make J do it for you.

    Respectfully,
    brattyboi

    • Thanks. :) I turn my tragedy into laughter… and a burning asshole.

      I have a jacuzzi tub (big enough for two… with jets!), but sitting on the edge means, you know, sitting on my asshole. :) Plus, I don’t have mirrors all around.

      As for J shaving my asshole, I can’t think of anything I’d enjoy less! :)

  4. @Peroxide

    Not if you do it right and use the right style razor

    • Enlighten me, what razor keeps the hair from ever growing back around your asshole?

      • nothing will stop it from growing back silly I said that using the proper razor will prevent it from itching and it does. Mind you that not only do I hate body hair on myself is why I know but my brother is gay and before he decided it wasn’t actually for him he won several titles dancing Draq and dating some very manly men. So he did not like hair either.

        A good place for starter advice, believe it or not the tip for electric razor is true.

        http://pubicshave.stores.yahoo.net/remhairfromy8.html

  5. Here’s how to do it my way:
    - buy this particular razor from walmart or walgreens http://www.pharmapacks.com/products.php?product=Noxzema-Bikini-Shavers-3-Each&gclid=CPLv55qN1rYCFUUw4AodVn0AGw#.UXDkBbVQGIU
    - it’s teeny tiny and gives a really close shave and has these thingamabobs over the razor so it is essentially impossible to cut yourself
    - take hot bath or shower to loosen up pores yada yada
    - squat in shower (just a normal squat not your hilarious gymnastics hehe)
    - use your non-dominant (by which I don’t mean submissive) hand to feel where the hair is
    - use your dominant hand and razor, shave asshole hair. Yes, without looking. Yes, like peroxide said. It really isn’t that difficult at all with the little safety razor
    - enjoy your newly shaved asshole
    - if you reaaaaally need to see, put handheld mirror on the floor and squat over it, then look down over your tits (unless way bigger than my DDs), between your legs, and you shall see your glorious asshole. Your hand will still kind of get in the way when you shave… but at least you can check and see if you missed any stripes.

    Hope that helps. God I miss getting Brazilians.

    Absolutely hilarious and well-written and well-picture-accompanied post, too!

    • @Maria: When I hover-squat over a mirror in an attempt to see my own glorious asshole, and when I slip and fall on the wet tile doing so, it will be all your fault. If I break the mirror and am left with seven years bad luck AND a fuzzy asshole, I will blame you.

      I hope you’re okay with my broken ass, bad luck, and fuzzy asshole on your conscious.

      Honestly, I don’t know how you’re going to sleep at night…

  6. Oh and I really like the thick bikini shaving gel for crotch shaving if you don’t already know about it. But I’ve learned that men’s shaving cream works too if you don’t mind your puss smelling like old spice.

  7. *laugh* Oh god! Too funny!

    I do it by touch with a Gillette 3-blade razor. Standing, soap, I just run the razor down one side between my arse cheeks, then the other. I mean, it’s not like there are any angles or bits to catch there… It’s all smooth and curvy :).

    Ferns

    • it’s not like there are any angles or bits to catch there… It’s all smooth and curvy :).

      So… in the run up to your asshole arsehole, it’s smooth, smooth, smooth… hole? Like… it’s smooth up to the actual hole?

      Mine sorta puckers… like, you know, an anus. That pucker has little… oh jesusgod-can’t-believe-I’m-typing-this… I don’t know, little pucker-parts?

      Fuck it. I’m going to quit typing. Screw you and your perfect puckerless arsehole!

      • *laughs and laughs* “Pucker-parts”… totally worth it!

        If you were a real Domme, you’d just demand that the hair get the hell off your arse and you’d be done!

        Ferns

        • If you were a real Domme, you’d just demand that the hair get the hell off your arse and you’d be done!

          Will do… right after I demand my pucker-parts un-pucker themselves.

          Anus. Domme smooth.

  8. Shaving without looking works fine. You just have to be more careful. I do it just standing up in the shower. You use your non dominant hand and with the palm you spread one cheek and with the fingers of that hand you feel where the hair is. And then you just follow your fingers with the razor in the other hand. But I would really love to see your moves in the shower just for the hilarious description you gave.

    • with the fingers of that hand you feel where the hair is. And then you just follow your fingers with the razor in the other hand

      For the record, I’m not worried about missing hairs so much as I’m worried about amputating my asshole. And with my luck, if I “follow [my] fingers with the razor,” I’m likely to end up with 9 fingers and no asshole.

  9. You’re hilarious, DD.

    Anyway, I use one of those 5-blade razors and a shit ton of shaving cream, bend at the waist, stick my butt up a little and VERY carefully slip the razor in between the cheeks and pull out. I feel like someone is about to cuff me, but I hang in there. I rotate the razor so that it faces one side, then the other. Voila! Hairless asshole!

    I use the 5-blade razor because I get much, much less razor burn, if any, by the way.

    Good luck!

    • Ok, so when I amputate shave my asshole, use a five-blade razor. All five blades, epic fear, and rotate the razor. Rotate?!?! *shudder*

      Jesus… my anus just retracted into my body out of pure fear. I might never see it again… but I guess that takes care of my fuzz problem, right?

      • You press it GENTLY against your skin and pull out slightly. Sliding it is a baaaad idea. It’s really actually pretty easy after a couple of tries. Start with a single blade and work your way up! I’m telling you, a 5-blade razor is the way to go!

        • Work my way up? I’m already on it. The first couple of times, I’ll keep the razor cap on, and then maybe I’ll be ready for a single blade.

  10. D, your arsehole antics just made me snort latte all over my laptop. Thank you for that. No really. Thank you. When I was coming back from the dead (my marriage) I remember deciding to shave everything from the waist down. It finally occurred to me that maybe I should check between my ass cheeks. I called Nikki from the bathroom to announce, “holy fuck, the black forest is growing around my asshole.” It had never occurred to me that hair would grow there. (Duh, Heather.) And not just some hair, A LOT OF HAIR. After using Nair and getting a chemical burn, I took my bits to the salon and waxed that shit.

    Sir tells me he’s going to learn how to give me Brazilian waxes this summer. Want to do a post on waxing your pet? :D

    • Arsehole antics and laptop lattes? Aces for ass-associated alliteration!

      “holy fuck, the black forest is growing around my asshole.”

      Thanks a lot, Heather. From this day forward, I’ll be unable to eat black forest ham and black forest cake without thinking of your asshole.

      Sir tells me he’s going to learn how to give me Brazilian waxes this summer. Want to do a post on waxing your pet?

      Oh-jesus-god-fuck-no. But let me know how that turns out! :D

  11. ROFLOL! Oh, just what I needed to lighten my Friday!

  12. This is absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
    And I agree with Maria, squatting, legs spread – that’s the best way. That’s how I do it. I never see anything, I just feel. I feel afterwards to see if there’s more hairs left. If so, I shave again. And yes, I use men’s shaving cream. It works perfectly. I only had an itchy asshole the first time I shaved but never again after that. Good luck with the next attempts :)

    Rebel xox

  13. So glad to hear other women have this problem! I’ve done laser but got sucky results. Still have lots of hair and need to shave. I do my butt hole by feel, standing up in the shower and just reach my arm around behind me. Since I can’t see it, I of course usually miss a few hairs and I have gotten small cuts sometimes if I don’t shave slowly enough. But it works, mostly.

    • You’ve gotten small cuts AND missed a few hairs? That doesn’t sound like it works to me!

      Perhaps I’m being precious about my asshole… but seriously, it is precious. :)

  14. Oh I needed a good laugh today and this was the right medicine.
    I have a Phillips rechargable groomer, with it is a small trimmer head which works perfectly. Doing the same manuveur that Hyacinth does the trimmer gives me a litle more reach thent a hand razor and does the job just fine.

    • I hear “Phillips,” I think screwdriver.

      And I can’t imagine an electric does as good a job as a blade. Come to think of it, I might want an electric appliance near my asshole even less than I want a blade near my asshole… :)

      • You mean, Milk of Magnesia and Vodka? Yeah, that’s how you make a Phillips Screwdriver, but I don’t think you can shave your ass with it. Of course, after having a few, you probably won’t care so much.

        • I have no idea what you’re talking about, Stephen, but I took my pants off and I’m using a screwdriver to stir my cocktail.

          I have no idea how this is going to help me defuzz my asshole, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.

  15. It was a happy day when my laser technician exclaimed “your asshole is completely hairless!”

    A bit unprofessional? Probably, but we celebrated with multi-colored confetti and kazoos. And I had her take photos for my scrapbook. It was a day I’ll remember fondly.

    I’m kidding about the photos. Maybe.

    • But… but… where did the confetti come from? And what did you use to blow into the kazoo?

      There’s an 85% chance I’ve just been traumatized by your comment. My asshole is threatening to run away…

  16. I find a small well trained monkey does the trick, just make sure you have no banana like appendages close by. Trust me, take my word on that.
    You can find a reliable shaving monkey here: http://monkeys-for-sale.com/
    Also, do not trust them with your secrets, they are kinda dicks that way.

  17. @MB: I could meet you in Miami!

    Oh, wait. No. I have the sniffles or a hangnail or something. I should probably miss the opportunity of a lifetime because I’m all stuffy.

  18. Learn something new every day. I had no idea women had hairy ass holes. Another illusion shattered. Too much information (not just a D2 song). Keep the over-sharing coming. BTW, shaving a-holes is very compatible with stretching exercises involving one foot on the floor and one on the rim of the sink.

    • I had no idea women had hairy ass holes.

      Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shatter your illusions. Seriously. I spent way too much time and effort in past relationships convincing boyfriends that girls don’t poop. I let my guard down just once and one guy found out. He never looked at me the same way again.

      (And then there was the time I told someone what “meat curtains” were and destroyed his bliss.)

      shaving a-holes is very compatible with stretching exercises involving one foot on the floor and one on the rim of the sink.

      Why are you stretching in the bathroom?!?! Also, I’m sorry, but combining your asshole-shaving with your daily exercises is WAY too much multitasking. Take a vacation or something. Ok?

  19. I’m going to have to go against all of the folks recommending men’s shaving cream. The best thing is straight-up coconut oil, as it helps the razor glide over the skin AND helps prevent ingrown hairs (your asshole is possibly the LAST place you want ingrown hairs). Unfortunately, I recently moved into a house with old plumbing, and can’t risk the re-solidified oil clogging up the works, so I’ve switched to regular old hair conditioner. Ever heard of Coochy Cream? Basically hair conditioner. If that’s too thick for you, a good 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner works pretty well too :)

    • The best thing is straight-up coconut oil

      So you’re telling me I should oil my asshole? But what if I don’t have coconut oil? I might have some olive oil… wait, I know I have some WD-40. Will that work?

      old plumbing, and can’t risk the re-solidified oil clogging up the works

      My plumbing isn’t that old… I eat healthy and get plenty of fiber. Should I be concerned about the oil solidifying and clogging up my works?

      Maybe I’ll just use the WD-40 to be on the safe side. :)

  20. That was hilarious! Thanks for illuminating one of the darkest corners of feminine hygiene. :) Ya think it would make for a good ice breaker question when on a first date??

    • Ya think it would make for a good ice breaker question when on a first date??

      Not sure. I’ll give it a try and report back.

  21. This provided a much needed laugh!

  22. I strongly agree with the warning about Nair… DON’T use it in that location unless you are a real pain slut!

    • Where were you when I needed you, Barbara? I spent a good ten minutes hopping around my bathroom while my butthole was on fire!

  23. D:

    Please, don’t ever stop writing. Your ability to laugh at the sublimely ridiculous in your own experiences (I absolutely LOVE your “Fails” series!) should be an inspiration to any human being with a detectable sense of humor!

    Patrick

    • Your ability to laugh at the sublimely ridiculous in your own experiences (I absolutely LOVE your “Fails” series!) should be an inspiration to any human being with a detectable sense of humor!

      Thanks, Patrick. :) I’m not sure my fails are sublime, but I agree they are inspirational. I want to end up on one of those ridiculous office inspiration posters someday.

      Oh! Or maybe I could market “WWDDD?” bracelets! (What Would Dumb Domme Do?)

  24. Hilarious! I laughed but felt s sorry for you at the same time!

    I’m sorry you used nair. It burns like some kind of chemical acid. Try veet. It doesn’t burn me at all, but some people say it burns them a little, but a lot less. I use it on my puss. If I had hair on my asshole, I’d use it there too, but I hardly even get hair on my legs anymore. Viva la menapause!

    • Hilarious! I laughed but felt s sorry for you at the same time! I’m sorry you used nair. It burns like some kind of chemical acid.

      Someday, I’m sure I’ll be able to look back and laugh… maybe after the chemical burn on my anus heals…

  25. I sure do wish I could help you here, but I’m usually so busy that I can barely even *find* my own ass, with both hands and a flashlight, let alone shave it. (something totally above my pay grade) Nonetheless, I shall keep a lookout for any asshole shaving tips I find and will happily send them along… Gratis, of course.

    • A flashlight might have helped, actually. :)

      I’ll hold you to that, BTW… if you find anything, send the tip directly to my asshole.

  26. Smooth Away hair removal pad?? No razor needed. Just sandpaper your asshole smooth!

    OK, your on your own – this just engineer out of box thinking.

    If it works, just make sure I get credit!

  27. OMG. I’m so glad I read your blog whilst on the toilet because I peed myself laughing. I’m sure my other half thinks I’m crazy hearing me giggle when I’m supposed to be “occupied”. Also, it is quite liberating hearing others arsehole shaving dilemmas. Hear I was thinking I must be the only one concerned with the state of fuzziness down there.

    • I’m so glad I read your blog whilst on the toilet because I peed myself laughing.

      Well, that’s a first. I’ve received a few messages from gentlemen reporting they read my blog whilst masturbating (not to posts like this one… at least I don’t think so), but this is the first time I’ve learned anyone has read me on the potty. :)

      Also, it is quite liberating hearing others arsehole shaving dilemmas. Hear I was thinking I must be the only one concerned with the state of fuzziness down there.

      You are not alone… one scroll through the comments proves it. Ladies have fuzzy buttholes. You hear that world? We have hair on our assholes… and we are proud not proud!

  28. dear god, it was the illustrations that did it for me! they classed up the whole joint.

  29. I love you.
    You had me at Biggest. Asshole. Ever.
    For the record, I sit on the very edge of the tub, spread wide, and tuck each foot into the soap nooks at either end of the tub surround. I use Coochy shave cream (conditioner works too) and a fresh razor. I go in blind and feel my way. I’m brave like that. Of course I only do it every 3 or 4 months because idon’tactuallyhavealotofhairthereoranywherereally. Sorry. You don’t want to hear that. Doesn’t help your case. ;)

    • I love you.
      You had me at Biggest. Asshole. Ever.

      Ha! I can’t say I’ve had anyone at Biggest. Asshole. Ever. This is a first!

      Of course I only do it every 3 or 4 months because idon’tactuallyhavealotofhairthereoranywherereally. Sorry. You don’t want to hear that. Doesn’t help your case

      If we were just talking about appearances, I’d only have to do it every couple of months too. However, if someone’s really going to be all up in there, I don’t want to be stubbly.

      With great power comes great responsibility? :)

  30. Gosh, this made me laugh so much. And I nodded along. I have pretty much done all of the above, and you’re right: I never thought my tits would be the thing to come between me and my asshole. I try to do it by touch, which can work out okay, but I always miss a bit. Very frustrating! if someone gives you the answer – please share it!

  31. Well first off, do it right after a hot shower. I get the most irritation in my crotch area, so I do that first. Use a fresh razor whenever possible and clean the razor off after every 1 or 2 passes. Use some lotion afterward as well.

  32. Omg i laughed so much at this, you are hilarious D.
    ok i am a guy and i shave my ahole for purposes of keeping it clean, my technique is the same i use for my whole body, because i am way too rough i had to find a way to do it by touch without ending up with a red bathroom (again)
    i use two electric shavers, one looks like this:
    http://naturephoto.easternbeaver.com/Dogs/Info_Pages/Laube_Clipper/CRW_7543.jpg
    is a mini clipper, is like a normal guys clipper just smaller, it wont cut you and it will take care of all the long hair and big volumes of hair.
    the second one is a more typical electric shaver:
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2b/Oscillating_electric_razor.jpg
    i prefer that type anyways, in my experience is more durable
    you wont feel anything and it will leave your skin smooth
    you can found them anywhere, at cvs, walmarts, etc
    Using this you can shave without looking, just use touch to find the hole and the hair and progressively check your work
    best of lucks :)

    • Thanks for the advice and for the links, Tito. :) A couple of people have suggested electric razors, so I might look into that. I guess having an electric appliance near my sensitive parts is better than having a razor near them, right? (I hope!)

      Also, “red bathroom?” *shudder*

      • well i am young, (not a minor or anything) i have been shaving my genitals area for like 5 years now, so if u do some math i was a kid when i started and like i said i am rough. My very first trials involved scissors,razors and lots of blood (i didnt seem too care much cause i am a masochist with high pain tolerance) is amazing how much you can bleed from your genitals, as i moved on i started using a big clipper, while in the area above the penis and around it (straight surfaces if u will) was real easy and smooth the teeth were still too big for the balls and such, as time went along i have avoided razors everywhere cause of my fear to sharp edges, i eventually found the small clipper and realized that i wont cut in the smooth area and barely scratches the balls and is really good for taking chunks of hair.
        As for the electrical shavers, they wont cut you no matter what thats a fact. :)

        • As for the electrical shavers, they wont cut you no matter what thats a fact. :)

          True. They can’t cut you, but they can cause some serious damage.

          I still have flashbacks from when I got my labia stuck between the teeth of one of those foil electric razor/clipper things. I got a tiny piece of skin caught between those little teeth that move back and forth… I actually had to unplug the damn thing to make it let go of my lady parts…

          So unfortunately, I do know how much genitals can bleed.

          Damn flashbacks…

          • I’m still stuck on the “easily removes large volume of hair”….my gawd that’s one hairy asshole…

            :)

  33. This post is fucking Brilliant!!! And I shave my backdoor business by squating in the shower and feeling my way around. Has not failed me yet! xxx

  34. Brilliant. Grinning from ear to ear. Thank god someone finally addressed this. I feel humanity seeping back into my soul as I contemplate infinite assholes waxing and waning…

    • I never imagined humanity seepage was an unintended consequence of removing the hair from my asshole.

      My asshole is powerful. FACT.

  35. Oh, btw. Best way to shave your asshole is to tie chain him to the toilet with a ball gag in his mouth. Just so you know. Shave cream is optional. Depends on how mean you are.

  36. I’m Hugh on making sure everything is properly groomed, I stay perfectly smooth with a razor around my penis area, I usually shave during my daily showers. The best thing that I found on the market for my ass is “Nair Men Speed Cream”, my ass stays smooth for about 3-4 weeks, and I use it for the crack of my ass also. I have not had it problems with it.

    • I don’t understand how anyone can shave around their penis or vulva everyday without serious razor burn. That’s sensitive skin down there!

      Also, I think Nair should market “Ass Crack Hair-Removal Cream” — there’s an untapped market here and they’re really missing out… (untapped? ha!)

  37. what works for me – a battery operated nose-hair trimmer from the dollar store. this was placed in service to cut down on the itching from sweaty balls by manscaping them clean. if your obsessive self won’t let you stop, before you know it, you’ve gone all the up to, and beyond, the back door – no nicks, tugs, or one week later itching (that comment must have come from someone who has never had a decent ah-scape).

    • a battery operated nose-hair trimmer from the dollar store.

      Doesn’t that take a really long time to defuzz everything? Oh boy… now I’m imagining myself with a nose hair trimmer up my ass… Well, if I go that route, expect another “ass disaster” post coming soon. :)

  38. Hysterical! I bet your asshole has never had so much attention! ;)

    • I bet your asshole has never had so much attention! ;)

      My asshole doesn’t know what to do with all the attention! It did help me write an update, though. :)

  39. This post about shaving your ass is hilarious!

    I do have a very simple solution for you – Veet.

    How I do it……

    Take a tiny amount of vaseline and rub it over actual asshole as Veet is not asshole friendly. (Hair grows around asshole – not on it)

    After the tender bits have been carefully covered with vaseline, use the Veet for sensitive skin and rub it on the afflicted hairy areas.

    Wait five minutes……

    Take a bunch of toilet paper and wipe in an upward motion towards your head removing hair and Veet

    Shower

    Walla!

    No scars, no cuts, no fear

    Don’t leave Veet on too long otherwise you may get a rash

    • Hmmm… you say “no scars, no cuts, no fear” but then follow it up with “Don’t leave Veet on too long otherwise you may get a rash.”

      Rash? Veet not asshole friendly? <— those are fears!

      Thanks for the tip, though. I might try vaseline-ing and Veet-ing my ass sometime soon. Also, maybe not… I’m not sure anyone ones to read about how I accidentally got Veet in my asshole, left it on too long, and ended up with ass-rash. (Have I mentioned I’m a little clumsy?) :)

  40. Chemicals? No way. I use an asshole-friendly epilator machine that came with a pubic hair trimmer. It’s safe and you don’t have to be able to see. Squat and let your sense of touch guide you. Regrowth is slow and no problem at all. Good luck.

    • I use an asshole-friendly epilator machine that came with a pubic hair trimmer.

      I assume you use the pubic hair trimmer on your butt and not the epilator part, right?

  41. oh my effin gawd…

    your post was *hysterical*…and the comments (and replies to comments) …well–I laughed so hard I was crying and had to stop reading for a bit. Hope you don’t mind if I add you to my blogroll..how ever did I miss you all this time?

    *grinning, but with a hairy asshole with puckery parts*

    nilla

    • @Nilla

      I laughed so hard I was crying and had to stop reading for a bit.

      I’m not sure I’ve ever said this before, but I’m glad to hear I made you cry!

      Hope you don’t mind if I add you to my blogroll..how ever did I miss you all this time?

      Thank you! I appreciate the add! As for missing me for so long, I imagine most people see “Dumb Domme” and go running for the hills… I can’t say I blame them!

      (also, nice to meet you, Nilla!)

  42. Great article on personal hygiene! I loved reading it, and wish to contribute my little piece. First off, the art and practice of asshole shaving, is not some misogynistic thing invented by the male patriarchy, for I am a dominant straight male, who still regularly shaves his own asshole, for purely hygienic reasons. I would wax my butt crack if I could, but self-waxing is a rather tricky skill that I have never been able to master, so I have decided to settle with shaving all the hair off my body; except for the hair on my head, and on my legs (although the hair here is hardly thick, for I’m not the hairy type). Shaving one’s hair is not an act of submissiveness to men, it is just simply easier to clean oneself that way, not to mention the fact that a shaved asshole (whether in a female or in a male) is a lot prettier to look at, than a hairy one. How else could one see that lovely rose flower shape of a finely puckered anus, set right at the center of a woman’s glorious peachy moons? Asshole shaving is the way to go girl, and don’t let any one male or female, talk you out of it!

    Now to asshole self-shaving techniques! I have found out from extensive experience that the easiest, most effective, and also the safest way to do it (that is to say if you don’t want to either nick yourself with the razor blade, or else leave unwelcome tufts and/or patches of hair behind), is to use a squatting or lying on your back (like a woman about to give birth), and then using your sense of touch and innate anatomical positioning (i.e. your kinesthetic sense) to guide your hands and fingers while shaving your crotch and dick plus asshole (i.e. for dudes), or your crotch and pussy plus asshole (for ladies). You can then take occasional breaks in between the shaving process, to check and inspect your progress, and make corrections as needed. But you really don’t need a mirror all through the shaving process, all you need is your innate kinesthetic sense of where your body parts are! And you’ll be fine!

    • is not some misogynistic thing invented by the male patriarchy, for I am a dominant straight male, who still regularly shaves his own asshole, for purely hygienic reasons

      I almost hate to argue something like this, but I’m going to have to! It’s in my blood!

      Just because dominant straight males engage in a practice doesn’t mean it wasn’t invented by the patriarchy. While I’m no scholar on the history of asshole shaving, I’d bet money that women were the first ones who shaved their assholes. My guess it is that “look” got picked up in pornography, and people started copying what they saw. By this time, the practice has spread to men (even some straight dominant ones), but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t male-encouraged. :)

      that a shaved asshole (whether in a female or in a male) is a lot prettier to look at, than a hairy one.

      Some people think so, but that’s an enculturated judgment, just like lots of other aesthetic judgment — preferences change with the times.

      Asshole shaving is the way to go girl, and don’t let any one male or female, talk you out of it!

      There are plenty of reasons to avoid the practice like the plague. :) Plenty of GOOD reasons.

  43. The above comment was directed at Tom

    “…But their boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, and husbands, etc. get to see their private parts, and
    some of them care whether they remove hair from these areas or not!…”

    @DumbDomme: I totally agree with your statement above, for I am a straight and dominant dude, and
    yet I completely shave my pubes at least once a week! It’s just simply more hygienic and also
    more aesthetic to do so. After all (at least in my eyes), hairless private parts, look a lot finer than
    hairy ones, and a hairless pussy and female asshole is a lot nicer when I’m going down on a lady,
    than hairy ones are! So shaving is unisex thing, and not the product of either misogyny or patriarchy!

  44. Amazing illustrations, I’ve literally always wondered this, but surely waxing is the way to go? Thanks

  45. Am I the only one who wonders why women obsess about removing hair in areas that nobody will ever see?

  46. @Tom: Someone seeing isn’t a major concern. Actually, it’s a bit more involved than that. :)

    Am I the only one who wonders why women obsess about removing hair in areas that nobody will ever see?

    Yes. You’re the only one. The rest of us are too busy wondering about how to remove the hair that people will never see.

    Also, it’s not just women struggling hair hair removal issues, buddy. Assholes aren’t gender specific and lots of men care about hair down there (and hair back there, and around there, and all up in there…)

  47. *ahem* People see that…

  48. But their boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, and husbands, etc. get to see their private parts, and some of them care whether they remove hair from these areas or not!

  49. The above comment was directed at Tom Allen!

    “…But their boyfriends, girlfriends, lovers, and husbands, etc. do get to see (kiss, lick, suck, and
    taste) their private parts, and some of them (like me), certainly care whether (or not) they remove
    hair from these adorable private body areas or not!…” ;)

    @DumbDomme: I totally agree with your statement above, for I am a straight and dominant dude, and
    yet I completely shave my pubes at least once a week! It’s just simply more hygienic and also
    more aesthetic to do so. After all (at least in my eyes), hairless private parts, look a lot finer than
    hairy ones, and a hairless pussy and female asshole is a lot nicer when I’m going down on a lady,
    than hairy ones are! So shaving is unisex thing, and not the product of either misogyny or patriarchy!

  50. @Sir C

    So shaving is unisex thing, and not the product of either misogyny or patriarchy!

    I already addressed this in an earlier comment, but it is the product of a male dominated culture. While people do it for hygienic reasons now, that doesn’t automatically mean it’s not an extension of the culture from which it came.

    (Oh jeez… I’m now using a post on asshole shaving as a platform for feminist thinking! Shoot me!!! Ha!)

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